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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not announce my pregnancy until after my 12 week scan?

33 replies

Spicysugars · 27/07/2015 10:57

Hello, myself and OH have decided not to tell anyone else (including parents), about this baby until after the 12 weeks scan, when we know everything is okay, fx, and we have a lovely little picture to show.

I've voiced this to my midwife since she asked today, and she believes I'm being unreasonable considering my age and the fact it wasn't planned.

I can understand this, since I'm only 17 (18 before bubba arrives), and OH is just 21, but I still believe it's reasonable to announce our news when I feel comfortable to, since 1. We're both adults who have our own place and work, and 2. Neither of us will be expecting or needing financial assistance, although a little emotional and loving support will of course be lovely (like every other new parent could do with).

Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

As I say, it would be quite different if I was financially and emotionally dependant on my family, but I'm not and I think it's okay to have a bit of privacy for now.

Thank you x

OP posts:
scatterthenuns · 27/07/2015 10:59

Depends where you live I think. If you are living as an independent adult, do as you please. But if you are living with either of your families now, you need to give them as much time as possible to adjust to the changes.

scatterthenuns · 27/07/2015 11:00

Apologies, missed the mention of your own place. Crack on then. I wouldn't announce a pregnancy until after 12 weeks either.

Rivercam · 27/07/2015 11:02

16 years, when I was first pregnant, announcing at 12 weeks was the norm, although some people had started to announce at 8 weeks. Before 8 weeks, hardly anyone announced their pregnancy.

If you want to wait until 12 weeks, then wait. Don't feel pressurised into making decisions you don't feel happy with.

DoJo · 27/07/2015 11:02

I haven't told my parents or in-laws about either of my pregnancies before the 12 week scan, and if there is no reason why you feel they 'deserve' to know (ie bearing responsibility for housing, clothing and feeding you and the baby) then I don't see why it should be any different for you just because of your age. Presumably you are a responsible and independent person given that you are already living by your own means, so you are free to do what you want! It's not as though there's much your parents can/will do about the news either way - what does you midwife think you will gain from telling them? Congratulations on your news, by the way!

WorraLiberty · 27/07/2015 11:03

It's your choice.

I announced my pregnancies before the piss was dry on the stick Grin

But we're all different.

MummaGiles · 27/07/2015 11:04

Given your circumstances I think you're being reasonable to wait if you want to. It would maybe be different if you were still living at home but it sounds like you're financially independent etc and can deal with this yourselves.

Fatmomma99 · 27/07/2015 11:06

Congrats on your news.

I think it's your baby and your choice. In my experience, my friends sussed me before I'd even taken the test (I knew there was a good chance I might be pregnant) because it was DH's b.day and I wasn't drinking (I said I was on anti-bioltics, but they saw through it instantly).

I would also say that if the worse happens, would you want comfort from your family? Or would you want to deal with it on your own? Because that would factor into my decision making.

Hope all goes well.

cookiefiend · 27/07/2015 11:07

If you are independent then your MW is being very rude. We waited until 12 weeks. I guess the midwife is basing her assumptions on your age. Just ignore her. Congratulations x

ollieplimsoles · 27/07/2015 11:08

Cant see anything wrong with it really, what do you think your families reactions will be? If you think they might react a bit shocked and not happy due to your age, they might spoil your happy time with all their questions.

If you think they might need time to adjust then maybe tell them a bit early

MamaDoGood · 27/07/2015 11:09

I was 17 when pregnant, 18 three weeks before DS1 was born and reading your OP was like stepping back in time for me.

Good luck OP, I wish you a wonderful pregnancy x

Original poster
Spicysugars · 27/07/2015 11:10

Hi all, yes we both have very stable incomes and even I myself work full time.

I understand some women announce their good news the moment a second line appears, it's just I'm a bit cautious because miscarriage percentages go down so much after the 12 week mark and aren't as likely. Again, that's just what I feel comfortable with.

My midwife thinks they should all know because she says given my age, I'm likely to need a lot of practical support. I have to disagree really, since my brother is only 18 months old and I did help raise him from birth to 4 months, due to medical reasons beyond my mother's control.

