Parents of happy, successful and well balanced ADULT kids, - give us your nuggets of wisdom!

[DangerGrouse]

As a mother of a toddler I've wondered for a while now what is it that makes a child grow up to be a happy adult.
Loads of it will be obvious of course but I want to know what you think you did that made your kids happy now they are independent. If they are also successful and well balanced that's also a bonus and important, but happiness is the most important in my book.
For instance, I'd love to talk to James Cordens mother and see what she did. He is clearly incredibly well balanced, happy, charming, likeable, successful, a great dad, brave, intelligent etc etc and I'm convinced it must be down to some great parenting in his childhood.
Conversely I'm not a massively happy or secure adult and my mother freely admits she was a very unaffectionate and uninterested mother. Thanks for that, Mum!!
Let's not get too dark but I'm just very interested in this now I'm a mum and I want to get it right!

I agree with people saying let them find their own way in life. So far both DC are showing strong interest in a subject both Dh and I know nothing about. We can't help at all, except to encourage them from the sidelines and buy the extra kit and books they need to progress. I love that they have opened up this huge new world to us through their interests.

As someone happy and balanced:

Lots of praise - justified not for anything. And everything
Your time
Support: emotional and financial - even if not much, just so a safety net is in place of they fall

JT05 sums it up.
Love them
Be interested in them
Discipline them
Pick your battles
Keep the communication open
And - step back. Let them find their way. Be always in the background for them and know when to let go.

scribbles I was going to reply much the same as Senua.

I'd agree that you shouldn't praise them falsely, but I think what people are saying on this thread is, find things to praise them for.

We definitely have a culture in our house where we can acknowledge that my football loving ds is never going to be the next David Beckham, but that there are things he can do that DB probably can't.... and, anyway, football is just so accessible, you can play it for enjoyment / fitness at almost any level. Only one person can be DB. I don't think it would have done ds any good as a teen to be convincing him he could make it as a Premiership player, but I can still find 1001 things about him that will boost his confidence / self esteem / etc. These things also change as they get older...pre-teens every child has the potential to do anything they want in life, but in the 6th form, you need to be steering them to things they will do well at or enjoy.

Great thread. Mine are young still so I don't know whether it will all turn out ok but I am one of a set of happy and successful siblings so I'm following what we had as children.

My parents were divorced and there was quite a bit of angst and hardship in there so IMHO a nuclear family is not the be all and end all. In fact sometimes I think our background helped us - we were independent and thoughtful quite early on because we had to be.

What we had was one parent who put us first always,loved us intensely and had firm boundaries. We also felt very secure - she was in charge and we knew that. Then she basically let us be. She gave us responsibility for school work, Saturday jobs, getting back from parties on time and we took responsibility and did it right. There was no real rebellion because we had quite a bit of freedom and used it respectfully.

Also I really like someone's comment below about modelling positive cheerfulness. Both my parents - even my absent dad - are quite no-nonsense and would have little patience for us if we wanted to portray ourselves as victims of something. I see a lot of that sort of thinking on here and it's such a dead end so I'm grateful for that. I have a sense that, regardless of what has happened to me, I have responsibility for my own life and for pushing it forward. So today I try to be like that with my children. They see me struggle but hopefully always trying to push forward with cheerfulness and humour. That's not to say you can't be sad/angry/upset/whatever. But don't let victim thinking take over.

Scribbles I've heard that 'don't praise' advice too, for different reasons than the ones Senua gave - though I think she's right about that too. The reason I heard was that they then become dependent on external praise and are unable to motivate themselves without it. I have - as a tutor - noticed this can be true. Instead of saying 'well done' make comments such as 'you seemed to enjoy doing that' or 'looks like you're finding this easier than you used to - have you been practising?' Instilling a love of doing and progressing for its own sake and not for external backpats is a recipe for happiness.
I think a bit of both is OK. I find it impossible not to praise DC when they do something well. It comes out of my mouth before I'm aware of having spoken, but I'm very aware that too much praise actually freezes and demotivates them.

janet - my dds' math teacher follows this philosophy. It drives the pupils absolutely mad. As it happens, both my dds are quite good at maths, but have come to hate the fact that he will never acknowledge that and give them the 'pat on the head' we all get a boost from, which, in turn, means they don't llike maths anymore, despite it starting as favourite subject.

