To want friends who think like me?

[wannabehamster]

I've recently become very aware of how liberal my views are and how important that is to me. I believe in fairness to all people regardless of gender, race, sexual preference, social standing or disabilities.

The more me views solidify, the fewer people I have in my life. Friends, family and colleagues all seem to be harder to gel with if they say or do anything that flies against what I believe.

Am I being too precious, are there like minded people out there or am I fundamentally different to my immediate society? It's just so bleeding lonely and hard work.

IMO it's better to accept that people have different views, and try to understand why, rather than expect them to think the way you do. I have friends with very different political views and world views and find it interesting to have discussions and debates. It can get a bit heated at times but that's the fun of a lively debate! I'm always open to learning new things or seeing things from new angles.

If you remind yourself your views are not necessarily 'right' and theirs 'wrong' you should find it matters a lot less if you think differently. Being tolerant and open-minded is more valuable than having identical beliefs.

Should we have a run down of things that I have taken exception to, not necessarily challenged but has led to me not having meaning relationships with friends and family.

Refusing to remove their bike helmet at a petrol station because 'you wouldn't ask a Muslim to remove their Burkha'

Dismissing the SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon as a PM candidate because 'someone should give that woman an orgasm, I've never seen such an angry woman!'

Referring to a group of foreign tourists as 'jibba jabbas' for holding up the service in a restaurant.

For believing and regurgitating every spiteful and hateful Daily Mail headline with out questioning it.

For calling their child a 'Mong' when they'd done something a bit silly.

I can't get past things like this.

It is for your Chinese friend to tolerate (or not) the mutual "friend" who seems to be anti-Chinese.

I don't think this is true for three reasons:

1. My Chinese friend is a guest in this country, in the sense that she was not born here and lives here with her European husband because this is where his job is - she didn't decide "oh look, Britain, that's a lovely place to live and I will make every effort I can to move there", she was brought here by circumstances beyond her control. We don't treat guests like that, she has less control over her life here because of her English not being 100% and not knowing all the social rules, it is polite and friendly to treat guests well.
   (Note that this seems to be the absolute opposite of the attitude of some people to guests of this country. Including those that are here to pay lots of money to be tourists).

2. Not only do I feel that I need to be protective of my friend because she is a guest in this country, I also feel that I need to be protective of my two DCs who were not born in this country and one of whom is not white. If this person says things like this about one ethnic group, I have no idea what she's saying about people of other ethnic groups e.g. my DCs. Protecting my DCs is absolutely my responsibility.

3. Even were my own children not foreign-born, I have lots of friends (including my original Chinese friend) whose children are foreign born. I would like to think I have a responsibility towards those children, who don't have power in the same way as an adult does.

(They aren't friends of each other. They are friends of different circles of people. The first person (who did not say this as a joke, but it isn't a joking matter IMO) isn't someone I couldn't live without in my life (if, say, they lived next door and I couldn't move, or they were at my bedside when I was dying, then perhaps I'd feel differently), but is present in a social circle with someone I DO feel life would be worse without.)

OP, that does not sound good. But there are many people around who don't talk like that.

PS sorry I should add - don't give up hope on making friends, I don't think what you describe is stuff you have to accept to make friends.

blimey op if you're not in London make for it straight away. I don't have a single person in my life - not at work, local area, mums, on Facebook, through hobbies etc - that would say casually bigoted things like those examples. I find it hard to believe such people exist in my sheltered liberal enclave...

OP are you me??

I could have written every one of your posts and I'm actually finding some comfort in the fact that someone else is in the same predicament, I thought I was being precious too.

If you happen to be in the south west of England I'll be your friend!

Seriously, staying true to what's important to you, for want of a less nauseating saying, is definitely not BU.

I think you are perfectly reasonable. I think that it's pretty much a basic requirement of my friends that they should be kind, thoughtful, compassionate, principled and well-mannered.

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who put down his girlfriend all the time, or never paid their share of a meal out, and the same goes for casual racism etc.

