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to find the martyr level here surprising?

93 replies

achieve6 · 10/08/2015 11:58

I love MN but I'm honestly shocked at posts saying things like

  1. I do (insert list of 100 items) for him but he does nothing for me, what should I do

  2. I am being taken advantage of financially but want to buy a magic wand rather than sort it out or leave

    I might need a break from MN already. I think my blood pressure is going up. I don't know women like this in real life. The odd one in my 20s...but not now. Maybe because I don't have the tolerance.
OP posts:
MintJulip · 10/08/2015 12:38

BTW aside from myself ( a few years ago) I do know people like this in RL one in particular has def got wires crossed as to being sweet and kind and actually just being a dogs body push over.

So much so - its almost a burden as you never know what she actually wants or is thinking as she is unable to simply say it. Its exhausting trying to work out what she actually wants or is happy with and its tempting to just ignore it and do what one wants but then - one sees others doing this all the time and tries not too.

But its annoying.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 10/08/2015 12:38

I don't think women end up in these situations because they want to be martyrs, I think women are conditioned from birth to please men and put up with an awful lot of crap to stay in a relationship. Maybe we should be trying to change that instead of calling vulnerable women martyrs.

LazyLouLou · 10/08/2015 12:39

Labelling people-other women-in turmoil, martyrs is very unfeeling, lacking in imagination and rather immature.sorry.

Is it just me? No, didn't think so!

Owl, you immature, unimaginative, labelling, thing, you Smile

imwithspud · 10/08/2015 12:39

Sometimes when you're stuck in a shit situation it's difficult to see the wood through the trees. When kids and mortgages etc are involved it's never as simple as leaving.

Lovelydiscusfish · 10/08/2015 12:39

I think it's important not to label women in abusive relationships as martyrs. If it was that easy to get away from abusers, then abuse wouldn't happen in the first place. Like all bullies, abusers are often good at eating away at their victims self esteem, sense of self worth, and view of what us normal.

Ilovecrapcrafts · 10/08/2015 12:40

There are martyrs, and they are annoying. The ones who say my h is always out and I never get bro go out because I have to look after the kids and clean the house and work full time.

However I agree with so much of this thread. Never say never- you just don't know where life will take you
No relationship is perfect. Your H might be great Round the house but he has another behaviour that people here wouldn't tolerate. I can guarantee that.

Finally don't forget lots of people are drama queens, lots are unable to cope with very much and sometimes when reading those threads you can see that. Some people Thrive on it. Some people always like to be the victim, some always like to be the one who has it tough. Takes all sorts in the world Wink

And some of course, are door mats and some are in abusive relationships Sad

achieve6 · 10/08/2015 12:40

sparkling - trying to work out how to hide an entire topic? Am on work computer though which is quite pants so maybe I will see it when I get home.

Lumpy - I know men and women who will do anything to stay in a relationship, sure. But I need to stop reading that.

I think to some extent teaching people to be more responsible for themselves and be self-sufficient - and never use "But I love him/her" as a reason for anything - would be good.

OP posts:
BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 10/08/2015 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thecatfromjapan · 10/08/2015 12:42

I agree with Owl and Lumpy.

I think you should now start a thread about how all these silly Black martyrs are getting themselves shot by police, and they are making your blood pressure rise.

I think your post is indicative of shallow thinking and/or immaturity.

TheStoic · 10/08/2015 12:43

I agree, OP.

I absolutely understand why a woman does not/cannot leave an abusive situation.

But the ones who stay and scivvy for the common garden deadshit who sucks the joy out of their lives every single day... I find that less understandable.

BigRedBall · 10/08/2015 12:43

What's bothering me is all these numbered nn's popping up all over MN these days.

Sparklingbrook · 10/08/2015 12:43

Go into Customise and scroll to the bottom. It says 'go here'. Click on the here and you can move topics to hidden. They won't appear in your Threads I'm On.
Just beware threads from hidden topics will still appear in Trending though. They need to sort that.

achieve6 · 10/08/2015 12:44

Ilovecrapcrafts " Never say never- you just don't know where life will take you"

I don't know if I will have more ill health or accidents. I don't know if there will be an awful financial crash that will finish us all in many ways.

I can't know 100% if my friends will stick by me forever, though they are doing a fab job so far.

But I do know that I won't put up with being treated like crap. I have shown men the door the millisecond that kind of thing manifested. In fact I may have done it before it really manifested, lol.

OP posts:
thecatfromjapan · 10/08/2015 12:46

BigRedBall , so true. And they give a composite picture of what they think 'mothers' are like, and what will upset 'them'.
School holidays.

Why do they resent 'mothers' do much?

But I guess it's better than buying weapons on-line and going back to school/to a shopping centre.

FabULouse · 10/08/2015 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 10/08/2015 12:51

Most people in abusive relationships often don't talk to anyone in real life about their situation, forums like this are vital. Seriously op, you need to work on your empathy.

