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AIBU?

to find coupley behaviour a bit unnecessary?

50 replies

Grammartiiime · 07/08/2015 01:33

My (older) DSis is 27 and 18 months ago met a 33 year old guy. He's very nice and makes her very happy.

She is the type to rush headlong into a relationship (i dont mean in intensity, but rather as time builds up, she likes to spend all her time with someone). They have as a consequence become very coupley...

Eg she'll be speaking about him (not in his presence) and use "we" to every question"! We went on holiday/we have x/one of our friends does this

for both sets of parents' xmas presents, they bought them a meal out (ie a joint present from them as a couple)

severe mentionitis - every conversation has his name shoehorned into it

they do everything together, everything - all weekend, most evenings, she doesn't go on girly/group holidays anymore... she hangs around with his friends and her small closeknit group come and go

they have just bought a place together and have now announced intention to spend family xmases together too

if I sound a bit jealous its cos I am i love her and he's great but wish she would leave more time for me and her friends... He still goes on weekends away etc so she'll do things then, but wont independently make plans. She's being a bit of a waity katie

Feel free to slap me with a wet fish and say im being ridiculous though!

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CrystalMcPistol · 07/08/2015 11:12

I think there's a general feeling on MN that once a person has met their spouse/partner then the "old" family have to take a back seat for the real family that's now been created

I've noticed that too. Some people are all about their spouse and kids being a tight unit (completely natural) but seem a bit dismissive of their siblings and to a lesser extent their parents/inlaws. Almost as if they've 'graduated' from their old family into a new one.

I wonder how those people would feel if when their children grow up they regard their parents and one another as being surplus to requirements.

Sorry, bit of a ramble...

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Hellochicken · 07/08/2015 11:16

It sounds normal to me, they have been together 18 months. I'm not saying everyone has relationships like this but some people are happy like this. His name is probably in every conversation because they do most things together.

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CrystalMcPistol · 07/08/2015 11:16

OP we all know people who become subsumed by their new partner to the degree that they adopt all their likes and interests and only refer in the 'we' and 'us'. It's wonderful to be in love but casting your life aside to adopt your new partner's ways is a bit sad.

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Rubbishfeminist · 07/08/2015 11:20

This all sounds pretty normal to me, OP. By couply I thought you meant, PDAs, holding hands, calling each other snuggle muffin etc.

Wanting to spend time together, building a life together and spending Xmas in their lovely new house is just normal isn't it?!

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CrystalMcPistol · 07/08/2015 11:22

He still goes on weekends away etc so she'll do things then, but wont independently make plans. She's being a bit of a waity katie

I'd find that very tiresome I have to say.

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Thurlow · 07/08/2015 11:24

I love DP but I also love my family and 'love' my friends. So I want to see them too.

I get its each to their own, but personally I've never understood how meeting your OH means you want to essentially drop your family and friends.

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Grammartiiime · 07/08/2015 15:55

Thanks all to those criticising me because I used the term "waity Katie" it really wasn't meant badly, just a silly lighthearted joke. All I meant was it sometimes struck me that she was prioritising the boring everyday jobs (eg helping his SIL with bedtime when he was away having a good time) with fun times with her family and friends. He's getting the better deal here

I had a v close relationship beforehand and would love that back... Maybe will happen after I meet someone and hopefully ultimately when/if we have kids at a similar time - just different life stages I guess

Thanks though

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SolidGoldBrass · 07/08/2015 19:57

It's partly because much of my social life is women-only (I am a member of an all-female dance team and, though probably about 60% of the team are in long-term heterosexual relationships, team members do quite a lot of stuff together, without partners/kids.) But I think women, in particular, who can't/won't do anything without Hubby, are a bit pathetic.

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EastMidsMummy · 07/08/2015 22:29

What a bitch she sounds, enjoying her life in a happy relationship.

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CrystalMcPistol · 07/08/2015 22:37

That's a bit mean. Have you never known a friend/relative who's set their whole life aside to focus on their relationship? The OP sounds happy for her sister but just a bit sad that she's prioritising him and his family's needs above her own family.

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Grammartiiime · 07/08/2015 22:38

Jeez eastmidsmummy

Have you bothered to read the thread?

I'm happy that she's happy! Very happy in fact. I was referring to the fact that I felt our once very close relationship had taken a bit of a backseat since she got a DP. Cos MN is ideal for a bit of a rant, y'know? I'm certainly not begrudging her happiness, far from it actually

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badg3r · 07/08/2015 23:08

I had a good friend like that once, except the guy came across as his own biggest fan and used to make really inappropriate comments. She also started just bringing him along to everything, even when explicitly told it was a girls' night etc. I stopped meeting up eith her in the end. That's not an option here but it's a bit damned if you do damned if you don't, if you do mention how it irritates you it'll make her very upset and drive her away. But I do get how annoying it can be.

