To express my jealousy and dare I say, bitterness?

[CarrieBsManolos]

Where to start..I am broke, I see everyone around me with so much more and it hurts. I can't work due to long term mental and physical health issues, I have 2 young kids and am a LP. One of my boys has possible SEN, assessment currently happening.

It wasn't meant to be like this, I did well at school, college and went onto achieve various vocational qualifications but had children young and focused on them. (Which I am proud of). I am now at the higher end of my thirties, don't own a house, don't drive, don't work and honestly - I feel like a loser.

The bitterness comes when I hear a friend of mine telling me about buying her new half a million pound house and then another friend saying she dealt with a difficult situation by going on a shopping spree and couldn't stop herself! She doesn't work either but her DH earns a six figure salary.

Lots of family members are getting married over the next few years and this year, I've missed out on 2 hen weekends already which is fine as I don't want to go away but I'd at least like to go out with a couple of the brides to be for a meal or drinks.

Someone in my family said she's really 'feeling the pinch' lately and then ordered a huge Chinese meal and I couldn't afford to chip in so just left. Can't remember the last time I had a takeaway, people hand me down their old clothes which is very kind but I used to love clothes shopping when I've had jobs in the past. I cut my own hair, use pound shop hair dye every 6 months and take my boys to the park everyday instead of cinema, swimming, days out. No holiday for about 5 years.

So - AIBU to feel so down about all this?? Or am in need of a change in attitude and stop being so bloody miserable?

Sorry if this has depressed anyone, my NHS counsellor is away for two weeks! Can you tell?!

My parents had nothing until they were well into their 40s.

I had an upbringing with no money but never knew it. I remember the excitement of a bag of hand me down clothes arriving.

Honestly I think it's a new thing to take your kids out all the time in the summer. We played in the garden, built Ramps for our bikes out of broken wood, kicked a football about, built a den out of clothes horse and sheets. This was the 80s, I know things have changed but kids are kids and love rough and tumble.

Can you look up some local geo caching site? Take them to the library. Get to make a sports day in the garden. These are the things I loved doing.

With regards to the takeaway, your friend's husband should bloody well have paid for you regardless! At the risk of sounding sexist if a single girl joined our evening it wouldn't occur to my dh to let her pay. How rude.

I once spent some time contracting at a financial institution. We got talking in the pub one day, and as a hick from the sticks, South Wales wondered how people afforded the mortgages on their homes and managed to have new BMW's (other car brands are available) on their drives.

The houses are bought on interest only mortgages, and the cars are leased, is the answer. Basically both are rented - not the way I'd like to live. It really opened my eyes to the way that some people's lives could come crashing down around their ears at any moment.

With regards to the takeaway, your friend's husband should bloody well have paid for you regardless I agree but in my part of the world if you know the other person is short of money you pay and don't make a big deal of it. Not being able to invite someone else is being poor no matter how many millions you have in the bank

Interesting about the cars and houses are leased basically, makes you think some lifestyles are smoke and mirrors and its all an illusion.

Well I'm going to try to change over to PIP now as it looks like a couple of issues are going to be long term, am hoping to get DLA too for ds but am meeting resistance from ex and his family members about this as they say some of his problems are brought on by me and that I'm overreacting too. They don't want him feeling like there's something wrong with him due to assessments etc. I'm not assertive enough and they know this.

Things feel very crap today, my depression is grinding me down and I'm struggling to stay positive in front of the boys. Cried in the shower

Your lovely comments and suggestions are helping more than I can express, thank you

Meant to say regarding ex's family members - as they've helped us out financially I feel obligated to be 'on board' with their attitudes about DS.

Apply for dla for ds and don't tell inlaws. They don't need to know - if the forms a bit daunting contact someone to help.

Is there something you could do for yourself - join creative writing group ect. Something with no pressure or commitment. Even an online group

OP, you sound like you're doing your best to be strong for your kids but you're just finding life tough. It is very hard being skint. Many of my friends are better off then me and it's tough to see sometimes. Things are looking up for us now but I will never ever forget the utter helpless misery of just not having enough money and worrying about it constantly.

You're not wrong to have feelings of bitterness and jealousy and I think your friends have been a bit insensitive. If a friend of mine had to go home because they couldn't buy their own Chinese I'd have died of shame and insisted on paying for them.

There's some good advice on here. I hope you end up entitled to a bit more to help you stop struggling.

