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AIBU to be annoyed with DStepSon and his attitude?

253 replies

SummerHolidayStress · 24/07/2015 20:20

NC because I've seen the judgment and flaming some Stepmothers get for having any issue with DSChildren. Some advice would be really appreciated.
I've been with DP for 9yrs, 3DCs together, 1 DsS from his previous rship. DsS (age 12) lives with his Mum.
All children have always been treated equally, I love them all equally, and treat them the same, as does their DF.
The issue is, how to deal with DsS at the moment. We moved away 18months ago because of work and university situations (work for DP, Uni for me- commuting 4hrs daily was physically and mentally exhausting), so it made sense to move. DsS was aware of this from the start, that a move was the only way we could keep our heads above water.
We've tried our hardest to see DsS in this year, to the point we travelled the 3hrs back to our old town as arranged, arrived at his home and was told, "he's out, doesn't want to see you".
He ignores us all of the time, despite is really trying to talk and arrange to see him. He doesn't talk until until a week before his birthday, when he tells us what he wants...and then a few days before Xmas, and tells us what his DM is getting him, so we can " decide what else so he doesn't get two of the same".
He's largely ignored our calls and texts for months now, until Lo and Behold, a text three days ago, saying "It's school holidays now, when are you coming to get me?" followed by "You can take me to place, as it's near to your new house. And, "Mum wants to know when your coming, and where you're going to take me. Answer me"

We have always treated all four children to have respect and manners, and if he was here, he would be told off for blatant brattish attitude.

I'm just annoyed. He ignores DP and me for 11 months of the year, but when he thinks treats and presents are involved, he wants some contact and issues demands. We wouldn't take that from the 3DCs at home, are we meant to from DS who isn't here? I don't know.

Any help would be appreciated. Thank you.

OP posts:
SummerHolidayStress · 24/07/2015 22:41

dojo he had a couple of uncertain months, then 28 days officially to give a decision. We decided to put our house up, and then rented here until we sold our old home.

OP posts:
Oswin · 24/07/2015 22:42

I would not have flamed you. It would have been a short term situation. Not the end of the world.
What's done is done now though so your dp needs to try his hardest to fix it. He could travel up once a month to see dss there for a weekend straight after work on a Friday come back Sunday morning?

PtolemysNeedle · 24/07/2015 22:42

If it meant leaving one of your children behind, woudo you still think studying for a degree was so important? Wouldn't you get a job instead if it's as the thing that meant your children didn't have to feel abandoned by one of their parents who has always been a constant in life?

Sorry, but walking away from one of your children, promising you'll be there whenever he wants even though that impossible because you don't drive, and then going on about a 'blatant brattish attitude' does come across as very knobbish.

Oswin · 24/07/2015 22:42

I meant Sunday evening.

AyeAmarok · 24/07/2015 22:42

Christ almighty.

Your justification is making it sound worse, not better.

SummerHolidayStress · 24/07/2015 22:43

I agree basgetti it has proven far harder than we ever expected.

OP posts:
SummerHolidayStress · 24/07/2015 22:44

I'm not trying to 'Justify' anything. I'm asking for help.

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 24/07/2015 22:46

Hmm, based on your last post i think you actually didnt make this decision considering DSS at all! You moved 3 hours away, with neither of you driving and DH working til 8pm every friday. In that situation i would have expected DH to look for work where you lived. Your degree? Well that's your choice but i know what mine would have been. Like a previous poster i am a student parent with a 90 minute commute each way. Had i not been able to manage the commute, my decision would not have been to move away from my children! The degree would have been knocked on the head til circumstances fitted better. There are other degrees/routes to work and other times when it fits better, there arent other times when i get to raise my DC.

cowbag1 · 24/07/2015 22:46

So your DH moved knowing full well that visiting for his DS was going to be very difficult, if not impossible? And you can't understand why his DS is upset? Bloody hell. I'm guessing you wouldn't have even considered such a move if his DS was yours?

Does your DH at least regularly ring/Skype him?

AyeAmarok · 24/07/2015 22:47

Then you need to fix it.

Your DP will need to go part time so he can get the train eow on the Friday morning to spend quality time with his son.

If you can't afford the train you will need to get a job, and if that means delaying finishing your degree, so be it.

All of these things would be a no brainer if it was your children you were talking about.

And stop trying to claim you love DSS exactly the same, it's so clear that's not the case.

SurlyCue · 24/07/2015 22:49

How much was your travelling 3 hours to uni and back each week if £70 is over the budget?

SurlyCue · 24/07/2015 22:50

Actually my advice has changed. Contact clearly wont be reinstated. I advise DH looks for work back in old town and moves back when he gets it.

DoJo · 24/07/2015 22:51

dojo he had a couple of uncertain months, then 28 days officially to give a decision. We decided to put our house up, and then rented here until we sold our old home.

