To have hugged this small boy?

[CrohnicallyAspie]

At toddler group with DD, there was a small boy (maybe around 3 years old) that had interacted with DD a couple of times. He was trying to engage people in play (adults as well as children) so I played with him a little then had to move away after DD moved to a different activity.

I'm not quite sure what happened next but a much bigger boy did something he shouldn't, his mum went to intervene and the small boy went bright red, and aimed a kick at the big boy. The mum turned round and shouted NO! and pulled the small boy away by the arm. The small boy burst into hysterical tears, frantically looked round and then dashed over to me with his arms outstretched. I instinctively scooped him into a hug and rubbed his back while he sobbed on my shoulder. I looked round for an adult and one of the play group supervisors brought his mum (she had been supervising a younger sibling) so I whispered in the boys ear that she was there and he went off happily with mum again.

I did feel very awkward sat there hugging this boy that I had only clapped eyes on 5 minutes before! So should I have fended him off or was it ok to comfort him seeing as he approached me? And isn't it unusual for a child to go to a relative stranger for comfort?

In the interests of not drip feeding, I think he may have been autistic, partly because of the fact that he came to me for comfort and partly because of the way he played (mainly spinning objects and rolling cars down a slope). If he is autistic would that affect whether or not IWBU?

I think that the OP didn't need to get involved in disciplining the small boy who was upset from the actions of an unrelated adult and giving him a quick hug was the only decent thing to do in these circumstances.

madam I never said that- I replied to giles who thought that maybe the bigger boy had been picked on the whole time, whereas in reality the bigger boy had been doing the picking on for most of there group.

the group

If it was my child I would have probably stepped in to tell him off myself before the other mother got there. But if I had seen another parent manhandle my child I probably would have comforted him yes. Kids squabble, but for an adult to be handling another parents child like when there doesn't appear to have been a particular need is unacceptable and probably quite frightening for a child.

Besides, it sounds like this mother was ignoring her own little darlings misbehaviour yet wanted other children to tiptoe round her child. To be honest it sounds to me like it was probably about time someone stood up to the little shit who was happy to pick on children who were smaller than him but has to have his Mummy step in and sort it out if they get the nerve to stand up for him.

They both sound very unpleasant and I think the smaller boy was brave to stand up to them.

I wouldn't yank but I would physically stop (block, lead off by hand) a child from kicking mine if its parent wasn't. I'd shout no/"stop that" if that was required to stop the action in its tracks too although only if asking nicely wouldn't be quick enough.
I also wouldn't mind in the slightest if someone comforted my child the way you did if I wasn't nearby.

You did the right thing. A child asks for a hug, your instinct is to hug them That makes you a kind person, IMO

Hugging a crying child - good move.

Madam

The OP is not the child's mother. The issue of discipline is nothing to do with her.

I can see that hugging a child who has been disciplined and crying because of that would be the wrong thing to do.

However, my gut feeling is that the small boy was genuinely scared by it, not crying just because he was in trouble.

Shouty woman wasn't "disciplining", she just wanted to stop her son from getting kicked. It's no odds to her if he doesn't "learn" from it or whatever.

Chronically I would hug a 3 year old who came up to me crying with arms raised too but I take issue with all the people assuming the smaller boy is the injured party when he was the one doing the kicking!

As the mum of an average sized 4 yo and a 7 yo the height of a 10 year old I can envisage that scenario playing out between my boys and the only "sin" committed by the big one to upset the little one being not to hand over the "best" toy car on demand but to offer another instead

My bigger boy was also given a black eye at about age 4 by a butter - wouldn't - melt golden haired "little" boy a head shorter who was actually 6 months older (DS didn't know how to react as we'd taught him to be gentle with "little" children - luckily Kindergarten staff saw it happen from the other side of the garden so didn't assume it must somehow be the big boy's fault automatically. ..)

As for people thinking parents should be hovering over their kids within arms reach to intervene before anything happens... how is that even possible with more than one child? Without getting into whether it's evendesirableto give kids no space whatsoever once they are past the tiny toddler stage...

Not sure why the big boys mum would be hovering anyway. He doesn't seem to have done anything wrong except be faster with a bucket and quicker on the slide.

Nur I take your point, I don't know what the bigger boy did, it could have been something genuinely upsetting or it could have been something innocent that the smaller child just didn't like.

So to sum up- hugging sort of ok if he initiated but be aware some mums might feel it undermines discipline
Don't shout at or grab other peoples kids unless an emergency
Firm word ok
Blocking a child from hurting another ok

So it's ok to go in front of a toddler who is positioning themselves carefully at the top of the slide ready to go down, so long as you don't actually push?

It's ok to put your bucket under the tap so the kid who is filling their bucket at the time suddenly doesn't get any more water in it?

And just be mindful that told off kids often turn on the waterworks so unsuspecting adults feel sorry for them.

oh and never hug a child who's in time out. assume any child crying in the corner has been placed there fir a reason and needs a time out not a cuddle

Oh and never assume the littlest kid is the victim.

You would be surprised at what they "babies" ate capable of tryst me

If you're a small child then, yes. I'd say those things were "ok". Not best behaviour but I wouldn't take a second glance.

I wouldn't call it "intimidating".
Also my 3yr old is a good foot taller than some of her friends so I wouldn't necessarily assume a bigger child is older.

By all means judge the child on his behaviour, but don't make the mistake of bringing his size and weight into the equation, a kick from a small and skinny child hurts too! He may be bigger and chubbier, it doesn't mean he is older or more mature. You completely excuse the smaller child for trying to kick, but seem to rather more harshly judge the bigger boy for minor things like not taking turns using the bucket and slide?

What happened with the mum who grabbed the childs arm? I would be more concerned about that.
If I had witnessed that I would have said something to them or play group leader.

what!! she was pulling off someone attacking her child! It is perfectly acceptable to restrain a child who is a danger to himself or to others.

I make no assumptions as to the bigger child's age, I really have no idea if he was 3,4 or 5. I used the word 'intimidating' because of his behaviour combined with his size, I couldn't think of a better way to put it. I would take a second glance at the behaviour if it was my DD doing it, nothing major but a gentle reminder to wait her turn. It might not be unusual for that behaviour to happen, but it's not ok (ok meaning, go ahead and carry on doing it).

I judge the bigger boy more harshly because a) during the session he repeatedly did things, the smaller boy had one transgression (that I saw, I mean, I'm not saying it was definitely a one off but it seemed like every time I saw the big boy he was doing something he probably shouldn't, the smaller boy had several nice interactions with my DD)
And b) the smaller boy seemed to be doing something in retaliation, he was upset and kicked out
And c) and I'm probably going to get flamed for this, but the smaller boy's behaviour (turning red, crying, running) seemed reminiscent of one of my own meltdowns. I'm not saying it was a meltdown, I'm not diagnosing him with autism, I'm just saying he seemed to me to have lost control and needed help to regain it. I could well have been projecting my own thoughts and feelings onto the situation.

starbrite I don't actually know, that never occurred to me to be honest.

Madam

A 3 year old. Good Lord. It's perfectly possible to stop another person's small child in their tracks without touching them. How do you think teachers manage?

What a lot of discussion about a toddler spat

she was pulling off someone attacking her child!

No she wasn't.

Yes, the smaller boy aimed a kick but he was not an attacking child who needed to be pulled off, that is over stating it going by what the OP (who was there) said.