My stepson is bone idle

[stargazer2030]

As the title says I think he is bone idle yet he thinks Iabu. He is 20 in November & just finished his 1st year at uni. He has no career plan, has totally changed most of his course to the easiest options he could.
He goes in another city and we are not wealthy by any means (not poverty stricken either but have 4 kids). He gets an accommodation loan and we give him £40 per week plus pay phone, contact lenses n other bits n bobs that adds up to about £200 a month
We discussed the fact that he would most likely have to get a pt job as we really struggle with that. He only does 16 hours z week at uni n is in Manchester so could have got something but hasn't!
He is back home for the summer and got the odd days cash in hand work here n there - nothing he can put on a cv or get a reference from.
He is the eldest and very bright so really wanted to give him the chance to go to uni but I feel he is taking the piss. He has got a 2/2 at the end of the 1st year which if he continues, coupled with no work experience is just a total waste of 3 years.
He has already said he doesn't want to be a grease monkey (like his qualified tradesman Dad ) or sit behind a desk (me)!
He just infuriates me (and dh too). Told him that we will feed n house him over the summer but if he wants a social life he needs a job.
Apparently I am a total bitch! Although dh gets really annoyed with him he gives in and gives him spending money or he taps his Nan! All his friends here are loaded according to him ( they all work) and all his friends at uni get their rent paid by their parents and live of their loan.
AIBU? Its not a step parenting issue as brought him up for over 10 years and would feel like this if he was mine. He grinds me down do be honest - how have we raised someone who is so lazy and got zero get up and go with no work ethic !

Backing off sounds like a good plan he is lazy one of mine worked her socks off both in her studies and her holidays got a first in a hard degree one chose more your stepson route and is paying the debt off now. You need to step back try to ignore it all a bit more 20 year old are not men and not boys you are all struggling to readjust and fighting won't help he has to learn this lesson himself.
Oh and let go of the idea that if uni doesn't get him a better job it's a waste. You may well be right but that idea is poisoning your interactions and he IS old enough to have chosen and be on this route. Second year will also be very different, his mates will be working harder and thinking he's a nudity and that alone might make him pull his finger out. You've done a great job of being his mum keep going.

LOL paxtecum and how exactly would you achieve that for OP.

It might (or might not) be desirable but OP's conclusion to back off and leave him to grow up in his own time is going to be far better for her own stress levels and their relationship.

Lots of 20yo men I worked with at 20 were at work for full working hours but most weren't applying themselves to their careers until a few years later. It all works out why ruin these few years when it will be OK in the end?

Numpty not nudity

He sounds like a pretty standard student to me. If relations with you are at rock bottom I doubt I'd want to discuss my career plan with you either.
What is his relationship like with your DH and what does DH think about it all?
I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to look for a summer job although it's not always that easy to find one.
Most universities will discourage term time working for Year 1 students as others here have indicated.

Ahh, OP, I completely sympathise. DSS is the same age, has no direction, little work ethic and relies on DH for pocket money despite working 20 hours a week. It's not a step parent thing either as my friend is in the same position with her DD.

I have given up getting involved in any discussion about his attitude in order to preserve my sanity. I give him chores to do at home (the lying in bed for hours was grating on my last nerve) and lock away anything I don't want used (as he feels entitled to help himself as he has no money to buy chocolate and toiletries because he drank it or bought more clothes ).
I hope he grows up soon.

I think both our DSS are just at another stage of growing up. It's just sometimes more infuriating as you see a grown man but they still act like a child.
This too shall pass

Fwiw, way back when, I was in uni for 35 hours a week and had a part time job. It's hard work but doable and the job taught me as much as the course did. Also no one has ever asked the grade I got, just graduating is as much as most employers need to know.

Yanbu. My 18 year old son worled through 1st year. Probably not a great idea as his course sounds much more intense than your step son's. Wall to wall lectures and tutorials plus assignments. Did well in 1st year but at cost of sleep!

Was more sensible in 2nd year, didn't work in term time but worked in the summer. Yes it's hard to find work - he applied for around 200 jobs before finding something.

