To be annoyed with step daughter-2nd pregnancy.

[simplesusan]

Hi there.

I am prepared to be flamed for this and know there are bigger problems in the world but I need to get it off my chest.

DSd is 18. She has a baby under 1 year old, it was a mistake she claims. She told her dad that the pill she was taking failed and that her partner used a condom and that ripped too.

She is no longer with the baby s dad and has a very volatile relationship with him played out for all to see on social media.
She was 16 when she got pregnant and had not been with her boyfriend long.

Neither of them work.

She is always asking her dad for money to buy things and will not consider or entertain the possibility of buying used things for herself or the baby. Everything has to be expensive and new.

She owes her dad money and promised when he lent it to her that she would pay it back at x amount per week. She now says she cannot afford it and quote ' has had to go into her overdraft to buy cigarettes.'

Well now to the problem. Within the space of 4 months she split with the baby's dad( not the first time they have split),met a boy who she claimed on social media was the 'love of her life'. Ended the relationship with this boy and got back with the baby's father. Got engaged to the baby's father, her father and I found out through social media. Booked a wedding, telling us to save the date. Split with him, met someone else and got pregnant to him within a matter of weeks rather than months.

Again she has told the entire world all about it.
She has now lost the baby and is 'devastated' although she told her father it was another mistake as the pill had, yet again failed.

She will no doubt get pregnant again , I'm certain of that.

On the day that she told her father she was pregnant again, she asked us to collect her from the latest boyfriends and take her to boyfriend number one to collect her baby.

Here is the thing.

The last thing we knew she was involving the courts to try and stop boyfriend number one from having access to the baby yet now he is a convenient babysitter, she dumps the baby there overnight do that she can spend time with her latest boyfriend.
The reason I am angry with her Is that she called her dad in tears screaming and crying thst boyfriend one would not let her in the house to gave be baby back saying she was an unfit mother and he wanted to look after the child.

Her dad had to leave work early to go and help her and got a serious rollicking from his boss over it.

Now she dumps the child with the so called unfit first boyfriend to basically spend the night with botpyfriend number 3!

Sorry thst this is long.

I have told dp to have a serious word with her.

How on earth can she bring another child into this situation .

She hardly knows the latest boyfriend whom I should add already has a child and is quite a bit older than her.

She refuses to let us meet him claiming that we won't like him.

How will she support another child?

She has asked us to contribute to an expensive item for her baby's first birthday and I have said no.

I worked 6 days a week when my dd was born and her father worked full time too and we made do with 2nD hand items

Her dad has admitted to me that he daren't say anything to upset her.
Ever time he voices his opinion she stops all contact and that includes with our grandson and my dp adores
Him

I don't know what I'm asking and wonder if I'm just an old fashioned fuddy duddy, but it all seems so wrong to me.

I haven't asked my friends as quite frankly we are both embarrassed by her behaviour.

Couldnt read anymore after:

She has now lost the baby and is 'devastated'

Couldnt read anymore after that comment. What a horrible thing to say.

Can you have a chat with her about contraception? Suggest implant so she can't forget to take her pill? Remind her how young she is and how stressful two babies would be at her age.

The priority for me would be to keep her from conceiving again.

Get your DP to offer her money to get a contraceptive implant.seriously she sounds so immature and vulnerable. She isn't parenting the child she has. She will grow up eventually but for everyone's sake she needs to avoid pregnancy for a long time,

i think someone needs to suggest alternative contraception as the pill obviously isn't a good option for her. the copper coil is good as non-hormonal and long-lasting.

I would offer to babysit once a week. That's reasonable I think.

Do not give her any money. She needs to learn how to budget and she never will if people keep bailing her out. Insist she sits down with you so you can help her work out how to manage her finances better.

Yes that is one of the things I mention when I said he must have a serious word with her.

Twice now she has blamed her pregnancies on the failure of the pill.

Dp has tried to speak to her about better contraception but it falls on deaf ears.

This is one of the reasons i believe she will get pregnant again.
That and the fact she told me a while back that she would be having another baby very soon .

