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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not provide holiday clothes

57 replies

Littlemisstuffit · 09/08/2015 14:54

and slightly churlish?.....

Ex pays the minimum maintenance possible. Often "forgets" and I have to to text him to ask for it. Refused to offer any money for DDs residential or equipment as "that's what maintenance is for". I asked for some help with uniforms and he said he can't do anything now, possibly end of Sept

He has just returned from a two week holiday to Aruba and is taking DC away for 5 days next week.

He's just text to ask if I can pack kids summer clothes to take.

AIBU to tell him to bugger off and buy some himself? The kids won't suffer if I don't pack for them, he will buy them if he has to.

OP posts:

Lopsidale · 09/08/2015 16:47

Hold on. How can he afford all these holidays but not their uniform or expenses

SurlyCue · 09/08/2015 16:48

Yep! End of september text is perfect response.

I have a friend whose EX pays no maintenance And hasnt for 3 years. He planned a holiday for their DC early this year. Then the weekend before it was due to happen texted her going mad that friend hadnt sorted passports for the DC! Now my friend was battered by this man for years and is terrified of him so of course she went into a flap and panic trying to get passports sorted. In the end she phoned the airline and they said the DC wouldnt need them for where they were going to. So all fine. He only went and booked another holiday for this summer. Same shit. Just before holiday another bastard text telling her to sort passports so off she went to the PP office and paid for a same day passport at some extortionate rate. I know what i'd have told the fucker.

SurlyCue · 09/08/2015 16:50

The DM hadn't returned home so the DCs had no clothes packed for them at all. The holiday start-time was delayed whilst the DH took DCs to shops to buy clothes - out of the holiday 'treat fund'.

Erm why on earth would the mother be buying and packing cases for their other parent's holiday? Thats his job. Was he another that just wanted all the fun parts and the glory?

BoboBunnyH0p · 09/08/2015 16:50

What type of holiday is he taking them on? I certainly wouldn't be buying them anything new (you have uniform to pay for). I would for my kids own comfort provide some basic such as pjs and under wear and maybe swim wear. But surely he would already have some day to day clothes for when they visit him for use during normal access. That is unless you provide clothes for those visits.

rookiemere · 09/08/2015 17:00

If you have suitable clothes then I would pack them, provided he doesn't have a habit of not returning stuff.
However if there is gaps i.e. swimming costumes, shorts etc if it's somewhere warm, then I certainly wouldn't be buying anything new.

sadwidow28 · 09/08/2015 17:08

SurlyCue - I have tried to find the thread so you can read yourself. You are making a massive assumption. (It appears that all DFs get slated on MN).

The DM wanted to do the packing so asked the DF/DSMum to send any suitable clothes from their house to her house when the DF took DCs back after the Tuesday visit. Whilst the DF/DSMum were reluctant to do so as they expected to pack for the week, they thought it would 'keep the peace' so complied.

The DM was unexpectedly invited out on Friday evening so texted the DF to collect DCs early - that evening, not Sat morning. But the DF had friends round and had had a drink so couldn't drive to collect. The DCs were sent to a relative for an over-night instead.

The DF turned up at the home to collect DCs at the agreed time on Saturday. Nobody in. Checked with the relative and DCs were still there. The DM had let the relative know that she had stayed out over-night and wouldn't be back in time.

Given that the DF had handed over all 'suitable clothes' from his house earlier in the week, the only solution was for the DF to delay the holiday start time and take DCs out to buy new clothes out of the holiday money.

I just feel sorry for the DCs who get caught up in the tit-for-tat games that are sometimes played out between Exes.

HuftysTrain · 09/08/2015 17:08

Isn't it summer where you are? Surely they are wearing summer clothes already? Send what they have.

SurlyCue · 09/08/2015 17:18

1. The DM wanted to do the packing so asked the DF/DSMum to send any suitable clothes from their house to her house when the DF took DCs back after the Tuesday visit. Whilst the DF/DSMum were reluctant to do so as they expected to pack for the week, they thought it would 'keep the peace' so complied.

This^^ is what is known as context and shows that your initial comment is in no way the same as the OP's predicament so i'm not really sure why you posted it as if it were? My response to your initial comment was as if if it was the same as OP's scenario- because you made no indication that it wasnt despite you knowing this. So forgive me for assuming what you indicated.

Inertia · 09/08/2015 17:19

His responsibility. You can't afford to buy summer clothes, you've had all the school uniform to pay for.

Sounds like it's time to formalise maintenance payments too.

Itsmine · 09/08/2015 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sadwidow28 · 09/08/2015 17:40

SurlyCue I was actually making the point that by forcing the Ex to buy new clothes would mean that the money comes out of the children's holiday treats. In other words, it is the DCs who suffer. The money either goes on clothes for them OR days out during the holiday - but it can't be spent on both.

I simply gave an example of another family who had to buy clothes and that the outcome was fewer 'holiday treats' for the children. It was something for the OP to think about. I didn't think I had to give the entire context of WHY this family had to buy the clothes - just that there is a knock-on effect for the DCs.

I'd rather put the children at the centre of the decision. If packing clothes they already have means that they get more fun days out then that would be my choice.

kslatts · 09/08/2015 17:45

If they already have suitable clothes for the holiday then surely it makes sense for them to take those rather than anyone buying new clothes.

