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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Toddler Feeding

55 replies

Chunkymonkey79 · 07/08/2015 08:25

Am I being unreasonable spoon feeding my 19 month old for messy meals?

From 6 months we generally followed the traditional weaning route, but missed purees and instead always gave her what we were eating.

Anything requiring a knife/fork/spoon (eg weetabix, lasagne), we spoon feed her and give her utensils to 'help'.

Sandwich/crumpet/toast type foods I leave on the tray and leave her to it, but sometimes pop pieces in her mouth if she is messing about.

Now for the incident that has lead me to question myself...
I met a friend yesterday with my daughter (who I don't see very often) for lunch. She also brought her 20 month old daughter.

When food arrived she put her daughter in a highchair and left a plate of spaghetti Bolognese in front of her to eat by herself. She did eat some, and was very handy with a fork, but didn't actually eat enough for me to be satisfied that it was a filling meal if it were my DC. She made more mess than anything, but that doesn't bother me. If she is happy for her children to get messy thats fine by me!

I ordered food for my daughter (pasta) but I spoon-fed her while eating my sandwich one handed. My friend looked at me in shock and asked why I was spoon feeding, and commented she is a big girl now and shouldn't need to be fed by me. Throughout lunch she kept making comments about how clever her daughter is eating by herself, it's only a bit of mess etc etc... (I never once remarked on how her daughter was eating!)

I'm not fussy about her getting food all over her, that isn't why I spoon feed. I just want to ensure that she has eaten a decent meal especially as she has point blank refused any milk as a drink since 11 months! Any time I have tried to leave her to her own devices with a messy meal she just squashes it with her hands and smears it's everywhere and barely eats any of it.

What age is too old for spoon feeding? What do you guys think?!

OP posts:

tobysmum77 · 07/08/2015 09:49

in your op you state 'she ate a bit but not enough to convince me it was a filling meal if it had been one of my dc'

I don't think it is normal to spoonfeed at 19 months actually, but you are obviously free to do as you please .

DonkeyOaty · 07/08/2015 09:50

Do you do messy play with your daughter? I mean - cornflour/water (non newtonian fluid for extra ponciness) shaving foam, ice cubes, spaghetti painting? That kinda thing. If her only opportunity to get stuck into textures and sensory stuff is at mealtimes then have a think about introducing in play.

flanjabelle · 07/08/2015 09:52

If I tried to spoon feed dd (21mo) then she would most likely throw the food in my face. She is rather independant and has mastered cutlery simply so she can do it all by herself I think. she has never liked spoon feeding though. Blw was the only way with this child.

Original poster

Chunkymonkey79 · 07/08/2015 09:54

Yes, a just few mouthfuls. That isn't a meal to me. It might satisfy some kids, but mine would be whinging they are still hungry soon enough if they only had that amount. Therefore it wasn't enough to be a filling meal IMO.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chunkymonkey79 · 07/08/2015 09:55

Yes we go to messy play session at a local centre most weeks and she plays in the garden getting mucky quite often.

OP posts:

afreshstartplease · 07/08/2015 09:57

Ok, I just asked as I thought it could be part of your different ways!

In my experience children over 12 months in childcare are usually encouraged to self feed, and by two most are pretty good at it!

tobysmum77 · 07/08/2015 10:00

but that's the point isn't it? It's up to the child what a meal is not you ...

msgrinch · 07/08/2015 10:08

I don't think it's normal to spoon feed at that age, I certainly haven't seen many people do it. It's usually just let them get on with it and eat what their appetite wants. Toddlers don't need a huge amount of food per meal. I wouldn't have made comments like your friend did but her way is the norm for me.

toomuchtooold · 07/08/2015 10:11

Oh god your friend's being a right pain isn't she? It always amazes me how proud people get of their BLW chldren, when picking stuff up and putting it in your mouth is pretty much what they do on their own anyway... the best bit is how you get to be really smug when at 9 months they're happily munching away on everything you give them and you think "ah this is super-easy, look at our sophisticated children eating artichoke and houmous, all you need to do is introduce them to new flavours early on and be relaxed about it" and then by the time they're 2 and a half they will only eat fish fingers and one type of expensive soft fruit that is not in season. Yes we did do BLW. Yes, I was that pleased with myself at 9 months . And DD2's expensive fruit of choice is blueberries - during the winter we've virtually to remortgage the house to get her something to eat

IMO there's no harm in spoon feeding and I still spoon feed the kids, now over 3, when they are a bit tired or ill or just want to be babied. I don't think there's any harm in letting your DD play with mushy food though, they do love doing that at that age. She's experimenting with textures and smells and tastes blah blah blah I sound like a child development manual. But you know what I mean. Have you ever tried giving her cornflour with a bit of water in it to play with? I bet she would love it. It's incredibly messy though, we used to do it in the garden.

If I were you though I'd start trying to turn a blind eye to how much she's eating though, if only to save yourself the bother! Take a bit of fruit out with you and if she's hungry later she can have that.

Original poster

Chunkymonkey79 · 07/08/2015 10:12

I didn't choose to go down the baby led route though so I don't see this as an issue.

I was just trying to work out whether spoon feeding is generally considered appropriate at this age, that's all.

OP posts:

FelixFelix · 07/08/2015 10:14

My dd is also 19 months and I spoon feed her a lot

To be honest, she eats mostly food she can pick up with her hands. I do worry that she's not getting enough practice using cutlery. She had a chicken and butternut squash pie last night and used a spoon and she did quite well with it but I did feed her the last bit as she was getting irritated about being in her high chair.