It sounds like a very chaotic lifestyle & no good for a baby being used as a pawn & dumped left, right & centre. Sounds like she needs some intervention now before it escalates & becomes a child protection issue.

She sounds hideous.

You sound lovely as does your DP.,

There are no easy answers here. I think I would continue as you are and try and support your DGS. I certainly wouldn't give her any more money but would contribute items for him- clothing, nappies whatever.

And I'm sorry but no contraception on the planet will work (other than sterilisation/abstinence) if she WANTS to get pregnant. She will have a long acting method removed or go too long between injections etc.

Thank you for all your posts.

We of course have all the usual problems to deal with as I have 3 teenagers and dp has other children one of whom is going through a divorce and we are maintaining relations with our dil in this upsetting situation.

Nobody wants their child to go through this.

I am concerned that we do not know her new boyfriend and he has access to our dgs or am I overthinking things here?
Once again thank you for your posts.

I'm wondering what the background is to this situation and how she ended up in such a mess. You don't sound like you like her very much. Some of the things you've said about her are downright nasty. I wonder if she feels the only way she can get her Dad's attention is to act up? You seem to think everybody else should be prioritised before her. I reckon she's probably picked up on this. You have no right to dictate to your DP what he gets his grandchild for Christmas or to be so unpleasant about her miscarriage. I suspect she probably behaves this way because she's come from a pretty toxic background herself.

No matter how feckless her lifestyle, she has just lost a wanted baby.

"Devastated"???

Shove your inverted commas up your arse.

What a nasty thing to say.

She sounds a bloody nightmare, and hands up I'll admit that objectively I can see that this pregnancy being lost is not a bad thing from every perspective.

But for her, a baby has died. Of course she's devastated!

Have you shown any sympathy at all?

Lazy I can see how you might think that but you are wrong I do like her but I do not condone her behaviour.

You cannot seriously think that it is ok to get pregnant at 16 be a single, unemployed mother, then get pregnant to another man within a matter of weeks of meeting him. Still no means of supporting your children and believe it is ok to expect the state to keep you.

Like I posted she was saying how much boyfriend number 2 was the love of her life merely a couple of months ago.
Then boyfriend number 1 asks her to marry him and she books the wedding, she had chosen the venue, date, bridesmaids etc.
now she is pregnant to another man.
Would you be happy if this was your daughter?

None of dps other dcs are like this they are all different I suppose.

She does get lots of attention , far far more than my dcs do from their father. Or lots of other children I know with divorced parents.

Maybe she is desperate for attention I really don't know.

She has a mum , dad step mum ,baby , siblings nice ex In laws and an ex partner who loves his child so I really dont know what the answer is.

Poor kid, she's been failed. Her mother sounds like a drip. Time for your DP to get tough for once. It's not too late to make it right - she's still very young. She could get a part time job for a start. No reason why she shouldn't work unless there genuinely are childcare problems.

Not a lot you can do though, OP. It's up to her parents to try to put this right.

Your attitude towards this woman is lacking in empathy and bound to create further problems.

She is a young mother trying to find her feet, she is not making the greatest decisions in life but those are her lessons to learn.

She sounds insecure and ill equipped. Judging won't help, boundaries and consistency might and when I say boundaries I mean decide how much of your life as a family can be affected and stick to it. So no leaving work unless you can arrange cover, no lending money because you don't have it etc.

For your own sake have a look at the SANDS website and educate yourself on how to support a bereaved family member following the loss of a child. Your attitude shows ignorance and will not be easily forgotten, you need to think carefully about how it shows (and it will).

Stop viewing her as an out of control child and start treating her as a woman who has suffered a desperate loss and is struggling with parenthood, a family member who needs time to work through some very serious life events and get used to seismic change. You cannot control other people, only your own response and actions.

I feel sorry for your step daughter
You sound like you really dislike her they way you said she Is devastated.....

She's from a broken home herself
Sounds like her mother n father are drips

A product of her toxic environment

My guess is she desperate for someone to love her, that's why she wanted a baby so young

Ah. And there you reveal the crux. Your children don't get enough attention off their father so you resent that she does even though you perceive her as less deserving.