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inchoccyheaven · 07/08/2015 23:57

My DP and I are like this and very affectionate too. We don't live together yet but do spend any free time we have together and hate it if we can't see each other each day if only for half an hour. We text constantly from minute we wake to going to sleep. We always hold hands when we are out and sit together on same side of table rather than across from each other and kiss quite a bit too. It just feels natural to be like this and if others don't like it its tough really.

Interestingly I wasn't like this with my exh, we were affectionate but didn't spend much quality time together and I never understood why people would be like it, but this feels completely different and I wouldn't want it any other way.

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Parmajan · 08/08/2015 00:32

Good for you choccy. It sounds quite intense to me but you're right, it's not about anyone else so as long as you're happy go for it

Do you have time for your friends/family still?

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inchoccyheaven · 09/08/2015 01:30

Parmajan it is very intense, but for us it doesn't feel like a bad thing at all. We have been together 2 years but both have children who have had to adjust to a huge change in their lives so not rushing them to the next stage even though we desperately want to. This means we make every effort to make our relationship as special and cherished when we can't be together.

I'm not close to my family and although I am friendly with quite a few people I only really meet 1 friend every so often. My DP still sees her family weekly and her friends occasionally, but tries to do it when I am working so as to not encroach on "our" time. We don't restrict each other at all, just prefer to spend all our time together and as we get on with most of the same people we are lucky enough to socialise together too.

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UghMug · 09/08/2015 02:04

My brother and his gf are the opposite. They're oddly codependent & have lived together a couple of years so you'd expect a degree of coupleyness but Christmases are with their respective families. Cards and presents are only ever from my brother not both of them. They're not teens. I'm wondering if they ever will do the melt

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CrystalMcPistol · 09/08/2015 03:05

inchoccyheaven do you think because you're not close to your family and you only have one friend that that may be the reason your romantic relationship is so intense? They get to be your sole focus.

I've been in relationships like that before, it tends to relax a bit once you're actually living together.

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GoblinLittleOwl · 09/08/2015 09:24

Well, all one can say about being a 'waity Katie' is : look where it got her!

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inchoccyheaven · 09/08/2015 21:51

CrystalMcpistol no I don't think that has any bearing for me. I was married for 16 years together 19 to my exh and I thought we were close and affectionate etc enjoyed being together but still saw other friends etc. I was very close to my mum when growing up but that has changed over the years for various reasons.
With dp we were friends for 7 years before we became involved completely unexpectedly and maybe because of the circumstances and everything we have been through we are as intense and coupley but we wouldn't have it any other way. I have more than 1 friend I just don't socialise very much and because of the hours she works she also prioritises time with her dh which I understand.

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maninawomansworld · 10/08/2015 10:24

Just be happy that they are happy.
Don't you remember when it was all new and exciting like that? It doesn't last forever so just let them enjoy it without pouring cold piss all over it.

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goodnessgraciousgouda · 10/08/2015 11:06

It might be a bit annoying if the "we" thing was literally with everything.

Most of it just seems pretty normal though. I do find it very odd that she never sees friends on her own any more though. Not even for drinks or a dinner?

That's the one thing I do find very creepy - when someone is in a relationship, or has a child, and then all of a sudden it is a physical impossibility to ever speak to them on their own anymore. Super weird.

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EponasWildDaughter · 10/08/2015 12:09

They've been together 18 months. They've just bought a house together. You're meant to be loved up at this stage. She may or may not chill out a bit as time goes on, but your idea of how she 'aught to be' at this stage is neither here nor there. She is getting on with her new SIL. That's great.

I think this is much more about your own situation OP, as you have hinted.

Leave your older sister alone to be in love.

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EponasWildDaughter · 10/08/2015 12:13

Also, it might be that her old friends are going through big changes in their lives and are less available too. Perhaps they've grown apart a bit?

We go through changes all our lives. It's not unusual to grow out of the friends you had in your teens and 20s, or for them to outgrow you first, IYKWIM?

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thegreysheep · 13/08/2015 16:57

I don;t think it's individual things - like Christmas/ 'we' etc., it is that he seems to still see other people in his life (although often with her) but she has dropped all the people in her life.

One of my sisters is a bit like this in ways, she will never agree to ANYTHING unless she has checked if her DH can come too - even a lunch or coffee or weekend meeting at shops. Also, if one of them has a lot on at work the following week so doesn't want to do anything at the weekend, the other will NEVER do anything either (even things like a mother's day lunch).

In one way they are very united, in another they are both kissing out on seeing anyone else including families and friends, and people are giving up on them.

Each to their own, but I'd imagine it'd be a huge jolt if they ever split up or anything.

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thegreysheep · 13/08/2015 16:58

D'oh, missing out, not kissing out!

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