To not get wound up by my mum?

[DirtyMugPolice]

My mum is one of those mums that has never been happy about anything I do - life choices/opinions /child rearing techniques. Disapproving etc etc. Just having a WhatsApp conversation and she said I have 'zero tolerance for anything these days' which means she wants me to ask what that is apparently. I haven't. I know it will just lead to her telling me something I'm doing wrong.

AIBU for not getting into it? DH is curious but I don't care, when I know it will just lead to me getting angry and stressed. I'm pregnant - I don't need that shit! Why do some mothers do this?!

I'd be so tempted to mirror her reply and send 'Yes, who knows?' Some of the other silly answers are also good suggestions - deflect or ignore it, don't engage with it. Although she will probably then get more riled and harsher still, so be prepared for that - but that's her choice, it's not your doing.

Thank you all. Was half expecting to wake up to a message sent overnight after many hours stewing but nothing. tendon I think you are right - past behaviour usually involves further passive agressiveness and cryptic messages! I expect her to now be aloof and unengaging due to me not rising to it. It's so sad really - she has so little going on in her life that she has to do this.

I sincerely hope I have a better relationship with my DD!

I'm sure you will OP :)

Trying to work out weather the way some parents treat their children is down to generational differences or simple unpleasant personal character traits is interesting, but ultimately doesn't make a lot of difference to those struggling with it. The important thing is not to let it damage you and not to continue the pattern, as you say.

I have an 'arm's length' relationship with my mum as she is hard work, drains my confidence, lays on guilt trips like thick butter and generally winds me up. I now feel guilty about keeping her at arm's length, so can't really win that one! It's taken me a lot of years to get to a comfortable distance. Now I get the 'i could be laying dead; half eaten by the cat and no one would no or care' sort of crap every time we speak on the phone

I have made sure to be a very different mum to my 4 daughters (aged 18 months to 22 years), and it's easy to see the difference in our relationship compared to mine with my mum.

no? - know!

Thanks Eponas your mum sounds like she would get on with mine - pity party for 2?!

Good to know about your daughters too. I just want my daughter to always feel like she's amazing and good enough and valued whatever she chooses to do with her life.

In future, I suggest that every time she starts with these sort of messages, you are suddenly busy and have to go. I don't have What'sApp, but I assume that you can close down conversations on it and show yourself as unavailable?

Yes you can shut them down and I'll continue to deflect and ignore. Thanks - feeding that kind of behaviour will just feed it!

In whatsapp, settings>account>privacy and turn of read receipts. I think it not only stops you seeing them but stops them seeing you've read. You can also turn off 'last seen' too.

No advice on the mum front though. Hope you have a better day :)

My DM said told me once that I had changed, 'and not in a good way!' Imagine a pity-me sad-face with that comment. Luckily for us both, it was said in a busy pub and I didn't have chance to reply immediately...

I think what she meant was similar to what your mother is saying; you are no longer putting her and her needs first, you are no longer taking her word for granted and she is not the most important person in your life anymore.

I had been with my DP for a few months at that time and DM lived a hundred miles away, so she hadn't spent much time with us as a couple. I think it brought home to her that I had grown up (I was 30 at the time ) and our relationship had changed.

I do love her but it is probably a good thing that we are not in each other's pockets as we were before I met DP. As I said, it was a blessing that I had a chance to reflect on what she had said and had time to consider my response, otherwise I don't think we would have the relationship that we do now...

Sorry, and what I meant to add, it's a good thing that you've had a chance to think about what she has said and what you might reply.

What she means is she has realised that you have zero tolerance for her behaviour and doesn't like the fact that this change means she can't get at you any more.

My mum is prone to outbursts if this (she is lovely and very supportive most of the time but has her moments). We are very different and she finds that hard as she and her own mum were very similar and extremely unhealthily imho close.

If I do something she doesn't approve of I get chapter & verse about how much I've changed and it's all the fault of Facebook/DH/Mumsnet/feminism.

It is easier to just not engage unless you absolutely have to.

wyrdbyrd that sounds so much like my mum too!

Well I was surprised that today she was back to normal chatty messages. Maybe I haven't changed after all!

Oh wow thank you Procrastinator off to change that now!

I had some therapy last year - transactional analysis - which was brilliant at helping me deal with this.

Whereas previously I would mull over everything said in triplicate and spend hours trying to justifying my actions, I now think 'I know I'm not being unreasonable/have a right to make this decision as I see fit' then I take a deep breath & either switch off the laptop etc, or reply whilst completely ignoring her comments & change the subject.

We had a very fraught few months whilst I was seeing my therapist & making changes (mum thought she was the devil incarnate ) but touch wood have a much healthier & happier relationship these days, for the most part.

Airplane mode is your friend here...

From experience, controlling , rigid parents can't hack it when the worm turns. It infuriated my DM when I did (after counselling), as i discovered that actually I am pretty good at demolishing patronising know it alls who base their opinion on bigotry and snobbery, with solid fact: and when it came to mind games I knew her MO so I could 2nd guess her. She was so furious it led to NC which i have never regretted. I guess i am my fathers daughter, he didnt suffer fools gladly and now neither do I, life is too short.

Lots of great advice here and you already sound on top of this situation, but my own light bulb moment came when I read somewhere that strength is not always facing your assailant head on, because that's what they want - engage in battle. Strength is knowing when to put yourself first and walk away, for your own good. Whether that's going no contact or withdrawing from a conversation in which your parent is trying to goad you into battle. Just withdraw. Think of it like giving yourself a gift.

In my case, I saw how wrong my parents treated me and my sibling when I had my daughter. So many missing pieces in my own childhood. Why did they make me feel dumb when I didn't know how x worked, or what to do in x or y situation? Why would my mother stand and watch me cry, rather than cuddle me? And then, after a lifetime of trying to figure out what was wrong with me, everything became as clear as glass: it wasn't me! It was them! The whole fucking time. Because kids aren't born knowing how stuff works or how to behave in any given scenario, generally speaking. We guide them, we help them, we step in, we respectfully give them space. And we damn well cuddle them when they cry.