Now is doing long hours (11+ hour shifts) at a hotel.

I don't think it's particularly how we brought him up. Just seemed to happen! But posting to say that it is possible to do some work even if it is summer work, despite uni, and I don't think it's true to say that all young men are the same!

Has he got an incentive to work?

Worked not worled!

Yes, in theory, a student should be doing akin to FT working hours at University. In the humanities 16 hours a week is just the minimal contact time (though students can have addional tutorials if they wish). There is a lot of work to be undertaken outside of that time in prep. for the 16 hours and assignments.

Students can often be a bit wobbly in Year 1 too. It is a huge deal at 18 - living away from home and (often forgotten) thrown in to an environment with so many different types of people. Even the standard of work required can be a shock after school/college.

I worked through University 20 years ago but I observe that there are far fewer suitable jobs available. Even the competition for a Saturday job is ridiculous.

All my DSC have done paid work where possible. But they have contributed in different ways to the household - gardening, childminding etc... Could you sort something like this out?

On a side note you suggest that he is sneering a bit at your/DPs work. Is he the first in immediate family unit to attend University? That can bring challenges to many families and the family dynamic.

How's his mental health? Is he socialising?

I hear some of the work, work, work commentary. But, practically speaking, you can't force someone to work and trying to do that is not only going to fail, but it's going to make them hate you. So, why do it?

When I read your title I thought you would describe a young man who was in his bedroom on the xbox all day.

At least he has completed a first year at uni. A friend's ds is on his third course as he dropped out of the first two.

A lot of young people are infuriating at this age. If he wants extras I agree he could get a job but it's up to him.

Also I would not expect him to have a career plan yet.

I would have a serious issue with his rudeness too - declaring he won't become a "grease monkey" like his Father, who is the one keeping his lazy arse fed and clothed. Ungrateful git!

I agree with the OP - and I think people are getting too hung up on the 'step child' issue. If this was my own son (and I dead to think it might be in a few years............ ) - I would not be happy that DH and I were working hard to subsidise an easy going lifestyle.

There must be plenty of part-time opportunities in Manchester for a student, many of us managed to have part-time jobs when we were students - & I do appreciate it's not so easy these days but it is not impossible.

Or even do some volunteering would show a better attitude than lounging around and expecting his parents to fund his social life. We have a couple of university students volunteering with us over the summer as they wanted to have something on their CV (and it is nothing 'high profile' ).

And his attitude to your's and your DH's jobs is shocking - if he is so put off by the sort of jobs you both do perhaps he shouldn't be so quick to accept a contribution from what you both earn .

I agree with georgina about the first year at uni and also the change to the family dynamic. It is a major adjustment moving away from home and the first year can be hard for some young people.

If his parents/stepparents didn't go to uni then that is a new set-up for the family.

I would show an interest and support him but don't nag him, let him be.

I don't know how many genuine children actually call their parents grease monkeys, scrubbers, pathetic gophers and all the rest of that imaginary phraseology. There is a phenomenon whereby an educated child despises his or her uneducated parents. But swapping cliches in a forum probably doesn't do justice to it. If that was actually happening in real life, I'd want to know the whys and wherefores. Its not the kind of thing you can fix by getting a part time job in a bar.

Yanbu.

It depends on the demands of his course whether he should be working in term time. I had 42 contact hours (lectures and labs, I did a double degree) a week and then all the research/reading/essays on top of that, so despite being utterly skint I made a choice not to work in term time. There was no work in my home town so I generally stayed in uni town over the summers /holidays and worked two (at one point three) jobs to top up my bank account. I managed ok, though it was very hard work! I was kind of envious of the kids whose parents were able to pay them through, but it was what it was. I used to go home for a week or so in the summer to recuperate a bit!

Does the grade matter? Well, it depends what he's doing and where he wants to go. A 2:2 isn't accepted on many further education courses (you'll not get PhD funding for example) or lots of the graduate schemes.

ive worked on top of my degrees since 16. It taught me that hard work and determination is just as important as being smart and qualified. Unless you're part of that echelon of society which has contacts everywhere, you need to work your way up in your field.

