AIBU to be annoyed with DStepSon and his attitude?

[SummerHolidayStress]

NC because I've seen the judgment and flaming some Stepmothers get for having any issue with DSChildren. Some advice would be really appreciated.
I've been with DP for 9yrs, 3DCs together, 1 DsS from his previous rship. DsS (age 12) lives with his Mum.
All children have always been treated equally, I love them all equally, and treat them the same, as does their DF.
The issue is, how to deal with DsS at the moment. We moved away 18months ago because of work and university situations (work for DP, Uni for me- commuting 4hrs daily was physically and mentally exhausting), so it made sense to move. DsS was aware of this from the start, that a move was the only way we could keep our heads above water.
We've tried our hardest to see DsS in this year, to the point we travelled the 3hrs back to our old town as arranged, arrived at his home and was told, "he's out, doesn't want to see you".
He ignores us all of the time, despite is really trying to talk and arrange to see him. He doesn't talk until until a week before his birthday, when he tells us what he wants...and then a few days before Xmas, and tells us what his DM is getting him, so we can " decide what else so he doesn't get two of the same".
He's largely ignored our calls and texts for months now, until Lo and Behold, a text three days ago, saying "It's school holidays now, when are you coming to get me?" followed by "You can take me to place, as it's near to your new house. And, "Mum wants to know when your coming, and where you're going to take me. Answer me"

We have always treated all four children to have respect and manners, and if he was here, he would be told off for blatant brattish attitude.

I'm just annoyed. He ignores DP and me for 11 months of the year, but when he thinks treats and presents are involved, he wants some contact and issues demands. We wouldn't take that from the 3DCs at home, are we meant to from DS who isn't here? I don't know.

Any help would be appreciated. Thank you.

[UsedToBeAPaxmanFan]

Spot on, Granny Ww

[WhattodowithMum]

Yes, children should be respectful, but surely there are limits. Showing gratitude and respect for a single visit in 11 months sounds psychologically twisted to me.

[GrannyWW]

He does not need treats, money or spoiling. He needs his farthers love and attention - the move may have been unavoidable the lack of contact is unforgivable.

[GrannyWW]

Grateful that your dad has tried to see you once in 11 months and has made NO effort to see you in the summer hoildays?

[LilacWine7]

They put money and the new family before the first. They therefore owe the boy a lot. They could have stayed put and the father commuted for work in the week to the new job but instead put the original boy last

But is it realistic for the dad to commute 3 hours each way for work on a daily basis?? The dad has 3 other children to consider as well as his firstborn. Imagine what effect it would have on the other 3 if their dad was always home late and exhausted from 6hours of driving. Or the impact it would have on all 4 children if he gave up his job and couldn't support them financially. I'm assuming he still pays maintenance for his firstborn, so the money he earns is to support all of them equally.
I think if they 'owe' the boy anything it's a regular contact arrangement. But he needs to play his part too. Why can't a 12-year-old take a train or a bus sometimes? IMO he should be appreciative when his dad makes a 6-hour round trip to pick him up... at the very least he should be at home when dad arrives for him, not deliberately absent!


I appreciate he probably feels hurt and upset that his dad and extended family had to move, but I still don't think it's an excuse for him to be rude and disrespectful. Showering him with treats, bribes or ignoring rude/demanding behaviour won't help him feel part of the family.

[GrannyWW]

And expect him to be grateful for scraps of attention !

[Coffeemarkone]

exactly reddaisy - the same old same old story...

[RedDaisyRed]

They put money and the new family before the first. They therefore owe the boy a lot. They could have stayed put and the father commuted for work in the week to the new job but instead put the original boy last.

[lunar1]

I don't think a child needs to be grateful to their dad for picking them up, that's the minimum the poor boy should be able to expect!

[GrannyWW]

Exactly Coffee!!

[Coffeemarkone]

" surely his dad and step mum should still treat him as one of the family "

but they clearly didn't did they? Can't have it both ways y know.

[LilacWine7]

the step mother and father who chose to abandon this poor boy

He wasn't 'abandoned' he remained living at home with his mum, because this is what his mum wanted.

I don't think moving to a new area in order to support your family is 'bad behaviour' from the adults. It sounds like the move was inevitable if the dad was to keep his job.

