To not want my best friend to get together with my Lying/ Cheating ex?

[Anxiousanne01]

As title. Just a feeling I have. He’s really bad news, she knows it. He, still, over a year since we split is contacting me every day to get back with him, to come over to his, ringing me, texting me, Facebooking me, ‘Liking’ everything I put on Facebook. She is aware of all of this,

He’s hot, she knows it, everyone knows it, he has no trouble pulling the ladies. He’s made comments about how he finds her attractive to me before. I found out that they had been messaging each other a while back and firmly stated that it is her life, she can see who she likes but if she was to get involved with this man it would really hurt me and that I would have to withdraw from the friendship. She cried and said that yes they had messaged each other but only about me as he was contacting her moaning that he loves me and why won’t I take him back. I then found out they’d met for drinks…again, she promised me nothing happened. Since that time I don’t believe anything has as he’s been seeing other people and so has she. Now though, both are single again. I have had some information that leads me to believe they may be seeing one another at the weekend at a function.

I’ve never been able to shake off the feeling that something has gone on behind my back, I’ve just had to try and forget about it and hope that she has more respect than that, both for herself and for me. I just have a horrible feeling that something is going to happen at this event at the weekend and I know there is nothing I can do, but I am angry that she will end up lying to me about where she’s been and who she’s with.

I am half tempted to text her saying I know she’s going to this event (she’s kind of lied to me about where she is going already but I don’t want to go into too much info on here) and that I really hope she has more respect for herself than to get involved with this utter shite of a man who is still messaging her best friend everyday begging her to get back with him? Where is her self-respect? And where is her respect for me?

However I’m aware that will make me come across as a bitter looney and that I could also just be being paranoid about the whole thing. Sigh. Please be nice, I’m really trying to be rational here.

[Sometimesjustonesecond]

I think it's really gross to have sex with a friend's ex. She clearly has no loyalty to you because she knows he behaved badly towards you and she doesn't care. That's not friendship and you should drop her from a great height!

As for him, no he shouldn't ever have sex with his ex's friends. Yeuch! Are there not enough women in the world that he has to go sniffing round this one?

The whole thing is skanky Jeremy Kyle material.OP, get rid of them both and you will be happier.

[butterflygirl15]

but you tried to set him up with another friend? I still think you are way over invested - sorry.

[Spartans]

I think for most people ( me included) if I genuinely didn't have any feelings for my ex, then I wouldn't care if they were seeing my friend and wouldn't see it as a betrayal. But that's not how you see it, which is fine. But I don inserts as why some people think you have feelings for him.

He sounds like a dick. She sounds like she knows he is a dick. if you can't carry on the friendship then don't. But all this trying to piece bits of info from fb and what she said is a bit ridiculous.

Either she is your friend and your trust her or she isn't your friend

[Spartans]

Oh and setting up your ex with anyone (regardless of wether they have a a duty to be loyal to you) , when you know he is a complete dick, is very unreasonable. Why should that girl be ok to put him but your friend is too good for him?

[Fatmomma99]

I was going to post agreeing with Farfromanyroad and others too, but having read your latest, I'm trying to think differently.

I think it's quite tacky for friends to have sex/a relationship with the same guy, but I have had to learn in the past that other people don't feel the same way.

This hasn't happened to me, but I've known of a situation where girl x and boy y were together (living together) for several years, they split and after a while, he started going out with z, who is part of the same circle of friends. X is now married to someone from outside the circle and they have a child and a happy marriage (as far as I know). Y is now married to Z and they also have a child and a happy marriage (as far as I know). X, Y and Z are all still part of the same circle. I don't know how weird or not they all found it.

Unfortunately, I think (a) you have to let people make their own mistakes, and (b) (try) and put your feelings to one side and tell yourself they are both adults and can sleep with/have relationships with whoever they want.
Try to present as not minding, even if you do. It's part of the process of separating from this man in any case.
And I would say try not to let it affect your friendship.

From what you've said it seems likely they'd only have a brief fling in any case.

[Tryharder]

I have to say I think YABU.

You've been split up for ages and by your admission you have found someone else and are not interested in this man.

