DM and alcohol consumption in front of our children. AIBU?

[Aramynta]

My DM and family are visiting us for the week this week. Mum asked me directly if they could stay and, as we have excess space, I couldn't really say no. I don't mind them staying, that's not the issue. But my mum is out of control.

They have been here for 2 days. Yesterday my mum drank a box of wine (4x75cl bottles) and half a bottle of gin. This is actually a typical amount for her to drink of an evening, and she has been told time and time again that it's not good for her, or fun for anyone else when she gets herself in such a state.

It was a hot day. My DD 10months and I went for a nap. I said that we were not to be disturbed under any circumstances ss mum has a habit of banging about and trying to get into bed with either me or the kids. I should add that she is a larger lady and obviously when drunk has a lack of control or awareness.

She tried to get into bed with me and DD, waking both of us, reeking of alcohol and made a fuss when I told her to get out, refusing to move despite crushing me under her. Eventually when went back downstairs in a bad mood, telling everyone I was being a bitch, including DS who is 3, who she then asked to go and pour her a gin and tonic!

I have asked her to stop drinking while they are staying here and she is obviously upset by this. Is it unreasonable of me to want to protect my children and myself? To not want them in particular to think this is normal behaviour?

Alcohol isn't my friend either, but I have (and still am to an extent) battled through and came out of the other end of it. I don't want to relapse while she is here.

She has gone out now for a walk with my Step-dad. She hasn't said anything other than "that's fine" but I don't think that's the end of it and have a feeling she will bring it up again.

How would you handle it? AIBU? Would it be unreasonable, if she were to bring alcohol into the house again, to ask her to leave?

This is so hard.

Thinking of you tonight. Do you think they would go to your GP ? I honestly don't think either of them should be driving (I am assuming he drinks as much as her - and obviously I might be wrong)

Thinking of you this morning OP and hope you are ok. As Wolf said above, you sound really lovely and that you are working really hard to turn things around for your family; you should be proud of what you've achieved. As I am sure you know, you can't do anything to change your mother's behaviour or drinking. Sad but true. You can, however, control how you respond to her and I think you do need to separate yourself from her. Tough love and all that. Sending you major and strength.

Well they are fine this morning. Mum can just about keep water down and Step-Dad is still resting. They may be going out today and will probably get their fix somewhere along the way, despite being "sicker than i've ever been", to quote my mum.

My step-dad is a heavy drinker, yes. He will drink an entire case of beer in a night, although he appears to have a lot more self control than Mum does. He doesn't usually cause trouble but this time he is depressed and not himself at all. I have no idea how much he drinks when they are at home.

Wolfiefan They won't be setting foot in this house again and certainly won't see me or the children after this until they can pull themselves together. They will be sober around us or they won't be around us at all. And thank you. As you say, you know just how hard this is and I really appreciate your support

BestZebbie I have kept both kids close to me since the other night. Even our eldest has been in bed with us. I barely let Mum hold her without supervision now, either. As a previous poster said if she falls over with her then DD could get inured. I'm not even going to risk that.

SocialMediaAddict and redshoeblueshoe they seem to be OK this morning. They survived the night through many trips to the toilet, a sick bowl and water available to them. I have a feeling that they have the rest of that bottle of Gin upstairs and cans of beer and probably drank it yesterday when they "went to lie down".

NotdeadyetBOING Thank you The DC's, DH and I are all fine. I feel much stronger last night despite being up most of the night worried sick. I know I can't do anything to save her and you are right, I hope that Tough Love will force her hand. I am going to do what I need to do to protect my family and myself.

I'm so sorry that you are experiencing such a stressful time

Thank you greenhill

We are going out with the kids today and they are meant to be visiting my sister (as were we, but I would rather avoid spending time with them at the moment).

DH is treating me to a lovely Starbucks and a bit of people watching. Just what I need right now I think.

Have a lovely day

How are they going to get home?

Good luck op. Just remember to put yourself and your little family first. You don't deserve this stress and upset.

