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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not feeding guests?

424 replies

ReginaFelangi · 02/08/2015 21:14

Just wondering if I ABU.

Some friends are throwing a party. It's a big anniversary at a village hall and has been organised for months. They have lots of friends going. Most are having to travel quite a long distance and have booked hotels at £60+ for the night.

A few weeks back guests were told no drinks would be provided. Now it's clear they're not providing any food either.

I'm not really sure what the point is anymore. I would never arrange a party with no food or drinks! Do you think this is unreasonable?

OP posts:
barbecue · 03/08/2015 15:11

You throw a party, you provide the food. Then when you go to someone else's party they treat you to nice food themselves.

Bunbaker · 03/08/2015 15:17

I think that not only does it show the "hosts" up (and I use that word in the loosest sense) as being extremely tight, it makes them look like they simply couldn't be bothered to make an effort.

BitOfFun · 03/08/2015 15:59

I'd just type back "You do realise how far some people are coming for a few bowls of crisps?"

GrumpyOldBiddy2 · 03/08/2015 16:03

I might have missed this but how well do you know them?

If it was a good friend If be tempted to just say to them 'I really think you need to provide food at your party given that people are coming so far. Could I help with that?'

If you don't know them well enough for that I wouldn't go, I'd enjoy the night away and go to an all you can eat buffet.

ElementaryMyDearWatson · 03/08/2015 16:07

Do you know whether they've formally told everyone that they're not providing food or drink? I'd be fascinated to know how many suddenly remember prior engagements or get headaches on the day of the party.

Sazzle41 · 03/08/2015 16:12

There was mention of crisps That made me laugh! Because they are a real treat/delicacy when you have driven miles/made an effort!!! If money is so tight why did they fork out for a venue? Surely have it at home then have decent food and drink? Surely if they are that skint they could have had it at home, said bring a bottle then forked out on decent nibbles. As other poster said, it makes them look tight/cheap/mean.

DanielCraigInHisSwimmingTrunks · 03/08/2015 16:26

What exactly have they been organising for months then ...
Seriously, a big fat NO!
I would start thinking of a very good excuse OR I would start the food/drink committee as they clearly need 'help'!
Good luck OP!

marinacortina · 03/08/2015 16:32

How many of the other guests do you know, OP? Could you get together and make a group booking in a nice restaurant somewhere not too far away, take your time over the meal and rock up at the "party" about 11pm?

TendonQueen · 03/08/2015 16:36

I don't see why you have to be the bad guy here - which you will be if you tell them they should provide food (which of course they should) when they've clearly decided already that they aren't going to, and have told everyone so. They have presumably been to parties themselves and know that providing some kind of buffet at the very least is the done thing. Let them commit social suicide if they want. Their choice. People like this a) never listen to criticism anyway, so even if you speak to them it won't help, and b) always make it someone else's fault, so if you tell them they're wrong, they will most likely decide you're being horrible and fall out with you rather than change their own plans.

Your best tack is to get out of going. Sudden illness in the week of the party is probably best. How did your DH end up agreeing to do the entertainment anyway? Take it no offer of payment or even of petrol money or free hotel room ever surfaced?

PuppyMonkey · 03/08/2015 16:40

I went to a 40th recently in a hired room in a hotel, where there was a bar (to buy your own drinks) and no food except "some doughnuts for the kids." Confused

We all told her she needed to do food or ask hotel to do it, but no she really isn't that fussed about eating so there was no shifting her.

We went to party and not only did it lack food, it just had no soul - there was no focus without a buffet/ something. Worst do I've ever attended. Never again.

Otoh the hostess enjoyed it. Grin

Floggingmolly · 03/08/2015 16:40

All that so they can show up at the "party" to hand over their gifts, marina? Why would anyone bother, seriously?

marinacortina · 03/08/2015 17:04

To make a point, molly? That's assuming that people are still going.

I wouldn't go, myself. I wouldn't even make an excuse. Just say, sorry, we won't be coming. End of.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/08/2015 17:20

It sounds as if they don't have the money now, for whatever reason. Very strange.

Original poster
ReginaFelangi · 03/08/2015 17:24

When they first said there was going to be a party we said we were free and would be there. It was supposed to be a family friendly event starting at about 5pm. They were stuck for entertainment as they wanted something everyone could enjoy. OH said he could do his set, minus swearing, and as we'd be there anyway he'd be happy to do it for nothing.

