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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think the majority of MN'ers are very hypocritical?

134 replies

BobbyElvis · 10/08/2015 15:41

Do you agree? For example, please compare and contrast these two threads I have read on this forum today...

Post 1.
A woman found out her husband had been to a strip club. 12 years ago, before they were married, on a drunken stag do. All fairly normal behaviour for most stag parties. No cheating, just a strip club. The reaction to this was unbelievable - almost all posters urging this woman to leave a happy marriage. This woman reiterated that she was very happy in her marriage but the consensus was STILL - LTB.

Post 2.
A woman kisses a man on holiday and lies to her husband. All of the replies apart from one tell her to sweep it under the rug and not hurt a happy relationship.

The double standards here are absolutely disgusting. I can guarantee if the thread was started by a woman asking for advice after her partner had kissed a woman on holiday the replies would be LTB.

Why is it okay for a man to be kept in the dark but not a woman? Do the women on Mumsnet have such low self esteem that they can't handle their "DH" looking at another woman on a drunken stag do but will happily have a drunken fumble in Spain for a quick confidence boost then laugh about it with their friends for years to come?

OP posts:

Drew64 · 10/08/2015 16:30

I'm afraid that BobbyElvis is, in general, right!

I have noticed this on numerous occasions but don't ask me to provide you quotes and evidence because I'm not that sad!
You may not like it but in general it is true that womens indiscretions are swept under the carpet, covered up, lied about. Not all the time but I wouldn't mind betting that it's the majority. Like I said though, I'm not sad enough to do the research.

It's to be expected though, in forums almost exclusively for women.

lightgreenglass · 10/08/2015 16:31

Obviously it's more complicated than what you've outlined but I would say I've noticed this too. There's a thread in pregnancy where the woman doesn't know who the father is because of a mistake with her ex and people are encouraging her to not tell her DH as its a happy marriage. Does he not deserve to know if the baby is his or that his wife cheated on him? If it was the other way around the comments would be very different.

YouTheCat · 10/08/2015 16:32

I remember that one. He thought it was perfectly acceptable and those Thai prostitutes were 'just doing a job' and also thought it was funny when one of his mates had joked about hurting a woman he had sex with there.

Bit different from a strip club really.

My dp is wonderful. Gets angry about injustice and unfairness. We've never had a proper argument, though we are perfectly able to disagree without treating each other like shit.

My exh is a twat. He could argue that black was white and make you feel like you'd shat in his shoes with just a few words.

I don't see how that would make me a man hater?

Sallystyle · 10/08/2015 16:33

I do think there are often double standards, but your example was a bad one. If you think the majority said she should leave him then you need to read the thread again because it didn't happen.

AyeAmarok · 10/08/2015 16:34

YANBU, at all.

A few other examples:

Thread 1 is someone saying their DH was caught drink driving, first time he's ever done it, nobody injured luckily. Majority response is "LTB, I could never be married to someone who has done such a selfish, dangerous and reckless act".

Thread 2 - the DH makes it home from work night out, drink-driving home, by chance. The OP/DW, upon realising he's drunk and slurring his words hits the roof, goes nuts at him saying she can't believe he'd do such a stupid, dangerous thing, and he thinks she's over-reacting and shrugs it off. This isn't the first time he's done it either. She then goes on FB and sees his colleagues gloating about their night and comments that Drink-driving is despicable. Cue the MN response that she's over-reacting, the "poor DH" having to tolerate her, 4 pints in 3 hours wouldn't make you too drunk to drive and she's just as bad as him because she posted on FB.

Lweji · 10/08/2015 16:36

Again: links? The same posters?

CrystalMcPistol · 10/08/2015 16:36

Is it the same posters giving contrasting views on those threads AyeAmarok?

FarFromAnyRoad · 10/08/2015 16:36

Impala77
I have found on threads I've posted about my dh I get lots of "leave him" and "he's a wanker "type comments

I am not any kind of man hater. I am, however, highly intolerant of dickwad wankers of which your husband - from what you posted about him - seems to be a prime example. If you don't want people to point that out to you it might be an idea not to post examples of him behaving like an dick saying the kind of unfunny smut more likely to be heard coming from an immature 12 year old.

YouTheCat · 10/08/2015 16:37

Yes, but MN is not just one poster, is it?

The people who posted on thread 1 might not have posted on thread 2 and vice versa.

For what it's worth, I think both the drink drivers in both threads are absolute twats.

CrystalMcPistol · 10/08/2015 16:37

To people really think two contrasting threads is proof positive that MN is this or that? Do you know how many people post on this site?

