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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my best friend to get together with my Lying/ Cheating ex?

73 replies

Anxiousanne01 · 29/07/2015 09:29

As title. Just a feeling I have. He’s really bad news, she knows it. He, still, over a year since we split is contacting me every day to get back with him, to come over to his, ringing me, texting me, Facebooking me, ‘Liking’ everything I put on Facebook. She is aware of all of this,

He’s hot, she knows it, everyone knows it, he has no trouble pulling the ladies. He’s made comments about how he finds her attractive to me before. I found out that they had been messaging each other a while back and firmly stated that it is her life, she can see who she likes but if she was to get involved with this man it would really hurt me and that I would have to withdraw from the friendship. She cried and said that yes they had messaged each other but only about me as he was contacting her moaning that he loves me and why won’t I take him back. I then found out they’d met for drinks…again, she promised me nothing happened. Since that time I don’t believe anything has as he’s been seeing other people and so has she. Now though, both are single again. I have had some information that leads me to believe they may be seeing one another at the weekend at a function.

I’ve never been able to shake off the feeling that something has gone on behind my back, I’ve just had to try and forget about it and hope that she has more respect than that, both for herself and for me. I just have a horrible feeling that something is going to happen at this event at the weekend and I know there is nothing I can do, but I am angry that she will end up lying to me about where she’s been and who she’s with.

I am half tempted to text her saying I know she’s going to this event (she’s kind of lied to me about where she is going already but I don’t want to go into too much info on here) and that I really hope she has more respect for herself than to get involved with this utter shite of a man who is still messaging her best friend everyday begging her to get back with him? Where is her self-respect? And where is her respect for me?

However I’m aware that will make me come across as a bitter looney and that I could also just be being paranoid about the whole thing. Sigh. Please be nice, I’m really trying to be rational here.

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 29/07/2015 12:47

Anxious just be careful you don't tie too much of your self-esteem to the fact he wants to get back with you.

That way you're only setting yourself up for a kick in the guts when he does start dating someone else (whether it's your BF or someone else).

SevenOfNineTrue · 29/07/2015 12:50

My first impression of your post was that you sound jealous of them getting together.

He sounds like really bad news but he is your ex and your friend knows how awful he is. Let them get on with it. You know he will treat her badly and that it will all end in tears but she is a grown woman and needs to make her own decisions. I'd block him on social media and get on with your life.

Good luck.

differentnameforthis · 29/07/2015 13:23

It’s just incestuous Do you even know what that means? Because you haven't used it properly.

Unless they are related, it is far from incestuous!

AyeAmarok · 29/07/2015 13:28

Oh give over and stop being so literal.

No it's not the dictionary definition of incestuous, but it's too close for comfort. Too close for OP and many other people would feel the same. They are best mates, it's weird.

Have you never heard of the idea that friends shouldn't get with their best mate's ex?

AyeAmarok · 29/07/2015 13:30

Do you think that if sister 1 was in a long-term relationship with a guy, nobody would bat an eyelid if her sister started dating him? It's the same thing.

CriminalMind · 29/07/2015 14:46

YANBU at all!

I remember when my best friend asked if I would mind if she would sleep with my ex-boyfriend. We'd split up years before, no hard feelings and I was the one that broke off the relationship. But I didn't like the idea at all!

I told my best friend that I couldn't stop her and it wouldn't destroy our friendship but that I didn't like the idea at all. I'd only slept with a couple of guys, there are millions of guys to choose from, why sleep with one that I'd slept with? Just gross and overstepping a line.

Anyway, she didn't and we're still friends 25 years later.

SnapesCapes · 29/07/2015 14:52

Is she really, truly a friend?

Even when I was single/dating, there'd never have been a time when I'd have considered dating a friend's ex, it's one of those unspoken rules. I think I'd be questioning what sort of friend she is rather than lamenting the loss of her.

HotBurrito1 · 29/07/2015 15:13

I really don’t think things could be the same if she went there and developed something with him.

But if she did develop something fantastic with him with them falling helplessly in love and having a faithful committed relationship surely that would be great?

Wouldn't everyone be happy?

FeckTheMagicDragon · 29/07/2015 15:21

I get where you are coming from. My ex did this twice. One was less of a close friend than the other but It destroyed a social circle for me. He did it deliberately. He it wasn't about him - he stole my friends from me. I did not want him to be a part of my life at all. But he wanted in, so targeted them. Still upset at the loss of the support of these friends when I was a single mum and really needed them.
But they will do what they wil do. You can't control it or her. Just withdraw.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 29/07/2015 15:24

Oh and I still see them on occasion (he's long gone) and it's all nice and friendly. But shared confidences, daft nights out, shopping, play dates with the kids. Nope. All politely declined or deferred.

AyeAmarok · 29/07/2015 15:38

Really HotBurrito, so if your DP fell madly in love with your best mate and said they were soul mates, you were never The One, but your BF is, you'd happily just wave them off to start a relationship for the greater good?

I call bull!

2rebecca · 29/07/2015 15:40

How long were you with him for? All this talk of it being a big thing if your friend got together with him make it sound as though you lived together for several years, but, if you were together for several years he can't have been that bad and you must have enjoyed the relationship or you wouldn't have stayed.
If a close friend of mine got together with my exhusband it would be a bit odd but you do sound overly upset about this and I suspect your friend only isn't telling you about seeing your ex because she doesn't like you trying to tell her who she should see. Her crying about it all sounds OTT as well but you're maybe both very young. He may be a slimy toad but she maybe just fancies a brief fling with him not marriage and 2.4 kids.
It sounds as though you should disengage from both of them at the moment. It may all end badly but it may not.

