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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM and alcohol consumption in front of our children. AIBU?

99 replies

Aramynta · 10/08/2015 10:23

My DM and family are visiting us for the week this week. Mum asked me directly if they could stay and, as we have excess space, I couldn't really say no. I don't mind them staying, that's not the issue. But my mum is out of control.

They have been here for 2 days. Yesterday my mum drank a box of wine (4x75cl bottles) and half a bottle of gin. This is actually a typical amount for her to drink of an evening, and she has been told time and time again that it's not good for her, or fun for anyone else when she gets herself in such a state.

It was a hot day. My DD 10months and I went for a nap. I said that we were not to be disturbed under any circumstances ss mum has a habit of banging about and trying to get into bed with either me or the kids. I should add that she is a larger lady and obviously when drunk has a lack of control or awareness.

She tried to get into bed with me and DD, waking both of us, reeking of alcohol and made a fuss when I told her to get out, refusing to move despite crushing me under her. Eventually when went back downstairs in a bad mood, telling everyone I was being a bitch, including DS who is 3, who she then asked to go and pour her a gin and tonic!

I have asked her to stop drinking while they are staying here and she is obviously upset by this. Is it unreasonable of me to want to protect my children and myself? To not want them in particular to think this is normal behaviour?

Alcohol isn't my friend either, but I have (and still am to an extent) battled through and came out of the other end of it. I don't want to relapse while she is here.

She has gone out now for a walk with my Step-dad. She hasn't said anything other than "that's fine" but I don't think that's the end of it and have a feeling she will bring it up again.

How would you handle it? AIBU? Would it be unreasonable, if she were to bring alcohol into the house again, to ask her to leave?

This is so hard.

OP posts:
namechange7711 · 10/08/2015 15:02

"I can't find it anywhere as yet, but will be able to tell when she drinks it" - I used to think this too, but actually I couldn't tell with my mother most of the time. The fact is there will be so much alcohol sloshing around her system all of the time, that she won't look or act drunk after one bottle of wine, or even two bottles of wine, like most normal people would.

"She knows that I am in recovery, but that doesn't stop her pouring and handing me glasses of wine" - For this reason alone, she has to go. She is minimising your condition, so as to normalise her behaviour. She knows that if she can get you to join in, it will be more difficult for you to criticise her. Please be strong and resist this blackmail.

Get angry!! You have every right to get angry. How dare she put you in this position when you have two small DCs to look after! How dare she offer you drinks when she knows you are in recovery yourself. How dare she pooh-pooh all your reasonable concerns about her drinking and try to make light of it!

I hope you are calling your DH for support. Is he far away? Can he come home to support you in telling her she has to leave?

Icimoi · 10/08/2015 15:15

I too am horrified that she is a nurse. She will certainly be going on duty well tanked up - someone who has been drinking regularly to that level for so long wouldn't be able to function without. And she will be taking top-ups during the day. You probably need to think about alerting her employers to the fact that she has a major drinking problem, otherwise there will be very serious effects on the patients she is looking after.

Crispyjoyluck · 10/08/2015 15:22

She's a nurse?!Shock

NotdeadyetBOING · 10/08/2015 15:33

My heart goes out to you. Things are never as clear cut as they seem and I appreciate what you say about you potentially making things harder for your sister. I also imagine you feel slightly conflicted/confused if you have had problems around alcohol yourself - sort of 'who am I to talk?' kind of thing.

BUT - believe me (and everyone else on this thread) when I say you must be really firm about this. You don't have to threaten NC or shout or scream, but you DO have to insist on her not being near you or the children when she has been drinking. It is clearly appalling and dangerous to have her near children in that state, but in a funny way I am almost more worried about the effect it could have on you and your recovery. You are the mother of these precious small people and your sobriety is paramount. You must protect it at all costs and she is endangering it big time. You have done brilliantly working so hard to clean up your own act - time to put some serious boundaries in place.

Speaking as the daughter of a violent alcoholic father and also a recovering alcoholic herself

redshoeblueshoe · 10/08/2015 15:59

Bloody hell I didn't think this could get any worse. A nurse I cannot articulate my thoughts on that. Will your DH be home soon ? Flowers

Original poster
Aramynta · 10/08/2015 16:13

DH is working today and Wednesday, but off tomorrow and Thursday and I am working Wednesday too, so I will have support from him as of about 5 today.

Why does this have to be so fucking hard? They have gone to have a lie down because Mum is so hungover tired and I wouldn't be surprised to find Mum and Step-dad have drink up there with them.

I know I need to get her to go. She seems so remorseful about it today though but I don't know if that's because she is worried about me, the kids, herself or where her next drink will come from. I am leaning towards the very latter.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aramynta · 10/08/2015 16:24

NotdeadyetBOING I'm crying now. You are right, those little people need me and I don't need her trying to drag me back into that black home again. I have fought so hard for all of this and she is unknowingly jeopardize it though her ignorance of my mental state. Thank you so much Thanks I am here for mutual support. And for everyone else who has been through this. We all know how hard it is.

I think that's another reason I find it so hard with her. I know she is crying because she feels like a failure, she probably resents me right now a little bit and feels patronised, panicked about not being able to drink. Pitying herself, like I used to, when my DH confronted me and said it had to stop and a little bit humiliated by her behaviour.

The funny thing is, she is a mental health nurse, too. She has worked in a high security state hospital and then very closely with those suffering addiction and alcoholism. You would think, seeing her future every single day at work she would stop.

I honestly think she will keep going until she goes into complete renal failure, when it will be too damn late to do anything about it.

OP posts:
Finola1step · 10/08/2015 16:29

The plain truth is that she wants you to drink with her because it will validate her own drinking.