If its any help, my parents were really skint when we grew up but I just remember being outside all the time and having hot dinners and bedtime stories. I had no idea what money was in the bank and not a care in the world.

Post on here re DLA-I am sure there will be good advice on the SEN boards. As for the in-laws, smile, be non-committal, do what you think is right quietly.

Not suggesting this is some cure-all for depression, but have you tried mindfulness? My mother has found it enormously helpful. Apparently some NHS trusts provide free Mindfulness/CBT courses. Worth a look, I think. If you want to PM me your address I can send you some books.

My kids wear hand-me-downs from cousins, and also get excited about a new bag of clothes from my sisters. DH thinks it's very middle class (which he isn't). He says people will think we're saving for private school fees! Just to show you the things some people worry are stigmatising can convey status in the eyes of others.

My fall-back for bad days (of which there have been a few lately, thanks to health scares) is playing cinemas- ice cream or chocolate in front of a film or the TV with the curtains drawn and the lights off. We snuggle under fleece blankets. The kids think that is high living.

That or picking their bogeys out for them. Hey, small pleasures, right?

If you have Internet access take a look at money saving expert and search for ideas about earning money at home. At one end of the spectrum there are ideas for full time work but there are also some 'pin money' suggestions that i followed on maternity leave. These include market research and review writing. Both pay in amazon vouchers - tiny amounts but it felt like money I could spend on 'extras'.

Interesting about the cars and houses are leased basically, makes you think some lifestyles are smoke and mirrors and its all an illusion

I remember when I was a lone parent with maybe ten pounds in the bank if I was lucky, knowing a couple who had a lovely house, car, furniture, etc. but all on hire purchase and a mortgage and realising that they would not be able to afford a child, because if their income went down by the slightest amount they risked losing everything.

Around that time too a cousin of mine told me that she and her husband owed over 30,000 pounds. So it struck me that there are a lot worse things than having no money.

I know someone else with an abusive ex who is adamant that their son doesn't need any kind of diagnosis, but all the boy's problems are due to the mother being over anxious. It's just another control technique to make the mum feel crap and keep her in line, and means that the Dad can continue the pretense that he and his son are perfect.

Thanks for replies, no I won't mention to in-laws, they drive me crazy in so many ways even though I am grateful to them - weird emotions there.

MissBattleaxe you're right, kids don't remember amounts of money, they remember fun times, excitement, late nights in the summer, fun with mum I hope :)

Haha @ picking out bogeys!! Fundamentalist that made me smile after a really shitty day, yes a life with boys involves plenty of bogeys ;)

lozter I love the money saving expert site! Haven't been on it for a while, its given such fantastic advice in the past and helped me loads so will have a good look tomorrow morning.

I know someone like that too atenco, not having a rented car or house but who needs a certain amount or their whole lifestyle will come crashing down. Older DS found an app earlier which presents a dilemma to you and asks whether you'd do certain things or risk losing things for huge amounts of money - playing it really put into perspective what is important in life that money can't buy.

kickass....that sounds too familiar. Thats basically the situation I'm in. Ex-DP has similar traits and I think he and his family take it as a personal attack and think that its just 'quirkiness' and I am a drama queen who wants something to be wrong. Couldn't be further from the truth.

Just want to say again thanks to everyone who has read this and offered their support in so many ways..the kindness of strangers is an amazing thing

Hi,

Sorry you're having a hard time of things. I agree with others that you sound like a lovely mum, how wonderful that your 15year old DS still enjoys spending lots of time with his family. I can only hope that mine will be the same in a few years time.

I may sound a bit of a hypocrite posting as I'm fortunate not to have any real money worries, although grew up in somewhat relative poverty. However, I worry about kids these days growing up over indulged and spoilt, ending up as narcissistic adults so I deliberately choose to live a fairly modest lifestyle with my DCs.

May I recommend a book that I enjoyed reading and helped focus my mind, called 'The Spend Less Revolution' by Rebecca Ash. Maybe see if your library has it or if not get a cheap second hand copy from Amazon. I liked how it made the point that living modestly and with less consumerism is a positive thing. I have nothing to do with the book other than a reader of it, btw. Also I like the e book 100 easy ways to be a be a thrifty family by Becky Goddard Hill has some nice ideas written in a positive way. I use the iPad reader as don't have a kindle. Sometimes reading these type of books really helps my mindset and inspires me, hope it helps you too.

I'm glad that you sounded more positive in your last post.