To have stepped in to try and help DD

[Sissyinthesummertime]

Please help me get some perspective.

DD is 11, and will be starting Y7 in September. All in all she has had a good Y6. She was bullied in earlier years, but came into her own in Y6 and made some good friends, started going to parties (had never been invited before). Of course she was happy, so so was I.

The last few weeks of term have seen some girls she thought were her friends turn against her. Low level stuff I.e not inviting her out, buying each leaving presents and not including her. She seemed to shrug it off quite well, saying she wasn't bothered. Only 1 of these children will be in high school with her.

However, at an outside activity thru do, they've turned quite nasty. Picking on her, winding her up until she retaliates. She was very upset after this activity. Also, they were all going to a sleepover after this and were rubbing it in. It was heartbreaking to leave with DD watching them all drive off.

Now they've all blocked her on Instagram (the dreaded social media). She also found out that one girl has set up a message for the whole class to remember their last week. DD isn't included.

To top it off, she does an activity that she loves. It will help her with what she thinks she might want to be when she's older (I appreciate that this can change!). We put her name down and waited on the waiting list for over a year. Her friends joined her at this activity and all was going well. Now based on what's happened she wants to drop out as she's too afraid to go.

Thanks if you've managed to get this far!

At this point I decided enough was enough. DD will not be pushed out of this activity/club. She loves it.

So I know the mums of these children. Yesterday I sent them a message to ask if they could see what had happened. Non accusatory and fully accepting that DD could in some way also be at fault. I realise she isn't perfect.

One mother replied saying as far as she thought it was DD picking on all of them and she wouldn't do anything more. Radio silence from the others, although I know they've received the message.

To the point - am I mad for stepping in? Should I let them fight their own battles? I just don't want to be 'that mother'. The mum that replied insinuated that she doesn't get involved in children's affairs. I think this is all well and good when your child has the friends on her side. Safety in numbers and all that.

What should I have done? What would you have done? I haven't slept all night for worrying about this. Such a way to start the holiday.

I like fenellas way forward. Girls can be horrid, but getting on with most people doesn't mean they are automatically not the instigator in another situation. Dd has spent years having fall outs with a girl who falls out regularly with most people, whereas dd doesn't. However with dd and her, there's equal blame on both sides when they row/ fall out, track record doesn't come into it. Likewise I've seen the original instigator appear as the victim after they've fell out with everyone on an individual level.
I'm not saying that's the case here, it does appear to have gone too far to be the usual, but approaching them with an open mind is likely to get the best results, even if it's just so you and your dd can discuss how to avoid bitchy people in future.

Hoping for some night time traffic. I'm giving this too much head space. I'm so angry with the non reply from the mum that I thought I knew quite well.

DD is adamant that she's leaving her cadets, she's crying a lot and very withdrawn.

I just don't know what to do.

You obviously need to have a word with the organiser. No matter what, she shouldn't give up an activity, especially when she waited so long to get in. You do need to have an open mind to the possibility that she may have done something wrong for her own sake. However,she may not have done anything. I remember ds getting dropped by a group of kids at about the same age. It boiled down to one nasty child deciding he didn't like him and getting everyone else to leave him out. It was horrible at the time and we did have a lot of worry. At least your DD will be at a different school. Personally I wouldn't get parents involved at that age. When I did, I found them coming out with any old bs to justify leaving ds out. Later when some fell out with the ringleader I found their mums telling me how the kids just went along with picking on ds so they wouldn't get excluded.Could that be happening here?

What a horrible situation, I'm sorry for your dd, and you. I'd forget the other parents for now - they've shown their true colours - and try to reassure your dd that she can focus on things other than these girls at her activity. Is there anyone else she knows that goes who you can arrange to meet her before the next event? A wee bit of solidarity could help even if it's got nothing to do with the existing situation (and I'd encourage her to keep it seperate and mention it to no one else so as not to stoop to their level). Make sure she knows if things get tough she can leave/call you/not go back and hopefully with that reassurance she will have the confidence to go back and find it's not as awful as she was worrying it would be.

I very much think so lem73. I'm always open to the fact that she may have done something, but I'm not sure what it could be that would turn most of her friends against her.

I feel stupid now for getting involved. I was only trying to help DD. Misguided I think.

Thanks for your help.