DoJo · 10/08/2015 12:52

I think your OP overlooks how insidious this kind of thing is, particularly when you have kids. You start off in an equal relationship, then the woman gives up/takes a break from work during maternity leave and starts to focus more on taking care of kids as well as taking on a bit more responsibility for housework because they are at home all day/the mess is largely kid-induced/they feel as though they should because they are no longer earning as much/a combination of reasons along those lines.

The (usually) male partner gets used to having someone at home to deal with the kids/household admin/appointments/sticking a load of laundry on mid-morning, and if/when the time comes for everyone to adjust to the mother returning to work, there is suddenly a huge shirt required to get the relationship back on an equal footing.

In almost all cases one parent, and usually the mother, is the 'primary carer' and therefore ends up with ultimate responsibility for the children, which in turn means that they take on the shopping as a permanent chore because they are more likely to know what food fad is currently dominating lunch-box requests and who needs a quick dinner after swimming. They also find themselves doing the laundry because they know when PE kit will be needed or when a particular t-shirt will be requested for an activity.

In this way, any equal distribution of household tasks is suddenly dominated by the needs of the children (who cannot be expected to be responsible for themselves) and the 'secondary' parent sort of follows on their coat-tails, leaving the first parent surprised to realise that nothing happens unless they do it because they are effectively managing the majority of the household and their partner is able to get away with doing the bare minimum.

Coming back from that is a difficult business as it means that there has to be a mental shift as well as a shift in the physical business of actually getting the jobs done. I don't think many people embark on a completely unequal marriage and then wake up one day and decide that they aren't happy - I suspect that most drift into it without realising and only notice once the patterns are so ingrained that it is hard to change them without a major overhaul of the family dynamic as well.

achieve6 · 10/08/2015 12:53

Thanks Sparkling - done!

thank you to those who have understood what I said.

FabUlouse - I'm not talking about victims of abuse.

OP posts:
TenForward82 · 10/08/2015 12:55

I think OP has made it pretty clear that she's talking about dysfunctional / unbalanced relationships, not abusive ones. My early post is probably confusing people and I acknowledge I pulled things off course slightly. I'd delete if MN gave us the option.

catfromjapan, the sudden leap to racism is a bit unnecessary.

LazyLouLou · 10/08/2015 12:55

Oh dear. She pulled the 'victim blaming' card.

Now you know you are in trouble, achieve!!

Mind you, as she obviously has chosen to speak to you in the very manner she decries she has earned herself a nomination.

So that's Owllady and FabULouse up for the Unthinking Hypocrisy Award, so far.

Owllady · 10/08/2015 12:57

Have you got a family?

It only takes a few mitigating circumstances to find yourself vulnerable. From witnessing my parents marriage the catalyst was the birth of a sick child and it led to years of emotional, financial and domestically violent abuse. From a simplistic viewpoint you could say that would never happen because I'd never become financially dependant on someone else but the reality is that there is generally financial inequality in relationships due to differing wages. Due to pay inequality it's generally the woman who earns less. You throw something like an ill or disabled child into the mix and in and as a woman with the wrong man, that can be the catalyst to becoming vulnerable. It's something outside of your control and can lead to a spiral.

I'm not saying all people with ill or disabled children end up in abusive relationships, I'm using it as an example. I have a disabled child myself and it has made me financially vulnerable but luckily my husband isn't abusive (I hope most men aren't)

I'm not sure I'm making sense. But some people have more help than others to be stronger or they understand it better to begin with. Some people don't and sometimes things happen we have no control over. Sometimes our own behaviour surprises us.

It's not fair to call people asking for support martyrs.

Owllady · 10/08/2015 12:58

Loulou, are Katie Hopkins? Confused

thecatfromjapan · 10/08/2015 12:59

Nope. I was making a point about how people try to de-politicise issues by refusing to acknowledge situations are structural rather than individual. It's the phantasm of personal volition, and is a brake that anti-progressives attempt to apply to political problems.

Instead of structural change, oppressed people are then offered pills, motivational talk, chastisement for not 'doing better', and pills rather than actual political change.

maybebabybee · 10/08/2015 13:00

This thread is horrible.

As it happens, there isn't fantastic support for women wanting to leave abusive relationships. It's a massive lottery depending on where you live. My mum has just managed to get out of an 8 year abusive relationship and has had a horrendous time doing so - from the police treating her rudely and disrespectfully (and this happens a lot with DV victims) to the fact that our local DV service was shut down due to lack of funds. She doesn't qualify for legal aid any more due to the fact that our house is apparently worth too much money so she is now massively in debt due to having to pay legal fees.

She is a tough, strong woman but escaping abuse is an ongoing battle - it's not as simple as just leaving. I would rather have a mother like her than one who sits on the internet feeling smug because of course they would never ever put up with such crap!

YouTheCat · 10/08/2015 13:03

But unbalanced/dysfunctional relationships are, by their very nature, often abusive.

Good for you, OP, that you've always had the mental strength to stand up for yourself. Not everybody has that. There are people who grow up not knowing they have any worth. Or those people who are ground down. Or people who have a myriad of mental health problems.

There are all kinds of reasons why someone might not have the strength to say 'no, I'm not putting up with this crap'. You have no idea of the intricacies of anyone else's life or their feelings.

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