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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

apparently ds would behave a lot better if I was stricter

80 replies

DorothyL · 26/07/2015 21:48

He is on the spectrum and has a myriad of behavioural and health difficulties. He is really hard work, and we are working on/with him every day. But hey, apparently it's as easy as a few slaps to sort it outHmm

Aibu to want to move to the outer Hebrides?

OP posts:
Pixel · 29/07/2015 00:01

LeChien I do remember the woman behind the counter in the post office helpfully asking me if I'd thought of taking ds to the park (he was lying on the floor at my feet but I was letting him because it was easier than trying to stop him from running out of the door while I queued). Because that would solve everything, obviously. This was after I'd had to endure the mutterings behind me such as "I know what I'd do if he were mine" and other gems.
Honestly I went home seething (because ds went to the park ALL the time) and brooding on all the brilliant remarks I could have said if only I'd thought of them.

ProudAS · 29/07/2015 06:40

If discipline was a cure for autism it would have been eradicated decades ago.

ProudAS · 29/07/2015 06:48

I'm 39 and my mum us still struggling to accept my ASD traits.

As a child I was frightened into "behaving" - it's only gone and left me with additional problems on top of having to live with an ASD in a neurotypical world but anything for a "well behaved" child.

Cindy34 · 29/07/2015 06:58

With children (and adults) on the spectrum I find that the key can be routines and structure. No sudden surprises. Avoid anxiety, avoid known triggers, get on and enjoy the things they like doing, not forcing then to fit into some 'ideal world'. Everyone is different, embrace it.

Original poster
DorothyL · 29/07/2015 07:23

Cindy, the point of this thread is sort of that I know all that...

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 29/07/2015 07:32

ahh yes, the old they didn't have autism in MY day...

well yes, 'they' did. It's just if you could function at all, you were that 'weird' kid and you got bullied and laughed at but rarely understood or accepted and if your asd was significant, you got put into a Special School and nobody ever knew about you or saw you out and about.

Sympathies, Dorothy. If I had a quid for every piece of 'advice' I have had that has been unworkable, ridiculous and showing a total lack of any understanding of the nature of asd I'd, well, I'd now be able to employ my own hitman to kill everyone who gave me advice that was unworkable, ridiculous and showing a total lack of any understanding of the nature of asd Grin

All through the toddler years I had to listen to my mother saying trust in X (whichever of my kids she was on about at that particular time), they'll come through/grow out of it/be ok.

"Trust in X."

I need a bloody medal, I do.

And don't get me started of bloody rainman.

WanderingTrolley1 · 29/07/2015 07:33

Flowers Dorothy.

It's very difficult, isn't it?

My DS, 16, is ASD. He has settled down, somewhat, but his younger years were quite horrific. I was a single parent, too.

His behaviour and pearls of wisdom from others bothered me in a big way. I stopped taking him out in the end (which only compounded the stresses).

DS2 is only 2, but I know he's autistic, so will no-doubt be subject to passing comments again. I have a thicker skin these days...

WanderingTrolley1 · 29/07/2015 07:36

Oh, yes, Fenella - "he'll grow out of it" really rubs, as does "he's got a bit of autism".

sigh

wevecomeonholidaybymistake · 29/07/2015 08:09

People who say "I reckon he's a bit on the " spectrum" " about someone they find weird, like some kind of insult. They say it in front of me all smiley like I'll be amused.
You're not funny, my child is autistic, why would you use it as an insult?

Fuckers.

LeChien · 29/07/2015 08:10

Does anyone else get irritating well meaning blog links pointing out all the simple cures for ASD?
Things like a long course of antibiotics, limited diets, supplements, strict parenting.
Which then turns into another stick to beat you with because you haven't tried every little thing possible to cure your child, when you're already putting every ounce of energy into getting through another day.

summerainbow · 29/07/2015 11:03

Heard this yesterday from a nurse that worked at child devopement centre at hospital. And some one else said here here . This was after I had told them I raised 2 autistic sons .

I just let it me be . I can't fight e every battle .

FundamentalistQuaker · 29/07/2015 12:25

I've never forgiven George Osbourne for calling Gordon Brown autistic in the House of COmmons. I was copletely shocked. And the Speaker said nothing. So apparently it is ok to throw that out as an insult in a Parliamentary debate.

insanityscatching · 29/07/2015 12:42

OP I had it for years with ds who has autism and had challenging behaviour. The favourite was "He needs a good smack".I got it so often that I used to reply that when smacking cured autism the Doctor would put it on prescription and when he did I'd smack him.
My most memorable occasion was when a bloke had a go at me and ds in the newsagents not knowing that my extremely fierce, very large and very intimidating and protective father was waiting outside. Once df had had a serious word about the error of his ways complete with a few prods to the chest he felt more than obliged to make a loud and humble apology in front of the assembled audience before df dismissed him advising that he wouldn't be as nice if it ever happened again.Grin

LineRunner · 29/07/2015 12:46

Fundamentalist, ffs! And just when I thought I couldn't loathe Gideon any more than I already do.

