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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep something if my DH hates it

66 replies

Mindexplode · 05/08/2015 12:31

We are in the process of moving house and are clearing out the loft, this has caused some heated discussions on what comes with us and what gets given away/ sold/ taken to the dump etc

Many years ago, before I knew DH I was made an item, and it is beautiful. It means a lot to me and even though I am no longer in touch with the person who made it, having it makes me happy. It lives in bubble wrap in the loft, but previously was out in the house.

DH hates it as it was made for me by a man, and he hates any reminders I had a life before him. I need to remind myself I was a person before I met him and this is part of who I am, I thought it being in the loft was a good compromise.

It's not that big or bulky - So AIBU in keeping it seeing as lots of other things are leaving the house and DH hates it, or am I justified in keeping something that reminders me of my life before DH?

OP posts:

SnapesCapes · 05/08/2015 13:45

I so want it to be a cast of his groin.

I'd keep it, because your past and all it's challenges have made you exactly who you are, the person your DH fell in love with and adores. Were it not for that man you may never have become who you are. (I don't mean that glibly; of course if he was awful to you, he's a dick, but you're in a great place now and shouldn't be ashamed of your history).

Gottagetmoving · 05/08/2015 14:08

You let go of things when YOU are ready, not when someone else is.
You don't have to flaunt it in front of your DH, just keep it privately for yourself.

There should not be parts of you your DH wants to forget - Everying about you makes you who you are - even the things that you regret or are not proud of.

LindyHemming · 05/08/2015 14:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou · 05/08/2015 14:23

There should not be parts of you your DH wants to forget

Of course there will be, he's not a drone that's programmed to agree with everything she does.

There could be a multitude of things that people wouldn't want to be reminded of about their partners - affairs being one obvious one!

Roussette · 05/08/2015 14:26

But this is something from before she met him! You can't pretend history didn't happen, it would be like walking on eggshells not being able to talk about the past.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 05/08/2015 14:30

There could be a multitude of things that people wouldn't want to be reminded of about their partners - affairs being one obvious one!

An affair is a betrayal. Having a life before meeting your partner is not a betrayal. Even if some misogynists seem to like to interpret it that way.

Boredinchippenham · 05/08/2015 14:45

Need to know what item is?????

DrElizabethPlimpton · 05/08/2015 14:49

If it is a clay pot or something similar then keep it.

If it is a sex swing then possibly time to get rid!

ThatBloodyWoman · 05/08/2015 14:56

Keep it.Its fuck all to do with your dh.
I have something on display that an old boyfriend did for me.Dh doesn't mind at all.Why should he?
I would be a bit if he did take issue tbh.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 05/08/2015 15:34

He sounds really insecure.

DP and I are still using the saucepans I got as a wedding present. And I have numerous things from exs ranging from CDs to children...

Duckdeamon · 05/08/2015 15:38

Putting it in the loft was not a compromise, it was giving in to your DH's unreasonable behaviour. If you actually like the item and want to keep it, have it in the house properly!
it is weird and controlling of him to judge your past or want to erase it.

cleanindahouse · 05/08/2015 16:01

Oh ffs.

Here we go with controlling.

mynewpassion · 05/08/2015 16:05

Keep it but not in the open.

Doje · 05/08/2015 16:06

If this was the other way round and DH had kept something a significant ex had given him, I'd be a bit put out about it tbh. I know it wouldn't mean anything, but I just wouldn't like it.

It depends a bit on what it is, and the practicality of it. I'd live with it if it made him really, really happy. I'd just not like to have to, and I'd like him to respect my feelings.

mynewpassion · 05/08/2015 16:10

When I mean open, I meant where he has to see it all the time. For some husbands, the wives ask them to put it in the shed or man cave so she wouldn't see it all the time.

Roussette · 05/08/2015 16:16

Gosh, I must be odd then. I wouldn't care a fig if my DH had something he liked given to him by an ex. Why would I care? I'm with him, not her. And I would want my DH to be like this with me too, which he is.

The OP says it is a beautiful piece, why can't she have it out if she likes it? There is no hidden meaning to it, she is being honest an saying she likes the art of it or whatever, I just don't understand the problem.

Roussette · 05/08/2015 16:18

Do we all have to wipe clean our pasts from before marriage, in order to be in a marriage? The past is the past, it's the present that matters.

Gottagetmoving · 05/08/2015 16:24

My DP has stuff that he had with his ex wife. He keeps it in his own belongings in a drawer. I am not even sure what he has,..I think there is a ring, a watch, a chain, some pictures,..just bits and pieces that she gave him when they were happy and thought they would be together forever, I guess.
They probably mean a lot to him because he loved her. That was before he met me and I would never expect him to get rid of his memories or keepsakes.
People have a past and if you expect them to get rid of reminders because they are now with you, then you are insecure.
Learn to get rid of insecurities, not expect people to get rid of reminders of their past.

redexpat · 05/08/2015 16:47

Read Marie Kondo and follow her rules. Hold the item, and ask yourself does this spark joy? If yes, then keep it, if not, discard.

redexpat · 05/08/2015 16:48

Read Marie Kondo and follow her rules. Hold the item, and ask yourself does this spark joy? If yes, then keep it, if not, discard.

redexpat · 05/08/2015 16:48

Read Marie Kondo and follow her rules. Hold the item, and ask yourself does this spark joy? If yes, then keep it, if not, discard.

Duckdeamon · 05/08/2015 16:53

No need to be rude cleanindahouse

Unless the item is huge, hideous, a model of a cock or all three why does the DH get to dictate that OP can't keep it?

Or that a veil must be drawn over OP's supposedly shameful past?

ImperialBlether · 05/08/2015 16:57

Is it this?

ChunkyPickle · 05/08/2015 20:07

Goodness - I'm the one that kept DP's wedding ring and some jewellery his ex-wife gave back to him - the first time I met his parents he got out his wedding crystal for us all, and I'm sure there are things that I've shared with him that came from previous boyfriends...

Sure, the first couple of years perhaps someone might be a bit insecure, but after a few years and maybe some kids, surely there's so much water under the bridge that you can cope with some history.

cleanindahouse · 05/08/2015 20:17

Rude? Pfft.

Controlling gets thrown about here to the point of cringiness.

He doesn't like it because it came from another man. He hasn't dictated has he? She still has it. Where's the control?

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