If new clothes are needed then he should buy them.

SurlyCue · 09/08/2015 17:51

by forcing the Ex to buy new clothes would mean that the money comes out of the children's holiday treats.

You assume this guy is just back from a fortnight in Aruba. He's a dick if he is using his children's treat money to clothe them because i bet my life he has enough spare to do it without touching their treat money.

pookamoo · 09/08/2015 18:04

I'm sure I have read and heard from friends in a similar situation that having separate clothes at each house, and not having to pack a bag every time they go for contact, helps children to understand about having two homes, rather than neither being a settled environment.

So I don't think it's games, I think it's logical, as I can totally understand why this would be the case!

The EXDP has asked OP to pack, not necessarily buy. They should have clothes at his house, that he can pack, surely?

WitchofScots · 09/08/2015 18:06

If they already have summer clothes then it'd be churlish not to pack them and perhaps upsetting for the children. Pack them and be the adult that your ex doesn't seem to be, the higher moral ground is always better IMO.

Original poster

Littlemisstuffit · 09/08/2015 19:17

They already have summer clothes here and a small amount at ex's.

I agree it seems like silly game playing but it's the principal. No money for "extras" on top of maintenance, but plenty of money for the gym/holidays/clothes for himself. Hold out long enoingh and he knows I'll give in.

The sept text suggestion is brilliant!

OP posts:

2rebecca · 10/08/2015 07:30

It sounds a bit silly and unfair on the kids to me. We have always agreed that the children's clothes and toys are theirs to take where they wanted. If extra clothes were needed plus sun cream etc the holiday parent would provide but otherwise the parent with the kids packs or lets the other parent in to the house to pack usually the latter but we get on

hampsterdam · 10/08/2015 09:30

My ds went on holiday with his dad I sent him with everything he would need. He already has summer clothes because it's summer and he needed summer clothes so I got them. Ex doesn't pay maintenance and doesn't have clothes at his house ds o ly stays there one night eow. I do what's best for my ds always and even if his father doesn't. Why because his dad is shit would I become shit aswel? I want to be able to say to my son when he's grown 'I did my very best for you and I always did what I thought was right'. I think you should send the clothes.

Lookingforwardtoholiday · 10/08/2015 09:42

Just send the clothes he has got,

Thegreatunslept · 10/08/2015 09:53

My dh and I are taking our dsd and ds in holiday next week. We have bought enough to clothes for dsd and new trainers. All clothes will be sent home with dsd when we return so she can use them again if possible. Dsd's mum asked us when we booked the holiday about clothes but we told her as we were taking dsd away we would provide the clothes. Dsd's mum has sent a few things over the last few months that she has picked up for dsd for the holiday.
We would never have expected dsd's mum to provide a holiday wardrobe when we are the ones taking her away.

happymummyone · 10/08/2015 11:29

My ex DP pays very generous maintenance but still manages to buy clothes for her to stay at his house. I haven't had to pack clothes for her for years. She has a bedroom filled with toys and clothes there. The few times he's taken her on a holiday, he's never asked me to pack anything. And I never have to chase his maintenance either.

WitchofScots · 10/08/2015 12:27

The thing is, what does it tell the children if they aren't allowed to take their favourite clothes with them? They own their own clothes and they can choose what they wear on holiday. At least by sending them with their own clothes they have familiar clothes that they like and the RP knows they have appropriate clothes for the holiday?

Collaborate · 10/08/2015 13:18

OP - the arrangements for children should be kept separate to money issues. If he's paying what you call the bare minimum, and what others may call what the CSA assess him as being liable to pay, he's right to say that the maintenance is intended to cover his financial responsibility towards the children.

If you start on a tit for tat response by not packing clothes your children will be the ones to suffer. They will be placed bang in the middle of a dispute not of their making.

You'd expect him to start returning the children in the clothes they were wearing when they came to him. Nothing makes children more painfully aware that they are the cause of a dispute than something like this.

Of course you shouldn't expect to have to go out and but something special for the holiday. He should do that. But if it's in their wardrobe anyway you should send them with the clothes they'd need. If there's enough time at the end of the holiday you can ask him to wash and dry all the clothes too.

Out of interest, what happens with their other stuff (toys, games,books devices etc)? Are they allowed to take them when they see him, or must he provide all of that as well?

Mutt · 10/08/2015 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovelamp82 · 10/08/2015 14:38

We don't really know the context of their relationship. I have at no point got the impression that the OP won't "allow" the kids to take their clothes if they wanted to. I'm sure she would.

I understood her OP to be irritation at the hypocrisy. Every seperated parents situation is different. She could have been in a controlling relationship and is frustrated that he still has the ability to control her in small ways. The truth is he can afford to take the kids on holiday after he's just come back from a holiday himself whilst the OP has been in the position to have to ask her ex for help to afford school uniforms and been rejected. I think she has every right to feel a bit miffed about this. It's hard to be the one raising the kids while the non resident parent can afford to do all the fun stuff.

I also think that the OP just wanted to come on this board to sound off her frustating situation if only to just hear some people say that they understand why she would be annoyed. I don't think she, as some people have said, is petty.

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