Parents of happy, successful and well balanced ADULT kids, - give us your nuggets of wisdom!

[DangerGrouse]

As a mother of a toddler I've wondered for a while now what is it that makes a child grow up to be a happy adult.
Loads of it will be obvious of course but I want to know what you think you did that made your kids happy now they are independent. If they are also successful and well balanced that's also a bonus and important, but happiness is the most important in my book.
For instance, I'd love to talk to James Cordens mother and see what she did. He is clearly incredibly well balanced, happy, charming, likeable, successful, a great dad, brave, intelligent etc etc and I'm convinced it must be down to some great parenting in his childhood.
Conversely I'm not a massively happy or secure adult and my mother freely admits she was a very unaffectionate and uninterested mother. Thanks for that, Mum!!
Let's not get too dark but I'm just very interested in this now I'm a mum and I want to get it right!

The one thing I think I can pass on though is that I always stressed that we speak to and treat each other with at least the same respect you would afford other people: if you wouldn't bite your friend's head off for asking if you want a cup of tea just because you are in the middle of something, you certainly don't do it to the people who love you most in the world.

Agree completely with this. mine aren't fully reared yet (well eldest is 18) but would say:

love the child you have not the one you thought you'd have

Appreciate the unique qualities of your child (ds is very relaxed, dh is very high achieving but often says "maybe ds has a better view of life)

have a sense of humour and encourage them not to take it all too seriously

express affection and mirror the relationships you want them to have in your own significant relationships.

Our grown-up DS is secure in the knowledge that he was very much wanted and is loved unconditionally. And that we are very proud of him.

Years ago, at a kid's party when he was about six or seven, he came up to me and said I love you Mummy. A rather twattish Dad overheard and was most impressed. Cor, he said, how do you get them to say that? Jeez.

The other thing that was, and still is, really important for us was that we always, always talked to him about anything and everything. We are a very talky family. Mealtimes can be noisy.

But although I don't want to re-open the nature versus nurture debate here, i would not like to speculate on how much is down to us and how much is innate. He has always been his own person, confident and sensible from an early age. Some of it could be just the luck of the draw!

Couldn't agree more re luck of the draw. Imo you do indeed cross your fingers and hope all your hard work pays off

One of the best things you can do for your kids is to be happy and confident yourself.
Get them good role models if you aren't the above.
(By the same token, cut out anyone in your life who treats you badly around your kids)
Let them know they are loved and will always be loved, no matter what.
Spend individual time with each child on a regular basis. No phone/screens.
Make it clear, in action, their needs don't always come first - a lot of the time, yes, but not always.
Listen to them. Don't put words in their mouth. Wait if they're finding it difficult to express themselves - hear them out. Expect them to hear you out when it's your turn.
Count to 5 while your wait for an answer to a direct question - they don't always think that quickly.

I do agree that some of it is down to their innate personality, definitely. Also with the role model thing: model good loving relationships, and if you can't do that, model being happy and secure on your own. Don't let them grow up seeing you tiptoe around a volatile partner, or witness disrespect, and putting up with it for a quiet life. You are their template.

Well mine are not all grown up yet, or successful, etc. But they have survived so far, and one has flown the coop and got a job and a cat, with two more on their way through university.

I always tried to praise effort and not results and praised specific things, never a blanket job.

I tried very hard to make them treat family as if they respected them (and to fake it if they didn't) and above all not to touch other people's things, including mine, as lack of respect for personal property expresses and leads to all sorts of problems. Making them observe this rule was important to me and I think it showed them that other family members have rights. Plus I never lost any jewellery or makeup, and got to spend time by myself in the loo.

For my part I apologised if I had been ott or unreasonable or unfair with them. At the same time, if I said 'No' then I never changed my mind , if they were being annoying I told them, and if I asked them to stop doing something I did not let them continue, even if it meant leaving a cinema because someone was kicking the back of a seat, etc.

We always chatted a lot and still do, and I try to share my interests with them and appreciate theirs. I don't criticise their taste in anything which means I listen to Taylor Swift on long car trips grrr

*Sense of humour as much as possible (though nobody is a saint and there are no medals for martyrdom).

*Pick your battles.

*Allow choices among reasonable options and those respect choices, when they are small. Discuss finances with them as they grow to be tweens, without burdening them with your money woes, but they have to start understanding money at some point and early is better than late imo.

