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to find coupley behaviour a bit unnecessary?

50 replies

Grammartiiime · 07/08/2015 01:33

My (older) DSis is 27 and 18 months ago met a 33 year old guy. He's very nice and makes her very happy.

She is the type to rush headlong into a relationship (i dont mean in intensity, but rather as time builds up, she likes to spend all her time with someone). They have as a consequence become very coupley...

Eg she'll be speaking about him (not in his presence) and use "we" to every question"! We went on holiday/we have x/one of our friends does this

for both sets of parents' xmas presents, they bought them a meal out (ie a joint present from them as a couple)

severe mentionitis - every conversation has his name shoehorned into it

they do everything together, everything - all weekend, most evenings, she doesn't go on girly/group holidays anymore... she hangs around with his friends and her small closeknit group come and go

they have just bought a place together and have now announced intention to spend family xmases together too

if I sound a bit jealous its cos I am Grin i love her and he's great but wish she would leave more time for me and her friends... He still goes on weekends away etc so she'll do things then, but wont independently make plans. She's being a bit of a waity katie

Feel free to slap me with a wet fish and say im being ridiculous though!

OP posts:
MistletoeBUTNOwine · 07/08/2015 01:40

I'd just be happy for them Smile

SolidGoldBrass · 07/08/2015 01:43

This would probably irritate me a bit, as well. There's so much more to life than Being In A Couple, and it's so often women who give up on having an actual life once they have A Man.

Grammartiiime · 07/08/2015 01:45

You're absolutely right Mistletoe - I've just read back through my post and I sound awful. I love her and, more than anything, I'm so pleased that she is/they are happy together Smile

When I say jealous I don't mean green-eyed monster but I guess a little nostalgic for the days when she had more time for me. Not that she doesn't now (I mean she hasn't cut me off or anything!) but I feel deep down I guess that his family and friends see plenty more of both of them than us: her family and friends. Wish we could take priority sometimes too.

OP posts:
Grammartiiime · 07/08/2015 01:47

Thanks SGB glad you agree - they literally do everything together and I do feel she's given up her life for him a bit really. When he's got his old life plus the bonus of being with her... Don't get it, I feel like he's her world, when (don't get me wrong he adores her!) she is the best part of his, but still a part - he has other interests and friends too

OP posts:
NickiFury · 07/08/2015 01:51

You don't sound awful at all, it all sounds massively tiresome. Not sure what to advise I tend to avoid people like this as I can't really relate to it. I'm single and have been for ages but I don't think I was ever like this in any of my relationships.

Grammartiiime · 07/08/2015 01:57

Thanks Nicki. Just really highlighted it earlier today when she said she was popping to his brother's house to help out with bathtime/teatime as his brother and him were off playing golf! She sees his SIL more than she sees me...

We are/were very close but she almost seems proud of being part of this defined couple and chatters away about all their updates: for example, when I went to hers to watch a movie she said she "wasnt allowed" to watch the next game of thrones episode because they were watching it together. Okay then Confused

OP posts:
NickiFury · 07/08/2015 02:10

My dsis was a bit like this. I used to
call her The Sponge because she would soak up and be consumed by any bloke she was with; he liked clubbing so suddenly it was off to
Ibiza for holidays and buying DJ decks to mix their own music Hmm, she's nuts about his family too, ours don't really get a look in. I just gave up on it really as I didn't want to fall out with her.

afterthought2 · 07/08/2015 07:56

I sympathise, my best friend is the same. In fact, I haven't seen her in the 2 years since she met her DP. Me and my DP still live our own lives, do things together but mostly see our friends separately. As a result, I haven't seen her because she'll only meet as a couple. Every picture on fb is the two of them (who are increasingly looking like each other - clothes, mannerisms etc) and every status update tags the other in the couple. It must be so suffocating.

Ifiwasabadger · 07/08/2015 07:57

YANBU, I can't bear couples like this.

WombatStewForTea · 07/08/2015 08:06

It could be worse they could be one of those couples who have to be physically attached at all times like my brother and his gf! If we go out for a meal they have to hold hands throughout! I wonder how they managed to eat! At my parents house, if he goes upstairs to get something, she goes with him! If they're getting a lift with some they both sit in the back seat leaving the passenger seat free! not in my car, I'm not their bloody chauffeur it's really quite ridiculous. When they got together they were young and maybe a bit insecure but they've been together nearly 7 years now!

StampyMum · 07/08/2015 08:07

Yeah, that sounds really annoying. But I wonder if I'm a bit like that Confused
DH and I don't watch a lot of telly, but I would avoid watching the next episode of a series we're watching together... Is that annoyingly coupley?

My sister is always trying to get me to go on a holiday with her and my mum, and I always kinda don't want to, without DH, but that's really cos they tend to pick on me Blush

Trills · 07/08/2015 08:27

Nearly all of your post sounds absolutely fine and quite normal.

If they were both on a holiday it's normal to say "we were on holiday". If they live together it's normal to talk about "we have a Henry hoover" (or whatever the object it is). It's usual for couples who live together to spend Christmas together, rather than each going "home" like children.

The bit that I find less normal is that she is no longer spending any time with her friends.

Maybe she doesn't actually like her friends that much, and was just spending time with them while she was single to pass the time. Maybe she is one of the people who, when she has children, will abandon her previous friends entirely and only sped time with other parents from baby groups.

