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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

About exH's wedding?

93 replies

MagicalHamSandwich · 26/07/2015 12:57

So my ex is getting married again apparently. He's just phoned to let me know before the news goes out on social media etc. - which is really quite decent of him, actually.

Ex and I have our differences but we generally get along and have some sort of a quasi-friendship going.

Here's the thing: he's just made me 'the very first invitee' to his wedding. He also suggested I be a bridesmaid to his new wife (whom I've yet to meet - awkward!).

To top it off, apparently it's exMIL who insisted and told him she wasn't not having me there.

I think this all sounds rather inappropriate and rather awkward - arguably more so for the bride than for myself. I wouldn't exactly want me there if I were her. Apparently ever since we've been divorced ExH has been told he's an idiot for letting 'gorgeous, smart, successful and kind' Magical go. (I'm really none of the above ... ). I don't particularly want to be the gold standard to which his new wife is supposed to live up.

There's also the fact that I may feel a pang of jealousy - not because I'd ever want the ex back but because he's getting married and I've managed all of three dates since the divorce - all horrortastic failures.

Have so far stated that I may be in the US for work (true) and might not make it due to business commitments (not true - I could definitely get time off) to avoid having to commit myself.

Help me out here, MN, WWYD?

OP posts:
SisterMoonshine · 26/07/2015 13:28

I think you're playing it right. You're away then, but wish them well.

MagicalHamSandwich · 26/07/2015 13:29

Not offended by anyone who says they wouldn't want me there at all, by the way. I can see why!

OP posts:
scarlets · 26/07/2015 13:31

I was going to suggest attending (as a standard guest not as a bridesmaid!) as a gesture of maturity and friendship. However, your last post rings alarm bells, and I feel for his unwitting fiancée. Keep your distance, for everyone's sakes. You've no children together (I don't mean to rub it in, I am very sorry about your miscarriages) so there's no need to be in touch.

GrumpyOldBiddy2 · 26/07/2015 13:32

I went to a family member (lovely) second wedding recently, his grown up children were there, there was something bittersweet about their presence, evidence of the failure of his first marriage

I think you might be overthinking this. Weddings are a time for families to come together, having older kids there is brilliant, a happy thing to celebrate, not feel sad about.

I hope the B&G and the kids didn't know you felt like this?

Mrsjayy · 26/07/2015 13:32

Oh really ? They are just bonkers decline on the grounds of bonkersness Grin

MirandaWest · 26/07/2015 13:33

My XH is getting married tomorrow. Our DC are going obviously but I haven't been invited and if I had been I would have (politely) declined. No wedding needs an XW/XH at it IMO

acatcalledjohn · 26/07/2015 13:38

Here's the thing: he's just made me 'the very first invitee' to his wedding. He also suggested I be a bridesmaid to his new wife (whom I've yet to meet - awkward!).

My first question to him would be if his STBDW knows about the bridesmaid suggestion...

Boardingblues · 26/07/2015 13:38

Do you want to go? If so go. If not, don't. Same as if an acquaintance asks you to a wedding. How do you normally make your mind up? You are no longer married to the x, there are no children to force an on-going relationship and you no longer have any obligations to him or his family. You are no longer at his disposal - unless you want to be…. ?

MagicalHamSandwich · 26/07/2015 13:39

Yes, really!

I suspect no woman's ever good enough for MIL's PFB - the moment I walked out on her son I must have turned into that intangible ideal of a woman who was actually worthy in her mind.

When we were married she used to insist on cooking when they came to visit because apparently my cuisine is simply inedible. She also once gifted me some ghastly lingerie so that her 'son would have something to look at in bed', constantly complained that I was too thin and hence not sexy and pressured me to give up my career in order to look after my husband.

Told you she was insane!

OP posts:
GrumpyOldBiddy2 · 26/07/2015 13:39

I think I must be weird.

I genuinely can't see the issue with an ex partner attending a wedding if there's no ill feeling. Hell, you must have liked them at some point to marry them and if it ended amicably or enough time has passed that any ill feeling has gone surely there's enough good will left to be friendly and present a united front for the kids. (Obviously different for OP, I agree that ex hasn't moved on and sounds a bit bonkers).

