DM and alcohol consumption in front of our children. AIBU?

[Aramynta]

My DM and family are visiting us for the week this week. Mum asked me directly if they could stay and, as we have excess space, I couldn't really say no. I don't mind them staying, that's not the issue. But my mum is out of control.

They have been here for 2 days. Yesterday my mum drank a box of wine (4x75cl bottles) and half a bottle of gin. This is actually a typical amount for her to drink of an evening, and she has been told time and time again that it's not good for her, or fun for anyone else when she gets herself in such a state.

It was a hot day. My DD 10months and I went for a nap. I said that we were not to be disturbed under any circumstances ss mum has a habit of banging about and trying to get into bed with either me or the kids. I should add that she is a larger lady and obviously when drunk has a lack of control or awareness.

She tried to get into bed with me and DD, waking both of us, reeking of alcohol and made a fuss when I told her to get out, refusing to move despite crushing me under her. Eventually when went back downstairs in a bad mood, telling everyone I was being a bitch, including DS who is 3, who she then asked to go and pour her a gin and tonic!

I have asked her to stop drinking while they are staying here and she is obviously upset by this. Is it unreasonable of me to want to protect my children and myself? To not want them in particular to think this is normal behaviour?

Alcohol isn't my friend either, but I have (and still am to an extent) battled through and came out of the other end of it. I don't want to relapse while she is here.

She has gone out now for a walk with my Step-dad. She hasn't said anything other than "that's fine" but I don't think that's the end of it and have a feeling she will bring it up again.

How would you handle it? AIBU? Would it be unreasonable, if she were to bring alcohol into the house again, to ask her to leave?

This is so hard.

That is A LOT of alcohol to consume, especially if it is the norm for her, as your OP seems to suggest. I would ask her to stop drinking in the house, if she can't do that then she can't stay. It IS putting the children at risk, and also by asking your DS to pour her alcohol its normalising what she is doing.
She shouldn't be calling you names for trying to protect your DC.
Most worrying is the lack of spacial awareness, and trying to get in bed with you (?!) Maybe you could film her when she is like that and show her just how horrible it is for the children when she is in a state to see it. Maybe she needs to see her rock bottom to address her alcoholism.

Just stick to the no alcohol in the house , FWIW my nan was an alcoholic ( from a family of alcoholics) and it was probably a childhood spent in her pub that has led to me being tee total ,sadly it also meant that by the time she died we were just relieved rather than being upset .

It's not easy when it's family.

Agree with everyone else. You cannot tolerate this behaviour and need to prioritise the safety of your children and your own sobriety. On that note, just wanted to say well done for managing to get sober yourself. Massive congratulations and don't allow her to sabotage that - it's precious!

I can't believe there's even a question mark over this!
Get her out and never let her back in!!

Just because you have the space to accommodate them, it doesn't mean you should feel obliged to let them stay. After that incident, I'd say that as a family you are all in physical danger. Ask them to leave and help pack their bags. Be polite but firm.

SocialMediaAddict is right - with this level of drinking it is very likely that she won't be able to just stop without there being a serious risk of her having seizures. She would need to either taper off her drinking gradually (which is nigh-on impossible for most alcoholics) or to have a medically-supervised detox in hospital.

There is another thing to consider. If she's drinking that much every day then there is nowhere near enough time for her to sober up before she starts drinking again. She's permanently drunk. The only difference is that she's even more drunk in the evening than she is in the morning.

Bloody hell. She needs to leave- as soon as possible. I've had an alcoholic parent (and sibling) and understand the agonies. The unpredictability is one of the worst things- constantly worrying what will happen next.
Look after yourself and your kids.
You can be there for her when she's ready to change but now is not that time.

She needs professional help ASAP. That level of alcohol abuse isn't just enjoying a drink. Unfortunately, until she realises that she's hit rock bottom she'll probably be very reluctant to do anything about it.

I'd be firm with her. Tell her that until she gets help she won't be welcome in your home. Look up Al Anon. They have fantastic advice for families who are affected by drinking. And good luck to all of you.

Just to reiterate what others have said, she needs a medical supervised detox. Please do not listen to the people saying you should pour her drinks away and get her to go cold turkey. That would be incredibly dangerous. Just tell her to leave and not to come back until she's sober.

She's an alcoholic, I'm sorry to say OP. If this is the norm for her then I'm surprised that she's not more unwell.

She's putting alcohol before you and her children. She won't help keep you from relapsing, in fact she might affect you negatively.

YANBU. Keep to no alcohol but be prepared for her to bring it in and be ready to assert yourself and tell her to leave.

Ps - I really hope she's not driving during the day. As someone said before, she cannot be sobering up enough.

You know what you need to do OP. Do you have the strength to do it?

Thank you for all your advice, and for those posters who have shown concern for me and my DC

I can't answer you all individually, as much as I would like to, but I will try and cover everything.

She does have a problem. My D(half)sis grew up with her and she hasn't changed. 20+ years she has been like this. As a side note, Granny (her mum) was an alcoholic, too, to the point of hiding alcohol so we "wouldn't find out" (never mind the fog of booze reek around her).

To those who wonder why I am even asking it's because this is the first time I have faced this, with her as a house guest and finally sober myself. It's difficult to know if IABU, or just hypocritical and spoiling her fun, which is how she has made me feel by crying about it - I've stood my ground and stayed strong on the matter though, despite DH not being here for moral support!