Eebahgum · 07/08/2015 08:32

My sil is like this. When she split with her ex we gave her lots of support & she came to visit about once a fortnight. We were all really close & I look back fondly on those times. Then she met someone new & spends every waking moment with him. We see them both about once every 3 months, even then it's just not the same. She turns down invitations because they're tidying the garage. I'm pleased she's met someone new & she's really happy, but I miss her.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 07/08/2015 08:34

Yes I agree, most of the stuff, ie family Christmas sounds perfectly normal.

cleanindahouse · 07/08/2015 08:52

I have a friend like this. She can't start a sentence without saying "'his name' thinks...." or "'he said..."

She has completely inmersed herself in him and it worries me a bit. She's lost who she is. Shes usually really independent.

mewkins · 07/08/2015 08:58

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable. Everyone needs balance and who just wants to be part of a couple without their own identity? Keep inviting her to things and make plans. I would hope that over time she would be less intese about spending all ger time with her dp and will realise that friends and family are important too.

MrsMook · 07/08/2015 09:31

Having had a parent bereaved at a moderately young age and seeing her having to build her independent life, I was always resolved to maintain some independence from my relationship so that if I ever ended up alone through separation or bereavement, I'd at least have my own identity. I think that's why I feel uncomfortable about such closely tied couples; it seems to be a very vulnerable position to put yourself in.

Surely if your entire life is wrapped around one other person, you'd struggle for interests and stimulating conversation.

I suppose the change is more dramatic because when these personalities aren't in a relationship, they appear to be close friends because they always have to be latched on to someone, then when they latch onto someone else you feel rejected.

Theycallmemellowjello · 07/08/2015 09:39

This sounds pretty normal. Mentioning all the time is a bit much but I think a lot of people tire of group holidays when they get older. Absolutely horrible to call her a 'waity katey'. I think you need to manage your feelings of jealousy and focus on your own love life.

LittleBearPad · 07/08/2015 10:05

It all sounds pretty normal to me especially Christmas. They would spend it together if living with one another wouldn't they.

However if you want to see her have you invited her out for dinner, drinks, shopping whatever? If not then do so.

WayneRooneysHair · 07/08/2015 10:09

It sounds normal to me OP.

Callaird · 07/08/2015 10:30

My brother is like this.

He'll be in a relationship a nanosecond and her name will be on birthday/Xmas/mothers/Father's Day cards. I think it's weird.

When he's single he's really sociable, when in a relationship he'll be busy with her friends and if 'made' to join us, sit in a corner whispering away.

He likes to be in a relationship so is not often single. He dispairs of me being alone for over two years! Keeps telling me I should find someone. Thankfully he is in a relationship at the moment so I don't see/speak/hear from him often!

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 07/08/2015 10:30

Perhaps she likes spending time with his brother and sil as a couple, whereas you want to see her alone. If you have a partner in the future will you only want to see her alone rather than as couples?

I am not someone who thinks that couples should be together all the time and not have different interests etc. but I don't really see that anything your sister is doing is unreasonable.

I think it is totally normal to spend Christmas together, I think it's odd for adults in their 30s to go 'home' like students and spend the time away from each other.

It would seem odd to say "I am going on holiday to ..." when she is going with her partner.

They are 27 and 33, very normal for people of this age to settle down and perhaps think about having a family, which seems to be the stage they are at.

I think you need to accept that she is an adult and he is the most important person in her life now.

NickiFury · 07/08/2015 10:42

I think there's a general feeling on MN that once a person has met their spouse/partner then the "old" family have to take a back seat for the real family that's now been created Hmm. You've only to look at many of the MIL threads to see that and the regular references to how "your little family and/or family unit take priority now", which of course they do, I know my dc and myself as a family of three is the most important to me. This probably explains some of the replies you're getting OP. However I do think some use it as excuse to edge out in laws that they don't like very much or have little in common with too.

"Waitey Katie" is not "absolutely horrible" Hmm at all, no more than me calling my dsis "The Sponge", which she absolutely was, it was just so noticeable, it made me laugh more than anything.

Just wait it out OP, the novelty may wear off, it often doesn't though which can be sad for the people who have been dropped.

Preciousbane · 07/08/2015 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RingforJeeves · 07/08/2015 11:01

It all sounds totally normal to me.

Saying we instead of I when talking about joint holidays, joint possessions, joint experiences, mutual friends etc. is completely normal.

The constant mentioning might be a bit annoying, or it just might be that it bothers you therefore you're making a bigger thing of it than it is. I have a friend who recently told me I shoehorn DH into every conversation. Thing is, we've been exclusively emailing for a while, and looking through the last few months correspondence, I'd only briefly mentioned him a few times when she asked how my family was/what we were up to, twice when I thought he might be able to help her with an issue she was having at work (he could, and did), and once as part of a funny anecdote. He averages a mention about every 4th email, but it was hitting a nerve, so to her it was as if I couldn't shut up about him.

Joint presents are normal for a serious couple.

I would find it far stranger if a co-habiting couple split up at Christmas to visit their respective families, and lot's of people prefer to spend Christmas as a couple. If they're thinking of having DC's someday they may not want to start a tradition of spending every Christmas Day with the (future) GP's.

A lot of people tire of group holidays at that age. As for spending all their time together, some people like spending a lot of their leisure time with their OH, some are more friendship orientated. There's nothing wrong with either. As long as she's not ditching everyone else in her life for her DP, which it doesn't sound like she is (in fact it sounds like her social circle has significantly increased due to the relationship), it's no big deal. Her priorities have simply changed, as do most people's when they go from single life to a serious relationship.

I don't know a TV watching couple who don't have at-least one show they watch as a couple. I have one show I only watch with DH, one I only watch with DS, and I used to have one I'd only watch while on the phone with a friend (perhaps you could suggest doing that with her?).

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