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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's inappropriate for NRP to have phone access to DC at all times?

36 replies

AlmondAmy · 02/08/2015 22:39

DD is 8 and returned from contact on Friday having been bought a phone by her father. He has never had phone contact with her, though it's always been on offer. She hasn't played since she returned, she's just sat fiddling with it and and taking selfies. She cried because I said she couldn't have it at all times and said that if her father wants to speak to her he needs to arrange an appropriate time with me - yesterday he called during dinner and then at 9.45 pm.

I think 8 is too young to have a phone but have said she can have 30 mins per day where she can call/email dad or play games. Aibu?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 02/08/2015 22:46

Yanbu at all, from your previous threads, your ex is abusive and using this as a form of control. I would keep it and limit the time she spends on it. If he wants, he can call the house at an appropriate time.

WorraLiberty · 02/08/2015 22:46

I think it's a nice thing as long as the NRP isn't abusive or anything.

But like anything else, you need to put rules in place about switching it off at meal times and bed times etc.

Right now it's a novelty because it's new. If you don't make a bit thing of it, she'll probably lose interest in it soon enough anyway.

VitaminCrumpet · 02/08/2015 22:49

YANBU. 8 is far too young for phone. It's not a toy. Look after the phone yourself. If her dad texts or calls, you can pass it over. She can play on it when she visits her dad.

MammaTJ · 02/08/2015 23:07

I came on to say that phone access should be on the same basis that anyone has phone access to me, in that if it suits me to answer I will, but if it does not, I won't.

This situation is different though. Phone goes off at mealtimes, bedtime, homework time and any other time you see fit. This is an 8 year old, a young child!

He is using it to control you.

He will probably throw it in your face at some later date that your DD was awake at 9.45pm to answer the phone, when in fact it probably woke her.

So no, this NRP should not have phone access at all times, but you can control this and even use it to your advantage when she is with him! Grin

Wolfiefan · 02/08/2015 23:12

Perhaps avoid having to deal with him by just saying no phone during or after dinner? Limit phone use like any gadget during the day?

balletgirlmum · 02/08/2015 23:17

Well she won't be able to take it to school will she?

I think 8 is far too young. Assuming you have a landline he can call her on that.

Definatly set a rule of no phone during mealtimes, after bedtime or when engaged in an activity/day out.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/08/2015 23:57

I'd set some type of 'phone hours' where she can have the phone with her, but that it will be put away other than then. I think most of us had that in one form or another growing up. I know my parents didn't allow me to receive/make phone calls at all hours.

I'm sure her father went on about being able to 'talk to daddy any time you want!' knowing that you would have to do something to limit it.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 03/08/2015 00:46

If you're feeling nice send him an email saying the phone will be switched on between 4-5pm each day and he can phone then if he wishes.

If you're not, tell him that she has no need of a phone when she's with you, and that you'll make sure she has it when he has contact but other than that it will remain switched off and out of reach.

The child is 8, no eight year old needs a sodding mobile!

Lelania · 03/08/2015 00:49

8 is very young to have a phone. But my boyfriend would be very upset if his ex restricted phone contact with his daughters. He just calls her phone and she passes it over to the children which I assumed was normal. Is there a back story?

SurlyCue · 03/08/2015 00:54

My 8 year old wouldnt have a phone. Regardless of who bought it for them. So in your shoes i would be taking it from her completely and telling him that.

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 03/08/2015 01:25

8 is a bit young for a phone. But I got ds one when he was 9. After a fight with xp, about ds not wanting to speak at THAT INSTANT as he was playing lego with his mate.

So x texted ds.

Ds replied an hour later, when he was ready.

He got the cheapest, most basic phone I could get.

No need for camera, Internet or anything else!

I agree with the above posts.

Off at meal times, homework time etc.

Set a time each day when it's ok for her dad to call and text.

And don't be too upset when it runs out of battery/credit.

Ethylred · 03/08/2015 03:10

"She cried because I said ... that if her father wants to speak to her he needs to arrange an appropriate time with me"

Well I'd cry too if my mother tried to come between me and my father in this way.

NicoleWatterson · 03/08/2015 03:16

Surely this is two issues?
Phone contact
Being bought a phone at 8.