I'm really sorry. Get her out to protect yourself.

KitKat1985 · 10/08/2015 16:34

I'm sorry to hear about all your troubles with your mum. I do think you need to make it clear to her that you are very concerned about her drinking and if you catch her drinking you will ask her to leave. I also think, and I know this is a really difficult thing to do, that you need to contact her employer or the NMC about her drinking. I refuse to believe she isn't drinking on her work days. I know that's a really hard thing to say but maybe she needs to get suspended / put on sick leave for her to face up to how bad things are. I think deep down your Mum has enough professional knowledge to know she is an alcoholic, but she's in deep denial.

HowardTJMoon · 10/08/2015 16:36

She has worked in a high security state hospital and then very closely with those suffering addiction and alcoholism. You would think, seeing her future every single day at work she would stop.

She probably justifies it to herself as however much she's drinking, she's not as bad as her patients are. While that might be complete bullshit it is a common piece of self-justification.

redshoeblueshoe · 10/08/2015 16:44

I'm glad your DH will be home soon.

Original poster
Aramynta · 10/08/2015 17:50

Finola1step and HowardTJMoon

You are of course both right. She needs to be able to compare and justify why she does what she does. She started drinking at 10am and was bladdered by 2pm. But that's OK because Dsis had one glass of wine yesterday and DBIL had a couple of beers.

redshoeblueshoe DH certainly won't tolerate it and is more ruthless than me. He was worried about this happening and of course it happened.

As for Mum, she is on strict orders not to drink under my roof or come near me and my children if she gets drunk - after which I will be book her a hotel room and send her off in a taxi.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aramynta · 10/08/2015 19:49

OK, so both Mum and Step-Dad went to bed at 5pm just after DH got home from work.

They both started being sick. Mum has been anxious today and shaky and god knows with step-dad as he has been very distant today. I have a terrible feeling it may be withdrawal symptoms and I'm not quite sure what to do. They are blaming it on something they ate, but the rest of us are fine.

Obviously I will keep an eye on them, but I am quite worried about them.

OP posts:
HowardTJMoon · 10/08/2015 20:04

I have a terrible feeling it may be withdrawal symptoms and I'm not quite sure what to do.

She's a long-term alcoholic. She is sure to know about how to cope with her withdrawal symptoms. The only thing you need to do is, if one or other of them has a seizure, then phone an ambulance immediately. Regardless of what they may say, regardless of what threats they may make, phone an ambulance and tell the paramedic the truth about how much they drink. Alcohol is one of the few drugs that can be fatal during withdrawal.

FuckOffPeppa · 10/08/2015 20:13

If she genuinely drank that much and that is typical for an evening then she is most certainly drunk at work. Please make her bosses aware of this, lives literally depend on it.
She cannot possibly go cold turkey for 4 days if she is drinking that much. Not gonna happen.
Do not leave her alone with your children.

AllThatGlistens · 10/08/2015 20:22

My heart goes out to you OP, and I'm absolutely horrified that she's still nursing!

If they become really unwell, as a PP said, simply phone an ambulance and tell the paramedics the truth. There's nothing else to be done, really.

Above all, protect yourself, and your wee ones. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this Flowers

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 10/08/2015 20:31

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're being incredibly strong. I'm glad your husband is home now to give you some support Brew

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 10/08/2015 20:34

Just wanted to add my support, what a horrible situation. I have some issues with my own DM and her drinking (& DH sometimes!) and really, there's just no reasoning with them until they accept the reality. You are obviously a strong and resolute character to have managed your own situation, use that fortitude now to look after yourself and your DC's.

DixieNormas · 10/08/2015 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Aramynta · 10/08/2015 21:28

I will keep a close eye on them. My sister has taken them baby wipes, a sick bowl, toilet roll etc because they are still being sick. It's really hard because I keep wondering if I have done the right thing or not by taking it away.

DixieNormas the problem is that home is 360 miles away. They aren't in any fit state to drive and certainly wouldn't have been if they had carried on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aramynta · 10/08/2015 21:33

I just wanted to add that I really am grateful for all the support you have all shown me. It's so hard to have perspective when my own views on alcohol have been so skewed before, and the fact that it's always been "normal" for her to be this way.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 10/08/2015 21:38

OP you sound so lovely and like you have had so much to face.
i grew up with an alcoholic so I understand a little.
Remember. You can't make them sober or keep them well.
You have to look after yourself and your children. It sounds as though they can't do without the drink so in future they can't stay with you.
I'm afraid after your experience I would be booking them into a hotel. They couldn't spend another night in my house.

I get that you are worried but you can't make this better.
And a nurse? Responsible for meds? I'd be reporting her. Sorry.
Half a box of wine OR 1/4 of a bottle of gin would probably hospitalise me. I couldn't do a responsible job the day after.

Bunbaker · 10/08/2015 21:49

Did they drive to come and visit you?

BestZebbie · 10/08/2015 22:42

Just to reiterate that if she crushes you, an adult, when she drunkenly decides to get into your bed while you are sleeping, she will undoubtedly kill your baby within minutes when the point inevitably comes that she decides to get into their bed.
If she were a cat or dog that wanted to get into the baby's crib to sleep on them you would lock them out of the room which the baby slept in without a moment's hesitation - bear this in mind when letting your mum and your baby have access to each other without you there (take your baby with you as you did, or have Dh stay there with the baby if you go to have a nap etc etc)

SocialMediaAddict · 10/08/2015 22:45

They need alcohol. They are in alcohol withdrawal. It's very dangerous. If one of them fits call an ambulance. I'm presuming your stepfather drinks as much as your mum?

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