I read something today that made me think i should share my experiences of having an anxiety disorder. I dont want to put this in mental health please.
If i really think about it, i have suffered from anxiety all of my life. I didn't have an especially unhappy childhood and i wasn't a victim of abuse. I remember convincing myself i had HIV and passed it on to DD1. Total rubbish of course, but every time i got sick or my lymph nodes were inflammed i was convinced it was the begining of the end.
Then when i had DD2 it really came to a head, resulting in a breakdown. I spent a good few years in a state of paranoia and it nearly cost me my relationship with DP. I think it has severely damaged my relationship with DD1 as i never allowed myself to get too close because i was convinced either i would die, or she would. I have managed to keep that side of things under control to a degree with DD2. There is a big age gap.
I have had lots of counselling and am on anti-depressants and at the moment i am doing ok. The reason i am writing this is what i read on "time to change" website, i could have written so i want to raise awareness.
So what does my anxiety mean to me now?
It means that I can just feel anxious for no apparent reason, the anxiety can happen and i can feel my brain going through my filing system of thoughts looking for a reason for the feelings. IF i can catch this before i find a reason to justify the elevated heart rate, that pit of the stomach sickness that you get when receiving bad news and rationalise that its just my anxiety i can control it. If there is something i jump onto, like at the moment im waiting for my smear results, unwated thoughts take over and i am playing out a whole scenario in my head of hospital visits, tears and terror. I can, with effort, rationalise my way out of panic.
I have to keep busy, inertia is anxiety's best friend. If i allow my brain to meander it will go down the anxiety road and there will be "voices" telling me how rubbish i am, how everything is going to shit and not to bother doing x y and z beause its not worth it because something bad will happen.
People close to me try to understand, but its hard for them. When i tell my DP i feel bad but can't explain why.
The postman can send me into meltdown, we can't have a landline because i would be terrified of the phone ringing.
If you met me you would never know. I have a job now (only part time and sessional hours) and my colleague commented how calm I am when it is crazy busy and i have to do lots of things at once. The thing is, i thrive on this, because i don't have time to think. Unless I am solving a practical problem, thinking leads to paranoia and depression.
I am constantly exhausted because my brain never shuts the fuck up, ever - sometimes i have to play really loud music to try and stop the unwanted thoughts.
Its not all bad - I am the most dilligent worker you can ever employ because a mistake is not acceptable, it keeps me awake at night, even if its not my fault. If there is a crisis i am the one that deals with it because trust me, im ready, Im like a swan, graceful and serene on the outside, paddling like fuck underneath. Only really my DP and DDs have seen me lose the plot. I get things done, NOW because i can't have things hanging over me, but also i will not start something if im unsure which can hold me back sometimes but it will mean i research the arse off something before i go and do it. It will be done properly or not at all.
I can however freeze at simple tasks, i sometimes have to walk away from the dishwasher because my brain is too full to consider how to load it. Other times i can dismantle the dishwasher and diagnose and fix a fault.
I live in fear of "what if" but usually when it happens, its never as bad as i thought and i deal with whatever life throws at me - so why is it so scary before it actually happens.
If you have read this far, thankyou. Im not looking for sympathy, im OK, i just don't work properly when it comes to anxiety. I just want to make people aware, and maybe tell others that is not just you, lots of us get this - for various reasons and that its ok, you don't have to let it ruin your life. It nearly ruined (actually it nearly ended my life) mine but i wont let it anymore. I will be on medication forever and thats ok, and ive started running and am stunned at how much it really really helps. I always used to make a 
face at the drs when they suggested exercise.