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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To plan a holiday with DH without children need some piece

45 replies

vodkanchocolate · 30/07/2015 11:33

These Summer holidays are so far driving me mad, we managed 4 days away as a family last week and it was complete and utter nightmare, we have 2 children with sn. This week is also proving to be another hard one. Just really need a break. I know it sounds selfish and its all part and parcel of having children but we were talking last night about saving up for an holiday abroad just me and him in 9 years together weve never had a proper holiday together its a lovely idea but cant see it happening :(

We get the odd weekend to ourself and we had a weekend away in january paid for by the inlaws as a joint 30th birthday present but weekends go so fast and half the time by the time weve travelled and in constant contact with mother in law about the children its like weve blinked and missed it :(

Is it cheeky of us to ask in laws to have them for a week? Although always happy to have them and often offer at least MIL would have to book it off work. Hes said he reckons she would with enough notice (and she probilly would to be fair) but just feels wrong to think about it let alone asking and I dont think I could switch off worrying thought of been in another country away from them is a pretty daunting thuoght

So what im wondering is it is unreasonable to him to ask her? On the other hand we could deffinately do with a break together even if we stay in uk.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 30/07/2015 11:37

I don't think it's selfish or unreasonable

But if you couldn't switch off due to worrying about being in another country, why not book a UK break for the two of you?

It'll still be a nice break together from the kids.

ThursdayLast · 30/07/2015 11:39

I say there's no harm in asking MIL.

Certainly not selfish, everyone is entitled to a break.

Birdsgottafly · 30/07/2015 11:40

Ask, I'm from an extended family, so this was and is the norm, that's without SN in the mix.

How old are your children, do you have any local respite, or clubs, that they can attend?

PotteringAlong · 30/07/2015 11:40

There's no harm in asking but you might need to cover her wages if she has to take unpaid leave

scarlets · 30/07/2015 11:41

There's no reason why not! You must prepare to "switch off" though, otherwise it won't do you much good. Just ring home once per day at a pre-agreed time. Given your concern about being far away, I'd suggest going to a destination with several short daily flights from the UK. Paris, maybe. Malaga. Amsterdam. Etc etc.

Fatmomma99 · 30/07/2015 11:48

I don't see why you can't ask, esp if you make it easy for her to say "no" if she wants.

And if you go, I hope you have a super time and get a chance to chill.

Original poster
vodkanchocolate · 30/07/2015 12:19

aww well thank you its made me feel a bit easier about asking if we go wouldnt be until next year anyway need time to save up but guess something to look forward to. I have 5 children (I know it is a very big ask) my eldest isnt my husbands though and she spends a lot of time with her biological dads family so tbh shes not a big worry for me

OP posts:
Epilepsyhelp · 30/07/2015 12:22

Would MIL be comfortable looking after all of them? Would she have support? I would certainly ask, as long as it is clear ah can say no if it's too much for her.

Dynomite · 30/07/2015 12:29

In my family, this was very usual in my parents' generation. My parents and my uncles and aunts frequently had weekends and short holidays away without their kids. My cousins and I were told we were getting a treat, that the grandparents really wanted to spend some time with us etc and we all loved it :) people my age don't seem to do it anymore which I think is a shame. You and your DH sound understandably exhausted and I do think you need take care of your marriage once in a while too. I bet your kids and the grandparents will like spending some time together too :)

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 30/07/2015 12:33

Do you get any support? Someone in my family was a carer for another family member with significant disabilities and used to get a respite break paid for each year - not sure whether it was the council/charity/medicash who funded it or whether such a thing even exists now.

You need to look after your own health or how can you look after someone else's?

ilovechristmas1 · 30/07/2015 13:07

i dont think it is fare on Mil,5 is a huge ask and with SN thrown in

if it was a couple of kids ok but 5 is very differrent

also would she really say no if she didnt wanted to,many people dont feel able to say no and agrees but really not wanting to

crazykat · 30/07/2015 13:11

Go for it. Yes you're parents but you're also people who need time for themselves too.