Phone contact yabu, they should be able to communicate freely

Being bought a phone at 8 yanbu and it should have been discussed with you. E.g rules, type etc etc

whothehellknows · 03/08/2015 05:01

I've considered buying a phone for DD (7) for a similar set up. Not one with loads of gadgets that she would play with, but a basic phone with both her dad's and my number in.

The difference is that he wouldn't usually try to contact HER, it would be for her to ring or text him when she's with me and vice versa. Instead, I've actually gone with Maily, an app for her tablet that allows her to email family members with my supervision. It's sweet that she can let everybody know what she is up to, but it also means I can see what is being messaged and when, so things happen at appropriate times.

If past abuse or control issues are in play, then I would probably insist that the phone be switched off at my house or just left at his, and re-iterate that phone contact can be made through the landline.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/08/2015 05:07

I think it is unreasonable for you to insist he pre-arranges a time with you when he can call his DD; but you have the control to switch it off when it's inconvenient for it to be on, so over mealtimes, during the schoolday, at night.
Then your ex can leave a message, or send a text.

It is completely U for him to expect he can have access to your DD any hour he feels like it.

But your DD should feel able to send him a text when she feels like it (within the hours that it's on).

Aeroflotgirl · 03/08/2015 07:46

There is back issues with Almond and her ex which she needs to highlight on here, unless you have read her pervious threads you will not be aware of.

JuneIsBustingOutAllOver · 03/08/2015 10:25

Op - just wondering would it work both ways, ie you'd be able to phone your dd anytime when she's with her dad? If so, it might be worth letting her have it switch on when it's convenient for you and put on silent when you're eating etc and switched off at bedtime.

SaucyJack · 03/08/2015 10:42

Under usual circs. then YABU- aside from school hours/bed time yadda yadda yadda.

I gather there's a back-story tho.

Tuskerfull · 03/08/2015 12:14

IMO "said that if her father wants to speak to her he needs to arrange an appropriate time with me" is unreasonable, based on the information you're giving.

But other posters seem to know about a backstory that makes it unreasonable to set these kind of boundaries.

YABU for not giving appropriate context!

Original poster
AlmondAmy · 03/08/2015 22:45

I don't think it's unreasonable that phone contact be arranged between adults, even if there wasn't a history (of abuse.) Being able to call whenever is intrusive and could lead to fall out if she repeatedly misses calls, whereas if a time is arranged then it can be set aside so she isn't distracted etc.

I think it's just a device to cause a row between DD and I tbh. He knew I wouldn't be happy with her having it 24/7 and that she wouldn't be happy if I restrict her usage. I've told her she can call him whenever she likes on my phone when we're free and she isn't interested - it's the novelty of being grown up and having a phone she likes.

I'm going to tell him he can have it back if he doesn't like my restrictions but I'll no doubt be accused of blocking contact.

OP posts:
TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 03/08/2015 22:51

I think it's unreasonable to limit phone contact to times pre-arranged with another adult. Why on earth should a parent and child have to be like that? A parent is a parent. It's nice to be able to chat whenever, you know like they would if the parent was still living with them.

However, I wouldn't buy an 8 year old a phone (unless it was because the resident parent was funny about phonecalls...) and if he's abusive then I would be concerned.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 03/08/2015 22:53

How is being able to phone your own child, on their own phone, intrustive? It doesn't impinge on your life in any way

TracyBarlow · 03/08/2015 22:53

Can you delete all apps / internet access / games off the phone so it's only used for calls to her dad?

If you can do that then I would let her have it with her during the daytime then your ex can't accuse you of blocking access.

If you can't delete the games etc then treat it as shy other screen and allow her to use it during a reasonable amount of screen time per day.

Original poster
AlmondAmy · 03/08/2015 23:02

Of course it's intrusive - if we're having a family day out and she sits on the phone the whole time then that's affecting her time with me. I wouldn't expect to be able to call her and interrupt her time there either.

OP posts:
TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 03/08/2015 23:08

If one of your friends of family members phones you at any time that isn't prearranged, do you find it intrusive?! I'd guess (hope) not, you either learn to not answer, say you're busy or if you would enjoy that conversation more than what you are doing you would answer it and have a good old natter, right?

Surely your daughter can learn that?

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