To be annoyed with step daughter-2nd pregnancy.

[simplesusan]

Hi there.

I am prepared to be flamed for this and know there are bigger problems in the world but I need to get it off my chest.

DSd is 18. She has a baby under 1 year old, it was a mistake she claims. She told her dad that the pill she was taking failed and that her partner used a condom and that ripped too.

She is no longer with the baby s dad and has a very volatile relationship with him played out for all to see on social media.
She was 16 when she got pregnant and had not been with her boyfriend long.

Neither of them work.

She is always asking her dad for money to buy things and will not consider or entertain the possibility of buying used things for herself or the baby. Everything has to be expensive and new.

She owes her dad money and promised when he lent it to her that she would pay it back at x amount per week. She now says she cannot afford it and quote ' has had to go into her overdraft to buy cigarettes.'

Well now to the problem. Within the space of 4 months she split with the baby's dad( not the first time they have split),met a boy who she claimed on social media was the 'love of her life'. Ended the relationship with this boy and got back with the baby's father. Got engaged to the baby's father, her father and I found out through social media. Booked a wedding, telling us to save the date. Split with him, met someone else and got pregnant to him within a matter of weeks rather than months.

Again she has told the entire world all about it.
She has now lost the baby and is 'devastated' although she told her father it was another mistake as the pill had, yet again failed.

She will no doubt get pregnant again , I'm certain of that.

On the day that she told her father she was pregnant again, she asked us to collect her from the latest boyfriends and take her to boyfriend number one to collect her baby.

Here is the thing.

The last thing we knew she was involving the courts to try and stop boyfriend number one from having access to the baby yet now he is a convenient babysitter, she dumps the baby there overnight do that she can spend time with her latest boyfriend.
The reason I am angry with her Is that she called her dad in tears screaming and crying thst boyfriend one would not let her in the house to gave be baby back saying she was an unfit mother and he wanted to look after the child.

Her dad had to leave work early to go and help her and got a serious rollicking from his boss over it.

Now she dumps the child with the so called unfit first boyfriend to basically spend the night with botpyfriend number 3!

Sorry thst this is long.

I have told dp to have a serious word with her.

How on earth can she bring another child into this situation .

She hardly knows the latest boyfriend whom I should add already has a child and is quite a bit older than her.

She refuses to let us meet him claiming that we won't like him.

How will she support another child?

She has asked us to contribute to an expensive item for her baby's first birthday and I have said no.

I worked 6 days a week when my dd was born and her father worked full time too and we made do with 2nD hand items

Her dad has admitted to me that he daren't say anything to upset her.
Ever time he voices his opinion she stops all contact and that includes with our grandson and my dp adores
Him

I don't know what I'm asking and wonder if I'm just an old fashioned fuddy duddy, but it all seems so wrong to me.

I haven't asked my friends as quite frankly we are both embarrassed by her behaviour.

DSD's behaviour is unacceptable and unspeakably selfish.

Time for some very, very tough love from your DP, OP. supported by you.

DSD' is suffering from poor boundaries. Her baby is suffering. Your other children are suffering because of this. Time for some very strict boundaries. It's the only way.

Sending you strength.

What a mess op somebody needs to step up and tell her enough is enough she sounds spoiled and immature her mother is probably at the end of her tether and watches the baby to stop her having a tantrum . The baby really isnt your Sd priority which is a shame im sure she does love him though I think her mum and dad need to show a unitied front support her but not enable sounds tough especially if she has all her drama on facebook which many people do your stepdaughter isnt rare in doing that.

She sounds a mess. Have you considered family counselling? It may help you all see other perspectives. Her life is spiralling out of control and has been for some time, has anyone worked out why? Or how to get back on track?

You are being very silly and cutting off your nose to spite your face by not babysitting. You love the baby, you want contact, she only wants that with conditions (maybe she doesn't want to spend much time at your house just so you can coo over the baby when you clearly don't like her and she probably doesn't like you). The glaringly obvious solution is for you to babysit, then you don't have to see each other but you get to see the baby.

Or just carry on slagging her off, and resenting the lack of contact with your dgs which you could fix in an instant if it weren't for YOUR conditions.

Everyone in this story needs to get over themselves, including her, and including you and your dh.

