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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that Saturday afternoon is not the same as Tuesday evening?

36 replies

AnnikaHansen · 08/08/2015 09:24

DH is in two bands. At the moment, he rehearses Monday evening (7pm-10.30) and Tuesday evening (6.30-11pm), and he usually gigs on Sundays most weeks during the summer, when he is gone from 10am-7pm.

I am a SAHM/carer, we have 3DC, the oldest two have SN and the youngest is 9m, so it's absolutely exhausting.

This morning, DH tells me that the drummer wants to move the Tues evening rehearsal to Saturday afternoon, starting at 2pm, but no set finishing time that DH knows. DH has apparently agreed to this without consulting me. He doesn't see the difference because at least he will be home Tuesday evenings now.

But as far as I'm concerned, this now means DH will be gone most of the weekend. We will never be able to plan anything to do as a family at the weekend and it's tough enough already to plan anything working around his gig schedule. When I said this to DH he responded by saying he would just have to sell all his equipment and quit the band then. And then hasn't spoken to me since, and left the house without saying goodbye.

I am not BU am I? I know he has worked really hard on his music, and I have wholeheartedly supported him, but I need another adult in the house sometimes. I've been struggling with PND and all the stress and worry about our SN kids. I just feel like we never do anything as a family.

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 08/08/2015 09:25

No yanbu. It
Sounds like his family commitments are lower on his list than his commitment to the band

googoodolly · 08/08/2015 09:26

YANBU, I would be very pissed off with this. He needs to realise his family come first, especially when you have a baby and two children with SN. Why does he think it's okay to swan off on his hobby all weekend and leave you at home?

A big chat is needed here.

LindyHemming · 08/08/2015 09:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RepeatAdNauseum · 08/08/2015 09:29

No, Saturday afternoon and Tuesday evening are totally different, and he knows that.

I suppose he's stropping because if everyone else in the band wants the change, he doesn't have many options. He can go along with it, make a case and hope he is vital enough for them not to replace him, or leave the band. It doesn't sound like he wants to leave the band.

I'd pick up the point about not feeling that he really supports you and the struggle with the kids another time, because too many things together will make him just feel attacked.

When you are both calm, can you explain that on Tuesday evenings the children are likely to be tired out and he's been at work so you're used to running the household, but Saturdays are a family day, one of just two where you can both be around and do something together?

Would you like him to leave the band?

grapejuicerocks · 08/08/2015 09:30

There is a world of difference.

The kids are asleep on a tue evening. You probably never have plans on a true evening yourself.

Being at home all weekend on your own, never having family time, never being able to go out.

If he really doesn't see this as a problem and realise why you are upset about it, then you are married to a very selfish man. Is his band mate single?

googoodolly · 08/08/2015 09:30

Like a PP says he probably realises that if he doesn't go to the Saturday rehearsal, he'll be replaced. That probably wouldn't be such a bad thing for your family but it's probably upset him a bit.

RachelRagged · 08/08/2015 09:31

Oh OP YA so NBU , He on the other hand

for You .

cleanindahouse · 08/08/2015 09:34

YANBU at all.

And his behaviour is stroppy and manipulative.

I went out with a stroppy manipulative musician once. Music came before everything.

LindyHemming · 08/08/2015 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dexter73 · 08/08/2015 09:36

It's pretty shitty that he will be spending pretty much the whole weekend with the band. Does this not bother him at all?

LindyHemming · 08/08/2015 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

acquiescence · 08/08/2015 09:39

Yanbu. My dh plays in 3 bands, but in a much less organised way (practices every other week, gigs once a month). When any of his band members have had new babies they have stopped for a month or two. Is your dhs band paid, ie, does it contribute some income to the family? If so then maybe I can see him point a little more. But if not that level of commitment for a hobby is unfair. He could just quit one band and stay in the other if it is a hobby surely when you are at such a busy stage in your family life?

BullshitS70 · 08/08/2015 09:39

selfish arse

Original poster

AnnikaHansen · 08/08/2015 09:41

I don't want him to leave the band. They are such a good band and DH worked really hard to get in. I'm so proud of him, and I know that he is under pressure from everyone.