My Step-Dad is depressed as a result of his Mums death a couple of years ago. I only found this out when they arrived and have given him the only advice I can. Stop drinking, go back to the doctor. He drinks, but handles himself far better than my Mum. He is no trouble although it is damaging his health, too and while he is in this state he can't help her.

As for getting her help, it's quite difficult. They live in Scotland and I only see her once or twice a year with very little contact in between (although not quite NC) but when I do see her this is what it's like. From a distance it is hard to do anything. I have told her she is an alcoholic like Granny was and she has either brushed it off or twisted it so it seems i'm personally attacking her. Or cry's about it.

Somehow my Half sister (who also lives in Scotland) has grown up into an amazing, sensible young woman. She hates Mum drinking too, but Mum won't accept help from her.

The only thing about going NC with her is how much pressure that would put on my Sister, half sister and Step-dad. All I want to do is tell her to go, and under no circumstances are they going to be staying with us again until she is sober.

Friends? She doesn't have any. Most of our relatives up there put up with it to an extent, but she only really sees them when it's an "event" like a birthday, Gala day, Christmas etc. They don't see that as her normality.

The strange thing is that she works 12 hr shifts, 4 on and 4 off and can quite easily handle herself without even a glass of wine when she has to be at work. She doesn't even shake because, I assume, her tolerance is so high. Bus as soon as she starts her 4 days off she comes in from the night shift, cracks open the wine and drinks until she passes out with Step-dad, who also works nights.

Thank you again, all of you, for your help. I have some serious thinking to do about this, not just for me but for the sake of the kids as well.

bigbumtheory If she brings ANY more drink into the house I will ask her to leave. It will be really fucking hard and heartbreaking but I can't have her like this in my house with my children.

She wanted to take DD in the pram to the shops today and I had to say no. As most of you have said with the amount she drank yesterday I think she is probably still over the limit.

Sparkletastic I don't. Not at all. But I have to and I know that both my Sisters and my DH will support me.

I am trying my hardest not to drink right now. It's almost physically painful watching her drink, right in front of me, as if she has absolutely no concern for my health or sobriety at all.

I don't believe she can drink like that and not drink on work days. She's an addict and will lie about everything.

Don't risk your sobriety! Your kids need you sober. Watching my husbands battles I know how hard it is. Our house is completely dry (I miss wine!). Ask her to leave.

you say she's doing shift work....please not a hospital or transport related??! she can't ever be sober with that daily intake.

It is incredibly difficult being in your position. Ultimatums along the lines of 'it's us or the drink' don't work. You will not be able to make her see her problem or get treatment until she is ready- which sounds some way off. If she can have sober days she will think she has it under control- which, as we can see, is bollocks.
However you can put the ground rules in place though and ask her to leave if she doesn't abide by them- use the support of your family to give you the strength to do this. You don't have to cut off contact if you don't want to, but you can have it on your terms.
You have done SO well to get to this point with your own alcohol issues. Stay strong because you are being seriously tested. You are breaking this family history- you recognize it for what it is. That is great and your kids are lucky to have you. But it takes constant vigilance.

Do I assume from your posts that you consider yourself a recovering alcoholic ? If so does your mum know this ,if not it's probably worth telling her that you feel you can't be around alcohol for that reason - if she can manage to not drink when she is working then she can manage not to drink whilst with you .

Aramynta Good, that's what you need to keep in mind. Good luck. I do hope she behaves as she should but I have doubts she will, sadly.

"She wanted to take DD in the pram to the shops today" - you do realise this is an excuse to go out so she can buy alcohol, don't you? As will be any offer to take the DCs out for a walk / popping out to buy milk / going to post a letter etc.

Alcoholics who regularly drink the amount your mother is drinking will lie and cheat and steal (if necessary) to fund their habit. You will not be able to trust anything she says.

It's hard, isn't it?

Namechange7711 I had a terrible feeling this would be the case. They have hidden it well but I am convinced I heard a 'clink' while she was putting away some shopping. I can't find it anywhere as yet, but will be able to tell when she drinks it. It is hard. I don't want her to die like my Granny did. It was awful.

backtowork2015 She is a nurse, yes. She has always been rather good at her job. It's incomprehensible. Obviously I can't be sure she isn't drinking before and after work, but I know that she gets the shakes, anxiety, irritability and stomach pains (and I quote) "just like when I had to have my GallBladder out". She does not see the link between her drinking and pain on that side of her body and puts it down to trapped wind

Floralnomad She knows that I am in recovery, yes, but that doesn't stop her pouring and handing me glasses of wine. My medication reacts badly to alcohol consumption which, again, she knows. She downplays the fact that I had a problem and tells me not to be so silly.

I'm feeling more and more angry - yet reasonable - the more I read. I thought if I had suggested I wanted to kick her out (and I very much do) that I would have been shot down!

For your sake , let alone your dc, you really need to say your home is an alcohol free zone or she leaves . Good luck .

Kick her out.

I'm am horrified that she's nursing.

Kick her out. If she's not willing to see where you're coming from and is even trying to conpromise your sobriety, that is truly awful. Maybe she needs to suffer some consequences of her actions to get the message a bit.

Don't alcoholics need to hit rock bottom (I am not experienced in this area). But I would hope that being told that she isn't safe to be around her children and grandchildren would make her think.