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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the majority of MN'ers are very hypocritical?

134 replies

BobbyElvis · 10/08/2015 15:41

Do you agree? For example, please compare and contrast these two threads I have read on this forum today...

Post 1.
A woman found out her husband had been to a strip club. 12 years ago, before they were married, on a drunken stag do. All fairly normal behaviour for most stag parties. No cheating, just a strip club. The reaction to this was unbelievable - almost all posters urging this woman to leave a happy marriage. This woman reiterated that she was very happy in her marriage but the consensus was STILL - LTB.

Post 2.
A woman kisses a man on holiday and lies to her husband. All of the replies apart from one tell her to sweep it under the rug and not hurt a happy relationship.

The double standards here are absolutely disgusting. I can guarantee if the thread was started by a woman asking for advice after her partner had kissed a woman on holiday the replies would be LTB.

Why is it okay for a man to be kept in the dark but not a woman? Do the women on Mumsnet have such low self esteem that they can't handle their "DH" looking at another woman on a drunken stag do but will happily have a drunken fumble in Spain for a quick confidence boost then laugh about it with their friends for years to come?

OP posts:
wannaBe · 10/08/2015 16:14

oh, there are glaring double standards on mn, and this is brought up from time to time. the worst ones relate to domestic violence, where there are actually people who believe that because men are less likely to be victims of dv women are somehow justified.

If a man pushes/lashes out during an argument the advice is generally that this is just the first in a long line of abuses which he will commit, until the point where he will murder the woman and her children and she must ltb asap. If a woman lashes out during an argument the question is asked what the man did to deserve it, because he must have deserved it, and because men are stronger than women it's not the same.... she must ltb asap as he is in the wrong.

if a woman lashes out at her children she must be under immense stress, if she murders them (in the news) she must be suffering from mental illness. If a man lashes out the woman must ltb. if he kills them he's a sick bastard looking to get back at the ex. (fwiw I think both men and women who murder their children are bastards).

ImperialBlether · 10/08/2015 16:14

I am certainly not anti-men but I am anti some of the men that have been posted about. Lazy, selfish, violent men who blame their partners for everything and make their lives a misery - what is there to like there?

There are some really lovely posts about men, though, too - there is real affection in the way many posters write about their partners and the respect they have for them is clear.

AuntyMag10 · 10/08/2015 16:14

Yanbu, read the threads in Classics about things you only hear on mn and you wonder if anyone would actually seek advice on this site.

CrystalMcPistol · 10/08/2015 16:15

Impala77 did you start the snoring husband thread? He doesn't come across fantastically well at all on that so I don't think it's fair to say the replies you got were evidence of man hating.

NewOldParent · 10/08/2015 16:15

I read an awful lot on MN. Far more than I should.
Some I agree with, some I don't.

One thing I would add, the word misogynist is bandied around far too much. To the point where an actual truer word is misandrist.
CrystalMcPistol, I'm afraid this particular forum is very anti-men.

Genuinely, I wonder if people in here are genuine trolls or actually live their lives as they tell others to do?

One thing I've learned in life is enjoy relationships. Enjoy your time together. Use the positives because we have but one short lifetime.

TheVeryThing · 10/08/2015 16:17

I saw that thread about the strip club and I'm pretty sure that the vast majority of posters told her to move on from it. It was very far from a majority LTB response.

Also, some people will say what they would do in a certain situation, but that is very different to telling the Op what to do.

Lweji · 10/08/2015 16:17

These threads are very rarely accurate in relation to the threads they refer to.
Even less so in relation to the hypothetical (and very rarely real scenarios) presented.
OP (and others), if you are of this opinion then present it on the threads you mention, with your reasons for disagreeing.
As in, if anyone ever finds a thread where a man is called a cocklodger for leaving his home and not leaving everything to his ex then make sure you call it off on the thread itself. (And make sure you aren't actually dreaming it)

ghostyslovesheep · 10/08/2015 16:18

well neither of those examples reflect my feelings so erm yabu :)

I also don't feel MN is 'anti men' unless you are that idiot from the 'harassing women on the street' thread - I was very anti him!