Yeah I think I agree with ^^ have the baby over see it as a chance to see him not giving in to her demands and yes she is out of control

Actually tree she does like me, be very very assured it would be all over facebook if she didn't . I haven't put everything she writes on there but she takes no prisoners in calling anyone who disagrees with her a fucking cunt.

Maybe thst is one of the reasons she has sex straight away with boys/men. Because friends tend not to take too well to being labelled a cunt. Neither do relatives so they keep their distance and she doesn't have many friends.

She has had more boyfriends than these 3. I mentioned the 3 because in the space of a few. Months she has declared u denying love for each one of them.
She now talks of marrying the latest one, and yes her father and I are worried/angry/disparing and every other emotion a parent would be in this situation.

Her father has said from the start that he will not babysit for her, we see her and the baby together, sometimes with her mum.

He will babysit if she begins to start some kind(any kind) of job. We won't babysit for her to go and have sex with anyone.
That is enabling her irresponsible behaviour.

Her mother allows men/boys to sleep with her in her house so she has plenty of opportunity to be with whoever she chooses and no I do not allow my dcs to behave like that, and I dont give a crap if you disagree with me on that, my opinion will not change.

We have made our decision she has made hers.

Her father was not over the moon that his unemployed, unmarried dd was having a second baby within the space of. A year to a second man. The likelihood of this man staying with her forever is probably near to zero.

I would not admire anyone who would be proud to have a child like that.
We love the baby and her and will no doubt love the other children she may have.

If you read the thread you will see she wants other children, the problem is see cannot support them.
Tells her dad how she cannot afford to eat, cannot afford curtains for her room or the baby's cannot afford a bed cannot afford furniture etc etcetera .

My dp has bought her all these things.

Even though it is her mothers house, yet her mother moaned that he would not buy the matching curtains for the rest of the house!

We then find out that the government has given her money to supposedly buy these things plus all the other things pram, cat, high chair etc etc which again we have contributed towards even though we have to make sacrifices our selves and our other children do not get anywhere near the amount of help even my son who is youngerg than her has got a part time job to pay for things.

When her dad asked her what she had spent this. Only on she goes off into a fit of rage and yes, withdraws contact.

So we have come to the conclusion that the only thing to do is back off.

We will not lend her money, we will not buy her things other than for Christmas and birthdays. And we will not pass any opinion on her latest boyfriend.

Oh and my dp is no longer going to help her boyfriend get employment as he has done in the past only for the boyfriend to turn his nose up at the bizzare idea that a man should have to go out to work to get money.

Like I said there are more important issues in the world I know but it is worrying.

Both her dad mum and I work her siblings work her step siblings who are in education have part time jobs so I dont know where she gets her ideas from.

Once again thank you to the posters for your positive ideas.

It seems like the young girl is directionless and her experience of relationships has not been good. It is not possible to change this for her now as she is an adult but it would be a shame if her DC started to behave in the same way.

I would be positive towards her, without being taken for a mug, offer her practical support but do not give her money. Positive roll modelling. Maybe she will change her ways, but if not at least her child has a positive experience in the mean time.

Hi-I think this is a very difficult situation. Your step-daughter is riding roughshod over everyone and needs boundaries-you also need boundaries for the sake of other children.
She also needs your love and support and, of course, you want to do your best for her baby.
I am most definitely not diagnosing her with anything but I think you would get some useful advice on the BPD family site "The Nook"-there is a section for parents. There are loads of links to books about validating feelings and yet setting boundaries which would be useful to any parent in this situation even if the nearly adult child did not have a mental health problem.

It's really difficult. My SIL was very similar to the OP's SD.
Pregnant at 16 and 17, luckily same father. both were 'accidents'. She left school without any qualifications or any notion of what she wanted to do and had a horrible "entitlement" attitude.

When child 1 was born, she had a terrible birth and couldn't bond with her baby (and was too ill to look after him). I took 6 weeks of unpaid leave from work and brough the baby home with me.

Up until recently (and her children are 7 and 8) she has very much played the "poor me" card. It's not fair that: her friends get to go out, and have jobs and money. It't not fair that: me and her brother have a nice house and a car each. It's not fair that: she never has any money and has to work in rubbish jobs and on shifts etc.

Her parents have paid for driving lessons and a car for her (and subsequently 2 more cars when they broke/she had an accident), they've paid for an abroad holiday for her and the children every year. They've always propped her up and she's never had to deal with the consequences of her actions.

