To express my jealousy and dare I say, bitterness?

[CarrieBsManolos]

Where to start..I am broke, I see everyone around me with so much more and it hurts. I can't work due to long term mental and physical health issues, I have 2 young kids and am a LP. One of my boys has possible SEN, assessment currently happening.

It wasn't meant to be like this, I did well at school, college and went onto achieve various vocational qualifications but had children young and focused on them. (Which I am proud of). I am now at the higher end of my thirties, don't own a house, don't drive, don't work and honestly - I feel like a loser.

The bitterness comes when I hear a friend of mine telling me about buying her new half a million pound house and then another friend saying she dealt with a difficult situation by going on a shopping spree and couldn't stop herself! She doesn't work either but her DH earns a six figure salary.

Lots of family members are getting married over the next few years and this year, I've missed out on 2 hen weekends already which is fine as I don't want to go away but I'd at least like to go out with a couple of the brides to be for a meal or drinks.

Someone in my family said she's really 'feeling the pinch' lately and then ordered a huge Chinese meal and I couldn't afford to chip in so just left. Can't remember the last time I had a takeaway, people hand me down their old clothes which is very kind but I used to love clothes shopping when I've had jobs in the past. I cut my own hair, use pound shop hair dye every 6 months and take my boys to the park everyday instead of cinema, swimming, days out. No holiday for about 5 years.

So - AIBU to feel so down about all this?? Or am in need of a change in attitude and stop being so bloody miserable?

Sorry if this has depressed anyone, my NHS counsellor is away for two weeks! Can you tell?!

YANBU op and you're not alone. I could have written almost exactly the same stuff.
But you sound like a good soul op, stay strong
But

Yanbu there are thousands in your position WITHOUT the help of family you are lucky to have support. Yes it's shit being broke but you only have 2dc you still have hope of getting a job there are people with more kids with no chance of getting a job etc. There's no point being bitter and jealous others can't help what they have, as for the friend with the Chinese that was a bit tight that no one chipped in for you some friends they are.

Sorry meant yanu just a bit though.

Ffs yabu

I sometimes feel like you, as I see friends and work colleagues going on expensive holidays, buying new cars, having extensions etc.

Although I work, I have mental health problems, so I find it very difficult to deal with any kind of stresses. So I won't be looking for promotion or anything. I know my salary is never going to increase by a large amount.

Also people who still have both parents (my df died when I was 23 and my dm when I was 39).

I just have to remind myself that are people who are far less fortunate - homeless people, people who live in poor housing (damp, overcrowding etc).

I know this doesn't help you, but you are not alone in your feelings.

This may not help at all but I have enough money to be comfortable and all I can see is that my less well off friends have husbands and children who they love and who love them. Would gladly give up my money to trade places- I bet there is no way you would give up the people you love for extra money. I hope you take this the way I mean it - I know that money worries are awful too.

Regina she can't work due to physical and mental health reasons.

I'm sorry, that's really shitty for you. Why on earth did your friend order the meal without consulting you first? Couldn't you have cooked together, specially as she too was 'feeling the pinch?'

Sorry you feel this way, it's bloody awful being poor.

I grew up very priveliged, we could literally have whatever we wanted and had numerous holidays throughout the year.

My DC have been abroad once, and that was because my parents paid. Things are looking up now, but I've had a grim few years where I wouldn't eat so the children could.

If one of your children possibly has SEN, you may be entitled to DLA for him. You don't have to have a diagnosis to get it. The form is soul destroying but may be worth applying. That may take the strain off financially.

*privileged

And reading that back I sound like a twat. I wasn't bragging about growing up in a well off home, I was just trying to comapare that to my own children's upbringing, which is vastly different to my own.

Moan away, that all sounds tough. I agree that people are being rather insensitive. I truly hope that better things are around the corner for you and your lovely family.

I hope you are getting everything you are entitled to OP. I am in a similar situation (single parent with health issues, DD with SEN). Life was grim on income support but I managed to get DLA awarded for DD a few years ago, and DLA for my own health problems. It's made a huge difference to our finances as I get awarded premiums on all our benefits and means I can spend money on ordinary things to make our lives better, like meals out and modest shopping sprees.

PP is right in that you don't even need a diagnosis to apply - DD hadn't been diagnosed at the time (she now has dx of ASD and ADHD). Also I've had other help like respite and holidays/days funded by a charity. So find your local advice service (you should have something in your area for parent carers) and they should help you apply and make sure you're claiming everything you're entitled to.

Anyone who thinks it's shallow or materialistic to be upset over lack of money doesn't know what it's like not to have it.

YANBU and I was in the same situation as you.

Some weeks, I would feed DD and just eat toast myself. Days out were to Pets at Home, library, museums, park. Sometimes we could afford to go swimming.

There is nothing wrong with feeling bitterness and -yes - resentment towards others, particularly those who were being supported by an OH.

But I changed the way I thought, I tried to focus on the positives and taught myself that the only one to suffer through my bitterness was me.

I did become happier, and I was lucky to get my finances sorted and a new job.

We went on holiday three years ago, the first since DD was a baby.

It is hard and I do have to fight the urge to dwell on what I don't have, but it doesn't last long.

You sound lovely

Sorry haven't read whole thread but what kind of friend tells you about her savings?! I actually have ?20k inheritance in the bank at the moment but there's no way in hell I'd tell anyone as its so personal!

