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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want him to be called Dad?

66 replies

AnimatedDad · 03/08/2015 08:40

my ex and I share our childcare equally. the children are with her for half the week and live with me the rest of the time.

the kids arrived home yesterday saying that my ex had decided they should call her (live in) boyfriend, 'Dad' and his parents 'granny and granddad'

I can't work out whether this is:

a) just a natural progression of their relationship and none of my business anyway

b) an utterly unacceptable manipulation of the children's feelings and a thoughtless attempt to minimise my contribution to their lives which I should be objecting to in the strongest terms.

I FEEL that it's (b) but I'm aware that my feelings are not the most important ones and my perspective isn't the most objective.

what do you think ?

OP posts:

MustBeLoopy390 · 03/08/2015 09:44

Yanbu if the mum has pushed this on them. my dd has infrequent contact with her bio dad and has been brought up by my dh, she chose to call her stepdad 'daddy A' and her bio dad 'daddy J'. How is the line of communication between you and your ex? It may be worth bringing this up with her in a non-confrontational kind of way 'oh DC said you've asked them to call P dad, how did DC feel about this when you asked them?' And maybe go from there?

Aeroflotgirl · 03/08/2015 09:48

Yanbu at all, you are Dad, you sound very involved in yiur children's lives, this woukd be offensive. I woukd be having words with your ex, if she is encouragingt tge kids to call her boyfriend dad, he is not!

Aeroflotgirl · 03/08/2015 09:50

If your parents are granny and grandad, this us totally wrong and irresponsible of your ex. I woukd have a talk with her about thus. When children are with you, refer to yourself as DAd, as you are. How confusing for them.

TheTravellingLemon · 03/08/2015 09:56

This is wrong, I'm sorry. My mum has been with my stepdad over 30 years, since I was a very small child and I have no contact with DF.

I still call him by his name though, I would have felt very awkward being asked to call his anything else. I think it's really manipulative of your ex and unfair to force it upon your kids, your own feelings aside.

Neither DH nor I have a 'real dad' and both stepdads are called by their first name, but referred to as Grandad by our kids.

FuckOffPeppa · 03/08/2015 10:02

It has to be the children's choice. As someone who was made to call stepdad "Dad", and horribly resented it, I would've really appreciated being asked my opinion!

irretating · 03/08/2015 10:05

I'd go with b) as well. My ex tried to pull this stunt with his wife, our DCs came home talking about 'mum and dad' taking them to such and such a place. I nipped that in the bud straight away.

DCs 1 and 2 call my husband by his first name, they always have done.

CommanderShepard · 03/08/2015 10:10

My stepdad has been my stepdad for 20+ years and I still call him by his name - I have no contact with my biological father since my teens. That said, I do refer to him and DM as my parents.

MammaTJ · 03/08/2015 10:10

I go for b an utterly unacceptable manipulation of the children's feelings and a thoughtless attempt to minimise my contribution to their lives which I should be objecting to in the strongest terms.

Having been a very involved step mum, who Step D ended up living with, not speaking to her mum, I would never allow her to call me Mum! She had a Mum and it was not me. She did try to call me it on several occasions but I always corrected her. I would have been upset when my H left me and then our DD lived with him if she had called the OW Mum too.

I have DP living with me, DD would never call him Dad, the nearest she gets is when wanting a lift somewhere is 'My lovely Step Daddy, you know you love me'.

If you were not on the scene, not and engaged and interested parent, it would be different.

happymummyone · 03/08/2015 10:13

Only natural for you to feel this way. I know my DP is desperate for my daughter to call him dad, but I refuse to tell her to, if their relationship progresses to a point that she feels ready to, she can, although I worry her real dad who she sees regularly and is a fantastic dad would feel put out, both me and DP feel this is the last thing we want to do. On the other hand, DDs step mum is fantastic and I'd be only too happy for her to be called mum, she deserves it, she loves my daughter as if she were her own.

CruCru · 03/08/2015 10:13

YANBU. Have you decided how you will raise this.

happymummyone · 03/08/2015 10:14

But I do call my stepdad 'dad' because I don't see my real dad.

BerylStreep · 03/08/2015 10:17

The only couple I know where the 'non-Dad' is called 'Dad' was in completely different circumstances.

The bio Dad had not been in contact for years, the 'non-Dad' had been in the DD's life since she was a baby, and they went on to have 2 more DC together, so it would have been weird having the eldest call him something different. I remember it coming up in conversation once, and he said, 'Well as far as I am concerned, I am her Dad'.

Totally different set of circumstances.

What do the DC think, and how old are they?

I can understand you feeling really upset at this. Do you have the type of relationship where you can discuss it?

CatMilkMan · 03/08/2015 10:17

YANBU it should be completely up to the children, I don't think they should be encouraged either way.

