To ask if you or your partner is controlling?

[Nativity3]

As the title says. If you don't have an 'equal' relationship, is it you or your partner 'in control' and how do they show it? What is 'normal' and what is 'too much?'

Just curious of others experiences. AIBU to wonder when 'a bit controlling' become too much or becomes suffocating?

If you have escaped this type of relationship, what made you realise it was too much and how did you do it?

[drudgetrudy]

Controlling behaviour can be a form of bullying but it can also be linked to anxiety. If someone is afraid of poverty they may attempt to control their partner's spending for example.
When my kids became young adults I had to work hard on not being controlling. I didn't want them to be hurt or have bad experiences (which I know is ridiculous as they happen to everyone and that's how they learn).

In all relationships I think the main learning point as we grow older is to let go and let everyone, partner included, make their own choices-and also to exert our own autonomy. Of course to have relationships we all have to compromise but it needs to be because we choose to.

[LokiBear]

DH and I have had to work at our relationship. A few months ago I called him out on his controlling behaviour during arguments. He would get stroppy or angry at me if I disagreed with him. He'd twist what I said until I was left in a complete mess not knowing what to think or say. I threatened to leave. He got help. He is a million times better now. I'm convinced that anyone who knows us would say that I wear the trousers (so to speak) and I do take the lead with the organisation of family life. However; councilling has helped us find a balance in all respects and things are lovely now.

[SisterConcepta]

If you schedule the day your dh spends with dc to ensure they "do something nice" does not necessarily equate to him not giving a shit. Doing something nice is subjective and believe it or not kids can actually enjoy some downtime with a patent as well as scheduled activities. I find controlling behaviour belittles the controlled and see it as a form of bullying.

[ImperialBlether]

Blimey, you've been busy! My daughter had a lovely gap year over there.

[MrsKoala]

yes, we haven't lived here that long (8 months). He's dyslexic, amongst other things and just can't seem to hold information like addresses or phone numbers in his head. We have moved 5 times in 3 years too so it's now a jumble.

He has never had any idea of his or anyones phone number tho. (i must say i only know my mobile number and don't know his or our home phone)

Imperial, yes we did and we came back after 6 months and have had another baby since :)

[ImperialBlether]

MrsKoala, didn't you go to Vancouver with your husband? Are you still there?

[Reubs15]

I can be controlling when it comes to our son but oh can in other ways as he's quite dominating. But that suits us! We know each others strengths and weaknesses and ultimately we make each other better people

[SnapesCapes]

DH used to be controlling at times. He comes from a very controlling Mother, so it's a learned behaviour. He's a good man, though, and worked hard to let his controlling tendencies go as our relationship progressed, mainly because I'm very independent and was raised to never rely on anyone but myself.

On the other side of the coin I have absolute control freak moments with the DCs; DS1 went on a school trip earlier this year and although he's spent plenty of time away from home over the years, the fact that he didn't want to go almost had me sprinting after the bus shouting "I've changed my mind, he can't go" (incidentally, he had the best time once he was there, just struggled saying goodbye). I don't think I'm controlling with DH at all; he can mistake my lack of controlling tendencies for a lack of affection/love, but for me love and relationships are wanting someone in your life rather than needing them. Needing them is the route to all those control issues.

MIL is still very controlling. Our relationship has had plenty of difficult patches where she's overstepped the mark and intruded in ways I feel are inappropriate, and she dislikes that I feel confident enough to pull her up on it.

[Unexpected]

MrsKoala are you serious? Your dh doesn't know his own address or telephone number?!

[BeautifulLiar]

Zing not even so much housework; just things like nights out. He isn't bothered what time I'll be back or how much I'll drink but I feel like I need to know these things with him My son is being assessed for Apergers and I'm beginning to think he 'inherited' it from me...

[ToriaPumpkin]

I think DH could be, given half a chance. If he'd married someone else then she'd possibly be on here being told to LTB, he's a product of a rather bizarre upbringing in which one parent was in charge (still is) and the other had no say in anything and did as they were told and he and his brother were raised to see this as a desirable dynamic.

However, I then shoved a spanner in the works by telling him if he thought I was going to live like that he could do one. We now have a very equal relationship even though I'm a SAHP. I never have to ask for money, we split the housework and I go for nights out both with and without him as does he.

Interestingly it's his mother who is the controller in the family. And she doesn't much like that she can't control me (or her son now I've broken the spell).