Maybe he's the man of her dreams and they will live happily ever after? doubtful

Nonetheless you sound about 14. Wish your friend well and let her crack on. This man is none of your business anymore.

[browneyedgirl86]

It's not incestuous. It's quite shitty of your friend absolutely. And if it were my friend I would be having second thoughts. You aren't being unreasonable. But as others said you need to get rid of both, both aren't worth your time.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Incestuous? Are they related?
I really don't see this a big deal.
I know I'm in the minority but I just don't.
Let her go out with him. Just tell her you don't want to hear anything about it - EVER. Especially not when he fucks her over as he undoubtedly will.
Let her find out for herself and let her deal with the fallout on her own.
If she's a good friend then no man should come between you.
Live and let live!

[Anxiousanne01]

I warned this girl what he was like, as did my friend who I know her through but she obviously decided to go ahead and see him anyway. That’s her prerogative, just like it’s my friends I guess.

Maybe I am just weird as I find the whole situation weird and incestuous. I’m sorry but like someone else said upthread, I think shagging your friends ex is gross…especially if you know he’s still trying to get into your friends knickers and would be there like a shot given half the chance. It IS all skanky Jeremy Kyle. I thought she had more class. I guess I was wrong. I really do think she’s planning on meeting with him at this event and I don’t think they’ll be playing scrabble.

I feel really hurt.

[flowery]

I understand why you'd feel concerned for your friend. I don't understand why you'd feel personally hurt by her involvement with someone you say you have no interest in.

[NickiFury]

I get so tired of this you must still be into him implication. It's perfectly normal to still feel angry and betrayed by someone yet never want them back in any way shape or form. Those feelings don't just disappear, because big betrayal shapes the person you are, they will always be there to a certain extent, that's not just exes, that's friends, family, bullying co-workers etc. It just adds to the frustration when people keep saying "well why do you care?" It's fine to still feel angry, those feelings help you to ward off future crap treatment.

Block him, phase her out. It's the only way. She will really regret this but unfortunately she's not thinking with her brain right now, chemical attraction has taken over and that's difficult to fight for many.

[Spartans]

It's not incestuous. Now you are being ridiculous.
So you set him up with a girl whilst telling her how awful he was?

[mojo17]

I actually understand
You have poured your heart out to your best friend who it seems agreed with you about this man and sympathised and possibly advised you on certain situations etc and you felt you were in agreement on what a shit he is
But then she wants to get with him!
It is a betrayal of your friendship imo what on earth is she thinking
You could phone her to ask her outright if she's going to this function and see what she says instead of messaging and see what happens after that
If she is a true friend then wouldn't do it
But on the other hand if it's destiny !!!

[WorraLiberty]

They probably just need to shag and get it out of their system. It might not even develop into a relationship.

But you split up with him over a year ago and now you're happily in a relationship with someone else.

It's time to move on OP. Let your friend date who she wants to.

I'm sure she wouldn't actively choose to date one of your exes, but that's who this guy happens to be and she's obviously got the hots for him.

If it were me, I would let them get on with it but tell her not to let me know the gorey details.

[MrsGentlyBenevolent]

Good lord, I'm an awful person according to you lot. I'm with a 'friend's ex', however (in my defence), he was never a slim ball - it was actually her behaviour that ruined both relationship and friendship first. I think it's far worse to initiate a relationship with a friend's partner before they are split/over them. A year is more than enough time to let the dust settle. However, it does hurt seeing a friend and an ex get together. I had a mate do this a few weeks after I broke up with a (well known cheat) guy. I just let her get on with it, I knew he'd not be able to help himself (he wasn't a bad guy, just didn't like being tied down. I've heard he's very much grown up now!). Lo and behold, a few weeks later, the friend was crying on my shoulder. As cross as I was for her jumping on my ex, I could understand how hurt she was, how easy it was to fall for this guy and what a shit he was.

If you've tried to warn her, that's all you can do. If they're going to get it in, nowt you can do I'm afraid. If you're happy with someone now, just let her make the mistake. I do suggested if he's bringing out such negative feelings you to delete him out of your life, as others have suggested.

