Who is being unreasonable? Me or my parents?

[IShouldBeAllowedRight]

I'm 18, nearly 19. Today, there was a party for a distant family member who I don't have any sort of relationship with. I only interact with the family member when they come for dinner once every six months. I decided not to go as I wouldn't know anyone at the party (I find it really hard to talk/interact/have fun with people I don't know well. I'm working on it though.) and would have had a terrible time. My parents (particularly my dad, it's his side of the family) were not happy.
Because I refused to go to this party, I will not be allowed to go to a friend's party tomorrow (well today, Sunday). My parents are pretty relaxed when it comes to letting me socialise with friends a I'm responsible but I really don't think it should come with the condition that I have to attend parties where I will be physically on edge because of my troubles socialising. Even if I didn't have this problem though, surely it should be my decision?
I'm pretty annoyed. I go to church every Sunday (despite being an atheist) at their insistence. That issue is really non negotiable though, as I've been trying to make them understand that forcing me to go is not beneficial for anyone (well, their reputations maybe). I feel like giving up every Sunday (I'm usually at church from 11 to 3:30 as they go in early for choir practise and the service itself is long) should be enough? Surely I should decide how I spend my time? I went to another party I didn't want to go to (on my mum's side of the family) two weeks ago. My mum wouldn't let me refuse. (she did end up rewarding me for my attendance)
I'm going to have this discussion with them again tomorrow and try to convince them to let me go regardless of the responses I get but I really want to know whether I am in the wrong here?

You should be able to attend or not attend anything as an adult, party or church. But as an adult you also have the right to live on your own, and not live under your parents roof.

If you choose to stay at home, then sometimes it comes with sucking it up and pleasing them. The party may well have been a good example of this.

Whether you are happy to attend church each week to please them is your decision. If you are worried they will be violent with you, perhaps have a word to the pastor/priest saying you feel like it is disrespectful/false for you to attend when you do not believe, and perhaps this might sway your parents (or set them on a mission/explosion, not sure). If I felt under threat to do anything, I would leave... even if it meant a reduced standard of living.

These 2 social events are the least of your worries.

You're 18, with the threat of being hit if you don't comply.

You need to talk to your school / college counsellor. Tell them how controlling your patents are and ask for some help in being assertive and getting more independant.

University sounds a good plan - one far from your town.

this is overbearing parenting and you need support in real life to break free. It is incredibly hard when you are dependant on them, but you are a young women, not a little girl. They need to understand this and treat you accordingly.

Seek help in real life and good luck.

Its tough when you are dependant on them op, but wow over bearing is not the word here.. They sound borderline abusive actually. You should not be worried about being 'hit'

If you don't nip this is the bud now, what happens later down the line of you fall.in love with someone they don't like? if you want to live in an area they disapprove of? If you have children- what of they do not like your choices as a mother, maybe you don't want to raise your own children in the church, how would they react then?

Its yet another example of how some parents try to push their own values onto their kids, and use punishments and money to do it. Makes me sick.

I am going to go against the others and say that on this occasion you need to go. This is not because your parents are right. The reason I say this is because at the moment you do not have a support network to aid you in defying your parents.

I would ask for advice on here and on other sites about how you can gain independence, when there is a strong cultural influence to get daughters to conform.

Think carefully about how to word your next post, and possibly someone will have some information for you. Are there any charities that help women of your culture? You need to begin now to make a plan for you future. What you must not do is let your parents know what you are planning, before you have all your resources in place.

There is no point others saying you are 18 and can do what you like. This is only true if you have the physical, mental and financial resources to do so.

Need to go to the relatives party I mean.

I think you need to move out,your parents don't have any right to be physical with you and could end up getting themselves into a lot of trouble.

Is there a friends family you could go and stay with or another family member that would put you up for a while?

I don't know what area your in OP but there are lots of charitys now that help young people like yourself,they can help you find somewhere to live and lots of them help you access any benefits your entitled to,they can also help with looking for jobs,with budgeting and paying bills,with how to run an household,cookery lessons all sorts.
www.google.co.uk/?gws_rd=ssl#q=charities+that+help+young+people+find+a+home

One of our sons friends has had to use a charity like this since he was 15 and he's doing really well now and he just turned 17.

OP Have you been to your home country on a family holiday before?

This brings back memories for me of being 18 and trapped in my parents house.

It was hell. I remember saying that I wished I could get run over by a bus and be in a coma until I could escape.

I too had grown up with physical punishments and even though they never hit me at 18 the fear of it was enough to keep me under their control.

They weren't church people so I didn't have that but they did have control over my work, finances and socialising.

People up thread are saying 'just leave' but sometimes that's just not logistically possible.

I don't know about your situation but I had no where to go and no means to get there (very rural).