Another school day on mumsnet Confused

dougieroseagain · 26/07/2015 13:39

In the nicest possible way, OP - are you sure your ex MIL isn't having a dig at your ex's bride to be and wants to spoil her day by roping you in?

I've been married twice. I'd go insane if either of my husbands had brought along their exes. I don't even think I'd have made it down the aisle. Vice Versa, 2nd husband would be incredibly hurt if I'd brought DH1 to the wedding, particularly if HE'D left ME.

Your ex needs to man up, as I'm sure you realise all too well.

If no children are involved then there is no reason why you need to stay in touch with any member of his family, particular barking mad MIL. Flowers for you and Wine - I'd do a fag emocion as well, if Mumsnet did one and smoking wasn't such a disease.

Book yourself a spa day or something really special for you on the day of their wedding and enjoy yourself your way. xxxxx

Zucker · 26/07/2015 13:40

My first question to him would be if his STBDW knows about the bridesmaid suggestion...

What I would give to be a fly on the wall for that conversation!

Egosumquisum · 26/07/2015 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MagicalHamSandwich · 26/07/2015 13:42

And, no, I don't think I want to go. First of all it's obviously awkward and secondly I really don't need that for my own wonky self-esteem.

OP posts:
dougieroseagain · 26/07/2015 13:42

zucker - too true. The more I think about it, the more I think MIL is trying to destroy the Ex's relationship.

Mrsjayy · 26/07/2015 13:43

She bought you lingere . I think the suggestion of trying to spoil the wedding is more than likely close to whats going on in her head

Egosumquisum · 26/07/2015 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Boardingblues · 26/07/2015 13:44

Your OP would be more reasonable if it end with "and so I said no, especially considering for mother's suggestion, there is no way I could consider attending in any capacity". I wonder why you didn't. That poor bride!

NashvilleQueen · 26/07/2015 13:44

I attended wedding of ex. It was fine. I went because (a) it was important to the children to have me there and (b) he is fundamentally a better man and father since he met new wife so I was genuinely happy for them. Few weird bits to the day but overall the right decision for me. Not sure your scenario exactly the same though and I wouldn't have ever been a bridesmaid!!

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 26/07/2015 13:45

If you would find it awkward then don't go. MIL sounds like she likes you better than his new wife, sad for her. It might come across that your ex is also comparing her unfavourably to you and perhaps has mentioned it to you in the hope that before the invitations go out you'll beg him not to do it!

She certainly shouldn't be talked into having you as a BM - how completely inappropriate! Even if you knew each other well that would be weird but totally not ok if you two haven'e even met yet.

Can you maybe make time to meet her for a coffee or something, on your own, just to say hello and explain that you appreciate the invitation but won't be at the wedding, but you wish her happiness etc.?

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 26/07/2015 13:47

Agree that attending the wedding isn't the odd bit though. If DP and I get married I will probably want to invite ex's family and my DCs of course, so it would seem churlish not to invite him. DP is close to his ex's family too and would invite her and her lot. I'm not crazy about this idea (as she is tall skinny and blonde, whereas I'm a dumpy frumpy 40 something brunette!) but we'll cross that bridge if and when we ever get there!

MagicalHamSandwich · 26/07/2015 13:48

Wouldn't put it beyond exMIL to do that! Of course she also keeps on pressuring him to have kids at the same time. Because there is no logic in the ways of her twisted mind ...

I don't generally have issues with exes at weddings. I attended an exBF's (my first 'serious' partner) last year and it was lovely. This just seems altogether weird, though!

OP posts:
chairmeoh · 26/07/2015 13:49

Can you imagine the sort of bridesmaid dress the new fiancée will choose for you to wear? Grin

Getthewonderwebout · 26/07/2015 13:52

I'd be a yes to the guest and a no to the bridesmaid - they/he hasn't thought this through.

Why wouldn't you be a guest though if you get on. Not every couple who divorces have hatred for their ex.

MagicalHamSandwich · 26/07/2015 13:53

I'm not certain my confidence could ever recover from this: 1.bp.blogspot.com/_Ot-687NUu2Q/Sdy08GZiETI/AAAAAAAABtg/DtCHem2iZ0c/s320/profile_8345.jpg

OP posts:
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