I don't think there is any protocol to follow when this type of situation occurs. BEing Mums we tend to want to do anything to resolve the situation for our children. You are very lucky that your Dd has got to Year 6 before something like this has arose.IVe been dealing with my Dd many fall outs since she was in reception . Try to not be too alarmed by her crying, she is simply reacting to a situation in which she feels powerless and frustrated and at this age it is easier to cry than talk about your feelings.
There really is only one solution to this and it is encouraging your girl to form as many friendships as possible so that she does not put all her eggs in one basket. She will be going to Secondary School soon and there are so many opportunities to make new friends and get involved in new activities. My Dd made so many new friends in year 7, fell out with them all in year 8 but is happy again in year 9. It really is a rollercoaster when you start dealing with teanage girls, so for your own sanity I'd keep talking to her, buy a huge supply of chocolate, it works wonders in cheering them up and expect very little from other parents, it really is a blow you Jack I'm alright attitude. Hang on in there, it will blow over, me and Dd now laugh at her friendship breakdowns but I remember all the upset and commotion it caused.

Thanks pillowaddict. Why do we feel their pain so much?

I'm trying to forget the other parents, but finding it very difficult. It's so rude to not reply. They will have to see me again eventually. I get very nervous at confrontation, but try not to let it show. I won't be bullied.

I have suggested to DD that I will wait outside in the car. She can come out to me if she needs to. I am going to tell the organisers of the situation so they can keep an eye out.

If anything else happens, DH is getting involved. He won't be quite as diplomatic as me

I would have gone to the organisers rather than the other mums.You believe implicitly what your DD is telling you, and yet you seem to have a problem with other mums believing their own DDs!!! In reality the truth probably lies in the middle.

I'm not sure what it could be that would turn most of her friends against her.
They are like pack animals.You spread a rumour/say something unkind to one and they all turn on you!

Madam at no point have I said I believe implicitly what DD is telling me. I'm more than aware that she could be hiding something. I've also stated this in my communication with the Mums.

I do think (and I don't tell this to DD) that regardless of what had been said/happened that all friends turning on DD is not on in any way. Isn't it great to feel hard done by when you have all your friends by your side?! Not so nice when you're the excluded one.

They are like pack animals. Yes absolutely.
Op I do feel for your DD. I could say the experience of being excluded toughened my ds up but really I just wanted him to be happy.Instead he had a tough year 7. Please don't let your DD give up her activity. I'm glad she'll have a fresh start at secondary school.

Thank you lem. I'm very teary tonight. Think it's a mixture of extreme tiredness and PMT.

We have a lovely day with family tomorrow, then our holiday on Sunday. I'm going to have to try hard to forget about it so I can relax and enjoy our family time

Yanbu I dread these years ahead for my dd. Some girls can be so nasty at this age. I seen my niece go through this on more than one occasion especially through fb and ask fm. Your poor dd I'd definitely encourage her to stay with her activity. Are there any other girls involved in the activity she might get one with if there is a coach maybe have a quiet word.

I hope you also feel a bit better tomorrow new day and enjoy ur holiday. Bullying bitches are not worth it

No bullying is low level, op.
You are her mother you did what any mother would do. If anything or anyone is hurting your child. The claws and the defences come out. It's an animal instinct.

What do you think your DH will be able to do if he does get involved?

I can totally see why you did what you did but I do think you stepping in will have made things worse rather than better

If there are problems at the activity they all do then absolutely get in touch with the organisers and if at any point the girls cross a line and become abusive then report them. But when it comes to low level nastiness and leaving her out the only thing you can do is support your dd and help her overcome it, you can't force them to include her or to be friends with her- the more you push the more likely they are to take it out on your dd

I really hope the school move helps and your dd finds some lovely new friends so she can forget about these girls

Op, I'm sorry to read this. I think you find the right thing, fwiw. I find the same recently when my dd was bullied online - involved the parents. I'd want to know if dd was bullying another dc. I find it hard to understand parents who sweep this sort of thing under the carpet.

Agree that your dd should continue with her activity, and have a quiet word w the organiser. She will have heard it all before!

Am sure it will all blow over soon. Hope your dd is ok and am sure she will make new friends at secondary.

You've done the right thing, not find!

It's worse watching those we love experiencing these things than dealing ourselves sometimes! I agree it's very rude of the parents not to reply. At least you know not to rely on them or help them out in the future. Good idea to offer to wait outside, I expect that once involved in the activity your dd won't think about leaving but she'll have the knowledge you're there for her if she needs you and that will help. I hope you all manage to have a lovely holiday, relax and forget this issue as best you can!