I hope they seek help for their problems.

have you thought if you might do anything about informing her employers? it must be a very difficult decision to make but if she's responsible for handing out medication then someone's life could be at risk. you could be averting a tragedy, but I say that easily as an outsider. do you think she'd talk to her occupational health team? do you think you could inform her occupational health team? might give her a chance to get help before the nmc get involved. at the drinking levels you describe she would certainly not be allowed to work. if she is over the limit from the night before and working then she'd be struck off by the nmc

The thing with work (and I have witnessed it) is that she doesn't drink the night before a shift or in the evenings when she is home. I last stayed there 6 months ago and this is exactly what she did - my sister made sure of it, too. I don't know if she was just keeping up appearances, but what I do know is that even when I was younger and struggling with alcohol she would never drink on work nights. It was days off and holidays that she works.

I want to get her help first if I can. I hope refusing to see her or let her see the kids unless she is sober and actually seeks out help for her drinking will boot her up the arse.

If she's that ill one day without alcohol then she will still be drinking while she works, possibly even at work. You say your step dad doesn't seem his normal self either. A lot can happen in 6 months and perhaps the pair of them have sunk into raging alcoholism.

in which case she certainly manages to maintain a surprisingly high alcohol tolerance on just 3 nights drinking a week

Aramynta, I think you are in denial about the state your mum is at work

Look how "ill" she has been in just 24 hours

there is no way she is safe to work after just one evening's abstention

she isn't abstaining, lovey, she is keeping herself topped up in order to "function" at work

let this week be the week you properly wake up to the problem

I'm late to the party, I know. Hmm, maybe that's not the best choice of words.

Anyway, my brother was a 'functional alcoholic' for nigh on 30 years. He drank himself to sleep in the evening, got up sober in the morning and went to work and repeat every day. Once he retired, all hell broke loose and it's taken multiple trips to detox/rehab and a final trip to a locked psychiatric unit after a suicide attempt to finally straighten him out. He's on Antabuse and will be for the rest of his life.

OP, when I saw your post about her pouring you wine it just knocked the air out of me. Frankly, that's the point at which I would have kicked her out of the house. Anyone who does not respect the unbelievable struggle of an alcoholic to stop and then resist alcohol, and do everything they can to assist that person, does not deserve a place in your life. I would no more offer my brother a drink, or even put a bottle on the table during dinner, than I would hand him a live grenade. That was cruel beyond words.

You cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Your mother doesn't want to stop. You do (and have). She rightfully has no place in your life, regardless of whether or not your other family will support your decision. Your primary object should be your own sobriety, not hers.

Hi OP. Hope you are okay. Just to say re: the work issue again, I really can't re-iterate enough that she's not fit to be working and it's dangerous for her patients. Aside from the fact that I am convinced she is drinking on her work days, even if assuming you are right and she isn't then her withdrawal symptoms alone will be so bad she won't be fit / able to concentrate at work. Please take a moment to think about how dangerous this in when working with vulnerable people and dispensing medication etc.

Thank you AnyFucker - You are right. after my initial post I started too doubt myself again and even questioned myself when I went to work yesterday. The sheer amount she drinks in one sitting, it doesn't make sense. Reading your post, an yours KitKat1985 has knocked my sense back into me.

AcrossthePond55 Thank you for sharing your experience with your brother. You are right, she doesn't want to stop drinking and nothing I will say is likely to stop her or make her get help. In fact she is likely to throw the pity party and tell everyone how unreasonable I am. I need to protect my sobriety and the safety and well-being of my family.

They are still here and have respected my wishes of not drinking or being drunk in the house. However, she just can't help herself and I suspect has drank with lunch although I have no evidence of this.

Her not bringing alcohol to my door or being drunk in front of the children was my goal and it seems to have been achieved. I don't have the balls to kick them out as yet, despite being desperate for them to just go. I know my sister and her boyfriend would suffer and my older sister would get the tearful phonecall. At least here she is drinking less and not sitting outside in the blazing heat, harassing everyone else.