As you're worried about being too far away I'd either drive to somewhere in the UK or a short flight to Ireland/Paris etc where you could get a reasonably quick flight home at short notice.

It's a good idea suggested above about having a set time to phone the dcs and check in and then forget about it for the day so you have chance to relax properly.

cleanasawhistle2195 · 30/07/2015 13:15

Id ask- but maybe stay a little close to home so if it gets a bit for you and DH/your inlaws you can come home??

Love51 · 30/07/2015 13:17

ilovechristmas I think its a bit unfair to suggest that parents of kids with sn shouldn't ask for help from the children's grandparents. OP sounds like she would ask very sensitively with a get out clause for pils. She is aware it is a big favour, not a right.

Depending where she works leave may be an issue, but she is a grown up who can explain if this is the case.

caravanista13 · 30/07/2015 13:20

Not selfish at all! I'd want to be sure that I wasn't choosing a destination that the children would feel they're missing out on though.

ilovechristmas1 · 30/07/2015 13:24

so children with SN dont require more input than the others then

i never said those with SN shouldnt ask,talk about automatic jump on because i mentioned SN, the children with SN would probably need more help

TheRealAmyLee · 30/07/2015 13:28

if it was a couple of kids ok but 5 is very differrent

Where on earth did you get this from? OP has TWO kids.

OP - You already know they are happy to have them. What harm can it do to ask? If you can't manage a whole week maybe do Fri-Mon? Talk to them. Sounds like your ILs are kind and caring people so go talk to them. If you are anxious as someone suggested stay in the UK within a reasonable distance and set a time to call eg call before bed each night to ask about their day/say goodnight. Then the rest of the time try to switch off. Trust that the kids are in safe hands and you will get a call if you are needed.

Also if you aren't already in contact with your local carers centre call them. As well as being a fantastic support mine offer £250 towards a break for carers once a yearish (none means tested). They also offer trips and events at a discount price for carers and/or SN kids and adults. These can give you a chance to meet other families in similar situations which may also help with support for you both.

ilovechristmas1 · 30/07/2015 13:30

if it was a couple of kids ok but 5 is very differrent

Where on earth did you get this from? OP has TWO kids.

read the thread might help

Shakey1500 · 30/07/2015 13:40

It's definitely worth an ask. If it seems "too much" is there anyone else they could go to for half the week? Break it up for them etc?

I always think it's a good idea to have a child free break. DH and I went abroad for a week when DS was about 2. DS had an absolute ball, as did we Smile Though I find on these threads there's usually a fair few folk who say they'd never have a break without the kids and why did you have them to be away from them Horses for courses and all that jazz but it always surprises me. Though I understand they've every right to feel surprised right back Smile

Happy36 · 30/07/2015 14:29

Not at all unreasonable! Book and enjoy.

oddfodd · 30/07/2015 14:42

The OP has 5 children, 2 have SN. That is a pretty big ask IMO!

Figster · 30/07/2015 14:47

Dh And I are having our first holiday in 5 years we fly out on Saturday for a week. My parents having ds (3) some of week and PIL the rest.

Preventing ds from getting lost/drowned or burned is not my idea of a holiday and he's terrible in this country when it's warm let alone 35 degrees which is what it is at the moment where we going.

I say do it!!!

GobShites · 30/07/2015 14:48

I don't think it's unreasonable at all to go away as a couple but I do think it's a bit unreasonable to ask your MIL to use up a week of her annual leave.

PurpleSwift · 30/07/2015 14:53

I appreciate you need the break but for 5 kids it's a lot to ask! Can you ask anyone else and split them up?

juneau · 30/07/2015 14:53

Okay, so DD1 could go to her dad's, but could your MIL really cope with four DC, two of them with SN, all on her own???

If she's up for it and could cope, then no, there is no harm in asking. You and your DH do indeed sound like you would benefit from a break. A week is a long time though. How old is MIL? My mum is 67 and she has had my two DC (with no SN), for four days and she coped fine, but it definitely tired her out.

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