FundamentalistQuaker · 29/07/2015 18:01

I know, I know. Unforgivable.

And odd, given his great friend and colleague Cameraon had a disabled child, that Osbourne should fall back on another form of disability as an insult.

Indantherene · 29/07/2015 20:09

Luckily the one person in our family who would have been likely to say things like that - DM - saw DS (ADHD) at his worst on a regular basis.

DD is not affected in quite the same way so when she stays with grandma she doesn't get her meds, because "she doesn't need it when she's with me" Confused.

Then she's saying "she doesn't listen", "she doesn't focus", "she's in her own little world". Angry

Not quite the same, but we've been there. I used to ask if they'd like to have DS for the week and then tell me afterwards what I was doing wrong. Not surprised we had no takers.

MrsBobDylan · 29/07/2015 20:36

My late Dad used to say that it wasn't that my DS 'wouldn't' do something or behave in a certain way, it was because he 'couldn't'. He was so proud of DS when we went out and was very firm with me if I started to feel awkward if people complained or muttered about us.

He taught me to hold my head high and ignore the judgemental idiots.

I thought of my Dad today when DS shouted 'fuck you' in John Lewis. It made me laugh to think of my Dad not giving a toss what people thought!

TwoLeftSocks · 29/07/2015 21:11

What a great dad MrsBobDylan!

Ds1 has ADHD and several good friends with ASD and I've heard the 'needs a good slap' line and others a few times.

I normally say something polite but in my head I'm shouting 'Fuck off and read a book you ignorant idiot!' I do wonder if I'll say it accidentally out loud some day.

Original poster
DorothyL · 09/08/2015 06:50

Latest "input" I've had: my girls suffer because I don't keep ds in check, and if I talked to them I would find out.

Who knew that yiu were meant to talk to children? ????

OP posts:
Fairylea · 09/08/2015 07:09

Op I feel for you. People are so often total idiots when it comes to understanding additional needs.

My son is 3.5 and has severe autism. Just yesterday I was pushing him round tesco and in the space of a second something upset him and he went into a full blown screaming meltdown. Everyone stared at us and an older couple walked past me and said sarcastically "Oh he's a joy to take out isn't he". Ffs. Why can't people just keep their views to themselves? It made an already stressful situation worse.

When ds is like that nothing calms him down. At all. If I talk to him or even look at him it makes him worse. So I ended up coming home with half the shopping I needed.... I had no one else to leave him with and I desperately needed a few bits.

Life is hard enough as it is without people making you feel you're a bad mum. I do find its often the older generation - in their day those with autism were often sent away to an institution and weren't so "visible" so they often just don't accept it.

SusanMichelson · 09/08/2015 07:35

Oh I got told this when ds was 3 and my 'boyfriend' decided I was a soft touch. Ds had taken all the food out of the fridge one day and laid it out on the lawn - I have no idea why. I got cross but I put it all back and we moved on.

Apparently, I should have given him nothing but porridge all day as a punishment and also beaten him.

That guy didn't last long.

Ouchbloodyouch · 09/08/2015 07:50

People are shocked when they find out that my two have ADHD - its not something I broadcast btw. 'But they are both so good' therefore apparently there is nothing wrong with them.
My neighbours actually laughed (bit drunk at a bbq ) my older one is also suspected AS. I've been shunned by the same neighbour previously because he wouldn't socialise with her son. He's rude apparently my son. There is nothing wrong with him...Hmm
Oh and I have ADHD too. But all I need apparently is to make lists and organise myself a bit better...

DrCoconut · 10/08/2015 01:50

DS1 did not respond to stickers at all when he was little. His attitude was why would he do something he found distressing for a small piece of paper? The bigger picture of the honour of being awarded something completely passed him by. He is now 16 and still won't do things he finds hard if he personally doesn't find it rewarding. School said he wouldn't be able to go to the prom if he didn't stop being late (done to avoid crowds first thing). You can guess how that worked out....same with giving him detentions for lateness - he got to avoid others at lunchtime or home time, the perfect incentive. People just don't get ASD and try to deal with it in a totally unsuitable way. I've had all the discipline him more, give him a good slap, no such thing in my day etc too.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 10/08/2015 02:16

DrCoconut I can empathise with that scenario. The headteacher at my son's previous school decided she was going to 'break' his behaviour by putting him in isolation for a day. At six years old. He has Aspergers. He loved it, it was quiet and calm. She was insufferably smug. Until he returned to class and couldn't cope again. She told me he was being wilfully manipulative. She has no intention of reading or accepting the formal NHS diagnosis sat in his file.

I seethe every time I think of the hell she put my boy through.

AlmaMartyr · 10/08/2015 02:27

DS had severe glue ear so almost entirely deaf until 2nd lot of grommets worked when he was nearly 4. No hearing aids, tiny amount of basic Makaton. The amount of friends that would advise me 'you just need to say to him that...'. He can't bloody hear me! Grrr!