*Avoid empty threats. Keep it realistic and say what you mean.

*Make them get part time jobs when they are old enough.

*Make them help with the family meal and teach them to take care of themselves -- laundry, cleaning up after themselves, responsibility for their own homework/excuses to teachers.

*Make sure they know boundaries and expectations that are clear, and start this at a young age.

*Don't talk disparagingly or enviously about other people behind their backs with your children. 'Comparison is the thief of joy'.

*Have a 'no questions asked' policy for when they are at a party and want to come home.

*Share gestures of affection long after they are small children. Don't keep score, don't sulk. Be kind when you have a chance to.

*Don't try to compensate for time with stuff. Time together doesn't have to cost much.

This may be controversial, but save any crying you need to do until you are out of earshot of your children except in cases of family or pets' deaths. Don't put your children in the position of ministering to you.

Also maybe controversial, a 'mental health day' or two off school can be a great and good thing.

YYY to no labelling, pigeonholing.

Also, let them develop strong friendships and become friends with the families of their friends. Welcome their friends to your home, be it ever so humble. I am a single mother who will be forever grateful to the lovely men, the fathers and grandfathers of DS's friends, who have showed him their versions of what a father should be and what family life can be, and to the fathers and grandfathers of the DDs' friends too.

I agree with being positive, practical, on top of things and not seeming to panic.

Lovely thread and I totally agree with all the sentiments.

However, I was raised in a violent, neglectful household and then in the care system. I was never listened to, respected or told I was loved. I didn't get a hug from anyone until I was a grown up.

But I am a loving, happy and confident person, married for over 30 years and my two (nearly grown) boys have parents they can be proud of!

Brilliant thread and I'm marking it so I can find it later. Mine are still too small to count. I'm doing a good number of these things already, but not all - should do more. Thank you!

I had a difficult childhood, but have raised 3 very successful DC.

Don't judge, just listen and support.

Engineer times to talk, even on the bus, walking around town, having a McDonalds.

Be quiet but listen to what they are saying.

Learn that you cant give them everything that they want, but you can give them what they need.

mathanxiety has it really.

Great thread love reading this.

I love my parents. I am well balanced and fairly successful (although successful is objective) . But it's not really down to my parents. I had a turbulent childhood. Very much so, I love my mum and dad but it's iften commented on, by people who know my past, that I turned out so well. Mum and dad have mh issues, which is why I don't directly blame them.

This makes me terrified that I don't know how to ensure my kids grow up well. I do what I can. I love them, show them and tell them, support them, talk to them without judging. Dd was bullied and I fought fiercely to put and end to it. Dd is 11 and seems, so far, to have turned out well. But I am always scared I am making the wrong choices.

I am kind of Hoping I turned out ok because , despite the horrendous childhood, I knew my parents loved me. Often their issues and needs came before me and dbro. But I did know they loved me and I made allowances for their behaviour. If that is the case then hopefully, I can do a good job with my kids.

love, support and quality time (not 'stuff' or constant interference 'helicoptering')

Marking my place on this thread because I love it.

My mum always let us make mistakes, I thinks that's hard in this day and age and she told us sometimes it was tough for her but she was always proud when we worked things out ourselves. I can't thank her enough for that now because it really helped my confidence and self esteem.

I think the worst thing you can do is expect your child to fit in to your expectations and see them as an extension of your own successful life. They are their own people with their own ambitions and dreams and respecting those is important.

I copied this from the early posts:

*My three DC have grown into lovely young people but it has not been easy and I have dealt with rebellion, eating disorder and most significantly their grief at their father's death. All I can say is that love is unconditional but you have to consistently insist on standards of behaviour. Consideration and respect for others are non negotiable as are decent manners and an awareness that you have to work for an achievement to feel worthwhile.

But I do believe there is a strong element of luck as well, friendships and relationships can both jettison everything.

All you can do is your best as a parent and remember it is better to say do as I do rather than do as I say.*

Then I read so many other posts that I thought should be reiterated too backforgood's, mudjwanger (sp), medusa, fatmomma and so many more names with brilliant advice.

Fabulous thread - thank you so much.

I've nothing to add btw.