Original poster

AnimatedDad · 03/08/2015 10:22

thank you!

the children are 5 and 7 and frequently call me by his name (accidentally) so I'm sure the reverse happens, but I correct them and id expect my ex to do the same.
I do feel upset, but its often hard to separate your own feelings from what's really reasonable (I think that's the trap she's fallen into)

OP posts:

Sometimesjustonesecond · 03/08/2015 10:26

I think this is very wrong and there's no way I would allow it if I were you.

Its not like you are an absent father and the step dad has raised them. He's not even a step dad ffs - he's just the mum's boyfriend. She could have another one in 5 minutes time.

I think that trying to airbrush their real dad out of their lives ( when said dad is actively involved in their lives) is damaging and I would be getting legal advice regarding her fitness as a parent because I think this is a shitty thing to do to both you are her dc. She is not putting their best interests first. This hasnt evolved folloeing a really long term relationship where he is raising them - this is a decision she has made.

TheFormidableMrsC · 03/08/2015 10:30

This is absolutely unacceptable. It really is. Children need to have boundaries in this respect. My STBXH has encouraged my DS to call OW's parents "Grandma and Granddad" and seemed surprised when I completely objected to this. My son has two sets of Grandparents of his own, OW's parents are NOT his grandparents and I would prefer they were called by their names. Neither would I ever encourage my children to call a DP "Dad", it's just not on. I really don't understand people who do this.

TheRealAmyLee · 03/08/2015 10:32

I was forced to call a step parent dad and I really resented it. I wanted to make that choice myself. Imo it should be the CHILDS choice. To me it isn't an issue to call 2 people dad or mum if both are fullfilling this role but the issue is removing the choice from the child.

DreamingOfADifferentMe · 03/08/2015 10:36

I think it needs to be led by the children every time and never instigated by the parents as is so often the case.

I have a dad and a step-dad and have always called both Dad (my step dad has been around since I was 2) and it was my decision, apparently.

My ex-husband and I split up when our son was 4 and when my now-husband and I got married when he was 7, (we'd been together two years at this point) my son asked if he could call him Daddy ('as you're my daddy at home, and Daddy is my daddy at his house') which we could understand but we were reluctant, especially as my ex is strong presence in our son's life and we didn't want to undermine that, or upset my ex.

Instead, we compromised and he calls him a version of it, without them being the same name. My son's explanation was that 'everyone else calls him (my DH) by his name, but he's not my friend, he's like my daddy' and he wanted a different, special name for him. Everything has been led by him, and I would never have forced him to call my husband anything.

TheFormidableMrsC · 03/08/2015 10:47

Further to my post above re : Grandparents, I should point out that my STBXH was my DD's step-father. He was always called by his name, there was never any discussion about him being called anything other than that. She has a Dad and he is a strong presence in her life. It would have been very disrespectful to him to have done that. Unfortunately, my STBXH seems to think the can just swan into another family, shoehorn my DS into it and everybody should be happy being inappropriately labelled. I feel very strongly about this subject.

thesnailandthewhale · 03/08/2015 10:50

YANBU. Her new partner is exactly that, not their Dad. I know its not the same but I ventured onto facebook earlier for the first time in months and saw that my MIL posted a message to her husband (been together 4 years so relatively new in all our lives) wishing him a happy fathers day from her, dp, me and my son. I'm fuming. He's NOT my father, my Dad dies two years ago and no-one could ever replace him. I feel angry that she included me and my son (who has his own dad obviously) on this naff message.

Iwantobreakfree · 03/08/2015 10:50

My oldest Dd calls her stepdad dad,but this was her choice and a natural progression,her bio dad has never been in the picture,it was neither encouraged or discouraged.
IF her bio dad was in her life,he would be dad.

GoblinLittleOwl · 03/08/2015 11:10

You are justified in being concerned. This man is not your children's father, you are, and he is not in a permanent legal relationship with their mother or with them, through marriage. This sort of quasi- relationship causes much distress to the children if/when it breaks up; make your objections, and the reasons for them, known to your ex-wife.
Personally, I resent the term step-father/mother when the natural parents are alive; I always thought it was used only when the original parents were deceased, (as in Snow-white), but apparently it is legal terminology following marriage.

squoosh · 03/08/2015 11:15

Way out of order. Must be so hurtful for you. You need to speak to your ex and tell her this isn't on.

She's doing her children a disservice by encouraging/allowing this.

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 03/08/2015 11:18

Can't stand parents encouraging kids to call non-bio partners Dad/Mum. YANBU and I would say something to her.

LittleLionMansMummy · 03/08/2015 11:43

YANBU and the answer is b.

I empathise as this happened to my dh with his daughters. It's completely wrong when their father is completely involved in their lives. I have known my stepdaughter for 13 years and have always thought it important to say that although I love them very much I am not their mum - they have a mum and I am their stepmum. It is an undermining tactic used to minimise the other parent's involvement. Furthermore I believe it ultimately damages the relationship between birth father and children, in part because this is usually a symptom of a pattern of behaviour on the ex's part to marginalise the father from their lives - either knowingly or inadvertently.

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