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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a special outing for just DS and I?

58 replies

milkmilklemonade12 · 08/08/2015 21:07

We have 1 DC, who is DS aged 4. I really want to take him to the children's afternoon tea at Claridges (we live in London) and have it as 'our' special thing that only we do. I hoped we could do it throughout his childhood as 'our' thing and hopefully he'll join me when he's older too, as my companion. It's something I've always wanted to do before children. He's fab conversation for such a little thing, and we have a really fine time in general when we're out and about.

However, I wonder how DH might feel and whether it looks like I'm intentionally leaving him out and being mean. He's quite an inclusive person, and always books me tickets when we go to Chelsea, even though I really don't want to go.

AIBU? Am I being a bit childish and just include DH as well and forget the 'just milk and minimilk tea club'?

OP posts:

LokiBear · 09/08/2015 07:49

I do lots with dd alone, we do lots as a family. It depends on whether afternoon tea is something that your dh would really like to do together. I'd sound him out first. There are lots of special things you can do just the two of you.

wigglesrock · 09/08/2015 08:17

I do separate stuff with each of my daughters, so does my husband. I think you're overthinking it slightly. My husband takes dd2 to the cinema on a regular basis without me or the other two. They both love it, they're not even that fussed what they see - they've been going since she was about 2.5, she's 7 now.

GoblinLittleOwl · 09/08/2015 08:55

You want to set up a ' special thing that only we do. I hoped we could do it throughout his childhood as 'our' thing and hopefully he'll join me when he's older too, as my companion'.
Um, this sounds really rather precious, like something from a 1930s novel.
Deliberately excluding your husband and creating a mummy/ son outing to train your son as your companion for later life hints at dissatisfaction with your husband. Is he not suitable to accompany you to Claridges?

spad · 09/08/2015 09:00

If I was your DH I would be hurt too.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 09/08/2015 09:11

There is nothing wrong in enjoying your childrens company.

hunibuni · 09/08/2015 09:15

DH has regular hot chocolate and bun days with DD and they often disappear for the day on his bike. DS and I take advantage of their absence to watch the programmes that we like and eat stuff that they don't like. I think it's nice to have some time alone with the kids. DS will talk about things rather than the customary grunts and DD gets to spend time with DH doing what they enjoy. Win win

LittleLionMansMummy · 09/08/2015 09:17

Ds is same age and we have a regular dinner date every Wednesday/ Thursday. More because I collect him from his cm earlier on those days and want to make the most of my time with him as dh is still at work. I take him to a cafe or McDonald's or Frankie and Bennys or wherever. It's lovely as I work almost full time hours. I think it's fine to have these mother/ son and equally father/ son times (dh and ds have 'boys time' when I go out somewhere too).

SquareStarfish · 09/08/2015 09:27

Me me me me me.

No I don't want to go with you it just sounds so awful when people say 'and I' when it's meant to be me!

If you want to do the tea thing and DH buys you tickets to Chelsea (I'm assuming football) when you don't want to go maybe suggest he takes him to that alone. Then you both have your own thing if it makes you feel less mean. I think the whole thing is odd though.

Morganly · 09/08/2015 09:37

Agree with everyone saying it's a lovely idea so long as your H isn't hurt about it. Just be prepared that your DS may not enjoy it when he is a teenager or even be willing to be seen in public with you

HagOtheNorth · 09/08/2015 10:17

I did this with both of my children, OH did it too. We did things as a family and as a couple. Talked about it like adults rather than petulant, controlling 'Don't you want meeee' arseholes though.
It has all worked out beautifully as we have very different interests and you get to be with someone who actually wants to be there with you.
Now the whole family is adult, it still happens. DS and I are off next week to do stuff that OG and DD would have to be forced to endure.

Mcnorton · 09/08/2015 10:27

Wow, I'm surprised at anyone who thinks this is weird and reflects badly on OPs relationship with her husband. We have one son. Husband does things with him (swimming, I'm not keen on it), I do things with him, we al do stuff together. some things he does wit hs grandparents. its healthy to have individual relationships that are different. OP its a great idea.

Icimoi · 09/08/2015 10:31

I don't think it hurts to do things with your son on his own, assuming that this happens at a time when your DH has other things to do and is not just being abandoned. But I do worry a bit that you are investing a lot in this: you need to be prepared for the possibility that he won't enjoy it, and in that event you need to be capable of shrugging your shoulders and moving on, otherwise it could have a really bad effect on your relationship.