I'm cross that he didn't even think of me when they were discussing it. That he took it for granted that I would be happy to have the kids alone Saturday afternoon (and probably evening by the way these things go).

I don't get ANY time to pursue my own hobbies. Part of my PND problem is that I feel like my whole life has withered away in the face of the DC's SN. But DH does not cope so well with them. He gets frustrated a lot quicker so I have been doing the lion's share.

OP posts:

foxmitten · 08/08/2015 09:44

My dh (singer) had pretty much this exact same issue, the lead guitarist wanted to change from one day to another, didn't work for us for childcare and family reasons. Difference was, when he said "I'll just have to quit" he meant it, he wasn't just having a childish shit fit. And then the band broke up anyway because the drummer didn't want to be in a band without dh as the vocalist

In your situation I would leave him to his little sulk, when he comes home tell him that if he intends to stay in the band his family commitments need to take more of a priority or...well he won't have that many family commitments anymore.

googoodolly · 08/08/2015 09:45

Sorry, but he's their parent and he needs to learn to cope. He's using that as an excuse to bugger off out and pursue his hobbies and leave you at home. I think your PND would improve massively if you got some help.

It's disgustingly unfair that he gets 3/4 of the weekend to go out and play in his band. How does he justify that in his mind? If this continues, he'll be out for most of the weekend, plus Monday night. So he gets Tues-Fri evening at home, plus Saturday morning. And that's it.

How is that acceptable to him?

Eliza22 · 08/08/2015 09:48

Yanbu. I'd be reading him the Riot Act! His work commitments are not compatible with what's going on at home. I'm not suggesting he should give up his job but some changes/compromises are needed. You've 3 children, 2 with special needs? I have no idea how you do it.

tethersend · 08/08/2015 09:48

Explain that it will be impossible as you have fly fishing/free running/WI meetings on Saturday afternoon.

Then go to the pub.

BertrandRussell · 08/08/2015 09:53

Are they paid for the gigs?

Totality22 · 08/08/2015 09:57

Are you the same poster who posted about going on tour with hubby and band?

5PoundsofLazy · 08/08/2015 09:57

I assume he works during the week. So he won't even get to see much of his kids on Tuesday night.

So when exactly do the kids get to see their daddy? HIBU.

Sometimes men are just a bit crap at making decisions. My DP makes bad decisions. Usually when I point out why a particular decision was a bad one -after he's calmed down he says he hadn't thought about it from my perspective. Yes, sometimes men really are that thick.

Eliza22 · 08/08/2015 10:02

I should add. I was married to a man who worked Monday to Friday but travelled a lot. In HIS spare time, he went to the gym each evening and at the weekends trained for triathalons/ played squash. He left 4 weeks after our son was diagnosed with autism, when he was aged 4. He'd met someone else who "didn't cry all the time". (That was me. We'd moved 150 miles away from any family/friends for his job and I was always on my own). I cared for our son all day and worked two nights as a nurse each week. In the mornings, when I came home, it was chaos. My ex would sleep through ds waking and crying in the night and ds would get into such a state, he'd vomit all over his cot.

The best thing my ex ever did was leave me.

Iggi999 · 08/08/2015 10:10

It's so hard as presumably if made to stay at home on Saturday afternoon he will now just sulk. How do some people be so selfish?

guzzlewump · 08/08/2015 10:17

If you say that he's not very good with the dc, do you think that he's encouraged the choice of Saturday afternoon rather than any other evening, so that he can escape from spending time with them?

If that's the case he might be angry with you and being childish about it because he knows he is in the wrong and that it's going to be really embarrassing to go back to the band and say how about a different weeknight, plus he thought he'd cunningly organised an escape from home life that you'd say 'no problem' to because he'd said that it was somebody else that wanted to change it, so not his fault, he thought he'd be blameless but still get an escape from the difficulties of being at home. (Even if it was the other guy that wanted a Saturday it doesn't sound like he tried very hard to choose another week night, he saw an opportunity and took it). But because you've pointed out the obvious and aren't happy he's seeing everything as being your fault rather than the one who set the whole thing in motion by wanting to change the day of the practice.

notapizzaeater · 08/08/2015 10:22

I'd be angry with him, I know it's his escape, but you need an escape too.

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