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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel jealous of friend

61 replies

Meanjealousmate · 27/07/2015 11:05

I have name changed as I am embarrassed to admit how jealous I am of my friend.

We were best friends at school and then at university she met a medical student. She is now happily married to a successful doctor and they live in a huge beautiful home with two gorgeous little girls and she is a sahm and always looks like she's doing exciting and fun filled trips and lovely holidays, perfect haircuts and expensive makeup.

In contrast I have a rubbish job and poky flat and no time to meet anyone!

I know I'm BU but I get so sad and jealous of her life!

OP posts:

tilliebob · 27/07/2015 13:41

I'm jealous of lots of my friends for different reasons mainly because I'm never happy but I know many of them are jealous of aspects of my life too. Point is that grass is always greener and no one is totally happy with all aspects of their life

nemo81 · 27/07/2015 13:52

Up until recently i was jealous of one of my friends. Slim, blonde, good part time job, lives at home, no kids and can come and go as she pleases. Then she turnt round to me one day and said how jealous she is of my large happy family, that i'm at uni studying what i want to, i have my own place and a bloke. The grass isn't always greener... Although i would like to experience my friends life for one week

theconstantvacuumer · 27/07/2015 13:53

I am a SAHM although my husband isn't a high earner and we don't have a fancy house etc. We have a comfortable home and lifestyle. However, all of that is dependent on DH's job. This comes before everything else. Sometimes he doesn't see the kids during the week as he's home late. He very rarely attends parent/teacher meetings, sports days, assemblies. My career has fallen by the wayside and because of the vagaries of DHs job, I'm not able to go to college and update skills or retrain. I imagine being married to a doctor is the same but worse. When everything depends on one persons job, it takes away an awful lot of choice for the other person, especially where there are kids involved.

ithinkalittlepeecameout · 27/07/2015 13:54

As usual the SAHM basher has to have a say.
Really Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost SAHM=scrounger sitting on her arse all day, living off her dh's success.

theconstantvacuumer · 27/07/2015 13:56

There's always one douche

yorkshapudding · 27/07/2015 14:03

I have a friend who sounds very similar to yours. I used to envy her 'easy' life as I couldn't envision what it must be like to have no money worries. It turned out that her wealthy husband had been cheating on her for years with multiple women. He eventually left her for one of them and she was devastated. I suddenly realised how silly I was for feeling envious of her. When you take away the rich husband and all the stuff that his money brings..what is there left to envy? She may have been gorgeous but all that time spent on her hair, make up and perfectly put together outfits hadn't been enough to stop her scumbag of a Husband from betraying her over and over again and eventually casting her aside for someone else. Money may make life easier most of the time but there are some things (lonliness, divorce, health issues etc.) it can't protect you from.

ImperialBlether · 27/07/2015 14:04

Let's hope she is happy.

OP, you need to be looking at your own life and how you can improve it rather than looking at someone else's life. What would you like to be different in your life?

Nielsbohr · 27/07/2015 14:09

I'm married to someone v successful and well known and I know lots of people my family are envious and it feels so horrible and isolating. I didn't plan this or seek it out. He wasn't successful when I married him. We've separated because I couldn't live with him but I suppose I don't really have to work anymore although I do. I know I'm super privileged and luckier than most but I don't feel superior. It's just luck. And in lots of other areas I'm not so lucky. But my friend came in to my new house the other day and she said I hate feeling jealous of people. At least she articulated it. Many many many of my friends have dumped me for being a 'jammy bitch' and lots of others are openly aggressive to and about me. People who are happy in themselves don't give a shit about it tho and seem to see past the money etc to where I am ie massively worried about ds1 for instance. But the nasty stuff is quite overt and is making me v anxious. I've been shut out of friendship groups quite pointedly. All people I grew up with who make out that I don't want to be friends with them anymore.
Inequality breeds distrust and misery IMHO.
I hope you can keep loving your friend OP despite her good fortune.

ImperialBlether · 27/07/2015 14:15

I'm sorry your marriage didn't work out, Nielsbohr and am amazed that your friend said she was jealous when you'd separated, just because you had a nice house.

It sounds like there are a lot of people you need to drop from your life; they're not good for you.

FundamentalistQuaker · 27/07/2015 14:17

Please don't feel inferior. And all the advice not to take people at face value is very sound.

I've been there-I'm now married with children, but I married late after a lot of quite lonely years and it really does get to you sometimes.

But I was always surprised that some people envied me. I had my own place, a good career and took care over my appearance. So people thought I was in some English version of Sex and the City: single, glam, clothes-shopping and cocktail-swaffing lifestyle. Hah! The loneliness, fear and the house that had 'the inhabitant of this place is not coping' written all over it could not be seen.

Work out what you want to have, and what you want to change, and go from there. Your friend's life might not suit you anyway.

Orrery · 27/07/2015 14:19

I really love these sorts of threads on MN - great advice, great stories, great community :) Many have already said - 'grass is greener', 'things aren't always what they seem' - we don't ever really know what trade-offs people have made to get to where they are, or what they are prepared to sacrifice in the future. And very few people would say they have everything they ever wanted, or have everything everyone else wants!

I would try and think about what it is about her or your friendship that you enjoy - have you thought about why this friend, with her seemingly perfect life, is friends with you if your life is as bad as you think it is? Maybe she admires you in ways you haven't even thought of, maybe she enjoys your company in ways you wouldn't have even thought were important. Hard not to be envious when we don't like what we have, but if you did have everything you wanted, would you still be friends?

achieve6 · 27/07/2015 14:21

I have a friend who make me feel like this even though I'm happy with my life

well - actually - not happy with the way career & money stuff has worked out but tend to count blessings. sometimes I see her and get hit with a big wave of jealousy that lasts for about a day.