So did he try to find another job in your home town during the uncertain months? Because it does sound like he sacrificed a relationship with his son for an easier commute - you were already commuting to the new town, so presumably it's possible (albeit you weren't enjoying it, but you knew that it was on the cards when you started your course), but instead of staying where you were and both commuting while he looked for local work, to allow you both to see your step son more often, you have made a decision which doesn't really allow you to have any regular contact.

crispandfruity · 24/07/2015 22:51

I think that you need to take out the logistics of moving, what the grown ups have been through and consider this alone.

DSS is 12, a tricky age.
His parents have split up - a big deal.
His dad has met you and you've had 3 kids together - a big deal.
His dad, you and his 3 step siblings have now moved away - a big deal.

How would you expect any child in that situation to act? Whatever your stresses over money, jobs, etc - you have control over it. He has had none. Cut the kid some slack.

SummerHolidayStress · 24/07/2015 22:54

I get it, I know the decision has had a fall out worse than I expected, or accounted for.
We made the decision, and thought it would work well. DsS Mum is a good Mum, I actually like her. She just hates DP and since we've moved, he has been quoting word for word what his DM says.
We moved, like thousands of people do. Were we meant to stay, despite the fact that DsS has a nice Mum, lovely home, and lots of extended family on his DMs side- while we live exhausted, risking losing our home because we end up unemployed and on benefits?

OP posts:
ADishBestEatenCold · 24/07/2015 22:57

"I'm not trying to 'Justify' anything. I'm asking for help."

No, OP. Just, no.

You came on here asking "AIBU to be annoyed with DStepSon and his attitude?"

It sounded to me as if you were blaming your step-son for his perfectly natural reaction.

" I'm guessing these are the families with no stepchildren." Note: I am coming at this as a birth mother and a step-mother ... a step-mother who would walk over hot coals, to grab by the throat anyone who tried to make her step-children any ... less

FloatIsRechargedNow · 24/07/2015 22:59

He's 12, he's sent you a text asking to see his DF, it isn't written in an appropriately respectful manner, that's all. Texts are a very restrictive way of communicating and hard to convey the nuances of politeness.

My advice is - overlook everything, pull out all the stops, make plans for him to come and stay, including his travel, and your DP needs to call him as soon as possible to say that he is doing that and then he can also respectfully ask his son when would be a good time for him. If necessary you need to speak to the Ex to make sure the Father and Son speak and see each other.

SurlyCue · 24/07/2015 23:00

We made the decision, and thought it would work well.

How?? Confused how did you see it working well when you knew niether of you could drive to get him and you would both be home late on friday evenings? Where had you planned to see DSS?

while we live exhausted, risking losing our home because we end up unemployed and on benefits?

you left your home anyway. Surely its better to be in a rented home near your child than in a mortgaged home where you never see him? Or is the thought of giving up that more important than relationship with your child? Confused

God when i think of the home i could own by now if i'd have walked away from my DC! Hmm

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 24/07/2015 23:00

YABU, OP. Almost everyone on here is telling you so, along with the reasons why. Your behaviour is appalling.

Your dh is favouring three of his children over the fourth, and you're asking why your dss is not behaving in the way you think he should? ffs

Grow up, try to see it from your dss's perspective and try to rebuild the relationship with him.

DelphiniumBlue · 24/07/2015 23:01

Sounds like regular, planned contact needs to be re-introduced. You need to find a way to do that- DH changing his hours, booking fares in advance, checking out the coach, looking into DSS masking the journey himself. Fwiw, I used to get the tube across London and then British rail to go and visit my dad at that age. If his mum puts DSS on the train and you collect, then its easily doable.
DSS needs to see that DH will put himself out to see him.

LocatingLocatingLocating · 24/07/2015 23:02

I'm really confused how you could commute 4 hours DAILY to get to Uni previously, yet your DH can't do it eow Confused

AyeAmarok · 24/07/2015 23:04

I wondered the same Located

OP your story doesn't add up. Your DSS and your DP's relationship with him was at the bottom of your list of priorities. You can try and dress it up how you like, but this is the bottom line, and this is the reason he's behaving the way he is.

TopCivilServant · 24/07/2015 23:05

Sorry, am I missing something? You have moved to the town where you are at uni?
I assume that you were previously travelling between the 2 towns several times per week? I get that this was difficult but I don't understand why it is now too difficult to make that journey every other weekend to see the poor boy.

SummerHolidayStress · 24/07/2015 23:05

I have tried and tried and tried to see him, as I've said!
We've travelled to see him and be told ",he's not in, doesn't want to see you"
I try and talk on Tango and Skype every day.
We've tried and tried to see him, and travel to be met with either insults or dismissals from his DM, or total blanking of msgs or ignoring calls.
Why, when I'm trying, am I being flamed as I expected

OP posts:
TopCivilServant · 24/07/2015 23:06

Cross posts!
Hmmmmm, explain please OP Hmm

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