IMO the only thing the parents did wrong was not setting up a proper contact arrangement before moving. They should have agreed a regular timetable, put travel arrangements in place and discussed it with the boy. However, this is the parents' responsibility not the step-mum's.

I agree with the poster who said the boy shouldn't be allowed to be disrespectful e.g. if his dad is making a 6-hour-round trip to collect him, he needs to wait in for them not go out with his friends! Feeling hurt or upset over the move doesn't give him the right to waste people's time and petrol, or treat his family members with such rudeness. Nor does he have the right to demand special treats and trips out as 'payment' or bribes for him visiting. If they're going to maintain a good relationship with him, surely his dad and step mum should still treat him as one of the family, not as an honoured guest who needs to be pandered to and fussed over?

[RedDaisyRed]

I have a very different gview of chidlren. I regard it as a privilege to have them in my life and their views are often better from mine and I learn from them. I think a bit of parently humility goes a long way in parent/child relationships and I like to ensure every day a teenager can do something better than I can or feel they know something I don't. It works really well.

[Coffeemarkone]

" No fucking way would I allow any child to disrespect me!"
so you dont have kids then?

And what is this 'disrespect' excactly anyway?
So a dad leaves his kid, has more, and moves out of the area, then his wife complains that the kid they (essentially) abandoned is 'disrespectful'.
You couldnt make it up.

[GrannyWW]

Probably by going mc if a child was 'disrespectful' ie questioning his place in the adults affections after being treated so badly, and therefore eliminating any disrespect ? Asking a child to discount their feelings because youbas a parent have behaved badly is not 'respect' it is abuse. It sets the child up for a life time of posdible low self esteem.

[fourtothedozen]

No fucking way would I allow any child to disrespect me!

And how would you force a child to respect you exactly zeezeek?

[RedDaisyRed]

Yes, anyone who talks about wanting children to be respectful obviously had no idea what normal children of 12 - 16 are like and therefore I am prerty sure all the wrong is on the side of the step mother and father who chose to abandon this poor boy and could manage as adults to make a life near him and now don't seem to have formulated plans for when they will have him in the summer holiday. I suspect he will be better off without much contact with them.

[zeezeek]

No fucking way would I allow any child to disrespect me!

[LittleGwyneth]

FWIW the most successful step parenting arrangements that I've known have been ones where the biological parent is the one in the driving seat. I understand that this is hard for you, and whilst it would be nice if children couldn't wind us up, of course they can.

That said, your OH should be the one making the choices here - working with his ex-partner and trying to work on the relationship with his son. And yes, that might mean that your DSSon gets some special time with his dad away from your kids, but ultimately is that really going to hurt anyone?

Being a step parent is really, really hard and I sympathise. But being a 12 year old is all hard, and I think if you can find it in yourself to be really big about it then that will pay huge dividends in the end.

[DesertIslander]

IMO YABU, OP. I can only imagine I would be feeling very let down and abandoned by my dad if he moved 3 hours away with my Step mum and Step siblings.

I would change jobs/university before moving 3 hours away from my 10 year old and using text messages as 'contact'.

[Coffeemarkone]

" Adults have to make the difficult decisions but that's no reason to allow disrespect from their child. "

you dont have kids do you?

Would you be happy for your child to be treated like that then?

[SurlyCue]

Something tells me you dont have DC bereal. You seem a bit obsessed with the idea that this child should be "respectful" regardless of how he has been treated. Its something i recognise from some childless friends who have no understanding of the real relationships between parents and children.

[SurlyCue]

No, at 11 a child knows who they want to be with. Maybe mum just didn't want to be separated from her son and put that above the fact that her son would rather be with her dad. Hard as it might be to believe, some kids actually prefer being with dad. Anyway, he could have moved in for a while and if he changed his mind no one would have stopped him going back (I hope).

You are completely misunderstanding my comments. I never said anything about him being old enough to know where he wants to live. My children want to live in disneyland. Doesnt mean its the right place for them to live.

At 10/11 (when the move happened) no i dont think he is old enough to make that decision

[lunar1]

From the time my parents divorced till I was 13 I would have chosen to live with my dad if given an option. It would have been a completely stupid decision and the worse thing for me. A child so young can't see the bigger picture, reasonable parents would have discussed the move, living arrangements and regular contact with both parents. Not left it up to a child to figure out himself.

[bereal7]

Wow that was way longer than I had hoped