If you are under threat of violence you can access women's aid, something I didn't realise when I was 18.

Domestic abuse is domestic abuse, it doesn't have to come from a partner.

You do need to get out of this situation but it may take time and planning.

Do you have your own bank account and any cash in it? Can you claim jsa? Get any kind of work?

Find out how much you need for a room in a shared flat and work towards that.

In the meantime play the good daughter. Keep them happy if that's the best way of maintaining a tolerable living situation.

Just keep telling yourself it won't last forever and you will escape soon.

OP hang in there, your life is going to be so much better.

It seems like forever away now but the next couple of years are going to change everything and give you the freedom and confidence to get some distance and be your own person.

Gap year away if you can and if you go to uni make sure you live away and please don't do what I did and marry the wrong person young because you think they can save you from this life. Do it yourself for yourself, play by the rules for now and get out as soon as you can.

OP I understand that you are probably at church at the moment, when you get back please read my PM.

Why do you think it will get physical? Do you have a reason to think that? Has it got physical before? Or are you just being a bit dramatic? You say that they're normally quite relaxed about you socialising so I find that a bit hard to square with them being monsters.

These are two separate issues. As far as the family party goes I think your parents are in the right and you are being very rude. You're prioritising seeing your friends before you go away, but you're disinterested in your family. You're saying you don't like parties and socialising but you want to go to a party the next day. It would be a few hours and might be boring but it would be polite to go. You might like to consider that the friends you have may well drift away as you move on with your life, but your family will still be your family. And when you've got over your teenage boredom of having to spend time with relatives you might well regret not making the effort with them. I do think that as you are living in your parents house you should be prepared to give up a few hours to be polite to your relatives and make your parents happy. They're not asking you to climb the north face of the eiger, it's a family party. Most of us had to go to one of them and get bored when we were younger, it's just part of life. You also might find that if you go and make an effort they're not quite as boring as you might think.

The second issue is the church. My husband's family are Catholics and he still has to pretend he goes to mass when he goes home and he's in his 40s. He just drives somewhere quiet and reads the paper for an hour. Bearing in mind you are going to University and starting to lead an independent life you might want to think about whether this is a battle worth picking. You won't have to go to church when you are at Uni and will be able to choose not to spend time at home in the holidays if you don't want to go to Church. It might be worth looking at it as something that you are just going to have to do for a few more months to keep the peace.

If you really, really feel that you cannot in all conscience continue going to church then you need to discuss that with your parents and tell them why you are not going anymore. But be diplomatic about it. If you tell your parents that you are not going anymore because it is a 'great big con' you will be insulting their deeply held beliefs (and being a bit immature). If you try and have an adult conversation with them about it calmly you will stand more chance of getting somewhere. Say to them that you respect their religion and the peace it brings to their lives and their commitment to it, but that you don't feel that it is for you. And because you know how deeply held and important your parents beliefs are you feel that you are being hypocritical and debasing the importance of other people's faiths by just going through the motions and doing and saying things that you don't believe.

But I really think you should go to the party. I can understand your parents being cross that you're rejecting your family but want to party with friends. Not least because they are going and by refusing to go you are also refusing to spend time with them before you go away too.

Your parents sound potentially abusive to me- if you are worried about physical repercussions that has happened in the past that does lean me more towards taking away 'potentially. Added to that not treating and respecting you as an adult to make adult decisions over very minor things like parties- essentially they are punishing you like a child which you are having to live with because you are reliant on them.

It's a clash of cultures from the sound of it- you want more freedom and to be respected, while they still see you as a child that should respect them as elders and obey. The possibility of physical violence and your obvious uncertainty is what tips it into abusive imo, I would call womens Aid and speak to them, or people at university- there's support there and advice.

I would also wonder if they are this stoic in regards to parties, what would their reaction be to something bigger?

Lazy, not dramatic at all, the OPs update says it all.

Well they always used physical punishment. I don't remember when the last time was though? I was maybe 15?

You are 18 and an adult. Its up to you. The fact that they are dictating how you spend your time is worrying, as I had controlling parents and the emotional abuse that went with that has devastated my social skills, self esteem, confidence, etc etc. I was extremely introvert and forced to go to parties and it didnt work, i didnt become more social or confident, in fact i became more wound up and nervous because the additional pressure of being forced pushed me over the edge . You need to be more assertive or move out or this will carry on and you will never be seen as an adult with their own choices and life to lead.

Have you considered talking to the leader of your local church about this, or telling your parents you will?
In experience a lot of this so called faith isn't about God at all (are there rreally gods that condone beating your child? ?) It's more about standing and "respectability" in the community. If you tell your parents "I am not coming to the party, and I have made an appointment to speak to the vicar/priest/whoever about how I am now worried you will beat me." I'm pretty sure they'llback down. They won'twant their ddespicable behaviour highlighted to the very people tthey'retrying to impress.
In the meantime look for a way out and soon, this is no way to live.

