To ask if you or your partner is controlling?

[Nativity3]

As the title says. If you don't have an 'equal' relationship, is it you or your partner 'in control' and how do they show it? What is 'normal' and what is 'too much?'

Just curious of others experiences. AIBU to wonder when 'a bit controlling' become too much or becomes suffocating?

If you have escaped this type of relationship, what made you realise it was too much and how did you do it?

Who made the rule that it's off-limits to comment on other people's posts? It is a bit unusual to 'have' to know where your partner is going.

I don't think either of us are particularly controlling. We get on with our lives. Sometimes in quite different ways. We argue about it, sure.

DH is controlling on some issues. I feel like I'm constantly having to assert myself. He drives. I am a confident driver but the level of grief he gives me if I want to drive when we're together is awful. I have never driven the family car on holidays due to this. (I'm mostly happy to not drive but on occasion get pissed off with his almighty attitude.)

He manages the finances, totally. I have access to all our online banking but he makes all financial decisions as to what we can afford. (He earns triple my salary because I have always worked freelance to organise my hours around the children. I don't care so much amount him dealing with finances as I am very happy with my work/ life situation!)

I think I'm probably more in charge of everything child related -schools etc. Holidays are always a 2-way negociation. Housework 50-50. I do computer stuff. DC chauffeuring 50-50. He deals with DS football, I deal with DDs' activities.

I do think he could be a nightmare if I let him get away with control issues though.

I can relate to a lot of that pop.

Today he moved all of the stuff I use for cooking out of the cupboard because he doesn't like it and he couldn't find any of his stuff.
I have been given a 'night off' my dishwasher duties and sadly yes, he really does see it as y job!

I'm quite controlling and DH isn't in the slightest. I wish he was a bit sometimes

I have been given a 'night off' my dishwasher duties

Well guess who should be doing no dish washing for the next month, OP?

I get angry when DP does something that causes hassle for me later. Only because it's usually me, if anyone, that does the cleaning up around here right now. If he did 50% like he should be doing then I wouldn't really care. It's that he thinks he can do something awkward in a way that I hate while knowing that it's not him that's going to be sorting it out.

And I keep having to hammer it into his head that he can't huff and puff about what time I go to bed. This is an ongoing battle. Though I do struggle with maintaining a sleeping routine and can find myself completely nocturnal if I'm not careful, causing me to either miss stuff I'd prefer to have gone to (lectures, am a mature student) or to have to get up and feel rubbish/be unable to do anything of note all day, him telling me to go to bed, or having a go about me not having slept or got up early enough, makes zero difference to my sleeping schedule.

I think we must be equal becausr we both think the other one is more controlling!

I'm genuinely shocked at the amount of controlling!

We have a partnership - nobody is in control. We like to hear the others perspective and luckily it's rare that we aren't in agreement. He's my partner, not my boss and vice versa.

we certainly never monitor each other's movements - I don't see how any relationship where any of that happens can be classed as normal.

But there's varying degrees of "monitoring". I like to know when DH will be back and his approximate destinations. Partly because I like to know when I'll be on my own with the DC until and partly because he once crashed on a motorway and I get anxious incase anything bad happens if I don't have an approximate ETA for him being back with me and know roughly where he'll be. He always rings me when he sets off home too. We are both happy with it and DH never feels controlled by it.

Controlling on the whole is totally subjective though too. I control the finances. DH asks me if he wants to buy something. It's because he is terrible with money and I'm brilliant at budgeting. I am never unfair about where money is spent. Neither of us see is as "controlling" though and we mutually agreed on it being best. Yet the control I have of finances could be extremely controlling and even a form of abuse in other relationships - it comes down to circumstances and whether one party had made the decision or if it was mutually decided and still agreed on. Also whether the partner who control finances was abusing that control (I.e. they were having loads of nights out, treats, etc but not letting the other person spend money like that).

DH is the opposite of controlling. In fact he's too far the other way. He never calls me or answers his phone, never reads my texts. We could all be dead for days before he knew. He just doesn't give a shit.