Gruntfuttock · 10/08/2015 16:18

I completely agree with you wannaBe.

usualsuspect333 · 10/08/2015 16:19

I'm not most women on MN, I'm me.

CrystalMcPistol · 10/08/2015 16:20

CrystalMcPistol, I'm afraid this particular forum is very anti-men.

Not in my opinion.

AuntyMag10 · 10/08/2015 16:20

Wannabe pretty much sums it up.

laffymeal · 10/08/2015 16:21

Remember people lie on internet forums. Sometimes they just want to join in a pile on, sometimes they want to be obtuse and awkward, don't take it too seriously.

Blistory · 10/08/2015 16:21

Sorry but I can't answer your question based on the two examples given as they are hardly comparable.

1)Is indicative of attitudes towards women in general
2)Is a personal matter between the people involved

So the responses that you've mentioned don't indicate double standards to me but are simply different responses to different situations and would suggest that most MNers appear able to apply rational thought and common sense.

Runningupthathill82 · 10/08/2015 16:23

HANG ON a wee minute - in "scenario one" didn't the DH in question actually get a blow job off a Thai prostitute, then say she was "lucky" to have been with a guy as great as him? And then go on to say that he wasn't ashamed of what he'd done, and he'd do it again given the opportunity?

Hardly "going to a strip club" eh.

Kurtiz · 10/08/2015 16:23

The poster who was upset about the strip club wasn't upset about the 'fairly normal behaviour for most stag parties' aspect of it though. She was upset because she has a moral issue with strip clubs specifically, which he knew, and she therefore felt betrayed by him taking part in something which her moral compass could not support. That was why he hadn't told her for 12 years I imagine. As well as this the rest of his mates knew and joked about it.
The two scenarios you gave can't really be compared.

Try to be more analytical in your thinking. Actually maybe just do some thinking. Maybe then you wouldn't feel so aggrieved.

CrystalMcPistol · 10/08/2015 16:24

Puts a slightly different slant on things Running!

ShipShapeAhoy · 10/08/2015 16:27

Yep just a slight one!

ArendelleQueen · 10/08/2015 16:27

Having read wannaBe's post, I was reminded about a thread where a woman thumped her husband in the chest because he'd wandered off for fucking ages and left her alone. It was a split with some saying that his behaviour did not justify the physical response but there were plenty of people who were defending her. If a man had posted that, he'd have been torn a new one. You don't see threads posts where women disclose being hit and people saying "well, you shouldn't have stormed off in the middle of a row. You obviously provoked him".

Kurtiz · 10/08/2015 16:27

No that was a different person. There's been a few.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 10/08/2015 16:28

Well in the first instance going to a strip club says a lot about someone, it means they think women can be bought and sold. Lot's of people find that pretty unacceptable, like finding out your partner made racist comments in the past.

Any chance you could link to the threads?

Most importantly, it's okay to have a pro female site, it really, really is. Smile

Lweji · 10/08/2015 16:28

I've been on threads where women have been called abusive and called on their treatment of their ohs.
And told to do them a favour and leave them.

If anything, most people tend to see the point of view of the op on any particular thread. And most are started off by women.

But in most threads there is a wide variety of opinions. If anyone reads them in full, they will notice this.

I suppose it's human nature to remember what is most shocking to us and less the posts we nod to.

Owllady · 10/08/2015 16:29

I am apparently, I have even won an award for it today :o

Sallystyle · 10/08/2015 16:30

People said what they would do. Not one person said the op should leave him.

lazycoo · 10/08/2015 16:30

Don't know about hypocritical but MN to me is like one giant anxiety attack. Things you never thought were an issue before in your own relationship are escalated to 'LTB' on someone else's thread on the same thing.

That said, it's an amazing source of information that otherwise just isn't out there on the web and I think there are loads of posters who try really hard to provide decent advice. Just stay away from the drama queens.