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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider dropping a friendship over one opinion?

93 replies

Hypotenuse · 27/07/2015 18:28

My religious friends are 'anti-homosexuals'. We've been friends for years and their religion has never caused any issues, just like my atheism hasn't. I just overheard the husband saying something anti-gay to his friends recently, I wasn't even part of the discussion, and now I see them completely differently. I had no idea they felt that way.

I can't seem to get past it. Is it petty to call the friendship off?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hypotenuse · 27/07/2015 19:37

I really had no idea they were anti-homosexual before I heard the husband make the comments. Hence why I said I had no idea. I just framed the post with an opening line to make it clear that was the topic up for discussion.

OP posts:
bigbumtheory · 27/07/2015 19:38

YANBU to cut off friends when it's a deal breaker situation.

yorkshapudding · 27/07/2015 19:43

I don't think I could be friends with anyone who was homophobic or didn't support equal rights for the LGBT community. If I found out one of my friends felt this way it would fundamentally change my view of them as a person.

YeOldeTrout · 27/07/2015 19:45

Really horrible to think it's your role to 'teach them something'.

DD has a close friend who thinks gayness is unnatural & gay marriage is wrong for religious reasons. They have thrashed it out a few times & finally agreed to disagree.

I think it depends exactly what your friend said, whether to continue with friendship.

WorriedMutha · 27/07/2015 19:58

Who exactly is being intolerant here? Can you really not live along side people with different views to your own?

Original poster
Hypotenuse · 27/07/2015 20:01

He said something along the lines of that being gay is damaging to children because it destroys the family unit that is supposed to be a mum and dad.

It makes my blood boil just remembering it. I think the friendship is lost if I'm honest.

Trout you're right, no adult deserves being patronised like that, they've reached their opinion; but people's opinions can change over time when exposed to different viewpoints. I could be that different viewpoint, if I can control my temper when the subject is brought up and be a rational voice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hypotenuse · 27/07/2015 20:04

Worried it's not just a different viewpoint though is it. It's not mashed potato vs roast potato, oasis vs blur; it's being intolerant and judgmental over people's inner selves. Disregarding a whole class of people, for something as simple as who they love. It's illegal, and bigotry plain and simple.

OP posts:
MaidOfStars · 27/07/2015 20:04

Living alongside people is one thing, actively choosing them as friends is another.

WorriedMutha · 27/07/2015 20:16

Sorry hypotenuse but I disagree. OP still hasn't said what her friends said. Aren't people with genuinely held religious view allowed an inner self. If someone happens not to believe in gay marriage, that's their right. It is just too easy to say that makes them a bigot which incidentally means 'intolerance to those who hold different opinions from oneself'. So who is being intolerant here?

SnapesCapes · 27/07/2015 20:21

I don't think I could remain friends with people whose views differed so vastly from my own, especially given my families propensity for creating homosexual children; my younger sister is gay, two cousins are gay and one Aunty has always said if she were to marry, it would only ever be to a woman because Men are ridiculous and do nothing for her.

It's absolutely fine to believe that homosexual behaviour is wrong. It's not fine, however, to express that opinion near me without expecting some sort of an argument.

Also, I'd be concerned over the impact those friends could have on my DCs and would react quite badly if views were expressed in front of them.

lindsaybobs · 27/07/2015 20:23

I'd have to discuss it with them first but if their opinion was set in stone I'd drop them. I've dropped homophobic or racist friends before. I cannot stand bigotry.

zzzzz · 27/07/2015 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goshthatsspicy · 27/07/2015 20:31

What did they say?

RunnerHasbeen · 27/07/2015 20:37

Is the husband the one you are closest to? I think you should have a chat with the wife, if she is your friend, to at least give her a chance. Not all married couples believe identical things and she might cringe when she hears he has been mouthing off.

I also think it is important that they know you find their views (if shared) upsetting - it can be too easy to take a view from a book and forget about real people.

Mintyy · 27/07/2015 20:37

I wouldn't have the slightest problem in cutting off a homophobic or racist friend with immediate effect. They would not be a decent or lovable person to me, I really wouldn't hesitate.

Hell, I can barely pretend to be civil to people who vote Tory Grin.

Life is too short to spend in the company of people whose views you detest.

YeOldeTrout · 27/07/2015 20:38

For me it would depend how angry/condemning it was. (For me) "Gay people are sickos who should have their kids taken away" would be too hard to take. "They aren't doing their kids any favours" is more nuanced.

DD has stayed friends with her buddy because the BFF takes the line of 'love the sinner in spite of the sin'. Friend quite accepts she's in a minority religion & she needs to respect the world full of other people who do things differently (if she wants them to respect her minority faith too).

Goshthatsspicy · 27/07/2015 20:39

MintyyGrin your Tory comment...

Mintyy · 27/07/2015 20:41

In the immortal lines of The Specials

If you have a racist friend
Now is the time now is the time for your friendship to end
Be it your sister
Be it your brother
Be it your cousin or your uncle or your lover

Just substitute the word homophobic there and repeat the mantra Op.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 27/07/2015 20:43

I've dumped a friend for racist views before. I asked them to stop and think about what they were saying, the language they were using and how offensive they were. They chose to continue. I chose not to speak to them again. I would do exactly the same thing with homophobic views. They would be disgusted if their right's were withheld if a homosexual based religion suddenly emerged and tried to deny their rights as a person. It wouldn't happen in this age though (because no one outside of fundamentalist are that self-absorbed about how they think the world should be run), but apparently we have to pander to their stupidly outdated views 'just cos religious freedom'. Nah, intolarance is just that, they're just using religion as an excuse for their own prejudice.

Oh and Worried - there's no such thing as gay marriage - it's just marriage, no prefix Smile.

Original poster
Hypotenuse · 27/07/2015 20:43

Laughed at the Tory comment, yes I have the same reaction Mintyy

OP posts:
Metacentric · 27/07/2015 20:44

If someone happens not to believe in gay marriage, that's their right.

It is. And it's our right to laugh at them.

To consider dropping a friendship over one opinion?
UnbelievableBollocks · 27/07/2015 20:44

I've ended friendships over racist and homophobic comments. I didn't make a song or dance about it, just stopped keeping in contact and moved on.

WorriedMutha · 27/07/2015 20:50

......they're just using religion as an excuse for their own prejudice. So what's your excuse?

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 27/07/2015 20:53

My excuse? For what? Hmm

WorriedMutha · 27/07/2015 20:55

Your excuse for intolerance if you really need it spelling out to you.

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