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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get wound up by my mum?

43 replies

DirtyMugPolice · 29/07/2015 20:43

My mum is one of those mums that has never been happy about anything I do - life choices/opinions /child rearing techniques. Disapproving etc etc. Just having a WhatsApp conversation and she said I have 'zero tolerance for anything these days' which means she wants me to ask what that is apparently. I haven't. I know it will just lead to her telling me something I'm doing wrong.

AIBU for not getting into it? DH is curious but I don't care, when I know it will just lead to me getting angry and stressed. I'm pregnant - I don't need that shit! Why do some mothers do this?!

OP posts:
Wellwhaddyaknow · 29/07/2015 20:48

YANBU. Sometimes the only thing to do is rise above it. I have learned to do this only recently but it feels incredibly liberating!

Balanced12 · 29/07/2015 20:50

YANBU some mothers are not the best mastering just leaving it will be the most liberating thing you ever do and congratulations ????

AlwaysSpoiled34 · 29/07/2015 20:52

Enjoy your own life and stay away from her.

TendonQueen · 29/07/2015 20:55

Definitely ignore it. If in a situation where you do have to reply, I find the phrase 'It'd be a dull world if we were all the same' followed by a string of passive aggressive smileys, is very handy.

WhoNickedMyName · 29/07/2015 20:55

YANBU. Don't get into it, don't ask... that will frustrate her terribly.

She's obviously looking for another opportunity to tell you where you're going wrong, and when you take offence/get upset, she can say "well you asked".

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Original poster
DirtyMugPolice · 29/07/2015 20:59

Thanks. I do feel liberated and proud of myself. I know a few years ago in would have been really worried about what I had done..Now I know I will have done nothing wrong! Also a little voice is asking me if that just makes me conceited? I don't think that's the case either she just struggles with any opinion that isn't her own!

I've become wise to it since becoming a mum myself.WHY would you desire to make your children feel bad? That's not right. Oh oops, there I go with my zero tolerance again! Wink

OP posts:
WandaFuca · 29/07/2015 21:27

It's probably the "Mother knows best" syndrome. She's the Mother and you'll always be the subordinate. In order for her to be right about everything, you have to be wrong if you don't think or do exactly the same as her.

You can't win, so don't bother. Take everyone's advice and just ignore her when she's having one of her huffy hissy fits.

Original poster
DirtyMugPolice · 29/07/2015 21:45

She just sent me another message saying 'question? What changed you? '

How do I reply without engaging with this bullshit?!

OP posts:
WhoNickedMyName · 29/07/2015 21:54

Ignore.

She's goading you, it takes two to have an argument. It's obviously winding her up that you're not being pulled in.

IGNORE!

FenellaFellorick · 29/07/2015 21:55

Without engaging? You can't. Anything you say is going to result in her coming back with something.

You could say something like

What changed me is that I matured and grew in confidence and have got to the point in life where I won't accept being treated badly. I am proud of that.

or the more blunt

I got sick of being treated like shit

drudgetrudy · 29/07/2015 21:55

I think I would ignore it-go to bed and pretend you haven't seen it tonight? If she persists perhaps reply "Having early night too tired to chat-Night!"

fastdaytears · 29/07/2015 21:57

I'm struggling to even understand what your mum's getting at. It doesn't help with WhatsApp that they can see that the message has been delivered. Would she be this goady face to face? If she wouldn't then maybe say let's discuss when I see you next and be safe in the knowledge that discussion will never happen.

marujadelujo · 29/07/2015 21:58

"WHY would you desire to make your children feel bad?"
I ask myself that a lot about my parents. My theory is that they got addicted to the relationship that parents have with their dcs when they are young, and they are not keen to have their children become independent adults who no longer see them as an authority or seek their approval.

Original poster
DirtyMugPolice · 29/07/2015 22:01

She knows I have read it unfortunately! And is probably stewing that I haven't responded yet. She's getting at that I have apparently changed - I don't know how or in what regard. The only changes I see are being more confident and self assured. Grown up a bit, if you like (I am 33!). Ok will continue to ignore I think. Argh. Hate that she does this.

OP posts:
drudgetrudy · 29/07/2015 22:01

I agree with not discussing it till you next see her and then considering some of the suggestions on this thread. I wouldn't send messages back and forth.

drudgetrudy · 29/07/2015 22:03

When you see her how abut vagueness "Well everyone changes all the time and as I get older its true I have no tolerence for being criticised constantly". You are doing really well at not getting wound up. IGNORE, IGNORE.

Original poster
DirtyMugPolice · 29/07/2015 22:04

fastday good idea. Good reply. Easy way to get out. I'd be more self assured in person. Big back story here but don't see her that often as she moved country 8 years ago and projects the guilt about that on to me. Even though it's not my fault she doesn't see her DGC - it's hers!

OP posts:
LMonkey · 29/07/2015 22:12

You have absolutely gone the best way about this. I salute you.

You really don't need this shit from your own mother, and she is not being fair.

She is just desperate for you to give her the go-ahead so that she can unleash a load of god knows what onto you and make you feel crap in the process.

I think you should just go back with something along the lines of 'you know what mum? I really don't need this shit from you. You either learn to accept me and what I do so that you can carry on being part of my life and your grandchild's life or we're going to have to take a serious time-out'. Once she realises that she is being faced with being cut off by you and potentially not being a part of her grandchild's life then she should get her act together and realise what she could lose.

Original poster
DirtyMugPolice · 29/07/2015 22:16

Thank you all - appreciate this. I replied saying we could chat when I see her next and she said ' who knows if that will happen x'

Whatever, dude. Bring it on - I'm a nice person and you're a narcissistic sad woman who enjoys making your kids feel bad. Way to go! If she does bring it up in person then I can stand my ground. Chances are though (as rightly assume) she probably won't as she only sees me 3-4 times a year as it is. And my son and other family will be there too so more unlikely she will. Truth is she hates I won't let her manipulate me any more!

OP posts:
CinderellaRockefeller · 29/07/2015 22:29

Reply with something silly.

"Chocolate and wine changed me! :) How about you?"

So it's clear you're not engaging with anything serious, but deflecting it from being a set up to ask what it is about you which has changed.

LMonkey · 29/07/2015 22:34

Sometimes it is best to just cut your losses. I'm not saying that you should, only you know best. But I think we are often under the misconception that because we are related to people we have to have them in our lives no matter how stressed or upset they make us. I had issues with my dad for years. He would piss me off every time I saw him, to the point that I would feel angry for days afterwards because of something he said. The final straw was when he ruined Christmas for me one year and I just realised it was a lot less stress cutting him out of my life than keeping him in my life. I didn't speak to him for 18 months, he didn't meet my firstborn until he was 8 months old. I think he has realised the error of his ways as he seems to be a lot easier to get along with now, but I won't be taking it for granted.

I do hope you sort things out, it sounds like you've done really well so far x

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 29/07/2015 22:37

Dear

Original poster
DirtyMugPolice · 29/07/2015 22:38

Thanks all and thanks Lmonkey. It's easier now to look at it objectively. My DH and my DS and my yet to be born DD are my life. I haven't got time in my life for that crap anymore x

OP posts:
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 29/07/2015 22:39

Sorry my phone posted before I was ready was meant to say dear me do we have the same mother? Mine is exactly the same and I've always been very reactive and quick to snap back which leads to thing escalating usually her crying and acting the victim painting me as an awful wicked uncaring daughter. I now ignore or roll my eyes to myself and totally disengage which gives me the power back and like you say is very liberating,

FunFunFunFun · 29/07/2015 23:35

Why are these women doing this to their daughters? I'm baffled.

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