2rebecca · 29/07/2015 15:43

This is someone she finished with over a year ago though not a current boyfriend. If my ex told a friend of mine I wasn't the one she was it would be stating the obvious. If I was "the one" we would still be together and we're not. Not that I believe in the "one true love" stuff.

HotBurrito1 · 29/07/2015 15:56

Ayeamarok he is her ex, not her DP, so your scenario is completely different. I wouldn't give two hoots if any of my friends got happily together with one of my exes.

BathtimeFunkster · 29/07/2015 15:57

You are finding out that your "best" friend is a liar, that she isn't on your side when it comes to someone who treats you really badly.

Of course it will ruin your friendship if she sneaks around behind be your back in front of mutual friends so she can shag a man who has really hurt you.

You don't owe her friendship.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/07/2015 16:08

"She cried and said that yes they had messaged each other but only about me as he was contacting her moaning that he loves me and why won’t I take him back. I then found out they’d met for drinks…again, she promised me nothing happened."

"I’ve never been able to shake off the feeling that something has gone on behind my back"

"I know she’s going to this event (she’s kind of lied to me about where she is going already"

I would be very uncomfortable with a friend who was deliberately lying to me, which is what she is doing to you OP. Regardless of what she was lying about. And I know how this sounds and am prepared to be flamed for it, but I'd also struggle to be friends with someone who was so fucking THICK.

"He, still, over a year since we split is contacting me every day to get back with him, to come over to his, ringing me, texting me, Facebooking me, ‘Liking’ everything I put on Facebook."

"Unfortunately, we have mutual friends and I have to deal with him and his company in a professional capacity so I do have to be civil to him most weeks through that, I think he thinks because I’m doing that, there is still a chance however I have pointed out to him many times that this is not the case."

This is, for me, a far bigger problem. This is harassment, and I think that a year on it would be perfectly sensible to warn him that any further non-professional contact from him will be regarded as such, and you WILL be going to the police about it. And then actually DO go to the police, because I'm pretty sure he won't believe you. I'm sure they'll find his - persistence - as worrying as I do.

bigbumtheory · 29/07/2015 18:09

I understand OP, but I think you need to distance yourself from them as much as possible. My friend dated my ex who stole, cheated and spoke to me like I was dirt before I got the courage to dump him. Her dating him, saying how lovely he was just reinforced what he'd told me 'it was all my fault'. I dumped her too because I felt like she condoned how awful he treated me.

Your friend is really being an idiot and a mug. Clearly, he sees this as an 'in' to your life. He'll use her and she'll come crying to you about it. I can't imagine having such low self esteem that you would hanker for someone who was after their ex constantly.

bigbumtheory · 29/07/2015 18:11

In regards to his company, can your company arrange someone else to communicate with him?

differentnameforthis · 30/07/2015 03:25

Have you never heard of the idea that friends shouldn't get with their best mate's ex?

Yes, but it still doesn't make it incestuous! And I need to stop taking things too literally? How about the op calms down & stops being so flipping dramatic?

This obviously isn't her best friend, a best friend wouldn't be pursuing & lying about ops ex, would she?

People can who they want to date, once the relationships are over & people have moved on...nobody owns anyone!

Really HotBurrito, so if your DP fell madly in love with your best mate But this isn't the op's dp! OP doesn't want him, and they have been over for ages. A friend falling for & pursuing a current dp is totally different!

Dumdedumdedum · 30/07/2015 04:33

Yab a bit u, though I see what you're saying, I think. Either resign yourself to your friend getting together wih your ex, and getting hurt/having a great relationship, whilst you keep your friendship with her separate, which could be difficult if you tend to go out together in couples, or give up on your friendship because you don't trust her. Your decision.

MammaTJ · 30/07/2015 05:06

Did I really just read that on MN? The place where people come to talk about the awful relationships they are in and how they cannot leave?

Original poster

Anxiousanne01 · 30/07/2015 08:56

Thanks for all the replies. Yes, I probably am being dramatic. I know I cannot stop two people getting together. If something is going to happen, something is going to happen, however I want to KNOW if it is so that I can then make the decision to distance myself from my friend if I want to. Because, yes, for a while, I’m afraid that is probably what I’m going to have to do.

However, she’s not giving me that opportunity is she? She’s not being an adult and being honest about things, she’s sneaking around behind my back. She’s implied she is going to be somewhere else on Saturday night when I KNOW she’s not, I know exactly where she’ll be. She must think I was born yesterday.

You know maybe if she sat down and had an honest talk with me about all of this I could feel better about the situation, but it’s the sneaking around and lying that’s making it all 100% worse. And yes, she probably is doing that as I have already told her I’ll be hurt and distance myself if she ever gets involved with him but I’m afraid actions have consequences and she can’t have her cake and eat it too. She is choosing a quick shag over a friendship. Because people of MN don’t be fooled, they are not all that compatible, they just find each other physically attractive, which is fine, but you don’t always have to act on that surely?!

I am just in 2 minds whether to text her and say I know where she’s going Sat and feel hurt that she’s not being honest with me. Or to just say nothing and wait and see if she comes clean. Her and another friend want to meet for lunch on Sunday and I honestly don’t know if I can stomach sitting across a table from her knowing where she’s been/who she’s been with the night before/that morning.

OP posts:

commentappele · 30/07/2015 09:21

If one of my friends did this I would no longer consider her a friend. As for him - he's a dick, why are you even in contact?

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