Lazy what are you talking about?
Read the thread.
It was me who encouraged dp to start talking to her again after she stopped contact.

Where have o said she is less deserving?
Less deserving of what exactly?

i've read every post. The entire thread is about your resentment of the attention and help DP gives her. You're furiously back peddling now, but you said some really unpleasant stuff about her. And that stuff about her getting more attention off her father than your children do off theirs? That's not her fault. Her father doesn't have to start pretending to be useless so he's as crap as your own children's father.

Why have you been so heartless about her miscarrige? If thats your attitude about her losing a baby i dread to think how you act/speak around het. You sound very unpleasant.

Sorry but this is a horrible thread. She doesn't sound "hideous" she sounds like a young woman who is spiralling and caught up in a cycle she doesn't really understand herself.

It's not about what's "okay", she does not need to be punished and chastised, firstly that's not your place, secondly it won't help anyway. She needs support - which as MrsDV rightly says does not mean giving in to her every demand for new stuff and money and lifts but it does mean not judging her actions (because it's not actually relevant how morally pure they are) and it does mean that she needs her Dad. Perhaps she needs him more than the other DC do at the moment.

If the first boyfriend is actually dangerous then that should be a worry. Is he? You said their relationship was volatile and that he locked her out of the house and called her an unfit mother. (Though that could be a rational, if immature, way of dealing with her behaviour if it was in fact extreme.)

As far as I know courts do not get involved unless there is violence between a couple. Or did it not get as far as court?

I don't think an unknown new bf is necessarily a threat, I'd be more worried about one who is known to be violent, if that is the case.

I am just that anybody's reaction to this entire situation would be "How annoying and embarrassing". Surely your reaction ought to be "I'm worried sick about my stepdaughter, she keeps going through these terrible relationships and she's been pregnant twice since she was 16, she doesn't have a good grasp of money, what can we do to help? I'm worried about her and our grandson."

Have a read up of abusive/emotionally unhealthy relationships and perhaps you will understand why the offer of marriage from her first bf was so compelling to her.

Yes she does get lots of attention her parents both love her and I'm proud to be with someone who loves all their children as my dp does .
Maybe that's the problem and her parents aren't / weren't harsh enough with her.
Maybe dp should stop doing things for her and just leave her to find out the hard way.

I don't resent her at all why should I.
We get on well.

I put devastated in inverted commas because that was what she wrote along with saying how unfair life is, why are other women able to have children. Telling people to stop talking about their kids as she is pissed off with it all. Asking how come every other fucker can get pregnant and why don't they miscarry. Saying she will never ever get over this death that it is worse than the recent passing of a family member.
Calling her ex a cunt. Calling those who didn't congratulate her on her engagement spiteful fuckers.

Telling those who say well you are lucky to have a healthy baby to fuck themselves and die.

Etc etc she lives her entire life out on Facebook in a way I find distasteful . Hence the inverted commas.
Many teenagers do but not all put the most intimate details of their lives on their for everyone to read about .
I've never read anyone post as much personal detail on their with hundreds of daily photos showing every single aspect of their child's life.
Her dad had to ask her to remove some of the photos of the baby , which she did.

As I said I am not her friend on fb ( my choice) neither are several other famy members due to the incessant talk of every single aspect of daily life. My dd gets to see it all and often asks why is she writing this stuff mum.

And it is my business what is spent from our household income.

That is how myself and dp operate.

You need to start concentrating on the actual problems instead of th things you fond distasteful. So the child goes to the ex. Even though she says he's a bad dad? He may have done all sorts that hasn't been told to you. But do you know how hard it is to get the courts to stop contact. Fucking near on impossible.
You talk about pregnant at 16 and on benefits like its a huge embarrassment. Its not. With support she can gradually grow up.
Its fucking hard being a teen mother and knowing members of your family find you an embarrassment.
And your inverted commas around how devastated she was? Horrible. I've had miscarriages, in pregnancys that I really really didn't want. Still the sadness I experienced tore me apart.
You need to stop judging and blaming everyone but your dh for how this girl is.

Maybe you should ask your DD to unfriend her if you are worried about her corrupting her.