I don't believe the approach of "you don't know what their life is really like" because sometimes you do. I don't begrudge her a minute's happiness. I was just stupid not to work harder - and smarter in money terms - when I was young and energetic. It is only right that she reaps rewards from having been sensible enough to do that. I wasn't lazy, I just didn't realise how much I could make in a short space of time and how much I'd lose interest as I went along.

She is also very slim and beautiful. but I love her.

anyhoo, I understand.

Nielsbohr · 27/07/2015 14:27

Thanks Imperial

froggyjump · 27/07/2015 15:42

i used to feel jealous of my sister who lived abroad, and had a glamorous job for a major international company, swanky apartment etc, while I had a poky house, crummy p/t job I hated.

But....she was also jealous of me, living near family with a DH and 2 kids, while she was pretty lonely!

Since then, she has a partner and child, I have a new job and slightly bigger house, and we are both able to discuss the differences in our lives in a positive way!

Elsashmelsa · 27/07/2015 15:49

OP, YANBU but I am trying to take note of what other PPs have written.

My DSis has a friend like your friend. However, I found out last week that through her boredom she just spends money. Unbeknown to her DH (until last week when she had to tell him), she has run up £70k of debt.

He can no longer trust her and has told her that he wants a divorce. Her lovely life is coming crashing down.

I am envious of anyone who loves their job!! I hate mine but the benefits (fairly good money, ability to work from home etc) unfortunately mean that the practicalities of the job outweigh the fact that I am permanently miserable. I know that sounds crazy, but seriously, if I gave up work tomorrow, we would really really struggle and where we live, I have no chance of earning anywhere near even a third of what I'm currently earning. I'm trying to find a way out of it but I'm really struggling to see a way.

Also, we're desperate for a DC2 (although DD is even more desperate for a baby brother or sister) and after 3 years of TTC, various tests and a Laparoscopy for me, it just hasn't happened. So we're having to give up (I've just turned 41).

Now I'm wallowing... Sorry OP!

Baddz · 27/07/2015 15:56

Don't feel jealous.
My sister has a huge house, several holidays a year, new Car, can buy whatever she wants, laughs at me and my budgets :)
BUT she is and always has been a single parent as her dh works away and never has much to do with their DC :(
She is stressed to the hilt, has no support from him and is, I think, very unhappy.
She shops as a way of feeling better.
Not my idea of a nice life tbh.

HPsauciness · 27/07/2015 16:15

I wouldn't want my entire happiness in life to rest on my partner and his success. Too much can happen, not just divorce (which is common) but disability, accidents or you may just not get on. If you pop over toe Relationships you will find lots of women who would like to divorce or separate but are worried about their financial futures.

I have been happiest in life when I am self-reliant. I do love my husband, don't get me wrong, but I like earning my own income, progressing in my own career. I wouldn't find marrying a reasonably well-off doctor a very tempting life prospect, plus I know lots of drs/med students and I'm not sure they always make the best partners (I'm sure some do, but in general it's a very demanding job).

RosePetels · 27/07/2015 16:23

I think it's natural to be a bit jealous when people have what you want. I'm a bit jealous of my sister because of simular reasons.

OllyBJolly · 27/07/2015 17:02

*Let's hope she is happy.

OP, you need to be looking at your own life and how you can improve it rather than looking at someone else's life. What would you like to be different in your life?*

Wise words from ImperialBlether

I hate how threads like this usually descend to "but they won't be really happy. They'll have a miserable existence underneath". Maybe not. Maybe their life is as near perfect as it seems. Everyone is different. You're different. There will be people out there who envy something about you..

My life turned around when an almost stranger told me that unless I learned to like myself I'd never be happy. Empty words I thought at the time but she was so right. I envy a lot of things about my friends - one is very assertive, one always knows what to do in difficult situations, one is just so much fun, one has a beachfront house with a luxury yacht - but I don't want their lives. Mine isn't perfect by a long shot but I'm mostly happy with who I am and how I live.

Jealousy is destructive and can often be solved just by looking at the situation differently.

Baddz · 27/07/2015 17:19

Comparison is the theif of joy

lastuseraccount123 · 27/07/2015 17:28

OP jealousy is a normal human emotion, so you're not doing anything wrong.

I don't know if this will help you or not, but when I'm jealous it generally means that I need to change something in my own life. y'know, that i have some control over changing.

Beboldbestrong · 27/07/2015 17:49

I was once told to concentrate on making my own garden as green as it can be rather than staring out the window at others'. It made a lot of sense at the time, hope you feel more positive soon OP x

WorzelsCornyBrows · 27/07/2015 18:04

I have genuinely never felt this, but I can understand why many do, maybe it's just not in my nature, or maybe I get that you can't judge other people's lives based on outward appearances, I don't know.

That's not to say I'm always happy with my life, I just tend to compare it to what I want my life to be, rather than comparing it against other people. I'm sure most people have days when they think their lot in life is shit, and other days when we're pretty thankful for what we have.

I'd say yanbu, but try not to feel this way. I'm guessing most of what you see of her life is what she chooses for the world to see, probably through FaceBook. FB ain't real, it's just a glimpse of the good bits of everyone's lives.

tormentil · 27/07/2015 18:12

I'm jealous of my friend at the moment because she has a growing social life and I don't. She as new to the community in which I live and we saw quite a lot of each other. Now her social circle has grown and she's being invited to spend time with people with whom I have never been close.

I'm finding it very tricky and am also feeling left out. I feel stressed trying to remain neutral.

I do think it's natural to feel jealous when differences in circumstances develop and there is less shared experience.

OP - maybe a bit of you is holding onto the past?

The80sweregreat · 27/07/2015 18:12

Its so hard - we've all been there. Reading rainings post though goes to prove that things arnt always what they seem!

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