I think one of the hardest things about this pregnancy is realizing he really isn't my own, and will no longer be my priority. There is a very strong bond there, which again won't fade, but in reality I've someone who needs my all and rightly so, but his Mummy is thankfully all well again so there shouldn't be an issue there (or so I like to think lol).

OP posts:
Original poster
Spicysugars · 27/07/2015 11:11

MamaDoGood,
Thank you Thanks

It came as a surprise but a lovely one at that Wink

OP posts:
TheRealAmyLee · 27/07/2015 11:19

Congratulations.

Sounds like you and your partner are independent from your parents, serious about each other and super excited about this. You have more than many of your age and a great start for a baby. There is no reason I can see to tell before you are ready.

crumblybiscuits · 27/07/2015 11:20

I would not announce to the general public, I did with my last pregnancy and they ended up detecting an abnormality at the twelve week scan. The baby was born sleeping in May and I had someone ask me yesterday how many weeks I was as I don't have a bump. To have to explain that you aren't pregnant anymore is awful. However I would definitely tell my parents again in case we had a repeat as you do need to lean pretty heavily on them. I hope that you have a smooth and healthy pregnancy OP.

cjt110 · 27/07/2015 11:24

Your baby, your pregnancy, your choice.

We told our parents early but no-one else.

littlejohnnydory · 27/07/2015 11:29

It's completely up to you. Your midwife is making a lot of assumptions about your levels of independence and your relationship with your family.

Would you tell them if you had a miscarriage? If a severe abnormality was detected? If not then don't be pressured into telling them yet.

ninetynineonehundred · 27/07/2015 11:30

Congratulations on your pregnancy op and wishing you an easy and joyous pregnancy and birth Flowers

For me I would tell very close people precisely because of the miscarriage risk . If things don't go well the support can be invaluable.
It's entirely up to you and the dad though. How does he feel about telling people?

MrsPatrickDempsey · 27/07/2015 11:35

Agree with the others that there isn't necessarily a norm and you should do what's right for you but I will put another spin on it and am sorry if it seems a little insensitive but I am being realistic. I was a later announcer with my pregnancies but unfortunately had bad news at my 12 week scan. After this found that I needed people to know about my loss - not everyone but family, a couple of friends and the two random mums that saw me sobbing the in nursery car park! I was a midwife at the hospital were I was scanned and was treated so some of my colleagues knew too. I could not have kept it secret. Just do what feels right congrats.

ExConstance · 27/07/2015 11:43

With my second pregnancy I was 10 weeks at Christmas and announced it then. Sadly I lost the baby about 10 days later. It was really distressing having to let all the family know and it made it even worse for me when I was already grieving to have the memory of the happy announcement just a short while before. Leave it to 12 weeks, I think it is the only sensible thing to do.

AlpacaMyBags · 27/07/2015 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Madredear · 27/07/2015 11:48

Hello again, I'm really sorry for your losses, there's nothing worse than losing a child.

My OH is super keen on telling everyone, I have to remind him daily that I'd actually be quite peeved if he did tell anyone.

I knows he's on the verge of telling his Mother.. He's dead if he breathes a word lol Wink

Sighing · 27/07/2015 11:50

I've experienced some unwanted reactions following losses. As such any pregnancy news (currently 8 weeks, around time of all losses) will wait until 20 or so weeks and will not be some big reveal. Best wishes for your pregnancy Flowers

IssyStark · 27/07/2015 11:52

I would keep it quiet unless there were reasons a particular person had to know, for example if there is a risk at work (if you work with chemicals) or you have bad morning sickness etc.

diddl · 27/07/2015 11:57

I say tell people when you want.

We told parents at 16wks with first.

Wanted to get past the 12wks & 16wks was the first time that we would all be together following that so waited til then to tell them all at the same time.

BlueKarou · 27/07/2015 12:03

Congratulations! Definitely keep it to yourself if that's what you want to do.

I wish I'd had the chance to do that. I got pregnant through IVF and needed my Mum to drive me to/from an appointment where I was sedated. This, of course, meant she knew everything from the beginning... and told a few family members... despite my not wanting her to. It's really upset me to the point of not wanting to tell her anything else as I don't trust her not to tell the world. I'm now waiting for my 12 week scan appointment to come through, and the only people I get to tell are my work colleagues, which isn't quite as special as telling friends and family.

Some things are more than justifiable to keep to yourself for a while.