Forget cadets if she doesn't want to go. There will be plenty of other clubs and activities. If she is pushed to go against her will and is bullied while there, she will remember and be effected by that experience for a long time. The way to protect her is to let her make the decision without pressure from you, back her up, take her lead on whether/how you should get involved.

A fresh start for DD in September. Try and enjoy the summer and don't get hung up about dropping the club.

Place marking because I have to go to bed, but I have been in a similar situation so will come back to this OP. Will try to help!

I feel your pain....girls can be really nasty and vicious at this age and older...
And they can fall out and make up again with astonishing speed - so you have to be careful what you say -as next she'll be accusing you of not liking her friend etc. Best to try and keep out of it as much as possible....unless it becomes sustained.
For now I would also have a quiet word with the activity organiser and say there have been problems and can they keep an eye on them all - don't accuse the other girls of bullying...
DD1 (now 14) was bullied at primary - there were three really manipulative horrible mean girls in her class, in fact it was a bit of a nightmare class altogether (in a really good school - DD2 (8) goes - her class are lovely...so far...). So bad over the years 4 children (out of 26) were moved school by their parents and sadly 2 of those were DDs friends - (not because of DD - in fact one was her best friend and her mum asked me if I had considered moving DD too -but it wasn't really feasible). DD had a really rough time. Her current friends are lovely and a couple were in her class at primary but quiet and a little intimidated by the loud ones, two were bullied by one mean girl too.
DD1 can't just ignore things, she does react and therefore gets targeted more - she really didn't understand why someone can be deliberately mean - it used to break my heart. And she will jump in to defend her friends - a good thing really- but again makes her a target ....if that makes sense.

Anyway the bullying continued at secondary just on the school bus from the same group and I was really tempted to speak to the parents -some of who would have been horrified and DP said we should - but actually I think that would have made it worse - I did speak to the school about it and they handled it discreetly but really well.

It is still there but at a very low level - the odd nasty comment - but much improved - DD says she wishes they would just ignore her but it doesn't upset her any more and she doesn't rise as easily. She is very good at dealing with them now (a couple of years ago another child told their parent how fantastic DD was - she heard one of the bullies tell DD 'I really hate you' and DD replied - 'Yeah, you've said that before...and?' )
Anyway DD is happy enough now with a big group of friends.
And this is my main advice - be very careful what you say to your DD about it/them.
A few months ago we were talking about the worst 'bully' (DD really detests her - the same girl who bullied her friends at primary). I said something about her being the most manipulative and insincere child I had ever come across. And DD said but you told me you felt sorry for her ...and you liked her - she was always fake nice to you. I was .
Basically I've always known what she was like - she used to be in a lift share and she was always superficially the most polite and lovely girl - but would say or do the odd thing to one of the others -not withstanding what I heard happened at school - it used to make me cringe/feel angry. It was never enough for me to call her on it - but enough to make me think . (Most telling when I spoke to the school about the bullying on the bus - the teacher guessed this child was involved - and exactly how they behaved - set it up, stand back and watch - don't actually 'do' anything obvious, that would get you in trouble)
But I guess I never told DD that so clearly.
The 'feel sorry for' was said once, a throw away not thinking line. The reason I said it was another parent had just told me this child had said something really mean and spiteful to her child about their parents - and it was something that must have been said by the bully's parents - not something a child would know to make up/think to say. And I actually thought no wonder she is the way she is - if her parents say things like that to her ...poor child.

So for years DD thought I didn't realise how two faced she actually was -and actually felt sorry for her . I felt terrible thinking DD thought that all the time this child was being so mean to her.
(But with caution if they may go on to be best friends next week)

Does your DD still have the nasty Instagram messages? If so, show them to the school - teacher or head. Schools are supposed to be hot on social media bullying these days. I don't think the activity organisers would be able to do much.

YUNBU my dd was bullied so much I had to change her school, some of the girls later apologised to dd.

I can't agree with a pp that there are always two sides to every story, that sounds to me was written by the parent of a bully. It would be most unlikely one girl is bullying six other girls.

My regret is I didn't confront these bullies at the time. The bullying was bad enough I asked advice from the police who offered to speak to these girls. I had previously phoned one of the mothers and she said the same trite, what did your dd do first.

I would never allow my child to be on social media, it is inviting bullies into her space.