[thecatfromjapan]

Completely agree with WorraLiberty.

[WorraLiberty]

He was never a 'slim ball' MrsGentlyBenevolent?

Bit rude to bring his weight into this....

[Anxiousanne01]

No, it’s not literally incestuous, it’s a figure of speech FGS.

Yes, I did warn this other girl. I warned her he was a bit of an arse and not really to be trusted and she said she wasn’t going to pursue anything with him, but later it came out that she obviously did. Up to her, I don’t know her, she doesn’t know me, maybe she didn’t trust my judgement :shrugs:

My friend however has seen first hand what he’s like so I would’ve thought she’d have a few more brain cells in her head, but again, maybe not.

I WISH, I really do that I could smile cheerily and happily give her my blessing, but I just can’t. I’ve confided in her re him, told her stuff, cried on her shoulder. I feel like a fool.

[WorraLiberty]

But that's all in the past now OP.

Anyway, people learn from past mistakes so there's no guarantee that he'll be an arse to her.

And if he is, then that's something she'll have to deal with. You can't shelter her from that.

But I don't think she should have to choose between a friend and a boyfriend, particularly when the boyfriend is your ex from over a year ago and you don't even have kids together.

Just try to concentrate on your own happy relationship.

[AyeAmarok]

OP people are being unfair.

Regardless of whether you're over an ex or not, your best mate going there will hurt. There are "rules" about it for a reason, you just shouldn't do it.

Your friend obviously has insecurity issues as she, on some level, wants to know (or wants you to know) she can get what you had. If she ends up in a relationship with him then she'll feel even more insecure by the sounds of him, and that does bad things to a person. She'll probably be wanting him to tell her all the bad things about you and why he cheated so she can justify it to herself that he won't do it to her.

If she's putting that need of hers over your friendship then you're right to want to cool things.

If this was Love's Young Dream then I doubt you'd stand in her way, but it's clearly not.

Her mistake to make.

[MrsGentlyBenevolent]

Haa sorry! I'll blame it on my rubbish phone Worra (urgh, apologies if left some horrid mental images there).

[WorraLiberty]

If this was Love's Young Dream then I doubt you'd stand in her way, but it's clearly not.

But that's not the OP's call to make is it?

You can't say it's 'clearly not' at this early stage. There's someone out there for everyone and who knows, these two might be a match.

But fair enough, the OP is having a difficult time accepting it so perhaps she should distance herself and let them get on with it.

[AyeAmarok]

I'd say by the fact the guy is dating other people and still pestering the OP to get back with him that he's not exactly sure this friend is the love of his life

[Anxiousanne01]

Yes Worrall and if this guy was pestering me regarding my FRIEND, telling me how much he likes HER and wants to develop something with HER and NOT messaging me weekly declaring undying love/ regret/ trying to converse with me at any available opportunity then maybe it COULD be loves young dream.

But the fact is he’s not. And if I were my friend, I would feel a bit of an idiot entertaining someone when I KNEW they were still openly hankering after my friend.

My OH knows this btw, it used to bother him, now he just laughs as he knows I wouldn’t spit on him if he was on fire.

I really don’t know what to do re my friend. I’d miss her and our friendship very much, but at the same time I really don’t think things could be the same if she went there and developed something with him.

[WorraLiberty]

OP think about it.

He’s hot, she knows it, everyone knows it, he has no trouble pulling the ladies. He’s made comments about how he finds her attractive to me before. I found out that they had been messaging each other a while back and firmly stated that it is her life, she can see who she likes but if she was to get involved with this man it would really hurt me and that I would have to withdraw from the friendship.

They clearly find each other attractive and since you threatened to dump her as a friend, do you think that might be the reason why she cried and said that yes they had messaged each other but only about me as he was contacting her moaning that he loves me and why won’t I take him back.??

I seriously doubt they're messaging each other and meeting for drinks just to discuss you especially since you split up over a year ago.

She seems to be trying to placate you and pretend it's all about you, because if she comes clean, you're going to dump her.

Two single adults shouldn't have to be in this position.