[MrsKoala]

Imperial, he doesn't spend 'it all', he just often sees things on a month which is tight and orders not thinking. He tends to still think of himself as a pre dc man, but that is gradually changing. As for the phone - he's just a fucking nightmare and doesn't answer it to any one, or ever have it on him or charged. It drives me barmy when he works away as i don't hear from him for days. When i was pregnant i started bleeding and was rushed to hospital and i had to call round all the places i thought he would be. His Mum has been terminally ill recently and died and i had to constantly remind him to keep his phone on him in case he had to rush to her. He sees being contactable at all times as being controlled. If i ask him to let me know what time he'll be in so i can make dinner, he never does, if he's late and i text to see where he is (because of dinner usually) he doesn't answer. I don't bother any more, i've stopped caring. I just have learned to cope with all eventualities on my own.

What does piss me off is he doesn't know our phone number or address either, so if something happened when he was out with the dc, he couldn't let me know. I have now written it all down on paper in his wallet.

He feels all these things are very controlling of me.

[maggiethemagpie]

I'm very anti-controlling and so is my partner. We let the other do what they want, basically. To the point where sometimes we do different things, but I'd rather that than one or the other of us do something we don't like. I guess we must be compatible as this works. I had a controlling mother and so grew up very much kicking back at anyone's attempts to control me. For example she chose my clothes and hairstyle until into my early teens. I remember taking the clothes she'd chosen for me back to the shop to exchange them for ones I wanted and getting in trouble for it. (but got to keep the clothes!)


My friend on the other hand has a very controlling boyfriend and I can't understand why she stays with him. It must be like going out with a giant toddler. He has to be with her constantly, to know what she's doing. He constantly tells her what to do and orders her around. If he doesn't get his way he throws his toys out the pram. I saw her recently at a festival and one of the first things she said to me was 'I need to make sure he is happy'. It was very sad. I've come to the conclusion that part of her must like being controlled though, otherwise she'd leave him, surely?

[Littleen]

Haha, we are both controlling in certain ways (different ways) and both know it. But it's fine :P

[crapfatbanana]

I'm a bit controlling and a nag/fussy.

[cocobean2805]

We are completely equal, but I'm in charge

I have a wonderful laid back DH, whereas I get quite locked on and anxious about some things being "done correctly" he humours me! And he lets me have my way 99% of the time, however I know if he says no to something, I've no chance! It works for us.

[dashoflime]

DH is controlling in a sort of benign way. He has anxiety and being in control makes him feel better. He gets upset if plans change. He has very specific food likes and dislikes. He has a relatively narrow range of TV that he will watch.
When his odd ways impinge on me too much I kick him into touch.
Good thread OP. I always wondered if it was just my OP who has a need for control but is not abusive with it.

[ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba]

beautiful

maybe because he knows you'll do it anyway or maybe because he just doesn't care as much.

I have more tolerance for mess than DH.
he moans about having to hoover up or tidy up, but when I say he doesn't have to do it he replies that he has to because I don't do it.
I always reply that it's because he can't stand it. I don't care so much. I truly don't. I'm not waiting for him to do it out of laziness, simply & honestly it doesn't bother me that much. I can work around chaos.

[ApplesTheHare]

I am now in an equal relationship and it's wonderful. Basically we have a lovely time together and are happy to give each other space to do our own things too. We talk through problems and come up with plans that work for both of us.

I was previously in a controlling relationship characterised by escalating inappropriate criticism about my actions and eventually threats of violence and mild, but again escalating violence. It took a long time to see it. Weirdly the one thing that suddenly made me realise how bad it had got was when ex 'd'p screamed that I was a 'cunt' for stepping out of a shop before him. Very strange now I look back on it. Because of what's happened since we broke up I'm almost certain things would have got worse still had I stayed. A lucky escape!

[BeautifulLiar]

U2 that's just like us. I often wonder how DH does it. How he can be so laid back.

[MiddleAgedandConfused]

I think it changes over time and you adapt to each other's ways. DH and I get upset over different things and we have both had to compromise. We are both controlling AND controlled. Not sure if that makes sense!

[Fatmomma99]

I'm not controlling at ALL. Not the teeniest tiniest bit.

Just always right.

DH is still needing to understand/learn this.

[Sallystyle]

DH doesn't have a controlling bone in his body.

I do. I am aware of it and fight it.

[ImperialBlether]

And also some controlling people think others are controlling when they won't do what they're told!

[code]

I don't think people who are excessively controlling will recognise that in themselves to be honest.