The OP is 18, an adult, even though a financially dependent one.
We wouldn't accept the "clash of cultures" argument if it was a DP forcing her into church and social occasions, let alone under the threat of hitting her.
OP, if you think your parents are going to to smack, say you'll report them to the police and do so. Domestic violence is just not acceptable.

I'm mixed race and had some cultural / family problems, but nowhere near as bad as yours. My mum stopped trying to force me to go to church once I reached 11 and I just refused to accept this. Family events and staying out we compromised on, while I was living with her. Smacking was mild, occasional and stopped totally at age 10.
I left home for uni at 18, with financial independence and we got on really well afterwards, because that signalled to her I was an adult.

Try talking things out with them and trying to find a compromise you can live with, so that you don't feel under threat.
If this is not possible, you need to accept you can only live your life the way you want once you are independent: Your choice when this happens.
If it is not too late, you can organise student loans, accommodation and a uni / college place, maybe a part-time job. If too late, then have a gap year supporting yourself, maybe volunteering overseas.

My mum was very low income, so I wasn't losing out on possible financial support or inheritance - your case may be different. If that is a concern, you need to decide if you would rather tolerate this treatment for money.

I never excused the threat of violence, that is an appalling thing to mply. I said the clash of cultures was that they thought of her still as a child who should obey but straight after The possibility of physical violence and your obvious uncertainty is what tips it into abusive imo.

Oh and this part as well:

Your parents sound potentially abusive to me- if you are worried about physical repercussions that has happened in the past that does lean me more towards taking away 'potentially.

Just echoing what everyone else says...you're 18 and an adult. Do whatever the hell you want. The only thing your parents could come back with at this stage is "our roof our rules" and if they do you need to move out...easier said than done I know, but my god I couldn't imagine having to live with my parents at 18!!

Also don't go to church if you don't want to and you don't believe...what's the point!!?? (I'm a Christian btw ;) )

I grew up in a similarish environment. Immediately after my a-levels I walked out and onto a plane to the US where is spent the summer. Camp America I think they called it, pretty much all expenses paid (actual pay was just pocket money but that was OK by me). I went from their to university hundreds of miles away. I racked up a lot of student debt becaise I refused to take any money from them. I stayed in my uni town workibg in the holidays. I visited them sometimes but I was absolutely definitely moved out and moved on.

My siblings were not as clear cut on their exits. I am the most mentally healthy and life wealthy.

Break free. Quietly, no rows, just go out and be the adult you want to be.

Oh dear, so much of your situation chimes with me and what I grew up with.

(I'm guessing something like Pentecostal, AOG or Baptist church? No drinking, smoking or dancing.. yadda, yadda, yadda.)

If you're not emotionally (and physically) strong enough to have fought them up to this point then I'm guessing a 'fight' to do what you want is not something that you would even contemplate.

I did, but then I was already fighting, yelling and screaming back by 18. (And I suffered the consequences physically for it in previous years.)

You need to plan your escape, its that simple. DON'T take a gap year. Get out of the house and get yourself to University. Find yourself some sort of a job or summer internship to cover yourself for your summer holidays once you're at uni. You really need several years on your own to find your own identity and find your inner strength to be yourself.

I'd go to their party with a book to read, and their church too.

Oh dear, IShould I started reading your post thinking "suck it up" but the bit about insisting on church attendance and punishments "getting physical" or not letting you back in the house rang alarm bells.

Your parents are controlling loons. You may be financially dependent n them now, but you need an exit plan. What are you doing to get a job or make yourself more employable so you aren't dependent on them forever!

In my parents' culture, as long as I'm living with them i have to abide by their rules.

i was in this situation at 19. I was working and saving towards moving out. i was banned from going anywhere but work (had to be home at 6pm on the dot). i calmly insisted on my rights as an adult, they got physical to the point where i nearly lost my life. so i took my one months wage and ran away. never regretted it or looked back. things were bad for a bit but 15 years later i have a much better relationship with my parents than i would have if i stayed - if i'd lived.

sometimes their threats are simply that - threats. sometimes they're not. you could just go to see your friends despite their objections. If they get physical or threaten you then you can call the police - i know it's considered 'extreme', 'shameful' and 'unfathomable' in the cultural context you give but once you get past the fear it's doable.

however, only you alone know to do that's right for you in this situation. never be afraid that you will be alone and won't be able to cope if it comes right down to it - you CAN and WILL succeed and there is always help available. in the longterm, start saving up and making plans for the kind of life you want to live.