One more thing about the praise issue that Scribbles raised. I think it's more important to show enthusiasm for what matters to them (both stuff that matters because they love it and stuff that matters because they need it in order to thrive.)
I am happy to listen to DTs burble on about their music without understanding much but have learned more so I can engage a bit better. I always go and watch them perform and am genuinely excited to do so. We buy books on technique, and loads of CDs by people I've never heard of. We go to loads of concerts together. I hope that fosters confidence in their choice as much as or more than me praising every time they get a scale right. (Not that I'd know )

Great thread, thanks.

'Back' that's interesting. We do all look for external recognition too, don't we? it's natural. I guess the important thing is not to be reliant on it 100%.

Kids hate to follow orders, but will follow examples without thinking. So just do all the things you'd like your kids to do, and they will copy you without even knowing it.

Work hard to achieve goals, behave decently, treat those around you nicely, and chances are your kids will do the same.

Also, better to reward good behaviour than punish bad. Give your kids what they need, but make sure that what they want gets tied into good school reports and a good attitude.

Don't sweat the small stuff.
Choose your battles very carefully.
Remember what you were like at various ages and don't romanticise that you gave your parents an easy ride.
Don't judge too much, they generally work stuff out.
Don't send mixed messages, rules are rules. Don't give in it confuses teenagers, that is a direct quote from mine.

Terrific thread.
I've got a wonderful fabulous grown up son who fills me with pride whenever I look at him or hear him speak. He's hard working, polite, considerate of others, charitable and compassionate and loves his Mum and Dad.
It could have been so different because genetically he's wired to be the opposite of all the above. I suppose I set out to parent differently to how I'd been brought up and that sounds awful - my parents were not bad people but they had three kids way too young and faced huge difficulties relocating to this country with very little to get by on - and I grew up to give them hell on earth!
So I decided to make sure of the following -
He could always, always talk to us - there'd be no judgement, only backing/advice as required
There was not a single thing he could do to make us love him less
He was told daily how loved he was
If the answer was 'No' there was always an explanation and a reason why not
If he ever wanted a lift anywhere he got it including lifts home late at night - this was one thing I was never ever given and the risky situations I got into would make your hair curl!
If he wanted to talk to just me or just his Dad, that was ok. No long hurt faces
When shit went bad he saw us with our frailties and saw that it's not all chocolates and roses - and also saw that things come right again
His friends were always welcome in our house
If someone was giving him a bad time it was dealt with - and NO inviting that person to parties in the name of inclusivity!

I suppose one could go on but there's always the danger of smugness. Perhaps we've just been lucky? Who knows. But I am thankful every single day that he wasn't the adolescent/teenager/young adult that I was!

Tricky!

The love security fun thing is very true. DS has a lovely gf but her family are a bit unstable and he's finding that a shock having though all families were rock solid.

High expectations and busy kids seems to have raised kids who achieve and still are busy as students/ adults which seems good too. However expectations were always that 100% effort was given not that they'd always get 100% marks Iyswim!

Also don't sweat the small stuff or say no unless there is a really good reason. Get them to think it through.

I like to think I am fairly well balanced, as are my sisters. Two of us are very happily married, all have good jobs that we are good at and enjoy. I am so far the only one with children and want for them to grow up happy and independent too.

I think a previous poster hit the nail on the head when they said that the overriding message that they had from their parents was that nothing was so bad that the parents couldn't be told about it! I also have that strong memory from my parents and knew that although they might not be that happy about some things, they would always be there for me. We were spoilt emotionally (nothing was ever too much trouble if we wanted to play with them/some attention), though they weren't afraid to say no to many of our requests for material things!