Now the timing has changed (making it a nightmare for people with children), they decided against hiring a bar because "we could all buy drinks cheaper from the supermarket ourselves" and now there's no food either. I suspect OH pulling out would be a blessing for us would have us being blamed for the party being a flop (especially if I try to change their minds about food).

I've had a chat with a few others I know that are going this afternoon and they've heard that a very loud band us also been hired, and that that's probably where the buffet money has gone. Very loud band and children? Doesn't really sound like what it was supposed to be to me at all.

I'm feeling very conflicted about this now. Sad

OP posts:
sadwidow28 · 03/08/2015 17:28

I can't believe this thread .... no drinks, no food, DH providing the FREE entertainment. I feel like I have landed in a parallel universe that I simply don't understand.

I have been more than happy to do a 'cover-dish' as we call them if someone is seriously strapped for cash. When everyone's dishes all come together on the buffet table it can be quite breath-taking. (Mind you, people spend the night saying "Who made this? It's lovely!")

Now the nearest I ever got to what you are suggesting was my lovely cleaner's 40th wedding anniversary. She had to have a knee operation a few months before the party and couldn't work. I'd given her a couple of weeks' holiday pay whilst she was off recuperating but I couldn't cover the whole 8 weeks for her. When she was at my house on the Thursday before the party she said, "I will only be able to do sandwiches, sausage rolls, nibbles and trifle now. Do you think that will be okay?" I said that, if she preferred, I wouldn't buy her and DH a gift, but I would provide enough hot dishes for her 50 guests. I duly arrived for the party in a taxi with 4 slow-cookers, a huge rice cooker on 'keep warm', hot plates for the baked potato and pasta dishes, bowls of salad and a multi-electric cable. Her sons unloaded the taxi and set it all up so that I became a 'guest' immediately (very thoughtful of them.)

Now that is so different isn't it OP? Even when she was strapped for cash, she and her children still realised that SOME food had to be provided for guests. She simply couldn't afford the caterer she had planned to book for the hot food at £5.95 per head. (I shopped, paid and cooked it all for £42. Twice as much as I would have paid for a present, but I thought the world of my lovely cleaner - she was like family after 7 years.)

squoosh · 03/08/2015 17:28

Any idiot knows that an ipod playlist plus food and drink makes for a better evening than live music without any food or drink.

BasinHaircut · 03/08/2015 17:34

I have been reading this thread all day!

Honestly, hiring a hall and getting a mate to do some entertainment for free isn't a party. There MUST be a bit more to it than that.

Do you think maybe they have other stuff planned (someone mentioned variety show up thread) and that eating just won't be practical during and it would be a bit late after so they are suggesting that people eat before? I don't think that would be too far fetched would it? Seeing as we already know they have an impersonator performing?

I think they have planned something but don't want to give the game away by saying too much, but had to tell people to eat and it now just sounds like they are throwing a crap party.

I'd give the benefit of the doubt and just go along, stopping at a drive through McDonald's on the way.

Original poster
ReginaFelangi · 03/08/2015 17:39

Bleugh.

OP posts:
sadwidow28 · 03/08/2015 17:40

because "we could all buy drinks cheaper from the supermarket ourselves"

I can understand that if they didn't intend to put on a FREE bar, but they should still provide you with a drink on arrival IMO.

However, are you even sure that the hall has a liquor license? I say this because your friend doesn't appear to be up to speed about anything. Church and village halls don't usually have an annual license but apply for occasional ones where liquor can be served and consumed on the premises. If they had hired a bar, the bar vendors would have made the appropriate application to the local council.

As for the very loud band and children .............. I would be running for the hills now!

BettyCatKitten · 03/08/2015 17:44

a very loud band
So you can't hear people's tummies rumbling Grin
Seriously, it doesn't sound much fun, no one will be able to have a conversation Confused

Andylion · 03/08/2015 17:44

OP, is your OH the "very loud band"?

Original poster
ReginaFelangi · 03/08/2015 17:46

No, he absolutely isn't!

OP posts:
BasinHaircut · 03/08/2015 17:52

Oh, very loud band?! Loud as in thrash metal? Or just loud as in 'it will be loud'?"

And booked as in booked and paid for? Or booked as in 'my teenage son's new garage band are going to play'?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 03/08/2015 18:00

www.just-eat.co.uk

You and the guests might need this link OP.

Party without food. Not a party at all.

FundamentalistQuaker · 03/08/2015 18:02

I notice they slipped this email out at a time when many people will already have paid for hotels, and so will feel committed to go. If people are going down this bizarre route, they should say so on the initial invitation, so you know what you are saying yes to.