I think the best advice I can give you is to encourage him to concentrate on his studies in term time to try to get his grades up. Treat term time as academic time - no pressure for jobs. His job in term time is to study.

During the holidays he needs to work. No money from you and no mooching off you. If he stays at yours he pays his way via chores (take advantage of having a strong young thing around and get some heavy tasks done!)

Don't worry about lack of career direction - unless he's doing medicine/engineering etc it's reasonably flexible.

Wow Dora they would love you at the benefit office! FWIW I studied for a degree as a mature student while working 30 hours a week. My DSS is at Manchester uni and in each holiday he goes home to his mum's and back to his old part time job. I admire him for working hard to keep his student debt down.

Not normal for the students I know not to work. And they are all achieving 2.1. Most of them have career plans too.
Your DSS is acting like a lazy, immature child. If he wants a phones, contact lenses and money in his pocket then he should be doing something over the holidays and getting himself a job when he goes back. I don't know a single 2nd year student who isn't working during term time as it's the only way most of them can afford to be at uni

Ps, his attitude to your jobs is very unpleasant.

Neither of my parents (one of whom is a step parent) went to uni and my family have all had blue collar jobs, including working down the pit before it shut. I respect them massively.

I suspect he's struggling to adjust to living away - meeting new social circles who have very different backgrounds.

Not much you can do about it really :(

This isn't about what we all did in our youth. I'm not going to bore you with the list of crappy jobs I've done. I'm not even going to bore myself with it. It's about the practical things that can be done to force a conceited and unmotivated, comfortable youth to look for work he doesn't want, when he's clearly supported in his current position, without the friction caused by that endeavour being far greater than the benefit gained.

Put simply, is it worth the hassle, agro and failure?

I also think YANBU. I did my degree part time so only had 8-10 hours of contact time but I was working 30 hours a week in a full time professional job and running a home as well.

Is he actually doing much studying etc on top of the 16 hours? If he is 'very bright' and only got a 2.2 in the first year, it doesn't sound like he is doing the bare minimum TBH.

He should also be working as well really. There are plenty of hours in the week to attend uni, study/assignments etc, work about 10-15 hours and have a social life etc too.

I want to know where all these magic summer jobs are. Dd has been applying online and pounding the streets with CV's. She's had four interviews, got to second round for three of them but - no luck! We're now halfway through the holidays and she's really despondent. Dh keeps giving her DIY jobs to do and she's getting some babysitting but she wants a proper job!

I would expect my students to do at least an hours work for each lecture hour and two to three for each tutorial hour.

This is his first priority.

2.2 is now the preserve of the lazy or those not really capable.

As for paid work. Well I teach somewhere where we really don't encourage it. Plus I know lots of parents who discourage it also. They would rather help out financially. If your DSS is part of this group, he will feel perhaps a bit hard done by.

stargazer2030 - it must be horrid for you to have to watch, knowing that if you had been given his opportunities, you wouldn't be behaving like your ds. However, I do think you are right stepping back a bit, given that going head on with him hasn't worked. Give each other some time to cool down for now and hopefully you'll be able to have a constructive conversation with him about it in time, where he understands that you aren't just trying to do him down, but are concerned about his choices. If, when the time comes, you can approach things in a positive way (even if you feel he doesn't really deserve it!) and come up with some ideas for things he might want to do to help his future career or earn some money, rather than just telling him to get off his lazy backside, he might at least respect the fact that you aren't just nagging, but do really want him to do well (although he might, of course, throw it all back in your face and tell you that you don't know anything about it and don't understand...). Some boys/men of that age can be phenomenally selfish and self-centred, but they mostly grow out of it if confidently expected to! The first year at university is very hard for all but the most ambitious and focussed, as the end of the degree seems so far away and the non-work related temptations so great. Continue the same attitude through the whole of the second year and most students realise they have got themselves into serious trouble without parents having to tell them!

And some people do flounder without wanting to admit it - they would rather seem lazy than out of their depth. If he didn't think there was much work to do, but only got a 2:2 at the end of the year, then his independent research skills are not very good!