Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to not want him to be called Dad?

66 replies

AnimatedDad · 03/08/2015 08:40

my ex and I share our childcare equally. the children are with her for half the week and live with me the rest of the time.

the kids arrived home yesterday saying that my ex had decided they should call her (live in) boyfriend, 'Dad' and his parents 'granny and granddad'

I can't work out whether this is:

a) just a natural progression of their relationship and none of my business anyway

b) an utterly unacceptable manipulation of the children's feelings and a thoughtless attempt to minimise my contribution to their lives which I should be objecting to in the strongest terms.

I FEEL that it's (b) but I'm aware that my feelings are not the most important ones and my perspective isn't the most objective.

what do you think ?

OP posts:

liquidrevolution · 03/08/2015 12:13

My stepdad has been my stepdad for nearly 30 years since I was 12. I still call him by his name even though I am no contact with my real dad.

It is unacceptable.

borisgudanov · 03/08/2015 12:22

Totally out of order. YANBU. I would be going berserk and asking my solicitor to send her a stiff letter about parental alienation.

If it were him who were asking them to call him "dad" it'd be all I could to to refrain from rearranging his fucking features. HTF dare they?

wheresthelight · 03/08/2015 17:45

My dscs call my parents Granny Name and Grandpa Name but they asked if it was ok once I found out I was pregnant. Dsd who was 7 at the time said she didn't want the baby to be confused so asked if would be ok. I knew it would be but I suggested she asked them herself. Once she stopped crying mum said yes.

I think where key adults in their lives are concerned it is respectful to call them something more than just their names but the ex's boyfriend is just that, he isn't their dad so for me that is just wrong

Hulababy · 03/08/2015 17:49

Dad - no, not on. Not unless both of you fully agreed on it being the right way forward. But there is no way i would have wanted my DD calling anyone else mum, so I really disagree that she should be encouraging your children to call her boyfriend dad. I would put my foot down.

Granny/Grandpa - don't think this would bother me. Children often have more than one person they call a grandparent.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/08/2015 17:52

I don't hold with anyone who is not related being called mum dad granny granddad unless you are or the child is being adopted so making you such then you should just be what ever your actual name is.

And I don't think its something young children should have a choice in they should be told "no they are x"

BlackeyedSusan · 03/08/2015 18:03

ouch that would hurt. yanbu. how you raise it though, is more difficult. have you got a girlfriend? how would ex feel about them calling her mum?

Enkopkaffetak · 03/08/2015 18:21

I call my stepdad of 40years by his name. He is not my father i have one.

my children call him grandad he deserves that title after that many years.

i called his dearly loved parenta by their name they came into my lige age 5

WorzelsCornyBrows · 03/08/2015 18:24

My stepdad has been in my life for nearly 30 years, my own DF all but cut contact when I was a child. I call stepdad by his name and my children don't call him Grandpa, they have an affectionate name for him based on his first name.

Yanbu at all!

FantasticButtocks · 03/08/2015 20:23

This is so wrong. I go with B.

The only time I think this is ok is if the child has not known their real father, through death or abandonment and another man has stepped up to be a father to the dc. Otherwise, it is an absolute insult.

My own DF would have been so hurt if we'd called any of my mother's husbands someone else dad and he would have had strong words. I would nip this in the bud in the strongest terms with both your EX and the man going by the name of 'dad'. And let your DCs know gently by simply correcting them when they say it and say: step-dad, or Brian, not Dad. I'm Dad, ok, no one else can ever be that. I'd not worry about the GPs at this stage.

Doublebubblebubble · 03/08/2015 20:39

Yanbu -at all- how long have they even been together? Do they share children? Does he have children of his own? As others have said your ex would probably find it completely unacceptable the other way round. I would have a word with their mum and say that it just isn't appropriate for them to be calling him that. How old are your children? I think that and I might be wrong here that ig they are young they might be more easily lead by their mother. I know that when my dad remarried again (they are now divorced - my dad goes through wives like henry VIII) i was never encouraged to call her anything but her name...

honeyroar · 03/08/2015 20:55

I agree that it's totally wrong unless the dad is dead/totally absent. I'd never want my stepson to call me mum. He has one. My husband's ex tried to insist my stepson spent Father's Day with her second husband (instead of my husband, his dad)and bought him gifts. I think she would have gone down the calling him daddy route too, but luckily they got divorced the following year.

That said, my SIL's children call their stepdad dad as their dad wasn't around that much when they were toddlers. Now they are in their 20s and have had a good relationship with their dad too, so they call them both dad. A bit strange, but they all seem fine about it (I don't know if their real dad is).

NewLife4Me · 03/08/2015 21:02

Definitely b.
YANBU whoever suggested it is.
Have a chat with your dc tell them you are proud to be their Dad and you only get one. Other male figures may come and go in their lives, they may have a good relationship with a step dad, but you and ONLY you are their dad. Nobody else can have that title.
I'm sure they'll go back and repeat this with all the pride of being your dc.
Have never experienced anything like this, but feel so strongly about it.

froggyjump · 03/08/2015 22:45

some children I know who acquired a step dad very young (and quite quickly) called him daddy first name (e.g. daddy steve) and their bio dad just daddy. I think in their circumstance, both these men were in their lives as they were learning to talk etc, so it came naturally.

in your case, it is a different matter, and they should get to choose what they call the adults in their lives, not be dictated by one parent.

TheCatsMother99 · 03/08/2015 22:59

I might be a bit over the top but it's slightly offensive, you are their dad and very much involved in their lives... It's not as though he has taken on the role of their father because you've buggered off

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 03/08/2015 23:04

YANBU. DD's best friend refers to her birth father as The Fuckwit and The Sperm Donor, but her dearly beloved stepdad by his name. As you're neither a fuckwit nor a mere donor, you are Dad. I would be having Words.

hibbleddible · 03/08/2015 23:08

This is completely unreasonable of her, and I would also say deliberately hurtful to you.

Does your ex have form for being unkind towards you?

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread