To think that Saturday afternoon is not the same as Tuesday evening?

[AnnikaHansen]

DH is in two bands. At the moment, he rehearses Monday evening (7pm-10.30) and Tuesday evening (6.30-11pm), and he usually gigs on Sundays most weeks during the summer, when he is gone from 10am-7pm.

I am a SAHM/carer, we have 3DC, the oldest two have SN and the youngest is 9m, so it's absolutely exhausting.

This morning, DH tells me that the drummer wants to move the Tues evening rehearsal to Saturday afternoon, starting at 2pm, but no set finishing time that DH knows. DH has apparently agreed to this without consulting me. He doesn't see the difference because at least he will be home Tuesday evenings now.

But as far as I'm concerned, this now means DH will be gone most of the weekend. We will never be able to plan anything to do as a family at the weekend and it's tough enough already to plan anything working around his gig schedule. When I said this to DH he responded by saying he would just have to sell all his equipment and quit the band then. And then hasn't spoken to me since, and left the house without saying goodbye.

I am not BU am I? I know he has worked really hard on his music, and I have wholeheartedly supported him, but I need another adult in the house sometimes. I've been struggling with PND and all the stress and worry about our SN kids. I just feel like we never do anything as a family.

Does everyone work Monday - Friday 9-5?
If not then to shift workers there is no such thing as weekends. Just days on and off. Could that be a reason for the day change?
The threatening to quit the band and sell everything is just childish though.

Ignore the childish fit and accept to his gracious offer to quit in the genuine way you assumed it was intended .

"Thank you for being so supportive and choosing to quit the band and protect our weekend family time together. I would never ask you to do that, but it's so reassuring to see you have your priorities straight. How much do you think you'll get for your equipment?"

This is an ocassion where I would show him the thread. He is comparing what is reasonable through the other band members being ok to move it to Saturday.

He's not really thinking whether it's reasonable to miss every weekend with his 3 tricky children and a wife struggling with PND.

I have a dh that works all day every weekend and three afternoons/evenings through the week so we never get family time at weekends, you can imagine how thrilled I was when he announced he wanted to play for a darts team on one of his evenings off every week! I worked out he'd spend 11 hours with is when dd would be awake and out of school! Also the darts starts about two weeks before dc2 arrives!
I think the look on my face said enough that he hasn't mentioned it again other than to say he wouldn't actually be doing it but I still felt bad afterwards!
I hope when he's out he sees sense and comes home grovelling.

Oh dear, this is going to be a hard road.
Of course yanbu...he is, and what's more, he knows it. He knows fine that Saturday afternoon isn't the same as Tuesday frigging evening. The shyster, trying to palm them off as being a trade off.
When he said he'd just have to quit the band then, like the petulant brat he is being, you should have looked him right in the eye and made noises to the affirmative. It's not ok for him to leave you to it all weekend, every weekend. Which is how it would be.

Agree with pictish. The only possible response to his "I'll have to quit the band", is "yes, I'm afraid you will, what a shame".

YANBU.

Yadnbu! He has a family before his fun little hobby. He has a cheek committing to this when he should know weekend is family time. It's most certainly not the same as a Tuesday.

Yunbu
My partner was in a band that was going nowhere but wanted to practice twice a week but the nights varied with the other single child free band members lives not ours & they also wanted to gig weekly & go on national tours. He also worked as a roadie which meant going out to gigs lifting a few heavy things then hitting the rider afterwards. At first he expected everything to be the same when dc came along but after countless arguments and me missing out on loads of great gigs & social events id like to have attended but couldn't as no childcare, he cut back. Then one day he realised he needed to grow up & stopped altogether. I did try to get him to stay in a band that wasn't so serious about rehearsals and gigs but it seems even among 40+ yr old men this is impossible.

Now I don't get this desire for rock star fame. It makes me cringe but most of our friends are part of that scene and still are. He still works as a roadie & has a strop if he can't do one night (the same one night that never changes due to my night class) but I leave him to it, and if he wants it so bad let him arrange childcare

Let him threaten to sell everything and don't say anything to the contrary, just don't engage with that childish emotional blackmail crap that inevitably comes along with it. I went through it all a few years back and started to wonder when I get a life. It might be worth your while finding a Saturday afternoon hobby and telling your DH he has the kids then & give him no options. It's hard when you've devoted your life to your family when one still acts like a bloody student. If the band costs money rather than makes it point out it's a hobby and shouldn't control your family.

There is only so much time in the week. Something has to give and you may need to make sacrifices when you have a young family. Time spent pursuing hobbies or interests is now time used being together as a family. There's time to pick up interests when children are older; you can never get that precious time with your young children back.

Also, you need a break and some support! You're with them all the time which is HARD WORK! I often think going to work is easier than being at home full time - and I'm a primary school teacher! YANBU.

I did try to get him to stay in a band that wasn't so serious about rehearsals and gigs but it seems even among 40+ yr old men this is impossible.

Not impossible at all. My dp is in 2 bands and both practice and gigs fit in around family life, ours and the other members. Anyone who doesn't agree is welcome to leave and set up on their own, but children and responsibilities come first, and the music second.

It's just what grown ups do.

So does the band make money, or does it cost money for him to participate? I think that is a key factor, simply because if he is making money (if for example it's his actual job) then him leaving the band might make you worse off financially. Also, if the band makes good money, then some of it ought to be spent on additional childcare so that you get some free time.

The thing is, music (rather like sex) is much more important to some people than it is to others. A person who is passionately committed to music may well be persuaded to give it up and be 'normal' if s/he is not making very much money out of it, but that person will always be miserable and feel that something is missing.
I'm not arguing that the DH here should just be allowed to do what he wants: he will have to compromise. But OP might want to consider what other sources of help and support are available to her and DC rather than just telling him to give up music and 'grow up' which, to a musician, can sound like a death sentence.