Great thread.
I have a question please. Someone I know who has a degree in psychology told me that you shouldn't praise your children too much.
That somehow this was damaging and they go through life thinking they are wonderful.
I always praise my children but wondered if there is any truth in this statement?

Love and support and encouragement.
Trust.

Laid back and perhaps a pushover but reasonable with it.

We don't row, well perhaps the youngest has a Strop, but she is not an adult yet.

Someone I know who has a degree in psychology told me that you shouldn't praise your children too much. That somehow this was damaging and they go through life thinking they are wonderful.

I can understand that. It's the opposite of "hate the sin, love the sinner". If you tell them that the sun shines out of their @rse then they might become big-headed. But if you phrase it as "that was a nice/brave/kind thing that you did" then you are praising their choices rather than their innate being.

Some excellent advice here - lovely to see such a positive thread.

Definitely pick your battles. What they will or won't eat, screen time etc won't make one tiny jot of difference.
Show an interest and encourage them, but learn to stand back a bit. They have to learn from their mistakes.
Don't smother them. You don't need to know the absolute minutiae of every part of their lives.
Tell them you love them every single day. Even when they're teenagers/adults.

One thing I would say is admit you're wrong when you're wrong. So many times I see people say on MN "once you've made a threat you've got to follow it through!" I completely disagree with that. Sometimes things are said in the heat of the moment and when it's all calmed down you realise you've over reacted. It's really important to show children/ teenagers that you can admit you're mistakes and apologise when you're in the wrong.

Have some faith and trust in them to make their own decisions. DS1 (20) has wanted to be a soldier since he was about 7. He is very bright, got AAB at A level and a place at uni. The night before the A level results came out he said he wasn't going, he was going to join the army. We talked about it a lot that night and over the next couple of days and we could see that's where his heart was. He has joined the army and is the most happy and confident we've seen him forever.

Don't go to bed on an argument and always tell them you love them, no matter what's going on.

Some of it is luck.
I know a family with two boys, one boy made a silly decision aged 17 and thought it was cool to take heroin. He had a good upbringing and didn't take it to dull emotional pain. He took it for fun without thinking of the consequences. It has taken him another 17 years to get clean.

I know children of very left wing parents who have jobs in the City and are very right wing. Hopefully, they are happy.

This is a brilliant thread. Inspired idea, OP.

Senua I loved your post. What wisdom. I hope I do that a bit with our DC. They are certainly influenced by great teachers.

Fatmomma - that's a great list. I'm very interested you think the most confident happy adults you know were adored as children. So the openly adored don't turn out to be brash or entitled? That's good to know.

My DTs are only 13, but yesterday I had a flash forward moment of utter pride. DS1 was out on the first day of his first ever paid job - went out and got it as soon as he was legally allowed to, just one day after turning 13. DT2 has a few disabilities, including one we have just found out about that is a lot for him to take in. But he decided he wanted to cook a banquet and spent all day in the kitchen making curries from scratch using recipes he found online. Didn't ask for help, didn't lose his temper. DT1 helped him and they didn't fight. The dinner was incredible - restaurant standard and I am bursting with pride, as was he. He could be feeling all down about yet another round of sodding hospital tests - his life has been dictated by them - but instead he just spent the day doing something amazing for his family.

Give them lots of love and affection. Be open about it.
At the same time, the world doesn't revolve around them. They're not more 'special' or 'entitled' than other people. They have to understand that.
Don't tolerate bad behaviour, but in a way that they understand that it is their behaviour that you don't like, not them.
Spend lots of time with them. Take an interest in their hobbies, their favourite TV programmes, their schoolwork, etc.

I think that backing off, and not expecting your kids to be happy all the time helps too (maybe counterintuitive).

The pressure on people to be "happy" all the time is really unrealistic. Every life will have some sadness too. DS spent half of yesterday in tears because one of his best friends is emigrating this week. There has to be room in life to be sad or grumpy too (without feeling guilty that you are letting your mum down )

All in all, I think parents need to back off a bit and let kids figure things out for themselves. How to deal with unkind people, with unfairness and with sadness.

How to deal with having a bad mood for no reason.

That there si nothing wrong with feeling negative emotions.

We can't all go through life being happy all the time! expecting this is setting unrealistic expectations.

Also, I think James Corden is and overrated egomaniac