My stepson is bone idle

[stargazer2030]

As the title says I think he is bone idle yet he thinks Iabu. He is 20 in November & just finished his 1st year at uni. He has no career plan, has totally changed most of his course to the easiest options he could.
He goes in another city and we are not wealthy by any means (not poverty stricken either but have 4 kids). He gets an accommodation loan and we give him £40 per week plus pay phone, contact lenses n other bits n bobs that adds up to about £200 a month
We discussed the fact that he would most likely have to get a pt job as we really struggle with that. He only does 16 hours z week at uni n is in Manchester so could have got something but hasn't!
He is back home for the summer and got the odd days cash in hand work here n there - nothing he can put on a cv or get a reference from.
He is the eldest and very bright so really wanted to give him the chance to go to uni but I feel he is taking the piss. He has got a 2/2 at the end of the 1st year which if he continues, coupled with no work experience is just a total waste of 3 years.
He has already said he doesn't want to be a grease monkey (like his qualified tradesman Dad ) or sit behind a desk (me)!
He just infuriates me (and dh too). Told him that we will feed n house him over the summer but if he wants a social life he needs a job.
Apparently I am a total bitch! Although dh gets really annoyed with him he gives in and gives him spending money or he taps his Nan! All his friends here are loaded according to him ( they all work) and all his friends at uni get their rent paid by their parents and live of their loan.
AIBU? Its not a step parenting issue as brought him up for over 10 years and would feel like this if he was mine. He grinds me down do be honest - how have we raised someone who is so lazy and got zero get up and go with no work ethic !

You haven't mentioned anything about his social life. Does he have friends? Did he make new friends from his classes or halls? Is he going back into halls or does he have friends to house share with in 2nd year? Has he had a girlfriend? Break up?

He sounds pretty isolated and aimless.

Why did he change subjects?
Is Uni not what he expected?

Has he applied to lots of jobs and got rejected or not applied at all? If he's has loads of knock backs then it's understandable he feels down & unmotivated. Could you tie how many job apps he does a week to his allowance?

I got a 2:2 with the OU and worked really hard for it . Reading this thread makes me think why did I bother.

At home he is still friends with his school mates (who i think are all at uni here). He does go out with them drinking at weekends but doesn't have any hobbies/interests.
I have worried about depression and asked dh and his sister to speak speak to him as he wouldn't tell me. We do get on usually but have never had that sort of close relationship.
Trying to get him motivated about something is probably my cack handed way of trying to help him. He is by no means a monster step child and have not said that anywhere. I have got into the mode of being really annoyed by his attitude but reading other perspectives has certainly given me food for thought. Like I said its hard to do that when you are stuck in the middle.

YANBU. Both my older children did holiday work when they were at University. Both had factory jobs, one worked in Security (before you needed an SIA licence), my daughter worked in a warehouse and at Argos, all in different holidays. In fact DS1 did security during term time because he could fit it round university work and when he was on a night shift he took work with him.
DS1 later went into careers advice and found his experience invaluable for advising young people.
He is still in careers advice and would say to young people that any job is valuable, because it shows employers that you are willing to work, get on with people, get to work on time and don't think the world owes you a living.
However your DSS might be suffering from a lack of self confidence and his refusal to get a job might be because he thinks no one will employ him, or because his friends have 'better' jobs.
My neighbours' daughter (in VIth form) works at McDonald's and gets a lot of stick because of it, but DS1 says that still makes her more employable than someone who has never had a job.

I agree that any work experience - paid or voluntary - is extremely valuable. I used to work in graduate recruitment and can still remember being slightly at one young person who hadn't even done so much as a paper round by the time he was 21.

It's shit that the government expect parents to still support DC at uni

Even more shit to expect other working people to support your DC (through their taxes), when they have parents capable of it.

I got a 2:2 with the OU and worked really hard for it sad. Reading this thread makes me think why did I bother.

Why? I don't think anyone is saying a degree is never worth it Flowers, but more saying that if that is all you do and expect to walk onto a job, it's not going to work. Well done on your degree, it's more than I've done!

Trouble is that sometimes a degree isn't enough.. You've got to have done something to demonstrate to employers that you're worth having - previous experience or transferable skills of some sort. A job or voluntary post would tick these boxes, so OP, he would be better off long term having something on his CV for his career, & better off long term for living in the real world if he is made to get off his arse & learn what it is to contribute to running a household.

Having a part time job is not at all incompatible with a science degree. The science students on DDs shared house do bar work and waitressing at nights and at weekends. DDs timetable means she can commit to Mon to Fri, 5 till 9 in a call centre. She's working there full time over the holidays. They've all just finished second year with 2.1s and seem pretty typical of their wider circle where it would be very unusual for a student not to have a job. But then none of them come from wealthy families.

I've never seen anyone's few hours in a bar or shop make a blind bit of difference. Those who worked through uni have not done any better since leaving than those who didn't.

But how do you answer competency questions itsbetter if you haven't been able to prove competency? I don't understand.

I was involved in a small business. We never ever employed grads who hadn't worked at something, even it was MaccyD's or in a pub or just something, because they were practising with us and didn't have a clue about timekeeping, working under pressure, anything really.

Really?
Those "few hours" haven't enabled them to require less of a contribution from their parents?
Haven't enabled them to afford a holiday? Or to buy a car?
Haven't given them experience of working with others, as part of a team, or given them actual experience that can help them decide what areas of work they wish to pursue/avoid like the plague?
None of those people have ever progressed at their employment, learned new skills or got promoted?
None of them have been offered permanent employment?
None of them got any benefits at all?
Not one single person had any actual experience that allowed them to answer a competency based interview question based on actual experience?

Goodness. How peculiar that none of the people you know got any sort of benefit from working.

I'm terrifically grateful that DDs employer has "family and friends" deals that mean we save £100 a month. That's a huge difference to us.

When I used to go through graduate applications, those who had nothing on their application other than qualifications went to the bottom of the pile.

It may be that over time success rates don't differ, but it's easier to get on the first rung, if you have more to offer.

Actually, I tell a lie, if they had a straight 1st or a post grad, then you'd get a longer look.

But a 1st or a post grad without one smidgeon of work experience, be it voluntary or otherwise, would be very suspect and to be honest I would imagine their skills to be lacking because all they've done is study.

A friend of mine takes on Grads in a national Company. It wouldn't matter if they were Oxbridge, Masters, 1st's all the way, she would never look at someone that hadn't varied their life with something else other than study because they would be totally one dimensional and wouldn't last five minutes in the pressurised work environment she works in.

He sounds like most other 19 year olds and your reaction sounds very abnormal which is a shame.

Also even if he gets a 2/2 he will do better than had he left school at 16 with no GCSEs so do see him in a better light for the sake of your whole family.

I think the OP's reaction sounds more than normal! He calls his dad a "grease monkey" (and thinks the OP, his SM is a total bitch) and doesn't want a job like that (but he's happy to take his money). He's intelligent but scrapes a 2.2 in his first year. He scrounges money off his Nan. He discourages his sister in getting work and doesn't even try himself. He is asked to do one thing - walk the dog - but he doesnt, he just lies in bed and leaves mess in the kitchen.
Well.... that's not like most other 19 year olds (that I know anyway) and is not my normal thank god.

I wish you luck with it OP, not easy.