I try to control the money because dh would have no idea. But he often buys ridiculous things that he wants and i am left juggling between accounts. I also control the way he is with the children because he would dress them in each others clothes and feed them chocolate all day. I control where things go in the house as otherwise they'd be left on the floor.

DH thinks i am a bit controlling, but i am just trying to manage the house and budget with small children.

I find it interesting that I admit to scheduling his days- or telling him what to do when he is alone with dc- posters have made no mention of this, but huge focus on his crimes ( p.s it's rather rude to focus on a pp answering an op- the pp - me- hasn't asked for your opinion or advice)

Actually you having to schedule his days alone with the kids to ensure they do something nice (as you said in your first post) is not controlling- it just shows that he can't be bothered/doesn't know how to look after his kids properly.

And not being allowed food in the house that he doesn't like or not being allowed to drive is controlling- and no he doesn't 'need' to know where you go with your friends. He just wants to.

PS I didn't realise there was a MN rule that said people could only address the OP and her/his concerns. That would make for rather boring threads.

I hope I'm not, and I try not to be, keeping in mind what I have read on the relationships forum here. But I'm not objective about myself, obviously.

My wife isn't.

pregnantpause are you allowed to eat fish in a restaurant? In a takeaway?

MrsKoala, how can you tolerate your husband spending all of the money on himself? Doesn't it lead to huge problems? And why doesn't he answer his phone if you call/text?

Yes. We both are, if I'm honest. We both have very strong personalities and ideas about the right way to do things.
luckily we can both laugh at ourselves and challenge each other.

I can't bear controlling people. Cannot BEAR them. It's so short sighted to attempt to arrange other's schedules or what they eat and so on. And as for parents....when one half is controlling about their child that is terrible.

I don't think people who are excessively controlling will recognise that in themselves to be honest.

And also some controlling people think others are controlling when they won't do what they're told!

DH doesn't have a controlling bone in his body.

I do. I am aware of it and fight it.

I'm not controlling at ALL. Not the teeniest tiniest bit.

Just always right.

DH is still needing to understand/learn this.

I think it changes over time and you adapt to each other's ways. DH and I get upset over different things and we have both had to compromise. We are both controlling AND controlled. Not sure if that makes sense!

U2 that's just like us. I often wonder how DH does it. How he can be so laid back.

I am now in an equal relationship and it's wonderful. Basically we have a lovely time together and are happy to give each other space to do our own things too. We talk through problems and come up with plans that work for both of us.

I was previously in a controlling relationship characterised by escalating inappropriate criticism about my actions and eventually threats of violence and mild, but again escalating violence. It took a long time to see it. Weirdly the one thing that suddenly made me realise how bad it had got was when ex 'd'p screamed that I was a 'cunt' for stepping out of a shop before him. Very strange now I look back on it. Because of what's happened since we broke up I'm almost certain things would have got worse still had I stayed. A lucky escape!

beautiful

maybe because he knows you'll do it anyway or maybe because he just doesn't care as much.

I have more tolerance for mess than DH.
he moans about having to hoover up or tidy up, but when I say he doesn't have to do it he replies that he has to because I don't do it.
I always reply that it's because he can't stand it. I don't care so much. I truly don't. I'm not waiting for him to do it out of laziness, simply & honestly it doesn't bother me that much. I can work around chaos.

DH is controlling in a sort of benign way. He has anxiety and being in control makes him feel better. He gets upset if plans change. He has very specific food likes and dislikes. He has a relatively narrow range of TV that he will watch.
When his odd ways impinge on me too much I kick him into touch.
Good thread OP. I always wondered if it was just my OP who has a need for control but is not abusive with it.

We are completely equal, but I'm in charge

I have a wonderful laid back DH, whereas I get quite locked on and anxious about some things being "done correctly" he humours me! And he lets me have my way 99% of the time, however I know if he says no to something, I've no chance! It works for us.