But also, she's never realised that we (me, her brother and her relatives/friends) have the lives we have because of the choices we have made - going to college or university, not having children, making other sacrifices to ensure we can afford bill payments etc. I chose not to have children when DH and I first met - instead we both work full time, but have a nice house, good jobs and we are financially secure.

I think stopping money is a good move but if her mum isnt on board then she wont change not that you can force it she sounds like the world owesher some people are just like that and expect baby number 2 then 3 ..

Her father has said from the start that he will not babysit for her, we see her and the baby together, sometimes with her mum. He will babysit if she begins to start some kind(any kind) of job. We won't babysit for her to go and have sex with anyone.

Great idea - she definitely won't be able to have with anyone then, will she... oh, hang on:

Her mother allows men/boys to sleep with her in her house so she has plenty of opportunity to be with whoever she chooses

You're wasting your potential time with your grandchild by being pompous and controlling. You can't control her, she's an adult, and you're doing an inevitably shit job of trying to manipulate her behaviour - she's already fallen pregnant again, despite this nonsense. It doesn't work.

You complain about her putting conditions on seeing the baby, but YOU are the ones putting conditions on (the apple didn't fall far from the tree, did it?). If you want to see the baby, stop being petty and controlling and see it. In any case stop bloody moaning about her preventing you from seeing it, she's not (or at least not any more than you yourselves are doing).

She will have more babies, the state will pay, with maybe some assistance from the father and the wider families, or maybe not. This is not uncommon, although obviously not ideal and you disagree with it. But there is nothing you can do about it, you can let it get in the way of your relationship with her and the grandchildren, or you can get over yourself and take every opportunity to see them.

I've just had a look through your posts, I may have missed it, but you've not said how long you DSD's parents have been split up or who else lives with her and her mum.

It sounds like everything that she is doing is: 1. for attention from family/friends 2. for affection/love from boys

I don't agree with your DP saying that he'll only babysit if she gets a job - she is not a child anymore AND she is a single parent and her child needs her to be at home which is why single parents can be at home with their child until they are school age - and then only have to get a job that works around school hours.

I agree with some other posters. I'm curious as to why her father will only babysit if she gets a job? She can look after the baby herself until school age. Wouldn't it be better to support her in going back to education herself? If she has interests that she could learn more about then it would help her and also give some purpose to her life other than men.

I actually feel sorry for her. She needs support, not conditional support either. No point blaming her or going on at her now as what's done is done and you all need to concentrate on the future.

She does not need us to baby sit her child.

We both work full time anyway and her father often has to work away.

She lives with her mum
so she does not need a babysitter. If on the rare occasion her mum cannot babysit then she takes the baby to his dad's , this was one of the issues as when it suits her she stops the dad from having contact, phoning the police about him . Phoning her dad and getting him into trouble with his boss, saying bad things about the baby's dad to my dp which of course causes bad feeling. Then dumping the baby at this so called terrible persons inorder to go and stay with her latest boyfriend.

Now either the baby's dad is not fit ( can't think of another word) to look after the baby or he is. You cannot play these nasty games with people.

She got my dp to the state of hatred towards the baby's dad by her words(lies?).

Her response is always that we are stupid for listening/acting on her words!

She doesn't even want us to have the baby alone, I have offered but she wants to come too. That's fine. We always ask her what she wants to do. Dp always picks her up and drops her off we always buy her meals/ coffees ect.

She is a nice person deep down and in many ways a good mother.

She has had free college classes with free childcare she even gets paid for attending.

She is unsure whether to continue. She has no qualifications at all. I am sympathetic to all of this and hope she does continue and gets some GCSE but she is a long way off of achieving that.

My dp has taken her to our friends who has said she will try and get her a fast path into a career she quite fancies but all of this goes straight up the window the minute she gets pregnant.

She stopped attending a previous course when she became pregnant the first time and never went back to it.

No other siblings live with her, she was given the biggest room when she became pregnant and her sister moved in with us for a while as she was informed that the 3rd bedroom ( hers) would now be the baby's nursery.

This was not right in my opinion but she was able to and welcome to stay with us.

She is very friendly with my dd who is the same age as her .

Her mum and dad were divorced for years before we met.

Oh and if ever I don't go with dp, she always always asks why I'm not there.

I'm more than happy for dp to spend time with his dd alone.

I have children and know how much they crave their fathers attention.

My dp is a millions times a better father than my ex is .