OP I too worry about her eating enough when she's feeding herself. Most of the time if I leave her with a spoon/fork it just goes everywhere but in her mouth and then she's not eating much at all. So I totally get what you mean.

Original poster

Chunkymonkey79 · 07/08/2015 10:14

Thanks 'toomuch' really helpful reply

OP posts:

Original poster

Chunkymonkey79 · 07/08/2015 10:15

Yes felix! Totally my point! Food everywhere but in her mouth!

OP posts:

toobreathless · 07/08/2015 10:33

Calm down
No one is accusing you of deliberately overfeeding.

But the very act of spoon feeding, where the child does not need to put in the effort and time may lead to accidental over feeding as she will almost certainly eat quicker tbs. She would have done by herself and have less time for satiety signals to register.

Yes some people agree it is 'normal' to spoon feed a 19 month old but quite a few of us disagree.

yorkshapudding · 07/08/2015 10:33

FFS. I wish we could all be allowed to trust our instincts as parents and do what we feel is right without fear of being judged. Children are individuals. Some want to eat independently from young age and get the hang of cutlery really quickly. Some prefer throwing food to eating it and need a bit of help. OP, you are the expert in your own child. Your friend has a different way of doing things but her child is different from yours and she has no right to comment on your choices. BLW might be all the rage now but that doesn't mean it will suit every child.
I have learnt that any parenting related question posed on MN (especially related to babies or toddlers) is bound to invoke cries of "you're doing it wrong" and some people will feel the need to validate their own choices by rubbishing yours. If you're happy and your little one is happy and healthy then don't over think it.

ShadowStar · 07/08/2015 10:41

DS1 completely refused to be spoon fed by anyone other than himself, so we were forced down the BLW route with him.

DS2 is 23 months and we just let him get on with feeding himself. He's been encouraged to self feed from pretty early on and was pretty good at self feeding by 19 months. Although admittedly it was messy at first.

I'd be a bit surprised to see a 19 month old being spoon fed, but I wouldn't comment on it. I think it was rude of your friend to go on about it.

Mouthfulofquiz · 07/08/2015 10:56

I haven't spoon fed my ds since he turned about 11 months - but we did blw and encouraged using hands / utensils from a young age. Now he is 15 months and I just leave him to it - he's not a baby any more.

Whatabout · 07/08/2015 11:12

I did BLW so I have never spoon fed my son, it was a choice I made and don't push on others or feel smug about it. Even if I hadn't chosen that method I would still have encourage self-care such as self feeding from one onwards. By 19 months I would not be spoon feeding as it is a skill they need. I'd cut up the food into a size they can spoon and preload a spoon if really necessary. I'd also not be tolerating too much playing with food by that age either, feeding with hands is ok, smearing is fairly normal but full on playing I'd remove the food. If they stop eating then they are finished, they can wait for snack time or the next meal. Sometimes they just aren't hungry, sometimes they are pushing boundaries, they aren't going to starve waiting for a snack.

luciferswench · 07/08/2015 12:29

Your friends baby probably had enough to eat as did your child - you spoon feed to make sure she gets enough your friend just lets her child get on with it. Im of the let the child get on with it parent my children are not starving and i doubt your friends child is just like i doubt you over feed your child.
Each to their own.

Weareboatsremember · 07/08/2015 14:14

Not U I spoonfeed or help to spoonfeed my DD 23 months. I don't like her to get really messy, nor do I only want her to eat 3 strands of spaghetti! She eats like a big girl in other ways, and can use a fork and spoon for food that sticks to them, so I'm not fussed.
Your friend needs to get her beak out

Notso · 07/08/2015 15:39

I certainly wouldn't spoon feed at that age, I think by about 10 or 11 months they were feeding themselves for everything.
PIL hated this and still try and spoon feed the younger two. It drives me mad.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/08/2015 15:43

I was still spoon-feeding Ds2 at that age, I'm sure of it. Around 2 I let him get on with it himself, but still help him when he needs it.

He can use both fork and spoon, but still prefers to use his fingers most of the time, he's now 2.10 - but sometimes if he's being difficult and refusing to finish, I'll spoon/fork feed him the last few bits. If he really doesn't want it, he'll refuse - but often he's just tired (or lazy!) and wants me to help him out.

Totality22 · 07/08/2015 15:44

My DS is a terribly fussy eater BUT what he does eat he feeds himself.

We did BLW and the only real positive is that he has been self feeding most things since he was weeny. We always loaded the spoon with things like cereal / yoghurt etc.

If I thought he'd eat a better variety of food if he was spoon fed then I'd go down that route but that doesn't work for him!!

He is 2.9 by the way.

Snozberry · 07/08/2015 15:57

I never spoonfed mine when weaning as she wouldn't allow it, she is now 2 and still would be annoyed by it I think. So to me it seems odd to be spoonfeeding at 19 months but if it works for your child then it isn't a huge deal. As long as they have opportunity to practice using cutlery and are in control of how much they are fed. One of the questions I was asked at DDs 2 year checkup is if she was using cutlery reliably so I do think it must be more average to be using cutlery by 2 than not using it.

Madratlady · 07/08/2015 16:09

My 19mo asks to be fed, if he's hungry he wants help, at the very least I load the spoon for him as he hasn't quite figured out how to get food on, although he always has a try. He can stab food with a fork though and does that himself, and yogurt etc which sticks to the spoon.

I'd love him to feed himself completely but he will learn to eventually.

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