Jdee41 · 10/08/2015 16:38

I have to say that - as a man - I have sought advice on MN and generally found it very helpful and insightful.

It's probably only hypocritical to the extent that a large number of people will have a large number of opinions, and these will often conflict, and two threads about largely the same issue may go down completely different paths.

Men and housework does tend to get people riled up, though ;)

LumpySpacedPrincess · 10/08/2015 16:39

Owllady Whatd'ya get, a

Don't know about hypocritical but MN to me is like one giant anxiety attack. Things you never thought were an issue before in your own relationship are escalated to 'LTB' on someone else's thread on the same thing.

I don't get this, I've only ever seen ltb used when the op is putting up with lots of shit. That's over ten years of lurking and name changing.

I think the bottom line is that lots of women put up with lots of shit, maybe we should stop doing that.

Lweji · 10/08/2015 16:40

But the op didn't say MN was hypocritical. She said MNeters were.
So, we need examples of specific MNetters and to show that they are a majority.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 10/08/2015 16:41

YouTheCat was it that thread? The one where he and his mates were laughing because the prostitute was in pain?

Methinks you have minimised op.

minkGrundy · 10/08/2015 16:42

We are borg.

Not sure about the male posters on MN (of which there are many) are they men hating hypocrits too?

YouTheCat · 10/08/2015 16:43

It's the only recent one I can think of, LSP.

There was an awful lot more to that thread than a strip club.

Kurtiz · 10/08/2015 16:44

No, the Thai one and the strip club one were different!

FenellaFellorick · 10/08/2015 16:45

I am not required to hold the same view as other mners.

Are you saying that the same poster posts two conflicting opinions that contradict one another?

If so then that individual would be a hypocrite.

But it is ridiculous to say that mners are hypocrites because different posters hold and express different views.

A hypocrite is an individual holding contradicting views.

It is not different people each having their own opinion.

How can it be?

I like cheese.
If you say you don't, we are both hypocrites.

Isn't that a stupid view?

minkGrundy · 10/08/2015 16:47

I do think MN can be very black and white at times and don't always allow for simple human frailty and that people do just make mistakes.

But on the whole theyare brilliant at spotting the serial wankers who are just irredeemably unpleasant but who have managed to convince their partners that they can do no better.

People tend not to start a thread is relationships unless something is wrong.

Impala77 · 10/08/2015 16:48

I often like to vent, my husband isn't perfect nor is anybody!
It must be nice having a "perfect" relationship.
In mine we have had to deal with pnd, ptsd, brain heamorrage and anger management problems, not to mention physical problems I have, caused by a traumatic birth.
We all have our flaws that's life.
Had I have known that all these "perfect" men were out there maybe I'd have waited till one came along!
Sadly thus far I've never met one.

MarchLikeAnAnt · 10/08/2015 16:53

Don't be daft op .

TheChocolateDidIt · 10/08/2015 16:53

OP, I think you should LTB.

hth

rabbitstew · 10/08/2015 17:01

The description of Post 1 doesn't fit the post I saw about the man who had oral sex in Thailand with two different prostitutes and who laughed with a friend about the fact the friend's penis was so big that he hurt the woman he was having sex with. I would be incredibly surprised if someone were advised to leave their husband of 12 years because she found out he had once been inside a strip club and simply watched women dance, before they even met.

I haven't seen post 2, but tbh, they don't sound particularly comparable, unless the woman concerned in post 2 had oral sex with the man concerned, who was a male prostitute, and she laughed with her friends afterwards about how she had made him cry with pain (not pleasure!) when she bit his penis very hard.

In terms of kissing someone on holiday when married to someone else - I would think considerably less of the wife or the husband, whoever it was, who had done it, but personally wouldn't view it as unfavourably as if they had had full on sex, or cunnilingus or fellatio, or pursued an emotional relationship further post-kissing. What is and isn't a deal breaker in a relationship, in any event, is up to the individuals concerned.

Maybe some people are quite happy with the idea that their other half might be sleeping with prostitutes and slapping them around a bit, or has done this in the past, but I know I wouldn't be and I doubt there are all that many men who would be happy with their wives frequenting male prostitutes, either, whether past or present, so I wouldn't blame a man for leaving his wife if he found out she did that. There would always be the doubt in your mind about whether or not they would be willing to turn sex into a financial transaction again, where they would apparently happily negotiate for an object to fantasise on top of, rather than deal with a real person. Better to buy yourself a sex toy or doll than to use a human being to satisfy yourself on.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 10/08/2015 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MythicalKings · 10/08/2015 17:03

OP, you've made yourself look ridiculous.

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