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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give less for a wedding as the couple haven't paid for it themselves and I've not got a +1

80 replies

Itsawd · 12/08/2015 11:45

Usually I'd give 50 per person for a full day thing.

Seeing as the couple I'm going to at the weekend have had it all paid for by parents I'm thinking about giving less just because other couples I know have had to save up for their own wedding. Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsawd · 12/08/2015 12:14

If they hadn't of asked for cash I would of given a thoughtful present, but cash does make my mind approach it differently tbh.

OP posts:
Theycallmemellowjello · 12/08/2015 12:17

Agree with others, give what you like. You can give a gift even if they ask for cash. But, yes, it's unreasonable to think about who paid for what and how much everything cost. Very much not in the spirit of things!

snowgirl1 · 12/08/2015 12:19

You sound really mean-spirited.

SoupDragon · 12/08/2015 12:21

HAVE. Not of.

yearofthegoat · 12/08/2015 12:24

You don't sound like you like the couple, why not just decline the invitation?

Itsmine · 12/08/2015 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spartans · 12/08/2015 12:25

So it's because they have asked or cash? Or that their parents are paying?

It's sounds like you are annoyed and finding any excuse to give them less. You don't need an excuse. Unless it's because you know you are bu and trying to justify being bu.

Sodder · 12/08/2015 12:26

YABU

It wouldn't occur to me to give according to who had paid for the wedding. I wouldn't care who'd paid for the wedding. I'd give the same amount regardless.

As for the +1, If you haven't been seeing your partner for very long, then it's not surprising that they haven't included him/her.

You don't sound as though you want to go to the wedding OP.

Spartans · 12/08/2015 12:27

What do you mean cover your cost? Do you estimate how much the couple have spent on your meal?

firesidechat · 12/08/2015 12:30

I can't be the only one who just trys to cover their cost?

Having been online for some years now I can safely say that you're not the only one, but I still think it's a very strange way to look at weddings and gifts and it's not one I've come across personally.

Do you think the same about birthdays and other parties too?

It is totally irrelevant that the parents paid for the wedding. To be honest if you can't give a lovely gift to a couple on their wedding day without going through all these mental gymnastics, then don't bother giving anything.

thornrose · 12/08/2015 12:30

Are they your friends, do you even like them? It sounds like a begrudged business transaction!

BleachEverything · 12/08/2015 12:31

How spiteful. You're not anybody's friend, clearly.

firesidechat · 12/08/2015 12:32

Do the majority of guests at a wedding even know who has paid for what in order to calculate an appropriate gift? It would have taken the investigative skills of Miss Marple to work out who paid for what at my daughter's wedding.

Calloh · 12/08/2015 12:33

Actually OP, I think I slightly know what you mean. I got invited with my children to a friend's wedding. I was very aware that having us there and our three children along with the childcare provision she had made for small children so the grown-ups could dance the night away did lead to me giving even more of a generous present then I perhaps would have had it just been my husband and I invited (not that I would have been at all tight then but I did really want to reflect how generous I felt she had been).

The only difference is I assume her parents were paying, which makes no difference to me in the kind of present I would give.

bodenbiscuit · 12/08/2015 12:34

YABU - I can't stand this horrible kind of attitude. You give a gift based upon congratulating them on their happy day. And if not, maybe you're not a friend after all so don't go!

bodenbiscuit · 12/08/2015 12:35

These days people should just sell tickets to their wedding clearly Confused

ilovesooty · 12/08/2015 12:35

Pay what you like and be as mean spirited as you like. I don't see it as being any of your business how the couple financed their wedding.

Cherryblossomsinspring · 12/08/2015 12:35

I think you need to just give them a gift that you are happy to give them. Ignore the request for money if you wish. But try to think of it as a gift for the couple on their special day. Not just some tit for tat obligation.

EponasWildDaughter · 12/08/2015 12:35

Cover my cost? No, i don't think in terms of that when i decide how much to give at a wedding.

I decide based on a balance of what i can afford, and what would be a useful amount for the couple. It may make a difference how close they are. Very close family or friend might get a bit more than a distant cousin's daughter's friend's auntie for eg.

... and therefore it's a personal thing, BUT:

If i were attending a wedding alone to an averagely close relative i'd bung in a £20. Up it to £40 if i were going with DH as it would be making up a present from two people instead of one.

That would be the same if it were a lavish beach side do at the Maldives paid for by the couples family or a village hall paid for by the couple.

bodenbiscuit · 12/08/2015 12:38

Asking for money is crass and bad manners. But your approach is no better, actually.

The thing to do is rise above it, and just give them what you want to.

QueenBitchFromHell · 12/08/2015 12:44

Well if you think your giving the cash just to 'cover your costs' do you look at the venue and how much they charge per head? I know none of the weddings I have been to in the past year charge 25 quid a head. They have been minimum £50, it's the minimum going rate in venues around here

I think it's a daft way of looking at it by who is paying though. It's a gift to the couple on their wedding day so why does it matter who paid.

YABU

acquiescence · 12/08/2015 12:52

Maybe you haven't got a plus one because of financial restrictions?

Yabu and mean and weird. Not BU to give less, it's up to you what you give for a present, but to approach it in this strange and over thought out way. It doesn't sounds like you are good friends maybe?

Redglitter · 12/08/2015 13:16

Cover your costs?? Hmm What a miserable attitude.

I can't believe you think they deserve less of a gift because they're not paying.

I must remember next time I get a wedding invite to find out who's paying for what.

I think the best thing you can do is not go. That way you have no costs to cover and that'll give you another reason to reduce the gift amount

LeafyLafae · 12/08/2015 13:29

Seems like very few people are unfamiliar with the concept of covering your costs - it's an American concept (so I've heard from umpteen wedding forums) and I personally think it's bad taste to expect guests to do this - but how do you know if the couple expect this? People don't get married for the presents though, anything you give should be a pleasant bonus for them (but always give at least a card!).
How much you give or spend on the present should be based on what you can afford and how well you know/like them (some would also say 'how much they gave you at yours' or 'how much expense they have incurred on you by choosing a venue bloody miles from any decent priced accommodation, hellish bar prices & travel costs but that's unfair).
Some of our parents would happily let you believe they had paid for it all, & whilst we appreciated their contribution, we paid the lions share.

Original poster
Itsawd · 12/08/2015 13:31

Asking for money is crass and bad manners. But your approach is no better, actually.

I think your spot on. Ask for cash and it just makes me think of cash.

I would never ask for cash, but they have. It just weighs on my mind that for other couples who have really had to save for years and do without a lot to cover my place at the wedding and a bit more. These other friends haven't had to compromise on their life as much so to me (obviously on MN you all feel differently) they are less in need for money.

Anyway thanks all, this has stressed me out quite enough. I'm not giving cash but instead something I know they will like.

OP posts: