To not provide holiday clothes

[Littlemisstuffit]

and slightly churlish?.....

Ex pays the minimum maintenance possible. Often "forgets" and I have to to text him to ask for it. Refused to offer any money for DDs residential or equipment as "that's what maintenance is for". I asked for some help with uniforms and he said he can't do anything now, possibly end of Sept

He has just returned from a two week holiday to Aruba and is taking DC away for 5 days next week.

He's just text to ask if I can pack kids summer clothes to take.

AIBU to tell him to bugger off and buy some himself? The kids won't suffer if I don't pack for them, he will buy them if he has to.

Even the OP said, I agree it seems like silly game playing but it's the principal

Why, oh why, would a DM use her DCs to establish a principle?

LittleMiss clearly supports this 5-day holiday for DCs and their DF. The issue is only about packing some summer clothes (already owned by the DCs) or making the Ex buy more. The Op even says, "They already have summer clothes here and a small amount at ex's."

What does it achieve in the long run?

• The OP scores a point in the battle
• The DCs think their own clothes are the possessions of DM
• The DCs learn that their DF spends more on himself than them

Whilst I don't think that the OP is being entirely unreasonable, I do think that she is being churlish at the expense of her DCs.

Surely, packing for the holiday is a fun activity that the OP can enjoy. Put the case out and ask the DCs to 'think about what they need for their holiday with DF'.

• Praise when they remember their tooth-brush
• Tickle when they forget their socks
• Try on swimwear to make sure it isn't outgrown - if so, send text to Ex to say new swimmers/armbands are needed
• Check dates on sun-cream (allow DCs to throw in bin if out of date - usually 12-24 months under the CE logo) - allow DCs to send text to say "we have hats but no suncream. We need SF 50"

I am not sure of the ages of DC - but if this is a first 5-]day holiday, remember to pack favourite cuddle toys and add a rbbon with your favourite perfume on it.

HTH, SW

I agree completely. But I also think that the OP is right to think it. It is the principal. But as is the case with most of these situations that I've come across I imagine that she will pack the kids summer clothes because in general mothers do do what is right and in the best interest of the dc. That doesn't mean that in this situation it isn't frustrating and she isn't entitled to a bit of a moan about it. If OP was taking the kids on holiday and text the dad saying back a bag for the me take the kids on holiday I doubt she would get a great response.

My point is that sometimes this board is a good place to just moan about these slight injustices and find some understanding rather than just swallow it all up or say it out loud.

ilovelamp82 I agree. I have said that I totally understand the OP's feelings but she did ask "or am I being churlish".

So far I haven't given my personal experience because it didn't enhance the debate, but in light of your recent comment I imagine that she will pack the kids summer clothes because in general mothers do what is right and in the best interest of the dc now I will.

My DH left his 1st wife because of her infidelity with NDN and others. He forgave twice but couldn't manage the 3rd time. As she was the SAHM she got custody (as it was called in those days). My DH got access every Sunday afternoon but even that was sometimes eroded on the door-step when he went to collect. My DH paid more than the basic maintenance, bought the school shoes each term for 3 DCs and paid 50% of school outings.

We were asked to have DSD for a weekend. Nothing could have made my DH happier. But when DSD arrived in our home (DH had collected her from 50 miles away) she burst into tears. She eventually told DH that she had nothing to wear other than the school uniform she was wearing: her DM had said "Let your Dad buy you some new clothes".

We genuinely didn't have a spare penny, but I had fabric .... so I sat up all night making skirts, shorts and little tops on my sewing machine. (I remember that she really loved a little denim ra-ra skirt that I made for her that night.)

DC3 spent more and more time with us during holidays whilst the DM 'studied'. DSD had her own bedroom and her own clothes in her wardrobe because her DM would NOT allow her 'home' clothes to be sent with her.

But then the DM instructed my DSD to 'pack up as many clothes as you can and bring them back'. That was a tearful exit because DSD knew she was being 'sneaky' and was trying to hide the extra carrier bags (she was 12 yrs old and trying to please a DM without upsetting a DF). I said that she hadn't got to sneak clothes out - they were hers. Together we emptied all her drawers and wardrobe and sent them with love.

My DH took on an extra private tuition per week to raise the money to replace her clothes at our home.

I know that you said "because in general mothers do what is right" - but I still suggest that the OP puts her DCs at the centre of her decision rather than churlishness, principles or warring. I had to put a child who wasn't even mine at the centre of my decision-making. Surely a Mum can do the same.

That is why I put in general because sadly you do hear of cases like yours. I think really we're probably singing from the same hymn sheet to be honest because I agree with you but just wanted the OP to know I understand and give her some support because sometimes things just aren't fair and it's good to have somewhere to voice it without actually saying it in RL.

You sound lovely by the way and your SD is lucky to have you. It's all to common hearing of fathers not stepping up to the plate but somehow it feels worse when you hear about a mother not doing the same. Wrong though that is

Thank you for your kind comment ilovelamp82. I always strived to do my best for DSD and my DH.

OP can whinge all she wants on this thread and I will support her. I just wanted her to see pettiness and churlishness doesn't help the DCs.

Sssshhhhh ....... I actually don't think that the OP intended to send the DCs on holiday without their summer clothes. It was just the sheer arrogance of the Ex which made her feel a bit sensitive so she came here to vent.

would depend on how many clothes the dc have. I find that it is not possible to pack a week's worth of clothes and have enough decent clothes for home. we just do not have that many sets of clothing. also they would come home with dirty clothes and have nothing left to wear when back until I had washed and dried. (up to three days if the weather is damp)

when I go on holiday I wash the clothes while we are away.

As a side note to the kids owning their clothes thread...
My friend is classed as NRP even though he has his kids at least 50% of the time.
Due to the way things work, the kids always seem to end up with uniform at dads and regular clothes at mums!
Op, your x obviously has other priorities than his dcs. Maybe, if you send them with minimal kit, he will buy new, but in the next size up? So they have kit for next summer?