Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH thinks I am stupid?

45 replies

pinemartine · 10/08/2015 15:37

It is driving me mad.

If I am driving somewhere without him, he pores over maps and works out the "best route" for me.

On the rare occasion I am driving, he instructs me about other cars and speed cameras.

He goes on about what I "should" do, with an emphasis on "should."
"Well, of course, what you should do is ..."

He reminds me to do things and tells me to finish things (essays, fuel forms, put the bins out.) I know it sounds stupid but I end up feeling all cross at constantly being told off like a naughty child. It causes rows and he doesn't see how irritating it is.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 10/08/2015 15:38

NO YANBU, that sounds really annoying,.

Itllbefiiiiiiiiine · 10/08/2015 15:39

It doesn't sound stupid at all, it sounds utterly patronising and controlling.

Fuck that.

Original poster
pinemartine · 10/08/2015 15:45

It's very patronising and it does bother me. I feel very stifled sometimes and as if we can't have a conversation with unwanted and sometimes irrelevant advice being stuffed down my throat.

OP posts:
LazyLouLou · 10/08/2015 16:39

"Oh thank God you said that! I was about to drive through that window / write my essay in crayon / put the bins in the dining room. Darling Beloved, how would I manage without you?"

And then shout shut up

araiba · 10/08/2015 16:41

maybe he is trying to be helpful

The5DayChicken · 10/08/2015 16:41

Have you tried doing it back? Ramp it up if it goes over his head.

TenForward82 · 10/08/2015 16:41

Hate to sound sexist, but this is a guy thing. I've been driving for almost 10 years, my DH for 1 year. He still tries to advise me about driving, breaking, watch your wing mirror, look out for that person, etc etc. I've never once had an accident. He clearly thinks car = man superior.

I don't object to him navigating though because I'm definitely rubbish with that.

Original poster
pinemartine · 10/08/2015 16:45

He is trying to be helpful, absolutely.

I don't have to like it though Hmm

OP posts:
Icimoi · 10/08/2015 16:50

I tell DH not to back seat drive in no uncertain terms. Do you?

steff13 · 10/08/2015 16:51

He uses a map? In 2015? Doesn't your phone have GPS (I think you all call it "sat nav")?

Hate to sound sexist, but this is a guy thing.
It might be a thing with your guy, but my husband never does this. We both have very different driving styles, but neither of us does this to the other.

If my husband did do this, my reaction would be exactly LazyLouLou suggested.

LindyHemming · 10/08/2015 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OTheHugeManatee · 10/08/2015 16:54

DH did this until I said 'please don't back seat drive darling, it's very annoying'. He didn't realise what he was doing. He us mostly stopped now.

You can be courteous with it but you need to be very clear with him. If he takes it badly he is a controlling arse; but give him an opportunity to not be an arse before you condemn him.

googoodolly · 10/08/2015 16:56

This is NOT a "guy thing" Hmm, it's a patronising control-freak thing!

This would drive me nuts, OP. I hate being told what to do when I'm driving. Luckily DP doesn't drive and has more sense than to try and tell me what I could be doing better!

lottiegarbanzo · 10/08/2015 16:58

There's a reason why 'back seat driver' is a well known phrase.

Either tell him to stop, explain you'll happily ask for advice when you need it, then pull him up on it every time, or do it back to him in an exaggerated manner.

It is very patronising and very annoying.

TenForward82 · 10/08/2015 16:58

Agree with OTheHugeManatee. We had a bust-up about it and he stopped. Firmness is the order of the day!

AmyLouKin · 10/08/2015 17:05

My other half does this a bit but not to that extent! He's been a bit worse since I discovered I was pregnant! I know most of it is because he loves me and cares about me! Things like 'look out there's a car coming' as we cross the road! Most of the time I put up with it cos I know he means well but at times (if I'm already a bit irritable), it drives me nuts!
However, I think if i were you OP, I would have to have a word with him as it is clearly putting a strain on your relationship, by making you feel small and like he has little respect for you! Good luck, I hope you can make him understand!

SquinkiesRule · 10/08/2015 17:20

My Dh started doing the back seat driver thing recently. I think it's cause he used to drive miles and miles for work every day and now he's a SAHD and rarely goes anywhere alone. I now ask him, "Do you want to drive?" and he always says no, then I tell him "stop telling me how to do it then" Today I drove us to town and back and there wasn't a single comment.

scribblegirl · 10/08/2015 17:25

My dad does this to my mum, it's flipping irritating. Actually more irritating is the fact that she doesn't care and it all washes over her!

If he's in the passenger seat and you're at a junction he gives you a running commentary about whether it's safe to turn out yet. Which is unnecessary because (i) my head can move fine to look and (ii) like I'd turn based on anyone else's say so without checking myself first?!

Happy to report that DH is nothing like this, probably because I went out of my way to find someone who is unlike my father Grin

5Foot5 · 10/08/2015 17:30

Agree with a PP about doing it back to him but to a ridiculous extent so that he notices. Keep pulling him up on it and telling him how immensely irritating it is. Unless he is very stupid he will surely get the messge eventually

DisappointedOne · 10/08/2015 17:35

I have one of these as well.

I've taken to stopping the car and asking if he would rather make his own way there.

Flaperon · 10/08/2015 17:39

DH is a bit like this with me, but it's because he suffers from anxiety rather than thinking I'm incompetent or being controlling. Usually, he doesn't realise he's doing it until I point it out to him and then he stops and apologises.

EponasWildDaughter · 10/08/2015 18:02

Have you ever said anything to him to stop it OP? How do it go down?

It sounds very parent to child like. Undermining and very annoying between adults.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 10/08/2015 18:14

For whatever reason it does feel deeply, unutterably patronising.... As if you've never coped before in the grown up world...

'Don't forget to lock the door /turn the gas off /pick up the kids... '

Ok... Thank you so much for telling me... I was about to leave the house open to burglars and squatters/gas us all/leave small kids unsupervised on the streets..... Aaargh AngryAngry

cleanindahouse · 10/08/2015 18:50

What LazyLouLou said

PLUtoPlanet · 10/08/2015 18:59

Recently, my father was very concerned about DH and me driving without GPS. Grin We fell into his trap by proudly defensively recounting our cross-country route had included an unmapped detour to find a petrol station, using good old-fashioned (1) map-reading, (2) asking directions and (3) observation.