They don't all vote the same way, but they have well thought out and fundamentally kind reasons for their views.

While its natural instincts to herd to like minded people, you do have to be aware that isolating yourself into an echoe chamber is not an ideal solution either.

You don't expect to debate everyday, but having differing opinions doesn't make them bad people necessarily (apart from the obvious bnp esc types)

I have a wide mixture of friends that I regularly don't agree with and can actually plot the horse shoe theory on in some scenarios, but they are friends and I don't make political affiliation a pre requisite. (Not saying you are just I have seen a lot of it lately)

You have your boundaries, and that's actually a really good thing.

Things I will tolerate:-

Being a big forgetful and daft
Telling jokes I don't find funny
Occasionally ranting about things I don't have any strong views on
And so on in that vein

Things that will make me distance myself:-
Racism
Disablism
Sexism
Homophobia
Other prejudices that just make no sense to me.

The things you describe are true in some places I've lived. They're done casually and thoughtlessly, And it's horrible. Not everywhere and everyone thinks like that.

What you're describing doesn't actually make you liberal or left wing, it makes you nice :)

I'll be your friend.

Achieve- I just find it hard work, but I am trying to stay positive

Eggyface- I would if it weren't a big city, I like my ruralness too much. I've got away from where I grew up but in that place, it's the opposite to what you describe. I was the odd one for not agreeing with it.

Hudyer- Welsh wilderness now I'm afraid but I'd still be your friend ????? I find your reassurance reassuring :)

Jasper-its not really about how they vote (unless it's UKIP) it's how they act and behave. Thank you for your reassurance too

Lurker- what herd? That's my problem, I feel like there isn't a herd that I belong to

Thanks Chris, i hope I seem nice. I'd like to be your friend too. You name the tree :)

OP - another Londoner. Or maybe you just need to live in a city. It is possible to live quietly in a city and be near green space.

I'm in wales and rural, and I'm liberal. I agree with those who suggest finding a group of likeminded types. Rural doesn't mean racist!

It's impressive that you grew up with these views and challenged them (hope I've got that right, skimmed a bit). I can't imagine how hard that was. It's not the norm everywhere.

There you go, OP, Chris is also in Wales!

I'm not too far

Hud :o

We'll start a rural-liberal support group!

You are hardly liberal if you can't have friends with different views! Variety is the spice of life- how boring to all think the same.

I'd happily live in a boring world if it meant that people treated strangers with kindness and consideration which is all the OP is asking for.

Mehit, did you miss the bit about what those views are? There's a big difference between "we have different parenting styles" and "I don't like other races".

I don't think distancing yourself from extreme right wing views is not being liberal.

YANBU.

I would like this too. Where I live you are basically a weirdo pinko liberal if you don't believe in smacking, hunting and the death penalty

I wouldn't want to be friends with racists etc but she must know some people who are not like that! If not she just needs to widen her circle.

OP - consider us friends! If you can substitute for , so much the better...

"You are hardly liberal if you can't have friends with different views!"

So those posters who think this is the case - would you happily be close friends with an active member of the BNP?

I think we all draw a line somewhere. I'm hard left/green, and I have friends I like very much who are Conservative voters who don't consider environmental issues important, or who are totally non-political. Similarly, I'm definitely a scientific rationalist by inclination, and just avoid the subject of homeopathy with friends if it comes up But seriously, I can't imagine having a friend with strongly racist or homophobic views.

You do have to draw the line somewhere, but it was extremely narrow minded after the election when pubs had notices they weren't serving those who voted Tory as if you can only be friends with those who vote the same.

My best friend was very right wing ( think EDL, BNP), although she seems to have not so 'right wing' views these days.

We would have heated discussions alot, espesh about Muslims, immigration, race etc.

I am black and very left wing, which used to perplex her. We are still best friends to this day, despite our differences. When we are not talking politics & having a laugh, that it when there are no differences.