To have hugged this small boy?

[CrohnicallyAspie]

At toddler group with DD, there was a small boy (maybe around 3 years old) that had interacted with DD a couple of times. He was trying to engage people in play (adults as well as children) so I played with him a little then had to move away after DD moved to a different activity.

I'm not quite sure what happened next but a much bigger boy did something he shouldn't, his mum went to intervene and the small boy went bright red, and aimed a kick at the big boy. The mum turned round and shouted NO! and pulled the small boy away by the arm. The small boy burst into hysterical tears, frantically looked round and then dashed over to me with his arms outstretched. I instinctively scooped him into a hug and rubbed his back while he sobbed on my shoulder. I looked round for an adult and one of the play group supervisors brought his mum (she had been supervising a younger sibling) so I whispered in the boys ear that she was there and he went off happily with mum again.

I did feel very awkward sat there hugging this boy that I had only clapped eyes on 5 minutes before! So should I have fended him off or was it ok to comfort him seeing as he approached me? And isn't it unusual for a child to go to a relative stranger for comfort?

In the interests of not drip feeding, I think he may have been autistic, partly because of the fact that he came to me for comfort and partly because of the way he played (mainly spinning objects and rolling cars down a slope). If he is autistic would that affect whether or not IWBU?

Oh and he physically used my dd to stand on to climb up. so actually I really did feel like yelling at him

I am going to go against the grain here.I think ywbu, THE kid had been disciplined for trying to boot another child, you shouldn't be going in with hugs and sympathy! He had been naughty!

Did I misread, or was the small boy not just reacting to the bigger boy doing something to instigate it? So the small boy was basically defending himself?

I think it's reasonable to comfort the smaller boy in that situation.

He hadn't been disciplined, he'd been shouted at and pulled by an angry stranger.

OP, you weren't unreasonable. I would probably have taken him to his mother and explained what had happened though.

I don't think the Op knows if or what the other boy did.But even if he did say something unkind, you can't just round kicking people!

Aspie or not you did the right thing OP and I'm glad you can come to Mumsnet to ask about social situations and what to do in them.x

giles this boy was GRABBED by his arm though! Not ok in ANY circumstances other than if someone's life was at risk or serious injury.

Well then people need to keep a better eye on their kids then. so their not free to go round kicking people. whatever the consensus on the grabbing and the yelling at least the other mum dealt with her kid.

at least the other mum dealt with her kid.

We don't know that she "dealt with him" she went to intervene. The OP never said whether the woman disciplined her own child at all. The other mother was supervising a younger sibling, not sitting about chatting and drinking tea.

Yes culture that's it, I don't know what exactly the bigger boy did but the small boy was upset first and then went to kick, it was clearly a reaction.

giles and madam thank you for your thoughts, this is why I posted-to see what different people thought. However I didn't 'go in' with hugs and sympathy, he approached me (actually he more or less threw himself, I was sitting on the floor at the time so would have struggled to fend him off anyway). Besides, she didn't firmly tell him 'no' she had him by the arm and shouted it (I don't like loud sudden noises and I winced even though I was 10ft or so away, so I did feel sorry for the kid).

So do you think instead of cuddling him, I should have tried to physically remove him, or passively let him cuddle me without any reciprocation?

I think you did totally the right thing and if the small boy was my child I'd of been very grateful to you for comforting him.

I think you should have taken him to his mother and explained.

I agree you can't kick other people, obviously. The small child made a bad decision when apparently confronted by an older boy. Which should have been avoided by one or both of them being supervised. The mum of the older boy reacted very badly and didn't handle it well resulting in the smaller boy being upset/scaredand retreating to a nearby "safe" adult.

soup I didn't know who his mother was, one of the playgroup workers saw and fetched his mum. I didn't see what happened after, I just know when I said she was there he got off me and ran to her. I was supervising my own DD so didn't see what follow up, if any, there was.

giles so I should leave my DD unsupervised to go and find a child's mum when I don't even know what she looks like?

The playgroup worker fetched mum, I assume she filled her in on what happened too.

Maybe this other mum is sick of unsupervised children hitting on her kid, and getting away with it cos no one else is watching. ....

Just like she wasn't watching her kid when he had an altercation with a younger child?

And being fed up of other children doesn't justify her behaviour at all. It was not the right way to handle the situation at all.

I think you did the right thing. What was the alternative? Pushing him away?

I didn't say it was the right way to handle it. just that if a kids been told off, and rightly so, parents aren't always pleased that someone undermines that with hugs and cuddles.

given the play worker took the kid back this kid is not actually going to get told off as no one know s what happened. so on that sense the woman was the only one to say or do anything and that got undone with a cuddle and probably hugs from.the mum.who has no idea what he just did

Giles if I saw that a stranger had yanked a 3 year old by his arm I would hug him no matter WHAT he had done. And that is the right thing to do. People should not yank children. Especially not their OWN.

giles to be fair, I think the bigger boy could handle himself, he was over a head taller than the small boy and chubby, the small boy was very skinny. And the big boy had been intimidating (can't think of a better way to put it) the other children- not physically but charging past slower toddlers on the slide, they were playing with water and he reached over to the tap and got his bucket under there when other children were trying to fill their own, that sort of thing.

Giles the play worker did see what happened, she was standing behind the bigger boy, but for some reason the small boy didn't go to her. Just thought, maybe it was because I was sitting on the floor and all the other adults were standing, I must have seemed less threatening?

But this is it though isn't it. People "assume" both kids needed telling from the sound of it. and I don't condone him.being grabbed or yanked. but my Dds have been the victims of these unsupervised children and it is unfair kids can go crying to mummy when told no by someone else and nothing actually gets done about them hurting someone.

oh he's bigger he can handle himself or the little boy looked upset after or he's nervous/tired/hungry isn't an excuse.

If I hadn't been where I was at the park dd could really have been hurt. as it was she was stood on and pushed/shoved. that's not ok. cos she was bigger than the boy who did it. and I honestly wouldn't be impressed of he'd not been told off for it.

I think you did the right thing. What was the alternative?
So if your own child is naughty, you tell them off and they turn on the waterworks, you give them hugs? Or if he had kicked your own kid you would have hugged him?

he was over a head taller than the small boy and chubby, the small boy was very skinny.
Oh well, that's alright then- he deserved a kicking {hmm}