They were probably slightly on the strict side in terms of expectations of our behaviour. They were also really consistent as a partnership with their levels of discipline/expectations of us and always presented a united front. I also never once heard them arguing in earshot of us. They also mostly treated us the same (though as the eldest, I felt my youngest sibling got away with murder sometimes, and she felt that she was compared to us in terms of academic achievement. However, that was probably both of our teenage perceptions rather than a major issue). They have also always said that they wouldn't do something for one of us that they then couldn't potentially do for all 3 (e.g financial support, level of help with childcare etc) which I completely respect.

I think consistency with parenting and equality across all siblings are two major factors but the main thing was we always felt confident in their love for us, and that has continued.

I think it's so true that to encourage your kids to be able to tell you anything is the best thing you can do. I never told mine a single thing - in fact I spent so much time lying and deceiving that it pains me to recall it. They were terribly strict and judgemental because they thought that's how it had to be - of course this was the 60's/70's and things are different now but if I remember my early years my overriding memory is of NEVER being out of trouble. I really really didn't want that for my son!

Far I could never talk to my parents about anything too personal and have been far more open with my DCs but, in my opinion, some of DD's friends' mothers went too far in trying to be cool and be friends with them which they found a bit cringey. I always took the line that I am not your friend, I am your mother so I am happy for you to share with me things you are comfortable to share but there are some parts of your life that are private and I respect that if that makes sense.

I think some others have said this before but I think consistency is important. We were fairly strict, rights went along with responsibilities and we did sometimes set punishments/consequences for things, although we were quite lucky that was not often. I think it is fine to do that and also fine to apologise and back down if you realise you have gone over the top but it is being consistent that counts. (And, of course, them knowing that you still love them whatever!)

It's interesting hearing about the praise thing. Like everything it is probably a balance, letting your children know how proud you are of them and their achievements yet not letting them think the world revolves around them

Two amazing adults one with a doctorate the other with a very very successful business both healthy and in happy settled relationships and my additional to all the above advice for young children is only say no when you mean it. Think before 'before you say no as it's hard to go back on it. Don't be afraid to give reasons but don't feel obliged my dc still stop in their tracks if I use a certain tone but are absolutely not afraid to argue their point if they genuinely feel in the right.
We three were a team. We also always shared chores, as a working single parent me doing everything was just not on the cards. At 14 my son could plan, shop for and cook a meal with no input from me other than leaving cash. And my teenage daughter once rang me when I was on away because she was appalled at how dirty the pan cupboard was and wanted to make it clear t h at she had cleaned it and it was never to get that messy again!!!

'Someone I know who has a degree in psychology told me that you shouldn't praise your children too much'

Scribbles -- I think there is a difference between praise that smacks a label on a child and praise that is a comment on the process the child engaged in to produce something, or something the child does that you want to encourage.

i.e. the difference between 'What a clever girl you are to write that story with no wrong spellings!' vs. 'I like the way you looked up the spellings you weren't sure of when you were writing that story', or 'What a generous boy you are to share your ice cream' vs. 'Sharing the ice cream was a generous thought and I was happy to see you do that'.

Children have to decide who they are by themselves (imo). You can ask them how they themselves feel about some effort they have made, whether at schoolwork or in behaviour with other children.

And I also think that constant comment /praise makes them smell a rat (become impatient with your constant commentary and suspicious that you think there is some inadequacy in themselves that you are trying to cover up) and/or become over dependent on feedback. They are capable of judging themselves.

Up to the age of 5 children need clear discipline. They need to know what is means to live with others in a harmonious and caring way. This should be very much example led. Act to your children in a way that you want them to act.

Encourage them to be independent from an early age, by giving them responsibilities. Praise good behaviour. Encourage an atmosphere where children can talk about their fears and worries.

Never ridicule them, don't over protect them, let them know that making mistakes is ok.. Love them, be affectionate with them, provide a safety net, teach them about loyalt and integrity. Let them be their own person, trust them to make the right choices.

Then trust to luck.

Unconditional love. Teach by example rather that discipline. Have family time together. Read lots of books and listen to music together. Personally I also think making them number one in the early years is also important. Sport and activity great too.