As soon as she is gone I will hand her the ultimatum. It's been nearly 25 years of drinking hell and it's time to stop exposing myself to it.

Bloody Hell - well done you for managing to stay sober and keep your calm with her still there. Glad your DH is being supportive - that must be really key at the moment. Changing family patterns of drinking and turning things around so they aren't repeated generation after generation is no walk in the park - but is so important. Sounds like you are doing a brilliant job. Huge bunch of from me.

My husband has just come out of hospital, including a stay of several days in HDU. I would have been horrified if your mum had been nursing him, and if I had suspected one of the nurses being drunk on duty I would have had no hesitation in reporting him/her.

Good for you, stay strong.

FWIW I agree (as long as she is staying sober and not bringing drink into the house) with waiting until she goes home. Easier all round to not have a scene.

As far as your siblings go, you might be surprised. They may be feeling the same as you, but don't have your courage or determination. At any rate, they are not your problem, either. It is NOT your 'fault' or 'responsibility' to make their lives peaceful. Let them deal with her themselves.

Honestly, if they give you grief for wanting to protect your sobriety and for wanting your mother to stop drinking just to make their lives easier, then (pardon me) fuck them!

Totally agree with Acrossthepond that none of this is your fault and you don't have to do anything and everything to make life easy for them. Of course you love them and that is wonderful, but they need to 'run' their own relationships with your mother. I think that part of it needs to be untangled in your mind so you can leave them to it without feeling guilty (which you honestly don't need to).

I had a house guest who behaved the same as your mum , I asked them to leave after they nearly set the house on fire after drinking a box of red wine one afternoon when we were out

I'm a parent to my children only , I can't be responsible for them too

Never heard from them again

Notdeadyet I am very lucky DH is supportive. I couldn't have done it without his encouragement. Obviously, as someone who has come into our family (and desperately tried and succeeded in supporting me though my drinking troubles) he has seen it as it is from the start. Both me and my sisters want to break the chain. I'm not having my kids or theirs thinking that it is normal on a day off to drink that much and more. After all, if I hadn't had a go at her for getting in bed with us she would have continued.

Also, I think you nailed it in regards to my sisters needing to run their own relationships with her. They both manage her in ways that suit them and I will try and make it clear that my sobriety and my children are the reason I want to go NC if she can't remain sober around us.

AcrossthePond My sisters are completely on board with me on this which makes it easier. My older sister actually warned my mum about getting drunk and dragging me back down with her (which Mum was furious about. Drinks "in moderation" apparently). I think they would both understand completely, but I feel as if neither of them want to rock the boat. My younger sister obviously doesn't know all that much about my problems. At least I have't told her. She has enough to deal with having lived with her all those years!

BumbleBees Fuck me, set fire to the house? Good on you. I would certainly have her out if it got that bad. You are right, it's like having an extra bloody kid to deal with!

2 days before they leave now, early on Monday morning. They have actually done really well with not drinking here, or getting drunk at the pub and coming home trashed. Not particularly in other ways though. I am currently clearing up after triple the amount of people as none of them can be bothered to tidy up behind themselves. They've left windows wide open if they have left the house after us. I just have to remind myself that if I was visiting my mum and I disrespected her and her home while there I would have gotten a flea in my ear, and have done in the past!

Counting down the seconds until I have my home back.

Just keep counting those seconds! Can you make plans for the weekend to get you all out and about? A country drive or a day out somewhere, say a museum, gallery, or park? It might make the weekend go faster and drink a little harder to obtain/imbibe.

As long as your sisters understand that each of you is responsible for your own relationship (or lack of) with your mother, that's the main thing. They can decide for themselves as to their own particular 'boats'. Yours will be sailing out of the harbour into the open seas soon.

When I had unwelcome guests (family!) it helped me to keep a running tally of the hours left, sheer relief when it got to zero!