YANBU.
Money problems suck! It affects everything.
Some really good suggestions of cheap things to do from pp though.
Good luck for the future.

Hey OP,

You know all these things but I will repeat them!!

• some people would give everything and anything to have 2 children;
• material goods mean nothing;
• it's all about attitude - write down everything you are grateful for (google "gratitude diary"). Bet you're richer than you think. It's cheesy but did your kid smile at you today?
• don't compare yourself to what you see on Facebook or what people brag about. Bet your friends miss out the part about having a massive mortgage or worrying their 6-fig salary DH is shagging his secretary.
• It's ok to feel a bit down sometimes but it's YOUR responsibility to set a good example to your kids about being grateful and making the best of what you DO have. Don't be a slave to the miseries. Take control of your attitude.
• Just think of all the people who would LOVE to swap places with you...

Good luck to you.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable to feel down about it and it's great to get it out your system but it may not help change things. I think it's okay to say to people, I'm envious of what you have but its not okay to be bitter. I think they have a right to be proud of their circumstances and it will hurt less to be pleased for them. If they're true friends you can be honest and say for example, sorry I can't afford the hen but I'd love to have you round for dinner.

Oh wow...just got my little dudes settled and read all of the replies - I feel a bit emotional and just had a bit of a cry - don't judge! I'm just a bit overwhelmed and touched by the extremely nice things people have said

Apologies if I miss anyone out in answering.

MintJulip I don't have a car :( but I have heard of those free recycling groups and did actually join one years ago but no one ever answered my enquiries! I should re-join I think, definitely worth trying.

shouldbeironing100 The boys are 9 and 12 and a half, the older one plays with his friends sometimes but loves spending time with family, he is very sensitive and worries about me and our financial situation. Our assessment is only in the early stages, I think he may have Aspergers and OCD so we have a long road ahead of us.

Oh also Shady I assumed you did have to have a diagnosis to claim DLA, thanks for that info about us not needing one, I will try to apply.

I like the sound of the Guinness book of records at the library

Reading is a huge pleasure of mine, my background is in English Lit & Language and I love creative writing. Better not say what I used to do in case of being outed but I got to use these skills somewhat. I want to go to college or uni but am worried my health will hinder me. I have depression, adjustment disorder (from my relationship with DC's dad, horrendous) and sensory issues. And social anxiety :( Plus chronic pain conditions which can affect me sporadically (migraine, nerve problems).

And shouldbe your ideas are NOT annoying in any way, I'm so grateful you took the time to talk to me :)

Finallyonboard You are right, I'm incredibly lucky. Thinking of your situation and wishing only good things for you.

I get you regina I have support and it means the world to me, and my heart does actually hurt thinking about people who don't have anyone, so I never take that for granted.

To answer about the 'Chinese-gate' situation - I got the hints that she didn't want to pay for me, she said her DH would want lots to eat so if I wanted any I'd have to get separate dishes and she supposed she could lend it to me but can I pay it back by tomorrow? I didn't want to be a burden so made an excuse and said I'm gonna eat at home then left.

The friend that told me about the savings, known her for 30 years and our lives have gone in very different directions, she's so happy, well off, wants for nothing really. It came up in conversation about savings and she blurted it out - I was shocked!

Thanks to posters who said I'm a good mum, that means more to me than anything to be honest and is worth so much to me. I do feel loads better for getting thoughts out there

In the park earlier, I looked at the sun setting and thought it looked beautiful, it hit me that it wouldn't look any more beautiful if I was a millionaire with everything money could buy. I know I am lucky to just be able to see it.

Aww, OP, that was a really nice post.

You're right - if you have your health, eyesight and family, you have things that a million dollars couldn't buy.

And I guarantee you that six-fig DH is shagging his secretary!

You are a truly lovely person. I can tell that by the way you talk about your family and the things that you do together. It's exhausting and worrying being hard up though. I do hope things improve for you.

OP - don't think of yourself as a loser. Remember that you are dealing with your own ill health, raising kids alone, escaped from a traumatic relationship AND getting a DX for your kid. That's a shit load of stress to get through every day, and it sounds like you're doing a great job of it. You're doing better than just surviving, and your kids clearly love you.

The person wanting Chinese sounds like a bitch. If I had someone at my house that I knew couldn't afford it, I would either pay for them (without even mentioning the money) or not have any. I've happily scoffed down jacket potato and beans because that was all my friend could afford, and I was glad to have a friend to sit and chat/eat with.

Thank you leftmyridingcrop, and yeah you just never can tell what's going on behind closed doors, we all have our problems and the perfect life isn't always that perfect, I need to realise this.

Thanks lilymay and kickassangel - it overwhelms me some days, everything going on and I do feel ashamed that I've not done 'better' my parents often tell me they worry, I feel they are disappointed but hope not.

I agree about the jacket potato, its the company that matters. The person who ordered the Chinese can be incredibly tight with money which I don't understand.

Ooh sorry missed that bit. Op if you have mental and physical issues you should be entitled to pip if you don't already get it. That is a potential extra £400pm as you will get your other benefits supplemented. If you apply for ska for your son that will be another £300 plus extras a month, so you could actually be missing out on £700pm.

Dla