to think it's inappropriate for NRP to have phone access to DC at all times?

[AlmondAmy]

DD is 8 and returned from contact on Friday having been bought a phone by her father. He has never had phone contact with her, though it's always been on offer. She hasn't played since she returned, she's just sat fiddling with it and and taking selfies. She cried because I said she couldn't have it at all times and said that if her father wants to speak to her he needs to arrange an appropriate time with me - yesterday he called during dinner and then at 9.45 pm.

I think 8 is too young to have a phone but have said she can have 30 mins per day where she can call/email dad or play games. Aibu?

I'm sorry to hear your ex was/is abusive, and hope you are ok.

Re phone, in general I would think it is good for her to have a phone to be able to contact you/her dad as needed when not with you/him. However, clearly, as she is eight, there will be lots of time (school, mealtimes, homework times, play dates, bed times) when you need to ensure she is not being distracted by the phone.

If possible I would email ex with parameters for phone use, try to get his agreement. And you take the phone at the times when it's not appropriate for her to have it. He does same when she is in his care.

But if he's an abusive twat, this may not work out. In which case, you should just do what you feel is right for her.

In your situation Almond, with ex being abusive, I am aware of some of your background because of your past threads, it is a form of control, I would limit the time she has it, and delete some of the apps. If ex wants to call his dd he can call your landline, very reasonable.

I don't think having it turned off during meal times/late at night is a bad thing. Most parents limit technology time and this is no different.

However i would let the calling when he wants thing run for a bit. If he is calling 5 times a day then I would put a limit on it as that is a bit much but tbh I think the novelty will wear off for him and your DD.

Remove any inappropriate apps but just see how it goes.

I think the best would be, as I mentioned up thread, to set 'phone hours' just as you would with any phone, landline or mobile. If he chooses to call 5 times during those hours, then fine. But NOT during meal times, homework time, nor after bedtime during the school week. Summer breaks and weekends, I'd set more liberal hours abut switch it off if you are doing activities or it's 'chore time' (assuming she has chores) during those hours, and at mealtimes. I'd also insist that the phone be kept in a 'public area' and not in her bedroom. Then just monitor the number and nature of the calls. It may very well be that they will start to decrease over time when he realizes that you are being reasonable and that he's not 'getting to you'.

I'd watch for him telling her to 'go into another room' to talk, for her using the phone to 'tattle' to him about you ("I'm calling Daddy on you!"), or him using the phone to keep tabs on or criticize you or your parenting. If that starts to happen, the phone gets returned to him or switched off and put away.

i dont think its a problem, but then my niece and nephew have a mobile because their mother refuses to give DB her home phone number.

Then again, she also refuses to tell them that he is calling the mobile he gave them so he can call to say goodnight to them and if they don't hear it themselves, he doesn't get to speak to them.. she also doesn't bother to charge it, so she's basically stopping him communicating with his children outside of the agreed contact.

Phones can be used to control both RP and NRP if one decides to be difficult.

Surely a child should have access to both parents whenever they want to? If a parent isn't in a position to be able to communicate with the child, (work, meetings, whatever) that is a different story but it really limits the child's ability to build up decent ongoing relationships with both parents if both are intent on ensuring 'their' time with the child isn't intruded upon in any way by the other parent. That's controlling behaviour on the part of both parents and the only one who suffers is the child.

If both parents cannot find a way forward that allows them to be in the same room as the child in a civilised manner then the needs of the child are not being put first. It doesn't matter who did what, when, to who in the relationship, the issue is the welfare of the child which is totally separate to the relationship between the adults.

I would have hated it if my parents separated and I couldn't speak to one parent when I felt like it whilst with the other. I know of others who have managed to get to a stage where the child can speak with whichever parent it wants to when it needs to and some of those parental relationships have been crazy! Both parents make valid contributions to the welfare of the child in different ways which means there will be times when one parent will be better suited to supporting a child than the other parent.

To deny the child access to that support system is not healthy for them.

Are children that age normally in bed at 9:45?

Seams quite late to be ringing people.

I think a lot of people who think it's reasonable to have unrestricted phone contact perhaps may not be thinking anything other than a quick chat to say night or how's your day been.
Where as a lot of us who think restricting it is not a bad thing may have come across more unreasonable people who don't come across people who use smart phones to say track their ex's or manipulate the children or to alienate them, but it is not as unusual as you would think

Tell him she dropped it down the toilet

8 is too young for a mobile phone. I would take it off her.

With mobiles with apps and stuff I do know my dc sits glued to the thing unless I restrict use. 8 is not an appropriate age for a smartphone, she won't do anything apart from play on it obsessively. It's not healthy.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having a set call time. If DD wants to call her father that's up to her and she could presumably ask op to be able to do that.

Sparkle I think part of the issue here is that in a home where parents are living together, one parent usually doesn't disrupt the other parent's interactions with their child. If DH was out playing catch with DC, I wouldn't have walked out and disrupted them just so I could talk to DC. I would have seen them and waited. And if we were sitting down to dinner, DH wouldn't suddenly jump up and say 'Let's go play ball', he would wait until dinner is over. In the case of separated parents the NRP wouldn't know that the RP and child were having 'one on one' time, which by the way is very important to both parent and child, or that they were sitting down to eat. 'Phone hours' serve the same purpose. It lets the RP get on with their time with the child and gives the NRP times in which to call for their own time.