Pagwatch · 09/08/2015 10:34

DH used to take DS out to watch Harlequins and go to air shows and stuff. Sometimes I went but often I didn't. I used to take DS out for breakfast or lunch and sometimes museums or art galleries. Sometimes DH would come but often he didn't.
It's the same now Ds is 22. We met up recently at the Tate. He's taking DH to the rugby soon.
We are all going to the cricket in a few weeks.
We do the same with all the DC.
You have individual relationships as well as a collective family relationship.
Why would DH or I be jealous. It's not a competition.

Pagwatch · 09/08/2015 10:37

I am looking forward to the thread in about 20 years though

'BF does this weird teatime ritual thing with his controlling mother. Is this a red flag?

motherinferior · 09/08/2015 10:54

What on earth is odd about doing something nice with your child? I wouldn't even consider I was 'excluding' my partner.

motherinferior · 09/08/2015 10:56

Like Pag says, not a competition.

I like spending time with just one child. I think it's an important part of our relationship.

Mrsjayy · 09/08/2015 10:58

My eldest is 22 we still do stuff together i think a family unit can be crowded sometimes we are not alljoined at the hip

Weta · 09/08/2015 11:34

I can't believe anyone would think this was weird. Of course talk to your DH about it but I think it's really lovely to have individual time with each child, and your DH will probably appreciate some time to himself as well.

One of the best things my mum did with me was to take me out for milkshakes on the beach as a special time for the two of us. I enjoyed it even as a teenager and it set up a time where it was natural just to chat - and I think those times can be hard to find with teenagers.

I have two boys aged 8 and 12, and have always taken turns to give them one-on-one 'treat days' with me - it's not particularly regular, just when we have time,. Each one can choose what they want to do (usually lunch or afternoon tea at our favourite cafe, or going for an ice cream). It would never occur to DH to feel left out or abandoned.

Sometimes I go away with just one or other of them (either because it's something we're interested in doing or I go to stay with a single mum friend who has one child the same age as my youngest). I like to travel more than DH does so it suits all of us - the child going away is excited about the trip, and the one staying behind looks forward to having fun time on his own with DH.

DH has also started going on evening walks on his own with one or other of the boys, kind of instead of a story as they get older and also because I have a foot injury, but it's been a great way to get them to open up more to him.

Go for it :)

iklboo · 09/08/2015 11:39

DS & I do loads of stuff together without DH. And vice versa. Last Friday we went to the library, went for lunch, baked & watched a film.

He does stuff with DH, too - and with grandparents. We also do lots of stuff together as a family.

There's nothing wrong at all in spending time just with one parent or another.

DontCallMeBaby · 09/08/2015 11:46

Nothing wrong with this. There are a few people talking about having one-on-one time with their kids when they have more than one, which is great, but it's equally important with an only. There's a different dynamic when it's just DD and me to when it's the three of us (and no doubt on the rarer occasions when it's just DD and DH, but I don't know, I'm not there ). With the three of us it can turn into two adults and a child in tow, or two adults dancing attendance on a child - one adult and a child is more egalitarian, and different things happen.

Hellionandfriends · 09/08/2015 11:48

Neither of my parents have me individual time like this. It would have really helped our relationship

post · 09/08/2015 11:52

I think a 1-1 dynamic is really different, and for me it's important to have some time, even if it's rare, with all the significant oeople in my life on that basis.
Dh and I both make time to do 1-1 stuff with each dc every now and again, as well as with each other. As I do with each of my sisters, or my parents. For me, that's an important thing, kind of an investment in the relationship. Some people don't really do that 1-1 thing and it won't make much sense to them, but now my eldest is an adult I'm really glad we're in the habit of occasionally doing stuff together and it's not weird or a big deal.
I suppose it might go hand in hand with being aware of (and OK with) that they might not want to at any time too, just appreciating it rather than needing it iyswim?

Lightbulbon · 09/08/2015 11:55

I think it's good for each parent to have their own little rituals with each DC.

I was an only DC and it was nice to have one on one time with each parent rather than always being outnumbered and feeling like a 3rd wheel.

Original poster

milkmilklemonade12 · 09/08/2015 15:59

Yes it's the 1-1 dynamic which is nice and that I miss with him sometimes.

I'd like to create a space and time just for us, and hopefully keep it going when he's older so there's a chance to catch up and talk.

See, there's a few people who have intoned it might be weird for him to still be joining me out as an adult. You wouldn't say that with a dd; but people have this odd fear of a mother and son spending time together as he grows up. Because... It implies some kind of odd behaviour? I think it would be more a sign of a young man who respects the women in his life.

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 09/08/2015 16:33

I agree with you I think if it was a girl you had not 1 person would have batted an eye if you start at 4. It might waver a bit when he is older but imo the foundation is there and if he isn't fussed at tea just. Find something else

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